Frustrated and sad

[Taylor105]

This may be a long post so thank you in advance to those of you who actually make it through it. I am having a journey through gender changes that seems to parrellel some of you. I identify with Felix really well in this aspect. Here is my timeline.

1...I always knew I was different growing up but I really didn't completely grasp it until I was very late into the game. At the age of 21 I got married to a man. I hate sharing that info. He was actually my best friend and we lived together as roommates and my mother kept pushing marriage and I finally succumbed because I was afraid of abandonment and figured that if I was married to him at least he couldn't leave me easily. My own insecurities. I mostly slept on the couch. We were married seven years and then we divorced. My choice. No children were born. Again, mostly because I spent the majority of the marriage on the couch. I was disgusted to sleep with him because I knew I loved women.

2....I left him, asked for a divorce. I felt bad for ruining his life. For pretending to be someone I was not. So I decided enough was enough and I moved out. I came out to everyone as a lesbian. I was accepted by everyone I told. My ex was the most upset but he even came around to accepting me. We remain friends to this day.

3...I started going to gay bars last year. When I got around the culture I realized that I loved women but just did not identify as one. I really had never known anyone like me. I felt like a boy inside. In thinking back I really always did. But I figured butch lesbian is all I would ever be.

4...I decided to do some web surfing to find out more about what I was feeling inside. I found you all. Everything clicked perfectly into place. I almost died several times over the last few years from starving myself to get the perfect boy body. When I found you all I realized there were actually clothes that helped flatten things out. I found that when I started to let go of the eating disorder and get healthy again I started looking more masculine versus the little waif like creature I was in anorexia mode. The first time I got my hair cut to look like a boy I felt the biggest sense of pride. Here I was. Emerging from this cocoon. And then my first packer. Well, I feel as complete as I can feel right now. Maybe I will look into T down the road but for right now I am happy with the Taylor that I am.


Here is the point of this post. I have a friend. Her name is Karen. She is a strong fundamentalist Christian. She has known me since I was married to a guy. She has watched me transition over the years. She got used to the fact that I was a "lesbian" even though it took her awhile to come to accept me. She never did nor will she ever accept same sex relationships though. Basically she just loved me in spite of it. Well, when I came out as trans she thinks I've taken it too far. I tried explaining to her that this is not something I just made up from the clear blue. That it just took me time to figure out who I am and now that I feel like I fit into life I am happy. She uses words like "I don't want to encourage this". Or "I know this is how you feel but I think you could get hurt" I know she is talking about spiritually but still I really got pissed at her. I sent her the pics of me in the tie and she didn't respond other than to say thanks for the pics. I asked her about it on the phone and she said she didn't want to say anything that would sound offensive so she didn't say anything at all. I asked her if there would ever come a day that she could accept me as a boy. She said she didn't know. I told her that I understood that it would take some time for it to sink in and that I hoped she could come to terms with it and accept me for who I am but I really don't think she ever will. She does not call me "he/him" and I don't think she ever will. She does call me Taylor. I have been going by Taylor since 2001. Anyway, I'm confused. I told her that when I come out to everyone I am going to give them all a chance to adjust but after a certain amount of time I am going to cut my losses if I have to because I have been miserable my whole life and now that I am happy being me I do not want to have people in my life who put a damper on my happiness by continuing to see me as a girl. I said even if it means losing you I will do it. Anyway, someone help me here. Am I being harsh? What should I do? I was screaming at her. I made her cry. I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that she uses terms like "choice" like I choose to be a boy. I can't get her to see that I always have been. I guess since she has known me since the beginning of my timeline. Who would "choose" to live in this kind of mayhem?? I will go now. I don't want to start soundind redundant!! Help!!

[Leasa Wells]

so often i hear from the GG to take it slow when people who dont fully understand us. Sounds to be like your friend is taking alot of info in an need time to understand you. You on the other hand might find she can an will not see it your way. Respect is call for, she is not saying much out of respect for you, i would back off, see if over time she can see how you are. I hope you take a deep breath an relax this isnt something you have control of, your friend might just see things differently.

Just my :2c:

Lisalee

[kerrianna]

Hi Taylor :hugs: ,

First off let me say I'm glad you have found a home here. I've noticed you look healthier and happier in your pics lately, so I do think you are on the right path.

I don't think you're being unduly harsh with your friend at all. You've already given her lots of time and knowledge and it seems like she has a wall that she can't or won't cross to remain friends with you. It could well be that her religion is that wall, or maybe it's just something she can't get. Whatever, it's her thing. A true friend either finds a way to make it work (like not saying the things she says about you 'taking it too far') even if they don't really get it. Sometimes we don't have to get what our friends are about, we just think oh yeah that's their thing, we won't go there, and carry on. Her trying to control you isn't what a friend does no matter how well intentioned her motives are. She should respect what you are saying especially when you are so adamant about it

I'm glad to hear that you are resolved to cut out people who will be tripping you up on path to trueness. You have to.

I think the fact you felt you were being harsh is down to your friend not hearing you and you wanting to make sure she knew not only how important this is but that you don't intend to remain friends with people that will not or cannot understand who you are and who you need to be.

Ball's in her court. You did what you had to. Don't feel bad about it Taylor. Good on you for taking charge of your life. You don't do anyone favours by pretending. It just gets yicky, as you know. :hugs: :love:

[Felix]

Hi Taylor my friend, I hear ya loud and clear sweetie :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: and yes I can see the parallels. I have been down the path of Christianity, brought up as a Catholic, ya know expectations, expectations, guilt, guilt, in huge quantities. Also I went down the path of the born again Christian more of the same. Now some of them were quite fundamentalist and if they had known what was going on in my head they would have cast me out. Ya friend is gonna find this hard because of the indoctrination she will have experienced especially if she has been brought up this way from childhood, she will know no other way of thinking really. Be patient with her sweetie cos she is obviously finding it difficult and she will. For her you are like a child of God and you were born a girl so for her to switch that in her head is mega!! She may never be able to do it but the fact that she still wants you to be her friend is great and a good start. Maybe ya can find some middle ground if ya wanna be friends, give her time and wait till she wants to talk about stuff. I have found this works even if it means patients and a little frustration on ya own part. I leave it all open ended and let Yachica ask things when she is ready I found that tryin to talk when she wasn't ready didn't work but leavin it to her did.
It means a lot what ya said about identifying with me :hugs: Take care Hun
and I hope this has helped. Ya mate always Felix :hugs: xx

[mistunderstood]

I feel for you dude. It hurts when long time friends jump ship over gender issues. I lost all but one of my friends. I have read lots of things on this and learned this is unfortionaly normal. I know that this does not help you out. You do look better in your pictures. This is were it sucks about being trans. It still hurts.
Hang in there and do not stop being you, the real you.

[Alex!]

I am sorry that you are experiencing this difficutly with a person that seems to be struggling between her faith and the loyalty that comes with friendship. I guess the way I would approach this is to look at it from a purely logical way: What is more fundamental to a person, a worldview or a friendship? For most people, including myself, how we perceive the universe and our place in it serves as a bedrock for how we will develop social bonds. If that foundation is weak or has been weakened (by doubt in one's faith, for example), then relationships will ultimately suffer (not always immediately). In this case, her worldview as defined by a particular form of Christianity prevents her from completely understanding your plight. I think to pursue this further; that is, to make sure she accepts you for who you really are, is not likely to work out. I say give her time, and perhaps she will reconcile her faith with your situation. If not, then there are many people out there who will not judge you based on an archaic set of rules. To a person like me, who is an atheist, I accept any and all since my worldview does not group people into acceptable and unacceptable. In particular, I find crossdressers and transgendered to be among the most thoughtful people I've ever come across....

[bi_weird]

Ouch, yeah that's gotta be hard to deal with. I honestly don't know if I should say you're being to hard on her or not hard enough. On one hand, forcing the issue isn't a good idea. On the other hand, the one time I've had someone tell me my orientation (yes I know, not the same, but almost no one knows I'm trans so don't have examples there) was a choice I nearly ended up in tears, and that was just this random Christian on campus, not a close friend. It's really hard to have someone completely miss or deny who you are. Thing is, it's also really hard to have someone make you question fundamentals of your existance. Part of the reason why reactions like this happen is that she knows you, and know's you're a wonderful person who by all rights should be joining her in heaven one day or something like that, and here you are yet again pointing out to her that if she's right you're going to hell. You're making her question what she believes, even if she isn't showing it, and so she's having a hard time accepting you. My only advice is to give her time. It could be that she'll come around and realize that you are a wonderful person, even with your trans-nature, and that just means she doesn't have all the answers yet as to what's right and what's wrong. It could also be that she'll never open up that much. Eventually you'll have to make that choice. Even die-hard Christians can end up open minded though - my best friend lives for Christ and has no problem with my orientation. Good luck with this situation and *BIG HUG!*

[Kate Simmons]

Taylor, you've done nothing wrong my friend. The only thing you are "guilty" of is being yourself. Religion was always a big part of my life. The only problem is, my TG status created a lot of conflicts about it. As long as I played the male role, I was the hero, I was the husband, the father, the head of the house. I was very uncomfortable with that role, especially in view of the fact that my church made it an autocratic role. I've always felt that marriage should be a partnership with each partner sharing responsibilities and having an equal say.

The other thing was that I had a very strong need to express my "softer" feminine feelings and this was not "permitted" by either the church or my family or my friends. It totally sucked that I could not be who I needed to be and express that openly. After years of pretending, I could do so no longer and had to come out. Well, I lost everything but like you say, I cut my losses and moved on and made new friends who accepted me.

It's tough when friends who you thought would always be there for you suddenly turn their back on you and treat you like an outcast and will not talk to you or associate with you any more. It hurts like hell but I had to end up rising above that and I am not a vindictive person, regardless of what they think of me I still love them anyway. Just because they cannot see it doesn't mean I think any less of them and I remember all of the good times we shared together. I haven't changed who I am inside and probably never will. I am still a very spiritual person but now I have to go it alone because I can no longer compromise who I am for the sake of others and I would never dream of asking anyone to do that for me. I can only hope that some day they will all see me for who I really am. Until that day comes, I have my other friends and of course my friends here.:happy:

[Taylor105]

Thank you all for giving me some great advice. Karen tried to call me last night but I just wasn't up to talking so I didn't answer the phone. I honestly think she loves me and I know I love her. She is like a sister. But the one thing that I will not back down on is my gender. And I know to her this is something new being thrust upon her. Hence her thinking I chose it. Because up until recently I didn't go about changing my outside to fit my inside. And I never even told her until I decided to do the changing that I have always known I was a boy inside. So I am sure the shock is something that would be considered normal on her end. I will give it more time. I guess that's all I can do. Let her have her time to let it sink in. But if she continues to try to "change" me then I will probably end up backing away. Thanks again for your advice!!

[mistunderstood]

No problem.

[Taylor105]

Well, she hasn't called me since our last convo. Oh well.

[MJ]

Taylor i am very proud of you, this journey is not an easy one it is hard for friends to understand us how can they ?, our friends don't understand how we feel .. they don't get it. the bottom line is you have to be who you are if that means cutting your losses and move on you must do that or as you said put another way are you going to live for everybody else or for yourself ..
my good friend said this to me when i was on the fence so to speak " if you are a man be a man but if you are a woman then be a woman " just like you i did what i had to do ... and Taylor your the MAN ...:hugs:

[Kimberley]

Hi Taylor,
It is a tough road filled with pot holes isnt it? I understand and can feel for you.

Your friend seems confused over the differences between sex and gender. It is no surprise. Most people (even among ourselves) cant seem to wrap their heads around it. Being TS we have no problem; we just know.

I suspect your friend is looking inward to find some sort of support that she can use to assuage her own fears and insecurities not to mention her core religious beliefs. She probably doesnt understand that religion has nothing to do with this in any way shape or form. Give her time; she will again find her friend. What we cannot do is force others to accept it. They have to do that for themselves and the best we can do is be ourselves. It is the only meaningful gift we can give.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Dasein9]

The others have said all the wise stuff.
So... :hugs:

[Taylor105]

Thanks to one and all. I'm feeling way more at peace today and what is important is that I like me. And I didn't start liking me until I made my outside look like my inside. And to think of going back to the long haired *cringes* girl would most likely make me commit suicide. So anyway, I'm happy for the first time in my life and I intend to stay that way. Thank you all for being my friends.

[Taylor105]

Thanks Ace!! By the way, I love your avatar. I rewatched Stand By Me the other day. great movie!

[Felix]

Hi Taylor my friend I'm so pleased you are at peace with yourself and you know where you are heading :hugs: xx Felix :hugs:

[Dixie]

Hey Taylor, you gotta be you man, how can others love you if you don't love yourself...heard that one right, well it's true and something that others need to understand. You already understand it. It is harsh, but a guys gotta do what a guys gotta do...I know another cliche, but it to is true. I do not want to transition, I like being a guy and a girl so I cannot and will not say "I understand how you feel".. but I will say that I understand that you just want to be free to be YOU,..me too. Good luck my brother.

[Taylor105]

Thanks Dixie that was really nice.


Felix, I wouldn't be where I am right now in the acceptance of myself if not for all the brotheres here who have helped me along. :)

[Felix]

Well my friend that's what we are here for Luv Felix xx :hugs:

[Taylor105]

And I truly do appreciate all of you. Kimberley sent me a link to an awesome article that I sent to three different people in my life. I hope that they see the light after reading it!!!