"Broken relationships?"

[Leah B]

I hear it so much it's almost a cliché: "CDing doesn't break any couples that didn't already have problems to begin with." When I hear this, two thoughts come to mind.

First, don't all relationships have some problems? Good relationships don't have major problems, but every relationship faces issues here and there that need to be tackled.

Second, is this always the case? CDing has tried Sobe's and my relationship, and this is the closest we've ever come to breakup (but we've got plenty of will left in us :). Before I realized the extend of my CDing though, the relationship was pretty dang solid.

Is it really as simple as "CDing doesn't destroy relationships that aren't already stressed?"

[rose382832]

if your relationship is strong, and based on love and respect for each other then cding should not harm it. i have know my wife for 25 years and been married to her for 18 years tommorow and only came out to her 2 months ago and she is still my strongest supporter in life and my best friend. we shop together for all 3 of us and share every other interests. right now im the wife and am cooking her fave foods for our anniversary dinner cause tomorow we have to each face our inlaws for mothers day and hide .

[Eva Diva]

I expect that for most women, it it's early in the relationship, crossdressing would be a deal-breaker. There's a point where you're in so far that it takes a lot to leave, but assuming that love will cover it is looking through pink-tinted glasses.

[az_azeel]

I expect that for most women, it it's early in the relationship, crossdressing would be a deal-breaker. There's a point where you're in so far that it takes a lot to leave, but assuming that love will cover it is looking through pink-tinted glasses.

I agree with you eva, The longer a relationship goes on it can be hard to confess that one likes to crossdress, It can break relationships up because of the miss-trust involved it can also bring couples closer. The truth is if you love the woman and she loves you then no matter what mountains are put in front of you, you will climb them together and roll together down the otherside. :hugs:

[AllieSF]

Yes, in a strong and open relationship with open minded accepting partners, CDing may not be the straw that breaks the camel's back. However, as stated here so often and clearly by GGs, if the CDing comes out as a surprise and the receiving party is totally against it, then just being in love is not necessarily the saving grace. It depends greatly on the person who has to accept the surprise. If problems already exist, then there is a much greater chance of a break in the relationship, though I have read a few threads here where it has actually brought the couple closer together. My :2c: worth.

[Carin]

I hear it so much it's almost a cliché: "CDing doesn't break any couples that didn't already have problems to begin with." When I hear this, two thoughts come to mind.

First, don't all relationships have some problems? Good relationships don't have major problems, but every relationship faces issues here and there that need to be tackled.

Second, is this always the case? CDing has tried Sobe's and my relationship, and this is the closest we've ever come to breakup (but we've got plenty of will left in us :). Before I realized the extend of my CDing though, the relationship was pretty dang solid.

Is it really as simple as "CDing doesn't destroy relationships that aren't already stressed?"


I look at relationships from a perspective 90 degrees shifted from the above. Not from Good vs. Bad or how many problems there are in the relationship, or what is broken. It is just not black and white.

Relationships require work. Sometimes, for a period of time, you have to work harder. Sometimes, for a period of time, you have to work without the expectation of a reward, because you care. When both partners are prepared to work at it, and if the chemistry is right, relationships can work in spite of adverse situations, backgrounds, preferences or pre-conditioning. Those in long term positive relationships have put the work in, and are prepared to put more in. Not hat it is all hard work, not by any means. But it is a vital component.

Until it is endorsed mutually as a positive aspect of a relationship, Crossdressing adds work - and a lot of work - to a relationship.

How much work is too much? Which straw breaks the camels back? That is for each individual to determine.

BTW, work does not just mean compromise. Work includes self-evaluation, effort in understanding, acceptance, consideration and a whole lot more.

Also, this is not directed at you. It is my :2c: on one aspect of relationships that I see is often overlooked.

[kerrianna]

I look at relationships from a perspective 90 degrees shifted from the above. Not from Good vs. Bad or how many problems there are in the relationship, or what is broken. It is just not black and white.

Relationships require work. Sometimes, for a period of time, you have to work harder. Sometimes, for a period of time, you have to work without the expectation of a reward, because you care. When both partners are prepared to work at it, and if the chemistry is right, relationships can work in spite of adverse situations, backgrounds, preferences or pre-conditioning. Those in long term positive relationships have put the work in, and are prepared to put more in. Not hat it is all hard work, not by any means. But it is a vital component.

Until it is endorsed mutually as a positive aspect of a relationship, Crossdressing adds work - and a lot of work - to a relationship.

How much work is too much? Which straw breaks the camels back? That is for each individual to determine.

BTW, work does not just mean compromise. Work includes self-evaluation, effort in understanding, acceptance, consideration and a whole lot more.

Also, this is not directed at you. It is my :2c: on one aspect of relationships that I see is often overlooked.


Well said Carin. In a long term relationship there are many things that can come up that require that 'work'. Every time a couple gets over a hurdle it usually bonds them closer (although it is possible for one or the other to burn out at some point). But that work never ends because something is always coming up. It's natural. We're two distinct individuals living life and exploring all it's mysterious and fascinations. There are bound to be times when monkey wrenches get chucked into the gears. The key is to work together to keep these things from destroying the machinery altogether. Coming out the other side usually makes a couple even stronger.

CDing can be a tricky one because it's not something most people regularily think of so it comes as a surprise and it's difficult for both people to place it's threat to the relationship into context. (As opposed to infidelity for instance which is a common threat to a relationship and one that we can find lots of opinion and feedback on).

But that's why we are here. :D

I'm not sure how long you and Sobe have been together, but I wouldn't say it means you were stressed before. Although sometimes what CDing points out to our partners is how inconsiderate we can be when we become obsessed, or rather acknowledge something about ourselves. Because, regardless of how important it feels to us, a relationship is about BOTH of you, and sometimes the conflict comes from either the CD acting unilaterally, or the SO refusing to acknowledge that this isn't just a misguided whimsy of ours.

Hopefully the CDing or TG component of your relationship will eventually serve to make it stronger, but it does take communication and work by both parties.

[Mitch23]

if it was that easy then we wouldnt need this group would we. its the hardest thing i ever did, coming out to my wife. i fully expected divorce and i've no absolute guarantee that that wont happen in the future.

for me it was a choice betwwen honesty and lies - and i think i know now whats better for a marriage. CDs generally live in a secret world and i think some of us actually prefer it. i dont want to go there again. I've said to my wife more than once if you cant live with it you can divorce me - you've got every reason to (in the worlds eyes). the above posts are spot on

mitch

[Angie G]

Now that my wife knows all about Angie she is OK with her being here part time she (Angie) gos mostly away for the weekend the wife says it's who I am and she loves me so I'm thinking a good marriage won't be broken be one dressing as long as the wife or husband can be reasonable and think things
through We the wife will be married 39 years come July :hugs:
Angie

[Sheila]

As has been said any relationship requires committment from both partners, Cding can and does cause some problems in some relationships, but it does not neccasarily mean the end of the relationship.


Relationships require work. Sometimes, for a period of time, you have to work harder. Sometimes, for a period of time, you have to work without the expectation of a reward, because you care. When both partners are prepared to work at it, and if the chemistry is right, relationships can work in spite of adverse situations, backgrounds, preferences or pre-conditioning. Those in long term positive relationships have put the work in, and are prepared to put more in. Not that it is all hard work, not by any means. But it is a vital component.
:iagree:

good luck to you both working through this:hugs:

[Sedona]

Leah (have always loved that name BTW),

Without knowing particulars such as how long your relationship has been, or how committed you are, I do know that being honest will help things out. Many women worry that if I give an inch, my CDing partner will want a mile. If you've told her that you just like to wear ladies' gear once in a while, and are secretly saving for breast implants, then you'll have a problem.

And, by all means, proceed slowly. My girlfriend is about as squeamish as you can get regarding my CDing. But, she deals with it, and it's been 18 months since I told her. I learned really early on that honesty and the ability to compromise are my best allies.

Good luck!

[Mitch23]

the inch/mile thing. thats a good point which i hadn't considered Sedona. Yes you do need to know where it is leading and this may change over time. I met a couple at the support group and it seems that 'he' is now wanting to go much further than at the outset, perhaps towards TG and 'she' finds it very upsetting. From recreational cd to change of genger is quite a step,

mitch

[Leah B]

For the record, we've been togther three years and two months, and it's been about seven months since I told her (since I knew myself, really) that crossdressing is more than a sexual fetish.

I would like to be able to wake up every day and make a spot decision about whether to spend it en homme or en femme. I'm still unsure about what I need, what can be given up easily, and what can be given up only with effort. It'll take some exploration and soul-searching before I figure it out.

For each of us, this is our first serious relationship, and we'd like to never have to us the phrase "my psycho ex-."

[Satrana]

Is it really as simple as "CDing doesn't destroy relationships that aren't already stressed?"
I had exactly the same thought, all relationships have issues, crossdressing is one item that is considered very abnormal and will often cause problems that exceed the reality of what crossdressing is. We know that most women do struggle to accept crossdressing. Either they hate it or they find a level of tolerance, only a few genuinely accept it and welcome it. And CDs themselves are often confused about what it means to them, are unable to get past the guilt, shame and secrets and can get obsessed with it. End result is a stressed relationship with little to no outside support possible.

As such when a relationship breaks up it is likely that crossdressing did contribute to it, it rarely helps couples stay together. As such I would imagine that most separated SOs would think to themselves -"well at least I don't have to deal with that crossdressing nonsense anymore, I can find myself a real man now"

If a couple can work through the issues the end result should be a stronger relationship. Unfortunately often the issues remain unresolved with a don't ask/don't tell approach that is just trouble waiting to happen.