Cautionary tale--Epilogue to Rachel Ann's Death

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Hello Everyone,
Please don't move this cuz nobody looks in that other section.

Although I do feel TG's/TS's and CD's need to be cautious about who and if they share there full gender identity with everyone. There are sometimes the situations where ppl's own paranoia and acceptance issues cloud their reality and is counter-intuitive.

I shared that my friend Rachel Ann took her life last month.

This weekend is her memorial.

In all my talks with Rachel Ann she was utterly convinced that her friends could/would not accept her. I truly felt she was misreading them--I mean we are talking about some of the most liberal people on the planet. Her friends were hippy's (she hated that term and denied it as a descriptor of her or her cronies) and beatniks (this term, she loved and embraced) of the 1960's in San Francisco.

So, to show you how right I was here is an excerpt from her memorial:

The gathering will run from noon to 4pm with a remembrance to occur at 1:30 when we will have a moment of silence after which everyone will be able to tell stories & lies about Rick/Rachel/Noodles Romanoff.

They all knew!

And here she fretted about going out; being seen; coloring her hair; wearing nail polish; getting her ears pierced. I told her rubbish--they would accept her and she could do these things. She was adament she could not.
Kinda kewl to see their clear acknowledgement for all of who she was.

:)

Kew

[battybattybats]

That is a heart wrenching and powerful story. One that carries a very profound message.

I shan't soon forget it.

[kerrianna]

Thank you for sharing that Kew. :hugs:

I'm sorry that Rachel didn't know the acceptance she had from others. While there are some situations that do require discretion, a lot of the time it's our own fears that hold us back from truly being who we are. If we act with love, truth and compassion, that is the most important thing to most people. Many people will love us for who we are, so we shouldn't be afraid to show it.

I'll think about this, and Rachel, whenever I find that fear holding me back.

Funnily enough, tonight I took a huge leap thru that fear wall and revealed myself to someone I barely knew...and made a connection and had acceptance.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=58272

I wish Rachel had been able to do that more. Maybe her spirit will guide others to realize their dreams. Whenever I find myself faltering, I'll try to be brave in her memory.

:love:

[Nicole]

Oh. My. God.

Her friends already knew? That is so tragic. Truly on a Shakespearean level. My heart goes out to her and her friends and family.

[Dixie]

How sad......

[Sharon]

I really wish I was able to attend Rachel's memorial, but I will certainly be there in spirit.

What you write really hits home and just expands on the tragedy, Kew, and I truly hope there is some good to come of this if others learn something from Rachel's death. At least I know she is finally at peace.

[uknowhoo]

Thanx so much for your poignant post Kew... a cautionary tale indeed.

xoxo

[Jenny Beth]

Thanks for the update on Rachael. I never knew her but we did PM a few times a while back. It's sad but true, most of us are victims of our own fears.

[Tiffy]

That really is a good point, but heart breaking.

Tiffany

[MJ]

thank you kew, it's sad when we can't deal with our fear and what people think
quote : - And here she fretted about going out; being seen; coloring her hair; wearing nail polish; getting her ears pierced. I told her rubbish--they would accept her and she could do these things. She was adamant she could not.
Kinda kewl to see their clear acknowledgment for all of who she was.

had she know this her life would be so different and happier

[Angie G]

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend rachel hun :hugs:
Angie

[Charleen]

A shame. A loss. A waste.
I don't know how old Rachael was, but for my old self, I know that all my life I was told by the "world" that what I had to do was wrong in all ways. Hence I lived in shame and guilt and depression and contemplated suicide on occasion.
Today it is different. I found this site and I guess it saved my life. I am on a journey of self discovery and am gradually shedding those negative emotions and my self consciousness about what others think. Yeah, it's hard after living 50 some odd years with those feelings, but I'm making progress.
We can get paranoid, I was. I have found that in truth, most people could care less what I look like.
So to everyone I say be who you are. As been said, Rachael was paranoid that her friends would find out. They knew, even if she didn't tell them out right. I'm sure that those who know me well know, so why say anything, and why worry? They are fine with who I am, even at work. I wear my hair and nails long. Polish the nails with a lite pink polish, wear mascara, pluck my eye brows, and wear rings and a bracelet at all times even as Charlie at work. If they can't figure that one out.........
If anyone is having deep trouble with coming to terms with who you are, ask for help! Please! Either here or a pro. Please! We and others in your life need you!
Love and xxxx, Lily

[Carin's Wife GG]

I have seen Carin in ways that also broke my heart. Those times when I could not find it in myself to be supportive and she would go to a very dark place. As a loving partner, albeit an inadequate one, it was heart wrenching. I never ever want to see or feel her in that pain again.

Thank you for this post. It really does put our lives into perspective. I am so sorry for your personal loss and the loss of a transgendered person who belonged to our community.



Louise.

[Shelly Preston]

Thanks for the wonderful post Kew

I hope no one else find themselves in a similar situation


For Rachel Ann:love:

May she rest in peace :Pray:

[Katrina]

Wow. That is very Shakespearean...Thanks Kew for posting that.

[Christina Nicole]

This makes me want to scream. Humans are pack animals. Humans live in societies and societies have rules which all are expected to conform. Even subgroups have rules. These rules are sometimes written, but are often unwritten and especially unspoken -- they are "understood." Members of the society learn them from experiences in that group and empirically. Sometimes we misunderstand the rules. Still, members feel pressured to conform. Even when no overt pressure is exerted, even if nothing is said or done, the crushing weigh of expectations can be felt.

No doubt that Rachel felt this. Furthermore, she must have been extremely depressed to take her own life. A person who is depressed has limited capacity for rational thought. Depressed people also tend to have their world view colored by their depression; they don't see things for what they are, but rather for what they perceive. How society enforces conformity is an interesting topic. I recommend further reading on the subject. Every group enforces conformity of some form. There is no society, culture, or subgroup that accepts everyone, every belief, or every idea.

Rachel was most likely unable to reach out to others. However, others were certainly able to reach out to her. Considering so many knew she was transgendered, it would probably have been immensely helpful to her if someone telephoned Rick and asked for Rachel to come out for ... whatever .. coffee, movie, the activity would not matter. The extension of onself to her, the extension of acceptance may have mattered greatly.

There are many negative consequences for someone who is TG to admit that to others. There are few negative consequences for a friend, family member, etc to tell a TG person, "I know and it's OK."

Sometimes, it's up to the TG person to say, "I'm transgendered." But it's also important for others to offer acceptance without forcing a transgendered individual to first ask for it. That's the other lesson worth learning.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[KewTnCurvy GG]

I thought you may have wanted to hear this.

I was pleasantly surprised when I read this.

Rachel was so adament that I truly started to believe what she would tell me.

I never understood her fear/paranoia around dying her hair or getting her ears pierced.

We live in the 21st Century and in SF Bay area. This is the uber liberal cradle in America.

How could anyone think that is something a male/female can not do at this point in time.

Anyhow, I'm actually excited to meet some of her other friends and hear her/his stories.

:)

Will keep you posted.

Kew

[ColleenCD]

Kew,

Thanks for sharing. Sometimes from the GM perspective, reality can be skewed by our perception. It seems life is complicated enough, and we deal with being CD/TS/TG. Sorry for your loss.

Colleen

[trannie T]

Poor Rachael, what a sad story. I do not know if being accepted by others is necessary but I do know that accepting yourself for what you are is manditory.

[Kelsy]

Poor Rachael, what a sad story. I do not know if being accepted by others is necessary but I do know that accepting yourself for what you are is manditory.

What a horribly sad story! Thanks Trannie for pointing out a fundamental.
If and When we can truly accept ourselves then it really doesn't matter what other people think. But the thought of losing friends and family may be more than we can cope with - the thought of being totally alone. I wonder how many know about us and we never realize it!:sad:

Jennifer

[AmberTG]

I'd have to agree with Vicky on depression issues, if you have serious depression, it is usually a chemical imbalance in the brain. It can be caused by any number of things including the long term guilt and shame of TG/TS issues, the brain chemistry becomes unbalanced over time by the constant assault of the depression thought patterns until the brain stays unbalanced. It's a vicious circle that needs to be interrupted in some way, anti-depressants can be quite helpful to balance the brain chemistry, along with therapy from someone who deals with the issues causing the problems, whatever they are.
It's really a shame that Rachael took her life without ever knowing how many of her friends knew who she really was. She probably hid a lot of her depression from her friends, people do that, so you never know until it's too late.

[Kimberley]

Heartbreaking. I am so saddened by the loss as I always am when one of us ends it all.

I have been that close a few times (as recently as a week ago) :sad: but always managed to get through it. Not surprisingly it isnt our gender that pushes us it is our perceptions (and sometimes reality) of others opinions.

People may "konw" and are "understanding" after the fact when it is easy for them. It is unfortunate but true. This is why I am so adamant about counselling for any TG/TS whether transition is in the picture or not. Sometimes the counsellor it the thread for living that we need.

A :rose2: and a prayer for Rachel.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[windycissy]

This is very odd! Rick/Rachel had many problems, but a lack of courage wasn't one of them....to be specific, she "outed" herself to her closest friends last Thanksgiving. Here is an email she sent me describing it:


Well, I am out to the world now. A dear and talented friend gave me a makeover for free before I went to Thanksgiving dinner, and I wore my royal blue dress for the first time, so I looked smashing, dignified and ladylike. One of my nieces who used to be an Esteẻ Lauder consultant picked out my accessories. Pictures to follow when I get them.


It went better than I could possibly have hoped. Everyone was loving, accepting and supportive, even though very surprised. Even the couple of guys who I could tell were backing away were polite and cordial. A couple of other guys whom I was worried about stunned me with their outpouring of support. One said "you were never one for the easy road". All of the women were completely accepting. These are people whom I have known for over 30 years, so it was quite an adjustment for them.



SUCH A RELIEF. Now I don't have to remember who knows and who doesn't. God bless my wonderful, loving friends, including you.

Love

Rachel Ann xxx