What am I?

[Tristan]

I talked to my mom tonight on the phone. Mainly had called to talk about mother's day and her plans, etc. Well she asked me if I was still single. I told her I wasn't sure that nothing had changed since last time we talked about things. The last time we talked about things was about Aethen and I and our status -- this came up when I told her I was transgendered. The fact that he is gay has gotten her way down the wrong path so right off I was downplaying my feelings for him. Maybe so much so that she doesn't think I have feelings for him and is trying to figure out why I'd go see him. To me I want it to be separate. I'm not trans because of my relationship. I was trans since the day I was born and I will be to the day I die no matter what relationships I have in between. But it's really got me all freakin upset. I guess in a way it might be good she's asking what I'm figuring out about myself and etc, but the fact that she asked me solely in terms related to how I feel about Aethen irritates the shit out of me. Maybe it's a good thing tomorrow's session is to work on a letter to my mom trying to explain my feelings to her. I feel so torn apart though right now. I don't know why her questions threw me off so much. I just feel like in such a trap right now. If I admit I love Aethen and my feelings for him, to her this will always be something I've done for a man. I'm so ready to scream this is not about any fricking guy, it's about me and this pain I've carried my entire life because I should be a man!!!!! I know I should be patient I haven't told her that long ago. I know she needs information. I know she's trying. Yet I don't know when she brought it up tonight it was like that huge pain that I've carried my whole life just swallowed me again inside of it.

*takes a few deep breaths to calm down*

I'm sorry, that's all of my rant. Thanks for listening.

[Sharon]

I'm thinking that there is a real possibility that we have the same mother. :p

My mother is the same as yours, Tristan, in that she seems to only comprehend what she wants to, and that anything I say that does not fit into her pre-existing thoughts, just doesn't register. Everytime I see her it's the same questions, and I have stopped trying to explain some things to her. I don't have any suggestions, but I'm certainly going to follow this thread for ideas. :happy:

[kerrianna]

Go ahead and rant Tristan. Mom's have a wonderful knack of getting right under the skin and driving us crazy - even the best moms. It's almost like an instinct. They can't help themselves.

So write that letter and then...take a deep breath and clarify. calmly, what it is that is really going on. Figure out as best you can your truth and find compassionate ways (NOT co-dependant ways) to get that conveyed to her. Do it as often as is necessary like a broken record, keeping clarity by shutting out those "must please mom" thoughts. You don't have to be nasty. Just clear, honest and firm. She'll find a way to deal. At least you're not out doing crack and stealing cars. It could be a lot worse for her.

Good luck. :hugs: :love:

[Tristan]

Thanks, ladies. I was really upset last night, calm rational Tristan has awoken this morning. A little groggy from staying up so late but ok. In a way I'm glad she asked about how I was doing and etc even if the way she brought it up wasn't the best, but maybe that does give me a better opening for this letter I'm writing tonight. My counselor is really fricking awesome so I'm sure she'll help me make sure it's well stated, firm but not harsh etc. Which is one of the reasons I asked if we could work on it together. I'm sorry for the freak out, my moods are like a roller coaster ride sometimes. I know there's a good chance that it may take my mom until she sees me on the hormones living my life as a man before she truly grasps this as real. *looks at counter* god how many days till I get away from these nuts out here?? lol

[CaptLex]

Trist, it may take her a while to get that your being trans and your interest in boys are separate things, but if you keep reminding her she may eventually get it. I also think if she realizes how you really feel about Aethen (and how he feels about you) she may not like it, but she'll see that it's a real relationship and not some impulsive thing. She may have thrown you off a bit with her questions, but it should give you a good idea about where to start that letter. Good luck, hun.

P.S. Glad you're feeling better in the morning - especially if you've had rum the night before. ;)

[Kieron Andrew]

lots of people clump gender and sexuality as one of the same thing, of course its not! but jo/josephine public just dont get it....its about educating your mother that this isnt the case, this definitely needs to be cleared up and sounds like by doing the letter sooner rather than later is a good idea, definitely include this within it

[Dasein9]

Well, our mothers are different people, but this is what helps for me:

I make sure her most important concerns are covered first whenever I speak with her. These are my health and my happiness.

Then, for the other stuff, I'm giving her time to adjust, but the trans stuff does come up from time to time. I just talk about how it affects a particular issue, and leave it at that. An example would be the bathing suit issue. I told her I bought trunks and a rash guard shirt, and that means I can go swimming, since my biggest concern in the past was the bathing suit. So she sees that as a positive thing, but not necessarily by focusing on it as a step in a long journey.

One reason for this is that I don't have all the answers to all the questions that may arise, and most moms don't like hearing that their kids are doing something tough and don't have all the answers.

Another reason is that this way, she still sees me as the me she's known for 37 years now and doesn't have to be as afraid of losing the kid she thought she had.

[Felix]

I feel for ya Hun and yes parents do tend to have a way of getting under ya skin. My mum felt she had lost me when I came out as Lesbian it freaked her out but now she knows I'm happy and even though she cannot condone our relationship she gets on with it and copes in her own way. Sometimes we still don't agree on things to do with it but that's normal I think. Giver her time Hun she is bound to want to know how ya feel for Aethan that's her motherly instincts comin out, she needs to know ya happy. I think I agree with Das about dealing with one thing at a time cos too many things may send her into overload Anyway Hun this may help, I think it was lex who said it, this may all help with the letter ya gonna send to ya Mum. Take care Hun and let us know how ya go xx Felix