There is a time for everything . . .

[KatieC]

. . . and a season for every activity under heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

It's been just a little over a month since I found these forums and introduced myself (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55500) to you all. I've been read the forums a lot, posting occasionally, and doing a lot of soul searching. I'm fortunate to have a good friend who I met in the SecondLife online world, a GG who asks me questions that I need to ask myself, but am always too muddled to think up on my own. She's the only one I've come out to about my cross dressing, other than here on these forums.

As much as it can tear me up inside to continue to hide my cross dressing desires from my wife, I still haven't had "the talk" with her. An old posting by Marla GG (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841) recommends preparing for "the talk" and trying to chose a time where my wife isn't unduly burdened by other stresses. Now that I've come to realize and more-or-less accept that my cross dressing desires are not going to go away, and shouldn't be something to be ashamed of, it feels very dishonest not to tell my wife. I want to get past the shame and fear in my emotional baggage and tell her. But, right now is far from a stress free time for us -- we're expecting the birth of our third child (and first daughter) in a month's time. My SecondLife friend recommends waiting until my new daughter is several months old, and my family life resettles from the changes a new baby will bring, before I come out.

My friend is probably wiser than I when it comes to this; I'm not very objective in thinking about it. And waiting gives me that much more time to prepare, to come to better terms with myself, to figure out what it is that I really want and how important (or not) cross dressing is to me.

Everyone's journey is unique, and one of the issues that is part of my journey, is a culture gap. I was raised in a very conservative Christian family. So conservative, that our Church had bylaws against dancing. It's been a real struggle for me to reconcile my religious beliefs with cross dressing. My wife was also raised in a conservative Christian church . . . in Japan, not the much-more-open US of A.

Navigating the gender roles in my culture is hard enough. At least it's more acceptable to be different in the USA. In Japan, social conformity is extremely important. And I'm realizing, that I don't really know/understand what the cultural taboos and gender role assumptions are in Japan. If I'm going to be as prepared as possible for discussing cross dressing with my wife, I really need to understand better where she is coming from.

Does anyone have any resources that I could dig into, regarding the taboos and gender roles in Japan? Especially as they were 20-30 years ago, when my wife was in her formative years? I'm at a bit of a loss as to where to start looking.

- Katie

[sandra-leigh]

In Japan, social conformity is extremely important.

On the other hand, Japan has a history of supporting intensive costume dress ("cosplay"), and of generally supporting obsessions ("otaku"). There is also a history of crossdressing in popular culture; e.g., there are several crossdressing anime characters and it's no big deal.

My Japanese wife accepted fairly readily when she recently found out, and a few weeks later mentioned cosplay and otaku and said that really I'm not strange at all by Japanese standards.

On the other hand, my Japanese wife is not Christian.

How current does your wife stay with Japanese culture? The culture since the mid-80's is much changed since the post WWII era.

[KatieC]

How current does your wife stay with Japanese culture? The culture since the mid-80's is much changed since the post WWII era.

I wouldn't say that she keeps "current" with Japanese culture. In 1987, she came to the US for college, went back to Japan full time from 1991-1994, and back to the US after we were married in the summer of '94. We aren't even able to get any of the Japanese television stations on cable, so other than the occasional magazine or video tape her parents sent over, the only Japanese culture she's able to enjoy since then is pretty much time spent with other Japanese ladies in the area. (We live near Boston; between Harvard, MIT, BC, and a large number of companies sending people over for training, there are alot of Japanese wifes who came along with their husbands for the few years they are in the States.)

So, her cultural views mostly date from the 70s to the mid-80s, and she hasn't really been a witness to evolutions in the Japanese culture since then.

She was never, herself, into anime or manga. She always thought I was a bit strange for liking a lot of anime that she considered "kids/teenager" stuff. :heehee: So I don't know if anime/otaku/cosplay would be a help or a hindrance in coming to understand cross dressing. Hmm, I wonder if the males who play the female roles in the kabuki plays might be a "see, it's not so strange after all" reference point . . .

Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I do tend to do that. It's just that, sometimes I run into unconscious expectations that she has about what a husband should do/act, which don't quite match up with how I was raised to think the husband should act. Not often, but enough that I wonder what other surprises our different cultural upbringings has in store.

I know, the best source of that information is the wonderful lady who said "yes" when I asked her to marry me. Unfortunately, it's kind of a case of not knowing what to ask, because the expectations (on both sides) are so often unconscious.

[Lori SC]

I want to get past the shame and fear in my emotional baggage and tell her. But, right now is far from a stress free time for us -- we're expecting the birth of our third child (and first daughter) in a month's time. My SecondLife friend recommends waiting...

My wife was also raised in a conservative Christian church . . . in Japan, not the much-more-open US of A.

Navigating the gender roles in my culture is hard enough. At least it's more acceptable to be different in the USA. In Japan, social conformity is extremely important. And I'm realizing, that I don't really know/understand what the cultural taboos and gender role assumptions are in Japan. If I'm going to be as prepared as possible for discussing cross dressing with my wife, I really need to understand better where she is coming from.

- Katie

Yes Katie, Listen to your friend. one month before the birth of a baby is not as good a time to tell your wife about your CDing as others. And right after isn't either. Try at least two months after the birth when things settle into a routine, AND your wife gets to looking more like her old self.

A conservative Christian upbringing works against acceptance of CDing, but in your case this may be alleviated by the fact that she DOES have a Japanese background for the 70s & 80s. Your wife still probably thinks of a promary role of hers as following the husband. So although she may not like you CDing (well how many wives really like it anyway?) she may put up with it.

One of the ugliest fears we have when telling a wife about CDing, is the fear of divorce. Again the conservative christian roots and traditional Japaneses culture may help you in this respect. (I think that divorce is not very prevalent in Japan, since that is an embarasment - like loosing face - correct)?

Now, how "modern" is your wife? Maybe she's adopted American values? Is she more liberal than you have us believe in your note? (Which is obviously better for you).

My :2c:

Hugs, Lori