The Question Is... (Serious)

[Cheyenne]

Should cd'ing be placed above a relationship with your spouse or girlfriend? That's just the impression I get from reading some of these posts. Is it worth losing a loved one over your cd desires? Something to ponder...

[Tamara Croft]

No you shouldn't put your cd'ing before your spouse. Those that do that are just selfish, spiteful and probably not worth being in a relationship with...

[Mary Jane]

No, dressing is definitely not something that should interfere with a relationship. There are many more important things in life.

[Toyah]

Wow I agree with Tamara !!!!!!
You should not hide anything from your partner that is just not right.
If they dont know about your CDing then find out you have a double whammy and very possably a split on your hands

[Teresa Amina]

But how much is really a willing placement? It's not like building a hot rod in your garage- cding is an expression of something essential to your being. We can, and have for the most part, suppressed it to one extent or another for often a very long time. The more you push the harder it pushes back. Yet an accomodation with it is possible, but that so/wife needs to understand this isn't just a "hobby".

[Wendy me]

i have to agree with Tamara .... to a point .... see this is something that can't and won't just go away ..... compromises are needed as well as some sort of a outlet to allow the crossdresser to just be a crossdresser .... even in the closet .... my wife is not supportive and i put her a head of all else .... but i get my time in as well .... see ever just choosing your SO or your dressing won't work ....

Should coding be placed above a relationship with your spouse or girlfriend?


my answer is no if you want the relationship to last or work out.... a relationship with your SO can't be put next in line to anything else.....

[Carroll]

Should cd'ing be placed above a relationship with your spouse or girlfriend? That's just the impression I get from reading some of these posts. Is it worth losing a loved one over your cd desires? Something to ponder...

Nothing to ponder at all...family always comes first. In the way you worded your question, you can say drugs, alcohol, or any other "vice" instead of Cross dressing. Though CDing is most likely encoded in our genes and something we are strongly compelled to do, there is almost always a way to compromise to maintain a healthy family relationship.

[lindsaycd75]

Here is a point I have not heard mentioned yet. I know that most of , iff we do not get our girly time, start to have side effects if you will. In my case I get grumpy, moody and my ocd and anxiety issues start to become a problem. So essentially if we don't do something about it there will be harm to the relationship from this side too. So in essence what we should be striving for is a balance between harming our relationships by not doing and harming them by doing.

[Kate Simmons]

IMO, anyone who does this is a fool. Been there, done that. Nowadays, I dress by default as I have nothing else. I would gladly give it all up to get back the love of my life.:straightface:

[Mitch23]

Should cd'ing be placed above a relationship with your spouse or girlfriend? That's just the impression I get from reading some of these posts. Is it worth losing a loved one over your cd desires? Something to ponder...
No, no and no. Yes there has to be a balance, hopefully a compromise. in my case, my cd, although disliked, is enhancing our relationship because it is freeing me to be the person i was intended to be. therefore, i can communicate, i am not being dishonest or selfish any more and i am not hiding part of my personality from her. As i am free of all the baggage that i have placed on myself and society has placed on me then i can love my beautiful wife as she deserves

mitch

[MJ]

Never if you love someone you will find a way to deal with derssing isssues
Why would you hurt the one you love

[Cheyenne]

Thanks again for your input on this matter. I have read many posts throughout this forum and it just seems many SO's are turned off and disgusted and sometimes even leave you. From the sounds of things it seems many will dress no matter what your SO thinks or says and that is damaging to a relationship and ultimately could end it.

[Karren H]

Family first..... everything else is secondary...

Karren

[EricaCD]

I am getting lazy in my old age, so I will recycle my answer from a year ago to a similar question (basically, what would you do if your wife said "quit crossdressing or it's over"?)

From 3/13/06 (and nothing has changed since then):

I'd have to be quite certain that:

1. She truly understood what she was asking me to give up. That means after professional counseling, support, etc.

2. She honestly could not reconcile herself to living with me while I actively continued to crossdress.

In that case, I have no doubt I would quit dressing -- at least until my children are grown. I might revisit at that point, because separation/divorce would at least not affect my kids so profoundly.

I should stress that my female identity is not as integral to my nature as it evidently is for many of the other girls in this group. So in essence I would be giving up less than many. I totally agree with the general consensus advanced here: if being en femme is an inescapable and essential part of who you are, then your best bet is to acknowledge that quickly to your SO and make clear that it is not an a-la-carte option for your life.

Love,
Erica

PS: mercifully this is a theoretical question as my wife does know....

[Sheila]

Should cd'ing be placed above a relationship with your spouse or girlfriend? That's just the impression I get from reading some of these posts. Is it worth losing a loved one over your cd desires? Something to ponder...


yup if you want to be on your own ...... not if you value your relationship, nothing be it cding, football, golf, shopping, going to the gym/fitness club, or any hobby by either of a partnership should ever come before your relationship ......... just my 0.02

[Lilith Moon]

I'm going to put on my asbestos panties before posting this....

Yes, to put CD-ing above your family would be selfish if it were simply another pleasant pastime that was comparable with golf or fishing, which seems to be the understanding of some in this thread.

However that is not so for all of us, as evidenced by the high suicide rates among certain groups of TG people. CD is not necessarily just another hobby for some of us. It is part of who we are and to deny it can lead to a shortened life of stress related illnesses and worse. If a choice has to be made between keeping the family happy versus personal survival then to seek the latter is far from being spiteful and selfish...in my opinion.

[DanaJ]

Family first..... everything else is secondary...

Karren
Karen - are you seriously saying that if your wife gave you an ultimatum and told you to stop all CDing, you would just give it up, forever and never look back???

[susie evans]

family first but i also have a very supportive wife and i think /no that helps a lot :hugs:

susie

[battybattybats]

I realise that a lot of people have the view that a relationship is worth any sacrifice... but in my view that just can't be right.

Thinking that way can get you into a situation where you lose your self, your identity, your freedom.. everything that makes you you so that the other person in the relationship can be happy. Can you really love another if you are willing to become a shell, a parody of who you are inside?
Isn't it a more noble love to be honest? Isn't it a more noble love to see to your own needs as well as those of your partners? Isn't it a more noble love to say 'I will compromise to a fair point but not so far that my needs are not also met?'

What good would a relationship be if in the process of sacrificing this part of yourself you turn yourself slowly bitter with time and the relationship becomes stale and hollow? A mockery of what it might have been?

It isn't, nor will it, nor could it ever be about choosing the crossdressing over the relationship.
If one person should be willing to sacrifice everything for the relationship by shedding an important part of themselves then there partner should just as much be willing to sacrifice their problems with it to love their partner for who they are inside rather than just a facet. Isn't it wrong in a relationship, a bad faith, a corruption of the very principles behind the relationship to demand that a person change in this regard or to make them choose between their free expression as human beings on one hand and their most dear and profound relationship on the other?

Beyond that isn't it a betrayel of those ideals to make such a choice? It's not about selfishness and it absolutely is not putting CDing above the relationship. It's about putting your own needs up as an equal and fair priority inside the relationship or inside your life aside from the relationship. The relationship does not exist seperatly from the crossdressing even if the crossdressing occurs outside the confines of the relationship because the crossdresser is in the relationship.
Therefore even if hidden or apart the crossdressing is a part of the relationship.

I think its a matter of integrity and more besides. Why aren't we asking the question equaly the other way.. for those who don't find out till after they are married is the other half of the question 'should your expectations of how your husband would or should appear and behave be worth more than the relationship?'

I used to think that this part of me wasn't that important. I was upfront about it in my relationship though it was a fairly infrequent thing. When the need came back she had a problem with it and I tried to give up.. only it's not giving up.. its more like binding down, locking up or even trying to gouge out a part of yourself and it was not right. What has come before the relationship has been her need to remove this part of me.

Even if it had just been a hobby, if it is filling up so much of someones life that there is no room for the relationship then surely it would have to be restrained but that wouldn't be reasonable to ask to quit.

For example If someone were to ask their partner 'please spend less time on the football, golf gym etc to spend more time with me' that would be fair and reasonable. If they were to say 'quit the football, golf, gym etc or it will be the end of the relationship' I think that says they are putting their wants before the relationship!

[Dixie]

NO, but that is easy for me to say as I've never had to make the choice.

[Stephenie S]

A lot must depend on how we feel ouselves about CDing. I found, over my life time, that I could not "give it up", when I was concerned about my SO's imaginary disaproval. When I finally told, the disaproval wasn't there. Duh!

But what about those whose SO really don't aprove? Some SOs actually DO say, "Give it up, or get out!" I think that maybe those people are not worth staying with. I mean, if you wanted to build a hotrod in the garage, and she was against it, couldn't you find a compromise? Build the hotrod somewhere else? Build it with a time limit? Some kind of compromise? Karren's wife disaproves. Karren CDs elsewhere. She keeps her wife OUT of her CDing life. Others here have similar strategies. I know, for instance, that my wife smokes. I absolutely HATE it. But I compromise. She doesn't smoke in the house, or car, or anywhere around me. And I absolutely refrain from making any pointed comments ever about how she smells when we kiss. That's a compromise. She does not really aprove of my gender confusion. She would rather it all just went away. I try really hard not to "rub her face in it". I always try to dress and act in a way that does not embarrass her. We compromise because we love each other.

If she, or I, were to lay down the law about each other's behavior, I am not sure how well our marriage would work. Two people living together is always a compromise. Any time it becomes "my way or the highway", you have trouble brewing.

Lovies,
Stephenie

And to all you sweet, sweet, ladies who respond so nicely to my posts, my name is spelled with an "e", Stephenie.

Love

[Di]

Should cd'ing be placed above a relationship with your spouse or girlfriend? That's just the impression I get from reading some of these posts. Is it worth losing a loved one over your cd desires? Something to ponder...

I would say family/love first.....but adding...that this is part of what someone is....it is part of who they are.........and neither party...has the right to say someone has no rights to express themselves....it should not be selfishness on either party...............for couples that do not see eye to eye on it.........there can be compromises...even if...ok...you can dress when I am not here.or whatever else a couple can work out. I do hate when there is a breakup when one party or both dig their heels and and will not even try to see the others pain and needs and that is on both sides.



Adding the best thing...would be to have it up front in the first place......and then this would not be an issue.

[Katelyn]

here's what I think. It's a Catch 22, sort of

First of all, I agree that if you love her that much then she should be before anything else. However, if she loves you just as much, she will not ask you to give it up completely. Maybe just around her. One thing she doesn't understand is that for most of us, dressing is not really a choice, but instead, a simbiotic relationship with our inner self. If that part of you is forced to go away, then you will be incomplete. This can actually lead to anxiety, anger, and depression. Then again, it may not.

[Leah B]

It's just as selfish to demand that a CDer stop because you don't like it.

[Lovely Rita]

Speaking for myself and only for myself, nothing is more important than my spouse. I am greatful that my cding is not a problem, but, at leaste for me, my spouse comes first. I always have to remember that, even when my desires are overwhelming.

[Glenda58]

It's not a question about placing above your relationship it's part of it. It's part of you and it will not go away. So you have to make it part of the relationship. If you try to hide or denial it it will cause stress in the relationship and then cause a breakup. So it has to be part of it.

[Karren H]

Karen - are you seriously saying that if your wife gave you an ultimatum and told you to stop all CDing, you would just give it up, forever and never look back???

That's what I'm saying.... and yeah it would suck but I love my wife and kids and would give up anything for them.... Hey I didn't crossdress for 10 years... did not even think about it.... So at 55, it's not that long till the end anyway.... lol

Karren

[DanaJ]

Well, since you know that your wife disapproves, and at best looks the other way, then does she actually have to tell you in unequivicable, out-loud terms to stop? Wouldn't it make your wife happy if you stopped today?

I'm not trying to start an arguement, I am genuinely curious after reading about your many adventures and postings, it just seems to me that it is much more than an easily dropped hobby......for example, you posted recently how you plan your day and events around crossdressing....

[VeronicaKate]

This one is tough, becuase am lucky to have a SO that cares and understands. I will always be there for my wife and my family is number one. I would initialy stop and try to get her to go with me to a counselor to help us sort through it. You never know peolple do change there minds when they understand and see the other side, hopefully then we could at least reach a compromise, and if the answer is still no, then I would have to really think of what is more important in my life. :eek: Whew, too who ever has to go through that, I am so sorry and God Bless what ever decision you make.

VK

[Joanne f]

My wife and my children come`s befor every thing else if i had to give up cding i would





joanne

[Karren H]

Well, since you know that your wife disapproves, and at best looks the other way, then does she actually have to tell you in unequivicable, out-loud terms to stop? Wouldn't it make your wife happy if you stopped today?

I'm not trying to start an arguement, I am genuinely curious after reading about your many adventures and postings, it just seems to me that it is much more than an easily dropped hobby......for example, you posted recently how you plan your day and events around crossdressing....

You. Argue? Nahhhhh.. Hehe. Didn't say it would be easy.. But after 31 years of faithful mairage which would you choose? And as long as I could still play hockey.. I could wear garters and hose and a girdle... :)

Love Karren

[kerrianna]

You. Argue? Nahhhhh.. Hehe. Didn't say it would be easy.. But after 31 years of faithful mairage which would you choose? And as long as I could still play hockey.. I could wear garters and hose and a girdle... :)

Love Karren

Don't forget the shoulder pads. :heehee:



Everyone is different, so I can't see a blanket answer to this. Some people's relationships are secondary to almost everything they do in life.

CDing also means different things for different people. For some it is more about dealing with gender identity issues, and those cannot be supressed without fallout in another area, so it isn't a simple question of deciding to put it above the relationship.

And some people are just stuck in unhealthy relationships where if it wasn't CDing it would be something else.

[Rachel Morley]

Should cd'ing be placed above a relationship with your spouse or girlfriend? ..... Is it worth losing a loved one over your cd desires?
Not for me it's not. I don't think there's anything I would do to risk a relationship that is as good as the one I have now. I know it's easy for me to say because my wife encourages me to dress, but I was so ready to accept so much less before we got married. IMHO special people and special relationships are too rare to risk anything for.

[Carin's Wife GG]

CDing exists within the relationship whether we like it or not. It is not a hobby for most and as such is not going to just go away.

IMO, if the SO loves the CDer as much as the CDers who have responded here then she cannot in good conscience not *allow* her partner to do what he needs to do in order to be whole.


Louise.

[rose382832]

never ever put anything above your true love. if that is your cding ok if that is your so then think wich is more important to you and live with the results.

remember you can choose your friends but not your family.

[Butterfly Bill]

I've never gotten to the point of marriage with anyone, but I did give up a girlfriend who was demanding that I stop. If she didn't love that part of me, she didn't love me, she just loved someone that she was trying to make me into to fulfill her fantasies and expectations. Don't regret having chosen freedom over her one bit.

[Valerie Nicole]

I hope to forever avoid this dilemma by not getting involved with somebody who doesn't accept it from the start. In that way I am not really choosing between a significant other and my CDing, but rather only a potential SO and my CDing. The way I see it, those choices are worlds apart, and it is okay to choose CDing over someone who is only potentially a SO. Granted, I'm willing to admit that this probably won't work perfectly for me...its just my own personal take on the CD vs. SO dilemma. :2c:

[Joy Carter]

Most who have been here the past year, know that I had to push the issue with my wife. She was death on the subject and I respected her wishes from the first month we were married. Just that I was a wreck by hiding it for so long. We survived my wanting to be whole over this past year. So other than what I spend on clothes. And that she doesn't ever want to see it. Were doing fine. Just one of the lucky one's I guess.

[Stephenie S]

I agree with Butterfly Bill 100%.

Steph

[Opie!]

I think the bottom line is this: If she is not willing to accept you for who you are, merits AND flaws, how can you really believe that it's love. This is, however a two way street; as much as they need to be able to accept the fact that you CD, you also need to accept the fact that they might not care to be involved in it whatsoever.

I did just end a relationship because of this, but, I refuse to mold myself into the person that she wants just to avoid loneliness. Perhaps this attitude will keep me single for the rest of my life, but, I'd rather be single and mostly happy than coupled, and miserable.

[Julogden]

That's a very difficult question to give an unqualified yes/no answer to, but I'll toss in my :2c: .

First of all, I feel that CD's absolutely need to reveal their TG status from the start, don't hide it and then spring it on your SO after you're a couple.

If one reveals their CD status after starting a serious relationship, then you need to be ready to do a lot of compromising if you want to remain in the relationship, unless your SO is happy to be involved with a CD, but that doesn't happen very often, as crossdressing is viewed as a liability rather than a virtue by most females. If your spouse isn't willing and able to compromise, then it probably isn't going to work in the long run.

If your SO knew ahead that you're a CD, and indicated that it isn't a problem for her, then I'd feel that less compromising is called for on your part if she reverses course after being in the relationship, as she knew ahead what the story was.

I feel that anyone who has gender issues really ought to work out where you fit into the gender spectrum before getting into a serious relationship with anyone, and then be totally honest with the other person so they don't have any false impressions as to who they're getting involved with.

And, I feel a lot of SO's just don't get that they can't change their CD partner. A CD can't just shut off that part of who they are without consequences, it's all part of the package. Asking someone to deny a huge part of who they are is begging for trouble. If some sort of resonably comfortable compromise can't be reached, then IMO, the relationship is doomed.

Carol:hugs:

[serinalynn]

To my wife; I am her husband first and foremost, and Serina Lynn second. I get a lot of time to be Serina Lynn too. My wife keeps telling me " Its fun to be a girl" and dresssing like I do I can see why. :heehee:

[Julogden]

yup if you want to be on your own ...... not if you value your relationship, nothing be it cding, football, golf, shopping, going to the gym/fitness club, or any hobby by either of a partnership should ever come before your relationship ......... just my 0.02
Hi Jess,

I'm not criticizing you here, but your post shows clearly what part of the problem is in many, many cases: most spouses don't understand the nature of their CD spouse and view crossdressing as some sort of a weird hobby equating it with football, golf, shopping, going to the gym/fitness club, as you said, and to be fair, many CD's, in trying to reassure their distressed SO, make light of it (many CD's actually don't realize themselves how significant being TG is) and try to give the impression that it's no big deal and akin to a hobby, and in most cases, it is far from simply being a hobby.

Gender identity is a huge part of who we all are, TG or not. Imagine how you would feel if your husband told you that you need to stop dressing as a woman. While it's not exactly the same thing, that's basically what you're doing if you tell a CD'ing spouse to quit dressing, asking someone who has a significantly feminine gender identity to hide that and pretend that they're someone who they aren't.

Carol:hugs:

[Julogden]

I've never gotten to the point of marriage with anyone, but I did give up a girlfriend who was demanding that I stop. If she didn't love that part of me, she didn't love me, she just loved someone that she was trying to make me into to fulfill her fantasies and expectations. Don't regret having chosen freedom over her one bit.
Hi Bill,

That's exactly how we all need to look at relationships. We need to be honest about who we are from the start, that's how to end up with someone who loves us because of who we are, not in spite of who we are.

Carol:hugs:

[Lilith Moon]

Hi Jess,

I'm not criticizing you here, but your post shows clearly what part of the problem is in many, many cases: most spouses don't understand the nature of their CD spouse and view crossdressing as some sort of a weird hobby equating it with football, golf, shopping, going to the gym/fitness club, as you said, and to be fair, many CD's, in trying to reassure their distressed SO, make light of it (many CD's actually don't realize themselves how significant being TG is) and try to give the impression that it's no big deal and akin to a hobby, and in most cases, it is far from simply being a hobby.

Gender identity is a huge part of who we all are, TG or not. Imagine how you would feel if your husband told you that you need to stop dressing as a woman. While it's not exactly the same thing, that's basically what you're doing if you tell a CD'ing spouse to quit dressing, asking someone who has a significantly feminine gender identity to hide that and pretend that they're someone who they aren't.

Carol:hugs:

Carol,

Nail on the head. I wrote something similar further up this thread, but you did a much better job.

The "strange hobby" explanation for crossdressing is the misunderstanding that I see most often among SOs here and, indeed, among many crossdressers.

Please, everybody, read Carols post carefully. The need to express a gender *is* utterly fundamental to us all and to try to suppress it *will* have serious consequences.

[Sheila]

Hi Jess,

I'm not criticizing you here, but your post shows clearly what part of the problem is in many, many cases: most spouses don't understand the nature of their CD spouse and view crossdressing as some sort of a weird hobby equating it with football, golf, shopping, going to the gym/fitness club, as you said, and to be fair, many CD's, in trying to reassure their distressed SO, make light of it (many CD's actually don't realize themselves how significant being TG is) and try to give the impression that it's no big deal and akin to a hobby, and in most cases, it is far from simply being a hobby.

Gender identity is a huge part of who we all are, TG or not. Imagine how you would feel if your husband told you that you need to stop dressing as a woman. While it's not exactly the same thing, that's basically what you're doing if you tell a CD'ing spouse to quit dressing, asking someone who has a significantly feminine gender identity to hide that and pretend that they're someone who they aren't.

Carol:hugs:


Sorry Carol I thik you misunderstod what I was trying to say ......... I do not think of crossdressing as a hobby, and yes I understand it to be a part of who my partner is................ and that is the point it is A part of who he is and not the whole should he wish to dress as fem 24/7 I would like to think that I would support him in that (until he did or ever expressd a wish to do so, I do not know for certainty how I will/would react). I hate that society forces him to hide a part of who he is, hack I hate the lies and deceipt of it all.......... heck even our kids don't know although we are a step or two closer to telling them and we don't tell them through his choice not mine, but even he adnits that crossdrsssing is not a huge part of his daily life not does he want it to be at the moment (neither of us are sure how this will develop ithe future)

I would nevr dream of saying to him that he could not dress, ........... time and time again on the forum I have said she is a part of the man I fell in love with ...... even if I did not know she was there ..........

If i was going out 7 night a week week in week out the I could rightfully expect my partner to not be happy about it and ask me to reign it in ... in my opinion no different to what some SO's ask of their partners in their dressing desires and some cases cdr's do want the right to dress 7 nights a week and and at weekends/holidays.

To reiterate.......... I do not, would not ask him to not dress, I wolud rather that our family and friends knew about his dressing......... thereby allowing him to express himself wholly but he chooses not to.. in effect he choose to hide who he is, and I have to respect his decision

[Julogden]

Sorry Carol I thik you misunderstod what I was trying to say ......... I do not think of crossdressing as a hobby, and yes I understand it to be a part of who my partner is................ and that is the point it is A part of who he is and not the whole should he wish to dress as fem 24/7 I would like to think that I would support him in that (until he did or ever expressd a wish to do so, I do not know for certainty how I will/would react). I hate that society forces him to hide a part of who he is, hack I hate the lies and deceipt of it all.......... heck even our kids don't know although we are a step or two closer to telling them and we don't tell them through his choice not mine, but even he adnits that crossdrsssing is not a huge part of his daily life not does he want it to be at the moment (neither of us are sure how this will develop ithe future)

I would never dream of saying to him that he could not dress, ........... time and time again on the forum I have said she is a part of the man I fell in love with ...... even if I did not know she was there ..........

If I was going out 7 night a week week in week out the I could rightfully expect my partner to not be happy about it and ask me to reign it in ... in my opinion no different to what some SO's ask of their partners in their dressing desires and some cases cdr's do want the right to dress 7 nights a week and and at weekends/holidays.

To reiterate.......... I do not, would not ask him to not dress, I would rather that our family and friends knew about his dressing......... thereby allowing him to express himself wholly but he chooses not to.. in effect he choose to hide who he is, and I have to respect his decision
Hi again Jess,

Sorry if you felt that I was criticizing you, as I didn't intend it as that. Looks to me like we're pretty much on the same page.

It was your statement lumping crossdressing in with hobbies that caught my eye, and I responded to that, not intending for a second to make you out as one of the wives who trivializes her husbands gender situation.

I was a member (for several years) of a couple TG support groups who welcomed SO's, and I saw many spouses who looked at crossdressing in their relationship as being something, well, trivial, as well as being not a good thing. Lots of females, not you evidently, feel that if their husband/boyfriend really loved them, they'd just stop being a crossdresser, as if being a CD was just some minor little thing that could be ignored at will.

That's what I was addressing, and I'm very sorry if you took that to be critical of you. I tend to think that most wives or girlfriends hanging out here are probably working hard to be accepting, way more than the average SO of a TG male.:love:

Carol:hugs:

[celeste26]

This all seems to be based upon having an open and trusting relationship with our spouses. But 90% plus of us dont go out of our ways to make sure that we have a supportive spouse first before we're married so we dont have an open and above board relationship in the first place. This is where the question goes off the track.

IFwe have a supportive spouse we all know of times when we have just concentrated upon our own special needs and that can get too much for any relationship and it is wrong. Marriage is about the other person not our own needs anyway.

By not starting out right; by marrying someone who doesn't support our needs, and we hide from them, there is no successful painfree life for this person anyway. It might be better to start over completely with someone who honetly agrees ahead of time to be supportive.

[KatieC]

I have to believe that BBB and the other posters who wrote about balance within the relationship, not crossdressing versus the relationship, are right. I never set out to purposely hide my crossdressing desires from my wife. It was too shameful to bring up back before we got married, and I honestly thought it was something that would just go away once we were married. I managed to (mostly) suppress it for over a decade. But it won't go away, and I can no longer deny that it is there.

I haven't yet told my wife. There are a ton of reasons I haven't, which I really should spawn off into its own thread sometime soon. But I think, if it actually became a case of "crossdressing versus the relationship" that something inside me would die whichever way I ultimately chose. So I can't, won't, believe that choosing between the two is right. Finding a balance that we both could live with has to be the answer.

It HAS to be.

-Katie

[Diane1950]

Everyone has different priorities in life. For myself, my relationship with my wife is supreme. It has gone through some pretty bleak times when it was close to death (for non-cd reasons), but it has survived and thrived and grown more profound with age. It is the greatest gift life has given me, and nothing, but nothing, can be allowed to stand in the way of it. So in my case, the choice would be clear.

But at the same time, I find it difficult to visualize a loving, caring relationship where such a choice would have to be made. Compromise should always be possible.

[Carin's Wife GG]

I would like to add that the SO also has a responsibility not to play the victim in all of this. I did thos for way too long and it hurt BOTH of us. Yes, the CDing was there (minutely) before our marriage. Yes I felt betrayed. BUT CDing also gave us the opportunity to grow, change and become better people, (IMO). we are closer NOW than before I knew.



Louise.

[Hali]

In this LIFE we are all created for a purpose whether we like it or not, CDing is just one of the CONTROLS the system (GOD) used to add color to human existance, that is to make life more interesting if a CD wants to have babies (kids) he/she can chose to do so by any method natural or artificial insimination (sperm banks) we dont have to marry, therefore i dont know why CDs are always hooked on pleasing their SOs at the detriment of their life hapiness, in future (very near future) it will come to be that CDs can do what ever they like. What an saying in SUMMARY is WE HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE AT ANYTIME SO THAT WE CAN BE ABLE TO MOVE FORWARD HAPPILY, JUST PRIOTIZE your needs if your SO then find a way to be happy if CDing then find a way for CDing. Tek care.

[silkie h]

I note a reference in one of the posts to CD'ing not being a " hobby for most ". I doubt very much that it is a "hobby " for anyone. When something such as this forms part of one's character, it usually happens at a very young age when the Character is forming permanently. It can be suppressed, but will never go away & it is stronger for some than others.

Having said that, my relationship of 21 years is far more important to me. When I first revealed it to my Wife, I decided to do so knowing that I might have to stop. Fortunately she was ok with it, but my relationship with her was never going to lose if there was a problem.

[Kerry Owens]

Lawren is a crossdresser, and it's part of the whole person that I love not the whole; but I love Lawren. For a million reasons he has made my life different from what it was 2 years ago, for the first time in my life I feel safe.

[Alice B]

Never if it's a wife. They come first. If a girlfriend, then you have to weigh in on the strength and value of the relationship.:happy:

[NatalieBliss]

I would say family/love first.....but adding...that this is part of what someone is....it is part of who they are.........and neither party...has the right to say someone has no rights to express themselves....it should not be selfishness on either party...............for couples that do not see eye to eye on it.........there can be compromises...even if...ok...you can dress when I am not here.or whatever else a couple can work out. I do hate when there is a breakup when one party or both dig their heels and and will not even try to see the others pain and needs and that is on both sides.



Adding the best thing...would be to have it up front in the first place......and then this would not be an issue.

:iagree:

[Brenda_h_j]

My wife and I are very close friends and occasional lovers. We do a number of things together and have common interests, with do not include my c/d'ing. I do look forward my c/d when I get the chance, but I do not take time away for my wife and family to do it.