Should I tell her?

[Brenda-Jean]

Hi, this is my first posting but i've been reading the forum for a while. i live in the Uk and we are a lot more conservative over here. I am lucky as i work from home 2 days a week so i can cd during the day without anyone knowing. But, i have to change back before my wife gets home. I hate this. i could never go to work dressed, but i do wear panties or knickers as we call them every day. i get dressed without my wife seeing me, so i am lucky. but I would love to spend more time dressed while at home. To do that I have to tell her. i think she will be ok with it. don't ask me why i just do.
So Do I tell her? It is getting to the point that i have to do something about it soon. every so often i meet up with a friend who is now Heather ans has had the full sex change. i don't want that but would love to spend more time as Brenda-Jean. I would also like to meet Heather one night as Brenda-Jean. she doesn't know i cd as i think she would tell my wife, but if she knew anyway?
So help.....do I tell my wife?

[Dixie]

You say you have a feeling that she would be ok with it. Just make sure that it is an instinctual feeling and not wishful thinking. If your heart is telling you to tell her then do it, but I wouldn't unload it all on her at once. Maybe try wearing a pair of panties in front of her woth her permisson, "you are curious" see where it leads. Or just sit down and have a talk, point her to some web sites that can answer her questions about crossdressing.

[Chelseaswpa]

TELL HER- I just got caught by my wife and I wish I would have told her along time ago. It is not easy trust me, but I feel so much better now that she knows. It is too big a secret to keep inside of you, and you will slip up eventually. I wouls be more than happy to help you in any way with this honey. The other gurls on here have been immensely supportive and I love them all for helping me through this most difficult time, the least i can do is give back by helping others as well. hugs to u Chelsea

[soccervixen]

tell her - she needs to know who you are.

[Holly]

The prevailing thought is that honesty in a relationship is better than deceit... for both of you. But I agree with Dixie, make sure your thoughts on your wife's acceptance of your CDing is based on something more than wishful thinking. Take your lady out for a nice dinner, and then take her to a quiet place where you can talk to her. Try and anticipate her questions and be ready with honest answers. Maybe have some material ready to give her. Most partners of CDers are more hurt over the fact that their partners hid this from them more than the fact that they cross dress so, if I were you, I'd be ready to answer the, "Why did you not tell me before?" question. Do a little research here and you will find many instances of accounts where the CDing partner has told their SO. Please let us know how it goes with you.

[Di]

You know your wife....I do not so only you can decide what to do really...................but for me....I'd be more upset over the dishonesty in the relationship ....but as I said...this is me.....and I do not know your wife at all. Best Wishes

[MJ]

I would also like to meet Heather one night as Brenda-Jean. she doesn't know i cd as i think she would tell my wife, but if she knew anyway?

i don't think heather would do that , i am sure she knows better and remember it takes one to know one :happy:

[StephanieH]

:2c: YES! And then talk, talk, talk! Take care! :D

[Angie G]

If you think she will be OK with it than go for it is the only way your going to dress more gust go slow and let hae know you reallylove her and be ready for the questions do wou want t be with men are you gay and whatever others she may have good luck hun :hugs:
Angie

[Joanne f]

I would agree that honesty is the best thing ,But not everyone can take direct full on honesty, i think that it would be best to go with caution maybe say that you would like to wear a pair of knickers or a skirt just for fun and see what the reaction is, other wise you might get a bad reaction if you come straight out with it , and if you wife knows about Heather there is a very good possibility the fist thing that she will think is that you are going to want to be like Heather and that will have a good chance of making her run before you even get chance to talk to her about the way that you feel, but in the end you know you wife better than anyone so good luck on which ever way you choose.



joanne

[Minerva Morgan]

Brenda-Jean, my understanding is that, in most cases, wives are far more hurt by the secrecy than anything else. If you tell her, there are two ends of the spectrum of possibilities. First, that she will despise you and leave you. I must assume that, since she married you, she has some affection for you and that this extreme is unlikely. The second extreme is that she would be delighted and interested and supporting. Because of the negative connotations of crossdressing in society; this is also unlikely.
Let us suppose (and you are the best judge of this) that she will be shocked and dismayed and have all sorts of concerns, but still want to be with you. If you tell her, be prepared. Keep in mind this will be as difficult for her as for you, and be concerned for her welfare. When I came out to my wife, she freaked. In particular, she was concerned at the loss of a male presence upon which she relied. One thing that helped was the book, "My Husband Betty", which explains many facets of transgendered life. One thing that did not help is she went to a counsellor through her work who had NO knowledge or experience with related issues. So, be prepared to give her something to read that presents your case plausibly, and be prepared to offer counselling (for her alone, or together) with someone who can help put her at ease. Know your facts. Absolutely make it clear that you love her, do not want to leave her, etc.
Let us say that you do tell her, and she (eventually) accepts. Go slow! Don't flaunt, don't talk about it all of the time (tell her you are ready to talk anytime, though), be conservative and complete in dressing and don't go out and max out your credit card.
Begin with telling her that there is an aspect to your life of which she is probably unaware. Tell her that you love her very much, and are in pain about keeping it secret from her. Tell her that you are afraid to tell her because you fear she will over-react, and ask for her patience. Perhaps have a photo (looking your prettiest) ready. I have heard that some CD's introduce the subject by showing a photo, and asking what the other person thinks. I have also heard that SO's have found such photos and confronted the CD with cheating on them with a prettier woman; only to be (a little bit) relieved by the revelation. Try to avoid having 'rules' imposed upon you, or imposing them. In fact, try to avoid any ultimatums. Try for a compromise in which the both of you have time to asorb the situation, and eventually discuss it with some rationailty. Do listen to her concerns, and try to alleviate them.
To me, the question for friends, relatives and loved-ones is, "Would you rather that I was a cross-dresser or hit by a bus?" If they would rather you were hit by a bus, do you really want these people around you?
Darling, if you SO knows, a whole new freedom may open up for you. The question you have to ask is, "Can I give up being a crossdresser for the rest of my life?" If the answer is an emphatic, "No!!!", then hiding this side of yourself from your wife is dishonest. She, when she discovers it, may wonder what else you hide.
If you do tell her, and the worst happens, then perhaps you should not have been married in the first place. The results may be painful (very), but may eventually be beneficial. Divorce and separation can be very hard; but, if inevitable, possibly the best thing.
Perhaps my advice is simply wrong for you. I do feel that the longer you wait, the more betrayed she will feel, and the harder it will be. Also, I feel that if she can accept, both of your lives will be much happier. If you are successful, the next problem will be how to tell her mother? (Actually, I told her mother first. "Wear what you want!", she declared.)

Love,

Minerva

[Nikki Dee]

Your wife...your life...your decision..!!..but always remember you can't "untell"..and be sure you are ready to deal with ALL the possible outcomes...I took that decision..and it worked for me...but it's such a personal decision to make.
good luck
Nikki. x

[sparks]

The earlier in the relationship the better. If it means you may lose her so be it that is if your cding is that important. If I had told my wife in the beginning Sh told she may have been supportive. I waited to long and it has been a long rocky road full of tears and hurt feelings since.
So just be brave and tell her.
Be prepared for the worst because this is not every womans dream.
Good luck

[Alice B]

I agree with the others tht honesty is the best policy. I went through this a few months back with my wife, but before I sat down with her I did a lot of internet searching on cross dressing and printed out all material I thought was related. I then sat down with her, told her of my wishes and gave her the material to read and digest. After a few days she sat down again with me and we had a open discussion. The end result was acceptance of my cross dressing (though not in her presence as yet) and a lot of additional support.:love:

[Carin's Wife GG]

I was more upset with the not knowing. But only YOU can make this decision. In general it seems honesty does pay off. But again it is so individual. Good luck and lots of :hugs:


Louise.

[Mitch23]

Hi,

I'm from Cornwall by the way. Do send me a private message if you wish. I've just been faced with this dilemma and with the help of these lovely girls i am working through the issues with my wife. she doesnt like it, but were still together and our relationship is stronger than ever and we will get through it.

Your wife probably does know anyway - wives are like that. or she suspects that something is amiss but is not sure what it is. it may be that like me you are holding back part of yourself and she doesnt know why. I went for years without telling and have only had a few days to experience what it is like to have an honest relationship- and its fantastic! My wife was hurt by the secrecy and the lies far more than the crossdressing. she may not go as far as you want, and it will take time - but go there and be prepared for the pain, embarrassment and lots of talking!

mitch

[Carin's Wife GG]

Hi,

I'm from Cornwall by the way. Do send me a private message if you wish. I've just been faced with this dilemma and with the help of these lovely girls i am working through the issues with my wife. she doesnt like it, but were still together and our relationship is stronger than ever and we will get through it.

Your wife probably does know anyway - wives are like that. or she suspects that something is amiss but is not sure what it is. it may be that like me you are holding back part of yourself and she doesnt know why. I went for years without telling and have only had a few days to experience what it is like to have an honest relationship- and its fantastic! My wife was hurt by the secrecy and the lies far more than the crossdressing. she may not go as far as you want, and it will take time - but go there and be prepared for the pain, embarrassment and lots of talking!





mitch


you are so right. We have instincts that if we listen well can guide us through painful times.


Louise.

[sandcastle]

Hi,

...

Your wife probably does know anyway - wives are like that. or she suspects that something is amiss but is not sure what it is.

mitch

I think my SO has a similar suspicion of me - thinks there's another woman - there is in a way.

Sandra.
PS. I didn't realise you're from Cornwall, Mitch.

[az_azeel]

Brenda
first of all welcome I am also in the UK. I agree with you on the fact that us brits are rather more conservative than our sisters across the pond. My advice to you is tread very carefully as a few others have said it the lying that sometimes freaks a woman out. I thought I knew my first wife and when I sat down to talk to her about my c/ding she flipped. Didnt want to know, or learn anything about the subject. Needless to say it eventually led to the break-up of my marriage. Still I thank her now because she obviously wasn't the right person for me. I vowed after that, that any girl I went out with I would come clean and admit I like dressing in womans clothes. I have found the earlier you mention something like this in a relationship the easier it is. Unlike yourself I am still in the closet and have no intention of going out en-femme, it's never appealed to me (although my partner made me go out in the garden once when it was dark) lol... Like I say you may think you know your wife but go easy and good luck... :hugs:

[JulieC]

I am generally 110% in favor of telling your wife. I think there are other factors at play though; if there are kids, that really changes things. The kids can become victims of poor decisions.

I think the poor decision is not telling your spouse to be before you even ask them to marry you. Very bad form. But, there's plenty of us who have already crossed that bridge, and made that poor choice. How do you go back and fix it? That can be very, very hard. When there are kids involved...uhg.

I don't think it's right to inflict your poor decisions on kids. If you have kids, and your wife doesn't know, you might consider waiting to tell her until after your kids are of an age to leave the house.

If you don't have kids, I think honest is exceptionally important. The fallout could be much more serious later. As others have noted, keeping it secret is dangerous.

For my own part; I didn't tell most girlfriends early on in my dating days. I remember shaking like a leaf when one girlfriend saw me in pantyhose (at her request) and she didn't know. What an opportunity to tell her, and I never did. I was 26 before I told any girlfriend. Subsequent to that, I told all girlfriends. My now wife knew within the first few months of us dating. I was especially nervous in telling her when I hadn't been so with others for a while because I had a very strong suspicion that she was the one...this was *the* woman.

Fortunately, she didn't bat an eyelash. Things got rocky for a bit a little over a year ago when my crossdressing expanded very significantly beyond pantyhose and the occasional other undergarment. Things have settled down now.

I'm ever thankful that I told her long before we even got engaged, and ever thanking my lucky stars that I found her. Just this week she gave me an old swimsuit of hers from when she weighed considerably more than she does now. I love this woman. I LOVE this woman!

Short summary to the long winded response above; if no kids, tell her. You'll be much better off in the long run if you do.

[Sheila]

like at lot of GG's I was more upset over the lies and deciept then the cding itself when I first discovered my DH cding ..... they took a lot of getting over and so long as he continues to be honest with me I am fine but the moment I think he is hiding something I go into angry mode over it all again.

good luck on the telling

[faltenrock]

Brenda-Jean, my understanding is that, in most cases, wives are far more hurt by the secrecy than anything else. If you tell her, there are two ends of the spectrum of possibilities. First, that she will despise you and leave you. I must assume that, since she married you, she has some affection for you and that this extreme is unlikely. The second extreme is that she would be delighted and interested and supporting. Because of the negative connotations of crossdressing in society; this is also unlikely.
Let us suppose (and you are the best judge of this) that she will be shocked and dismayed and have all sorts of concerns, but still want to be with you. If you tell her, be prepared. Keep in mind this will be as difficult for her as for you, and be concerned for her welfare. When I came out to my wife, she freaked. In particular, she was concerned at the loss of a male presence upon which she relied. One thing that helped was the book, "My Husband Betty", which explains many facets of transgendered life. One thing that did not help is she went to a counsellor through her work who had NO knowledge or experience with related issues. So, be prepared to give her something to read that presents your case plausibly, and be prepared to offer counselling (for her alone, or together) with someone who can help put her at ease. Know your facts. Absolutely make it clear that you love her, do not want to leave her, etc.
Let us say that you do tell her, and she (eventually) accepts. Go slow! Don't flaunt, don't talk about it all of the time (tell her you are ready to talk anytime, though), be conservative and complete in dressing and don't go out and max out your credit card.
Begin with telling her that there is an aspect to your life of which she is probably unaware. Tell her that you love her very much, and are in pain about keeping it secret from her. Tell her that you are afraid to tell her because you fear she will over-react, and ask for her patience. Perhaps have a photo (looking your prettiest) ready. I have heard that some CD's introduce the subject by showing a photo, and asking what the other person thinks. I have also heard that SO's have found such photos and confronted the CD with cheating on them with a prettier woman; only to be (a little bit) relieved by the revelation. Try to avoid having 'rules' imposed upon you, or imposing them. In fact, try to avoid any ultimatums. Try for a compromise in which the both of you have time to asorb the situation, and eventually discuss it with some rationailty. Do listen to her concerns, and try to alleviate them.
To me, the question for friends, relatives and loved-ones is, "Would you rather that I was a cross-dresser or hit by a bus?" If they would rather you were hit by a bus, do you really want these people around you?
Darling, if you SO knows, a whole new freedom may open up for you. The question you have to ask is, "Can I give up being a crossdresser for the rest of my life?" If the answer is an emphatic, "No!!!", then hiding this side of yourself from your wife is dishonest. She, when she discovers it, may wonder what else you hide.
If you do tell her, and the worst happens, then perhaps you should not have been married in the first place. The results may be painful (very), but may eventually be beneficial. Divorce and separation can be very hard; but, if inevitable, possibly the best thing.
Perhaps my advice is simply wrong for you. I do feel that the longer you wait, the more betrayed she will feel, and the harder it will be. Also, I feel that if she can accept, both of your lives will be much happier. If you are successful, the next problem will be how to tell her mother? (Actually, I told her mother first. "Wear what you want!", she declared.)

Love,

Minerva

Minerva, you are so right.

Brenda Jean, I complettely agree on this. Still, it will be your decision and risk of telling.
I did not tell my wife prior to marrige. When we met, I told her that I liked her to wear pantyhose, stockings and sexy lingerie. She didn't really like to wear them for me - but sometimes she did - not being to comfortable with it. I came out to her about my CD before she wanted to have a baby. To told her as carefully as I could. Well, she did accept it for about 10 years - with discomfort. I think, my main mistake was, that I did not manage to supply good and deep informations about crossdressing, now it's to late for that. It would have helped a lot for her understanding.
Good like, I'm sure you'll find one good way.

Doreen