My mom

[Question Mark]

Some interesting things happened with my mom over the last few days.

When she came to help me pack up at college, she found my tie and threw it away (I put it back into one of my bags). She then asked me why I had a tie, and why I wanted to look like a boy. She continued by claiming she was okay with if I wanted to be a boy, but also said that she thought something was seriously wrong with me.

Then yesterday, we went to the grocery store, where an older guy noticed us. My mom was trying to get me to wear my hair behind my ears. When I went into another aisle, the guy said, "Got to wear it like your mom likes it," in a sort of knowing tone. Apparently afterwards he went up to my mom and said something to her, referring to me as her son.

I was very happy to hear this, but my mom was not. She said that she hated my haircut because it made me look like a boy, and that she hated that the guy had called me her son. She emphasized that I wasn't her son, but her daughter, and asked hysterically why I was so set on "being something you're not", why I "couldn't be happy with the way I was". She said that eventually I was going to have to learn to deal with the world like a woman. I had to appease her by putting my hair in a slightly more feminine style.

My mom can be very conservative and rigid when it comes to these things sometimes, and I have no idea why. She's an agnostic. Before, she's always looked at how I dress with a sort of, "Yeah, that's fine, that's okay," of forced tolerance, and now I seem to have upset her completely. What she doesn't seem to get is, this IS how I'm comfortable. This is the most comfortable that I am. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. I've never been someone who does things "to fit in". It may not be "the way things should be" as society defines it, but I'm happy with the way I am and the fact that I am perceived as male. The last thing I want to do is make this a drama, but her reaction makes it that way. I don't think she'll ever really accept this.

[AllieSF]

Hi Mark,

I am not familiar with the details of your situation, so please bare with me.

If you haven't come out to your Mom, I think now may be the time for it. You are at college where you will hopefully lay the groundwork for your future work, income, lifestyle and the rest of the stuff that us oldies but goodies have lived for so many years. Your going to college may be your first real independence from the daily family influence and direct control. Letting her know where and how you are going with your gender preference is only fair for her and most importantly for yourself. Unless there is some other overriding issue like financial reasons, now is the time. If it is not the time, then it apperas that more compromise on your part until you are ready to stand your ground is in order.

If you have already come out to her, the same thing is true. It is important that you continue exert and maintain your independence before you get into the bad habit of always changing for her or other's desires. Some compromise is always acceptable as long as it does not force you into a corner where other emotional issues take over leading to potentially severe problems for you and those around you.

Your Mom may be in conflict on how to deal with her beloved child who in the past has needed support, guidance and sometimes control and now is not only transforming into an adult but an unexpected new persona. She is probably resisting coming to terms with your change and all the implications associated with it. Again, now is the time for open and honest communications to help her through this and help you get to where you want to be sooner rather than later.

Good luck.

[bi_weird]

Is this your first summer home? If it is I just want to warn you that summers home are perpetually hard for everyone. If not then you know what I mean. You've spent all this time making decisions for youself, and now you're Mom's trying to get back in the habit of making them for you, and it leads to some friction, no matter what sort of clothing you're wearing.
I think she's already got some clue, though, which might be part of why she's reacting so strongly. Beyond any problems she has with the idea of trans, she probably has some very real fears for you if this ends up being what's right for you, which adds up to a lot to work through for a mother.
You might try explaining it to her, without some big sort of coming out. Not "Hi Mom, I'm your son", but more like "College is a good time for this sort of stuff and I've been exploring my gender. I know that I'm still young, but right now I'm finding that I'm more comfortable as a guy, and so I'm trying it out for a while to see what I feel like living this way." If your mom is anything like my mom, she'll assume 16-year old angst in anything you say, which translates to "your young and stupid and think you know everything", and I've found that an effective counter is to admit I don't know it all yet, but that this is what seems true so far so I'm going with it. I forget where you are in exploring all of this, but even if you know for certain, it might be easier on her to not sound so sure. Tell her this now, and just continue dressing and acting this way. She'll get somewhat used to it, and then at some point you or she will bring it up and things'll be easier.
Anyway yes, hugs and good luck. Mother's are wonderful people, but basically a little crazy a lot of the time.

[MJ]

your mum does not know or does not get it. i think it's time for total truth between you. you should write a letter and enclose some information regarding female to male and gender identity issues keep it short simple and sweet but talk to her near the end of summer break or it could be a long cool summer Evan frosty

[CaptLex]

I think she's already got some clue, though, which might be part of why she's reacting so strongly.
This is exactly what I was thinking - and I agree with everything else Bi said. On some level, I think she knows that this is not just a phase you'll outgrow and is trying to nip it in the bud, which they all seem to think is possible. This is where things get confrontational sometimes - head to head and somebody will eventually have to back down. Hopefully she will eventually come to see that if she wants you in her life, she'll have to accept you as is. It's not going to be easy because it sounds like she's going to stick to her guns and it may take a while before you can wear her down. Good luck. :hugs:

[Dasein9]

For myself, and I'm quite a bit older, it's getting easier and easier to just deal with it in the way that women in our culture traditionally get what they want -- to say "Yes, Mom" and then do what the heck I want.

If you've agreed with her, then she really hasn't got anything to argue with, you see. And agreement isn't the same as compliance. I agree without complying all the time.

It's also helpful to keep in mind that there's a difference between asking permission and explaining what's happening. Most of us are in the habit of asking our parents' permission, and our parents are in the habit of granting or denying permission. But being trans isn't a matter of permission -- you can't ask for permission to be who you are any more than she can grant or deny that permission.

[Felix]

I like your approach Das and yeah it does come with age lol!! I can't give a lot of advice cos I know I can't come out to my parents but in your case it maybe better sooner than later to talk it through with her xx Felix :hugs:

[Question Mark]

Thanks for the advice, guys. It's good to get some other perspectives on these things. I'll make sure to keep you all posted.