THE talk - Questions

[NIKKI99]

HI,

My dressing is currently a secret from my wife of which I do intend to change in the near future. I have been looking at various threads and have been gathering information about how to approach this. One thing that would be useful is knowing some of the questions that you may be asked so that you are prepared and can answer before they are even asked. I have made a short list here, if anyone has any more to add or any more advice that will be welcome. This list may also be useful for anyone else thinking about telling their partner.

1. Do you want to become a woman
2. Are you gay.
3. How long has this been going on.
4. What clothes do you own.
5. Where do you hide your clothes
6. Does anyone else know about this
7. Have you ever been dressed in public
8. Do you still love me
9. Have you ever worn any of my clothes
10. Have you got any pictures of you dressed, can I see them.
11. Why didn’t you tell me sooner
12. Do you want me to help you stop
13. Have you got an ultimate goal you want to achieve
14. Have you ever worn makeup
15. Do you dress for sexual reasons (does it turn you on)

Also I would be interested in how others started the conversation. Did you just say you have something important to tell her and then continue to tell her the details.

I still don’t know when I will have ‘The Talk’ as it will be very stressful and emotional. I believe the more information I have the closer I will get to that time. I do believe it will happen.

Love Nikki.

[serinalynn]

I think you should talk to your wife about your crossdressing. Keeping it a secret does not help you in the end. My wife and I have talked about and she was begrudgingly accepting of it and she knows that I will not embarres her or us when out together. I will still wear some womens clothing items pantie, bra , top, and pants, knee highs and maybe a cami, garter belt and stockings. She is more accepting now and she often times will tell me there is a sale at either Lane Bryant or Catherines and lets me buy some things
there.

[Karren H]

Add "Where did you buy those clothes?" And. Don't answer what I did... Value City, I'm a frugal shopper.... Reply.... I don't want to hear about it!! Hehe

Ohhhh and don't you go asking the questions and answering them... Let her ask.. You start firing answers to questions that she's not ready to aks and shell get info overload real quick!!

Love Karren

[MJ]

Location: Surrey, England
Nikki. there is something in the water supply , omg i was born in croydon surrey :eek: , well you should let her ask the questions and go at her pace as karren said information over load , could be bad for you take your time but make sure you tell her you love her

[natasha]

I had another one of "The talks" with my wife tonight as a matter of fact. I had an absolutley awful day at work today, to which she knew I needed some space. So anyway I was busy detailing my 66 Chevelle when she came out to talk about things and my cd'ing came up as part of my way to relax. Her only concern was that I was not turning gay. I told her that it was not in the plans, but that I didnt know why dressing was so relaxing other than I just felt so much more comfortable while dressed.

Being open about it has helped me tremendously, and am truly grateful for an understanding wife. I dont know where this road is going to take me but I do know that by being open and honest ultimatley is the best road to take.

[christina marie]

i agree with ShuShu. this is not something you can "prepare" for. it must come from the heart. take the time to let your SO absorb the things you tell her and dont rush her. this is not the time to come screaming out of the closet! you have been keeping a BIG secret and no matter how much she loves you, it will be hard for her, and she will be hurt. trust and honesty issues will come up. this is probably the hardest moment in the life of a CD. tell her gently, reassure her that you love her, and let her set the pace from there. remember, as hard as it is for you, it is just as hard for her. i wish you the best of luck!

[Roxi Loh]

The toughest part is the opening and working up the courage to open it. There is never a great time or place except to say that you need some uninterrupted time to say it. I agree with everyone else...don't over prepare...speak from the heart. I was lucky...my wife dressed me up the first time. She did not know that I had been dressing since puberty. Recently, I had to tell her that I wanted to go out as Roxanne to a tgirl event. I just started and kept going. After I got back I told her everything that happened and that I loved her. It was all good in the end.

[Victoria Anne]

I have to agree with all the other girls,speak from the heart,and be gentle, remember this will first be a shock and then quickly change to a deciet issue for her. She will need your understanding as much as you need hers and please remeber to reassure her of your love for her,this is so important. I wish you all the best of luck.

[Sheri 4242]

1.) I think that you must know the answers to likely questions to be able to speak from your heart, BUT you need to let her take the lead. Don't look at this as preparing a script where you are going to cover every possible aspect and that will be that.

2.) Be prepared to answer the same questions many times! Your wife may need to hear certain things several times, or she may need to hear them expressed in different terms. You may think a certain item has been covered only to have it resurface six weeks later -- or six months later.

3.) Don't overload her with too much -- let her set the pace of the conversation and you try to set the tone.

4.) As has been expressed by others in several different ways, if you fire off the questions and then proceed to lecture her with the answers, you will not be doing yourself any good. I learned a long time ago -- from personal experience and from observing others -- that what we GM's think is analytical and comprehensive talk, is often interpreted by many GGs as a lecture . . . and if that happens, you'll be tuned off PDQ!

[Lady Phoenix]

After youve told her just be quiet and let her set the pace and do the talking, from that point and youll have a good idea what direction to take:doll:

[cindychan]

Watching Ed Wood together then saying "I'm a bit that way". No bad idea, I got nothing:(

[JulieC]

Ohhhh and don't you go asking the questions and answering them... Let her ask.. You start firing answers to questions that she's not ready to aks and shell get info overload real quick!!

Love Karren

What she said!

You've had YEARS to prepare for this. She's had no time to prepare. Even if she is 100% supportive, you can overload her. Take it easy, take it slow, be very very very patient.

[NIKKI99]

Thanks for the replies. You are right that I would have had a lot of time to think about this and I could easily get carried away and give my wife information overload. I am sure that just telling her that I dress up in women's clothes will prompt a lot of questions, I will to some extent let her lead and just tell her anything she wants to know. The one thing I will tell her is that I love her.

Love

Nikki

[Angie G]

One hot day I told my wife it's not fair woman get to wear skirts and men have to wear pants in the hot weather well she got one of her skirts and gave it to me to wear and it went form there then I told her I'd like to wear
pantie that was the hard part thats when it came out about my dressing she had some of the questions on your list and I was forthcoming in answering them she had found some thing I'd left out and was relieved I wasn't having an affair well now I wear it all at home even when she is here we shop together buy thing for Angie so that how I did it :hugs:
Angie
PS go slow I went over some time 2 Years now and still working at it

[Sodapop]

For a long time (years!) I had read all over the internet : "She'll have lots of questions!"

but...

my wife didn't ask a darn thing.

I had to flat out tell her that I'm not gay, I'm never going to be a woman, and I'm never going to let crossdressing ruin our lives.

Perhaps the key element in that is the last one.... Make sure she knows you won't let it ruin her life, your life or your marriage.

Oh, and make sure it's a good time in your marriage. My marriage has had ups and downs, and I made sure that we were in a good spot, relationship-wise before putting it up for discussion.

Since telling her, I always ask her if she minds if I dress up. I always reinforce that I don't want it to be a problem for her. Being considerate of her feelings has worked for me so far.

Telling my wife was the smartest thing I've done in a long time. A huge weight is now gone from my little frilly heart.

Soda

[Josephine 1941]

Hi Nikki,

I would ask you first how old are you an how long have you been married, you look very young. The longer you wait the harder it will be. Also once you start talking about your dressing listen very carefully to her answers an questions. Good luck I hope your wife realy loves you then it will be easier and hopefully it will work out for the both of you.

Josephine

[marie354]

Sit down with her and watch something like "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything... Julie Neumar"
It has 2 well known, good looking male actors, as women. You can judge by her reactions to it as how to approach her.
:hugs:
And... Don't worry about preparing for snappy answers beforehand. Just be yourself and answer honestly.

[sami1952]

My so happen to find my clothes and one night she asked about it and i told that i had always had the urge to crossdress and yes those guestions came up and i just told her the truth about myself.Never regretted having that conversation with her as i don't have to hide anymore.

[O2B Barbara]

MY wife & I both read "My Husband Betty' and it helped with some of those questions. There are other books that may help to clear up the questions out there. I would be honest and take it slow and gentle. You have had a lot of time and thought about your dressing, this is a new one for her.

[aj_gg]

Coming from the SO's POV One thing that has helped me is that my fiancee has let me ask the questions in my own time. If he hadn't let me do that I would never have had the courage to ask more questions and find out what is truly happening between us. Also take your time, she doesn't "have" to know everything at once. Although honesty is the best in times like these, give your wife the time and space she needs. Also I would move "Do you still love me" higher on the list. This was the biggest obstacle I had to overcome.

AJ

[Alice B]

I think your list is excellent. I would give it to her in printed form along with a printed defination of what a cross dresser is. Get this information from researching 'cross dressing" on the web and select the sections that apply to you, put them together as an educational material and then give your wife time to read and digest the information before sitting down to talk. I did this with my wife, who is highly educated and very conservative. The resulting conversation was difficult to approach from my perspective because I was laying myself bare to my wife, but it resulted in an understanding, level of acceptance that she could deal with and in time has opened much more understanding, tollerance and acceptance. Little by little it gets better all the time. Bottom line - Honesty is the best policy.:hugs:

[Rita B]

HI,

My dressing is currently a secret from my wife of which I do intend to change in the near future. I have been looking at various threads and have been gathering information about how to approach this. One thing that would be useful is knowing some of the questions that you may be asked so that you are prepared and can answer before they are even asked. I have made a short list here, if anyone has any more to add or any more advice that will be welcome. This list may also be useful for anyone else thinking about telling their partner.

1. Do you want to become a woman
2. Are you gay.
3. How long has this been going on.
4. What clothes do you own.
5. Where do you hide your clothes
6. Does anyone else know about this
7. Have you ever been dressed in public
8. Do you still love me
9. Have you ever worn any of my clothes
10. Have you got any pictures of you dressed, can I see them.
11. Why didn’t you tell me sooner
12. Do you want me to help you stop
13. Have you got an ultimate goal you want to achieve
14. Have you ever worn makeup
15. Do you dress for sexual reasons (does it turn you on)

Also I would be interested in how others started the conversation. Did you just say you have something important to tell her and then continue to tell her the details.

I still don’t know when I will have ‘The Talk’ as it will be very stressful and emotional. I believe the more information I have the closer I will get to that time. I do believe it will happen.

Love Nikki.I went through a period not long ago when I was very depressed and withdrawn. It was a quite severe depression and my wife desperately wanted to know what was wrong. What an opening for me, and I blew it. Quite honestly, at the time I did not put my finger on the crossdressing as the root cause of my depression. Just before we were married 15 years ago, I happened to mention to her that I done some crossdressing before. The only thing she asked then was if I was still crossdressing and I answered no. Then she made me promise that I would never do it again and I agreed and that was the last time we ever talked about it. She never questioned me about it even out of sheer curiosity.
The only acknowledgement of sorts was that she would ask my opinion on clothes she was about to buy or wear.

So for 15 years I have been in the closet. Late at night after she went to bed , I would surf the TG sites ( not all of them very nice I must admit) but that would not bring any relief. So, yes, I did blow it. She has been on vacation for the past two weeks and will be away another week. Rita has come out of the closet like a crazy woman. I have been shopping putting on makeup,, bought a wig and dressing en femme . It's been so wonderful. I feel alive and vibrant. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring. I must work out a plan too even if it means rolling the dice.

Good luck to you dear heart,:hugs:


Rita from New England

[sandcastle]

Good luck!

I wish I had the guts to do it.

[Chelseaswpa]

I was recently caught dressed by wife and I had many girls come forward to help me. Please try to tell her somehow! It is not easy- definately the most difficult thing I have ever done. I am also gay as well which does not help of course. Just last night we had another talk and she has found a support group with the emphasis placed on gay CD's. She told me that I am her best friend, and she wants me to be happy, I cannot begin to tell you the relief that is going through me today. We will probably divorce, but that is so she can persue her own happiness with a hetero man. I want to have the freedom to do what I want to do as well. keeping my secret inside for 40 years now, made me so unbearable at times, and I am ashamed at the way I treated her at times. I did not do it on purpose, but it was such a strain on me personally that I lashed out at her. I could write a book on the way I feel now- but will not bore you further. Even if you are not gay please find a way to tell her the truth- she trusts you and loves you- you are the same person inside, you just like to dress and feel like a woman. You have to come clean, you will recieve and uplift in spirit that is undescribable. I hope thai helps and if anyone has a similar situation I will be there for you and try to help as best I can. There are a lot of really good people here, and reach out and ask questions. I hope this helps sweetie- hang in there it is not easy in any way. But the truth is very good for your soul. hugs to you Chelsea

[Kathielynne]

It's inevitable. Mine found out accidentally after being married. Wasn't a good scene and I'm pleased to report that after years of professional therapy for my CD'ing, I am now closer to my wife and yet frustrated as hell. It makes a difference if there are small children. So now I find myself reminicing and fantasizing rather than doing. I'm hoping that someday she'll see that I need a release and my prior "hobby" was a lot better and healthier than carousing and substance abuse.

Life is too short to be small (not referring to size here)...

:2c: Kathielynne

[Andi]

Dear Rita, your situation sounds like a carbon copy of mine except my hell has lasted almost 40 years. I really, really wish you luck with the "talk" and pray that something productive comes out of it. Go for it!!