Helping someone blossom into their own being

[MoonBaby GG]

[ mood | http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/indifferent_sp.gif uncomfortable ] Crazy emotions
A wellspring of pride and my happiness lies in the fact that my partner and I are effectively able to communicate. This has proven invaluable beyond a shadow of a doubt and shows that we can work through difficulties and remain friends. Granted, we might not always agree and sometimes we even land in opposing camps, but luckily never at war with one another. We just gently *shrug* and "agree to disagree"...instituting rational, polite diplomacy over discourse.

You can imagine my sense of discomfort and even shame for my own emotions and thoughts when my husband told me that our ability to be open and talk about anything gave him a sense of freedom. My emotional maturity, tolerance for diversity and intelligence allowed him to fully explore his secret self. That he felt trust and comfortable enough with me, in our marriage, and finally with himself as a man, to recognize the inner woman he'd repressed for so long.

It is an incredible compliment and yet bittersweet knowing that I helped "birth" my greatest source of fear, stress and pain. The very being he is becoming was due to my giving nature and ironically how selfish I feel by wanting her (for the most part) to go away. We've been working on this by skimming websites, reading the "My Husband Betty" book, and talking through our frustrations and raw moments until we're both exhausted. The process has been overwhelming. Over the past two months I've been more Gloria Steinem than Gloria Vanderbilt, eschewing fashion, and have calmly tried to explain to my partner that "being a woman is less about how you look and more about how you act and feel"...but mostly I've cried and raged.

Currently I've reached an uneasy balance point and am trying not to shut down inside. I hate conflict but am not a "push over" either, instead preferring to temporarily retreat to my She-Man cave until things settle down. It's not within me to deny my partner this experience. I want to be supportive, helping him understand his inner woman and give her the opportunity to grow into her full potential, but also reach an area where we both are gaining mutual satisfaction and building on the relationship. Like most of life's tests' this takes an immense amount of effort, but since I'm a big fan of the "less turmoil and more happiness" premise ~ I'll keep working towards that goal.

[kerrianna]

You certainly have a very articulate and thoughtful way of dealing with your conflicted emotions, MoonBaby. I'm glad because I believe that only by dealing truthfully with each other can we find common ground. Sometimes the hardest thing for one partner is to be able to put into words the emotions they are feeling. I've found that to do that sometimes even requires both of us throwing (not literally :heehee: ) things back and forth. Suddenly the best way of putting something will come to you and understanding seeps in. It sure can be a long difficult process.

I'm sure you speak for many partners who are dealing with similar issues. On the one hand you want to support, and feel you have been handed a fragile trust, and on the other you don't want to lose what you thought you had. Hopefully by remaining true and open to each other common ground can be found. For some of us this is an equally frightening and bewildering experience. There are days I wish I could just forget it and return to my old self...but even Carol knows that old self wasn't working - I was seriously and fundamentally flawed. For me a big issue is how to find expression of my true nature with Carol by my side and happy. I realize this involves 'throttling down" some of my longing, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It pushes me to find creative ways of being that extend beyond basic gender identification. And that makes me a more interesting, vital, whole being. I think I can live with that. Everyone's different, but maybe that's a place Karen will eventually find works for her too.

I'm glad for her sake you are willing to make the effort. I do truly hope you two can find joy, wonder and peace along this journey. :hugs: :hugs:

[Maggie Kay]

My wife and I are in the middle of my TG expression and are working it out as we can while still having a college age daughter at home with s while she is in school. We have had awful fights and I have been in terrible moods trying to maintain the "Father Knows Best" image when Father is now clearly Mr. Mom.

After several years of dealing with it what seems to hold it together is that we all love each other. The main fear that we all had was that my TG would split us up. That TG would take me away from them. It didn't and that has helped so much to cope with my ever changing emotional state.

It is no rose garden and I still occasionally break for the door emotionally, hoping to put TG back in the bottle. In the end, we are a family and keeping that in mind, they help me and I have the feeling that I am still loved. I love them so much too. I didn't choose this condition any more than I chose losing the sight in an eye or my wife having cancer. These things come in life and it is how we care for each other that counts.

[cindianna_jones]

Moonbaby,

I admire you. I really do. It is rare that a spouse will be able to deal with this in an up front manner. No matter how it all turns out, you will know that you have offered love and honesty. No one can ask for anything more.

I give you my best.

Cindi

[Calliope]

[...] "being a woman is less about how you look and more about how you act and feel"...


I believe that to be very true.