Clearing the Air at Church

[RobertaFermina]

Since I started crossdressing at church a third of the time, I have gotten some ambivalent reactions, and heard of concerns that people were not yet willing to bring directly to me. I was recently requested to address the matter of Roberta and "serving in the pulpit" at our Worship Committee, which I co-chair.

I figured it was time to speak out to the entire fellowship, so I sent the following letter to the Fellowship-Wide Email List.

I expect that there will be lots of reaction when I get to church on Sunday. I'll keep you posted.

I'm Excited about what may happen; joyful that I started this, afraid of what may come of it.

:rose: Roberta :rose:


Dear XXXXX Members and Friends,

Since New Years Eve 2006, I have appeared as "Roberta", dressed in feminine
clothing, and more or less in a persona that may vary from the usual "Bob".

As Roberta, I am seriously exploring a way of being awakened in 2006 during several
personal growth workshops, and at BurningMan (an amazing week-long festival of creativity
and radical free-expression in the Nevada Desert).

Some days I show up as Bob, and on others as Roberta. You may find the presence
of Roberta, or the alternation between Bob and Roberta interesting, confusing, possibly
alarming, amusing, even provocative, or _____(<------your adjective here).

If you have questions, please ask me ! I cannot anticipate all questions, and some
may be inappropriate for a general response. I cannot provide answers in writing
that completely satisfy each question. I can inform you best when you speak to me
directly.

For the meantime, I do have some things I can say to all.

Being Roberta has given me a way of being more free, relaxed and natural with my
playful and feminine side. This freedom and ease persists, when I return to being
"Bob", my usual self. So taking time as Roberta is therapeutic. I learn,
grow, adjust, and change..for the better, I think.

When I participate in fellowship, I may show up as either Bob or Roberta. If I am
wearing Roberta's Name-Tag, I invite you to address me accordingly. I understand
if you choose to address me as Bob at all times.

I expect to continue venturing forth as Roberta whenever I feel "Responsibly
Inspired".

HOWEVER, I do not consider it "Responsible" to show up as Roberta in the
Pulpit. The pulpit has a power that projects me into the deep Psyche of those attending
the Service. Not everyone is likely to be at peace with seeing a masculine fellow
Member and Leader of 9 years "suddenly" recast in feminine form. This
could be psychologically and/or spiritually disturbing. I realize this and have
set a boundary around the pulpit.

As a co-chair of Worship Committee, and member of 4(?) years, I am charged to be
conscious of the potential effect of any element of Service we may present. Roberta
is not a necessary element of my Service, and potentially unsafe for some Members
and Friends - ergo the boundary.

Could this change? Yes!

If I were to decide that I would formalize my identity as Roberta, for instance,
by committing to a 24/7 lifestyle choice, I would process such a transition within
the fellowship in some appropriate way, and apply as Roberta to serve in Worship.
After all, serving in Worship is one of my callings.

Is this likely to ever to happen? No; not as I presently understand myself.

My exploration as Roberta is not a response to a sense that I am "born into
the wrong physical gender" or "no longer wishing to live as a man."
I cannot categorize what my exploration is beyond this: I do meaningful service
among my fellows at here and elsewhere, and have great pleasure and healing from
actualizing Roberta; No less than I do as Bob.

I wish to speak to the fact that we welcome Transgendered Persons in our fellowship.
I have the privilege to "change my stripes" whenever I choose, while Transgendered/Transsexual
persons are committed to living their choices all day, every day. They cannot back
out, I can. I do not speak for Transgendered People, and I do not seek to represent
myself as one. I do find common cause with Transgendered persons, however, as I
encounter many of the same issues and dangers while I am presenting as Roberta.
I find them to be courageous, and inspiring. May my explorations never be held as
cause or example to diminish or mock their struggles, dignity, and inherent worth.

How do I decide when and how to show up as Roberta? I have no simple answer. There
is Mystery in this. Creating a simple answer for your questions, when the truth
is more complex than spoken language would be arbitrarily limiting. Sometimes, I
just don't have clear answers, and the answers may change over time.

I am resolved to be "Free and Responsible", however, and I shall set boundaries
as clearly as I can in the interest of "doing no harm." If you sense harm,
I want to know. I will draw the line at harm. I shall not knowingly cause harm.

If you sense discomfort, I want to know

I ask you to discern between a tolerable discomfort, and one that is genuinely debilitating.
Why? I choose not to impose lasting limitations upon myself due to a transitory
or tolerable discomfort on your part. I challenge you to look at discomfort as an
opportunity to expand your understanding and grow. I offer my support to you in
expressing and addressing your discomfort with me. I cherish my relationship to
you, and wish to stand upright in meeting you in mutual relationship.

If you feel harmed, potential harm, confusion, or merely interest or curiosity,
please take the time to speak to me, share your understanding, wants and needs,
and deepen our mutual relationship.

I will do my best to respond in a way that honors your thoughtfulness, and courage
in making the effort to communicate!

In Love and Service,

Bob XXXXX / Roberta Fermina

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Roberta

I ope the letter you have written is recieved by all you church members in a good way. Oh there will always be a few who will not accept, but you should be admired for even trying

I wish all the best for the future. :hugs:

[Talon DeRojo]

Roberta - Your letter is brave, forthcoming, and articulate. I hope that it is received well. I think that it is good that you acknowledge, without criticism, the negative reactions that others may have. Good luck and please keep us posted as to what happens from here on out.
Talon:happy:

[thea]

Hi Roberta,

I'm glad you can be so open to your congregation, and best wishes for continued welcome in church. If you had included links to resources about transgender addressed by your denomination--if your fellowship is in a denomination that's explored this--it might have helped, so perhaps you could go online, print out denominational resources (I know one prints "Transgender 101" and "Transgender 102" info sheets and even has an office for support of bisexuals, gays, lesbians, and transgender people), and have them available at the after-worship social time.

I also urge you to consider that transgender is an umbrella term that includes you, so don't deny that and set yourself apart from others who explore gender and gender identity.

Please let us know how your congregation receives the news and respects you, and whether your attitude about the pulpit changes.

Yours,

Thea

[Alice Torn]

Roberta, There are many churches that consider cd a sin, would not allow you, or me, to attend that way. I am in one, and must keep it secret. Other than that, I believe what it teaches, and the people are humble people. Only one member knows, and if she spreads it, I will be in trouble, great embarrassment!

[Carin's Wife GG]

you know how I feel about you but this/ Just wow, you have a courage that cannot be adequately expressed with words.

love,


Louise.:love::love::love::love:

[Paula Thomas]

Roberta - I loved your letter. :thumbsup:

[Julie York]

I don't understand.

You state in your letter that you are not TG and so don't have a compulsion to present yourself in a femine guise. You state that you have a choice over the matter, so why have you chosen to make your fellow church-goers feel uncomfortable by dressing in women's clothing when you chose to?

It's the sort of question someone would ask if they were feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing so I think it's a pretty neat question.

[Billijo49504]

Roberta, you have presented your self in a very fair and honest way, I hope it is excepted in the same light. I truely hope they are good christians...BJ

[StephanieH]

:eek: As an evangelical Christian and as one who's very active with the youth ministry in my church, all I can say is... wow.

It's a good thing you live in San Fran, Roberta, down here in Louisiana, I don't care how spiritual you were, something like this would get you deep fried and completely thrown out on your ear!

Said a little prayer for ya', hope all goes well. Remember, God will use you wherever He wants and in whatever fashion He wants (pun intended).

Take care and God bless! :D

[Lazee]

I am sure you have their attention now.

Personally, I would be uncomfortable in my place of worship if a fellow worshiper appeared part time as a crossdresser. Unless you transition completely I feel it is disrupting to the spirtitual quality of the worship. Regardless of your faith, it confuses children and takes away from the worship experience and implies selflessness.

[Lovely Rita]

Roberta, I just want to encourage you and thank you for your thoughtful, gentle and wonderful letter to the congregation. You are a wonderful ambassador for all believers not only the CD Community.

Thank you for sharing those wonderful and inspired words with us.

[RobertaFermina]

Juli, and Lazee,

Thanks for your responses.

Randi,

The good news is I can get imported Louisiana Hot Sausages at the grocery. Blackened CrossDresser will not find its way onto your Menu any time soon, "I gua-ren-teeeee!"



Julie, I do have a compulsion, though it is not overwhelming....yet?. I do not profess a 24/7 Feminine Identity. Sometimes I desire to dress as a woman, and sometimes not. Actually, I presently have an appetite to CD alot more except I want to keep my job, and I want to continue to work in the pulpit, and I want my daughter to live in my home and complete College.

Also, some members of this community are adamant that Crossdressers are NOT Transgender. I choose not to fight that fight. Personally, I think I'm Transgender when I CrossDress....Just not as a blanket statement of Identity. Maybe I'm creating confusion (here?, elsewhere?) by backing away from identification as Transgender?

Lazee,

I am sure you meant "selfishness". I'm sensitive to what you say about children, and yet I have read that children are less affected by it than teenagers and unaccepting adults. I'm counting on my request for feedback to give me the actual facts on this issue. If it is causing a problem, I said I would draw a boundary, and I will: Roberta would leave the church....and probably head to Glide Memorial where she is sure to be appreciated!

Shifting back and forth might be too much for folks to handle. It just might. If so, I would be left with a choice to one/the-other/leave.



Thanks for stepping out of the Chorus with your challenging replies, girls! You are keeping me on my toes!

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[renee99]

I really hope nobody bothers to reply to your letter with Deut 22:5 ... that would just be sad. Albeit typical.

[Cai]

That letter sounds wonderful, and I hope your congregation accepts both Bob and Roberta. One of my biggest fears as a TS is losing the support of my church family, so I'm happy that you can be so open with yours.

[Stephenie S]

Lazee, you are absolutely wrong. Children learn bigotry from their elders, not the other way around. Children are the most accepting of all. Bigotry, prejudice, hatred, all come from scared and insecure adults, hon, not from children.

Church, especially a Christian church should be a wellspring of love and acceptance, not a cesspool of fear and rejection. Read, study and learn the teachings of Jesus Christ, and pay no attention to the rantings of sexually insecure "pastors" who most often have their own agendas to maintain.

Stephenie

[Sheri 4242]

"I also urge you to consider that transgender is an umbrella term that includes you, so don't deny that and set yourself apart from others who explore gender and gender identity." Thea

Your letter is articulate, well-written, and unambigious -- and I wish you the very best results! Given the area in which you live, I think you'll find more of a tolerant attitude "in general," versus what one might expect to find where I live, for example. Of course, there are no guarantees! You don't mention your denomination -- and that might play into this -- after all, their is a big difference between Southern Baptists and Episcopalians. The ONLY "weapon that could be formed against you," as far as I can discern things, is "if" anyone attempts to play the "exposure to our children" card. But, I wouldn't buy into it if such was used against you -- especially since, in your letter, you so carefully lay forth your different personnas that extend beyond mere clothing. Hope all goes well -- it is just MHO that you'll be fine, even if the waters are stirred at first. After all, you said your church was one that welcomes diversity!!!

(And, don't forget, Thea is right -- you are under the same umbrella which your church welcomes and embraces!!!)

[carolinewalker_2000]

You are very brave and honest in your letter Roberta. I hope it will be received in an equally open and fair-minded way.

[Michelia]

Dear Roberta:

I have always looked up to you as an intelligent, sensitive, artistic and beautiful human being. You have not disappointed in this latest enterprise.

If I am not mistaken, you are, like me, a Unitarian. Maybe you assumed people already knew this about you, but this is an important omission. By enlarge Unitarians are a very accepting, educated group of people who are led by reason and keep their faith in a healthy balance with other faiths and science.

Notwithstanding your audience, your letter is courageous, well written, and considerate while at the time challenging members' TG notions - spoken as a true Unitarian!

I have struggled with the same issue at church and I can see no better place for "coming out". It is only fitting that we should be ourselves and challenge others to think about this - more so at church than at any other place other than this site!

I ask for permission to quote or steal some small parts of your letter if it may become necessary to explain my own situation. I just cannot write so well.

I do love your avatar. They just keep getting better and better.

As for the remarks about children, I insist they are way off the mark. I have 7 and 10 year old to prove it. They are remarkably understanding and helpful and even enjoy my CDing. All I am very careful about is to balance it very well with my male persona.

As far as Louisiana is concerned, this is where I live and will remain. You are welcome to visit anytime, and no, you cannot get the fresh andouille or crawfish straight out the pot like here in California! I belong to a small congregation here that you would love. It has a very eclectic mix of people somewhere in the middle of all things Unitarian. I am sure you would be a welcome speaker! (Perhaps not enfemme - but I could work on that for you)

Michelia

[Annette_boy]

Hi Sweetie

Very well put and thought out I admire your courage and pray it does not backfire on you. The flames of Inquisition can suddenly appear in the most unlikely places and the history of Christianity on tolerance is not good.
Please keep us all posted and be ready to run fast.

Love and Prayers
Annette:hugs::hugs:

[AllieSF]

Way to go Roberta! You are so courageous and honest to your fellow churchgowers. Please keep us inormed.

[Sheri 4242]

"As for the remarks about children, I insist they are way off the mark. I have 7 and 10 year old to prove it. They are remarkably understanding and helpful and even enjoy my CDing. All I am very careful about is to balance it very well with my male persona." Michelia

Michelia,

As I think I am the only one who mentioned anything about children in a post on this thread, I presume your comment (above) is about me somehow being way off the mark.

IF you will review what I said, I think you'll find that what I said was absolutely on the mark!!! To be exact, what I said was a caveat that stated, "The ONLY 'weapon that could be formed against you,' as far as I can discern . . . is 'if' anyone attempts to play the 'exposure to our children' card. But, I wouldn't buy into it if such was used against you . . . "

I, too, have children who know about my dressing and who couldn't be more accepting and supportive. I think you obviously misunderstood what I said, or you misquoted me!!!!!!! I stand behind what I stated in this warning, b/c it is a possible "weapon" that could be utilized -- and I stand behind my stance that, if such was used, I wouldn't buy into it!!!

[RobertaFermina]

Yep, I am a Unitarian Universalist!

i am encouraged and grateful for all of the kind words. I take them with me this morning.....

[Stephenie S]

A couple of thoughts here. Unitarians are not "Christians", and usually do not share the rabid transphobia and homophobia of most "Christian" churches. I put "Christian" in quotes because I do not think (no, I KNOW) that the words of Jesus Christ contain nothing but love and acceptance, not hate and rejection. There is FAR, FAR, to much hate, fear, and sexual insecurity in most fundamentalist "Christian" churches to ever truely be associated with Jesus Christ. I would think that a U/U church should be an ideal place to "come out" to ones friends and neighbors

The "It's OK, but don't expose it to my children", ploy is often used by bigots and fearmongers to explain their agendas. A few of us used it in this thread. Don't fall for this. It's smoke and mirrors. Children do not see or care for the differences we adults seem to care so much about.

Here is a perfect example of this. When I was very young (3 to 7), my family lived in a black community. ALL my playmates were black AA. My parents never made any mention of the differences and I had NO awareness untill years later when, as a teenager, I was looking through a photo album and noticed that there were NO white children in any of the pictures. I said, Mom!, why is everyone in the pictures black?" I have NO memories at all of this fact. I have vivid memories of this period, what we played, and when, all the games and adventures we had, but absolutely NO memories that ALL my playmates and neighbors were black.

Until we teach them, children do not hate or fear the differences we all see as adults. This ploy, "Protect the CHILDREN", is a ruse. What people are really saying when they say this is, "Please don't make me think about this in an intelligent manner". So lets not fall for it. And please don't use it here.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Carin's Wife GG]

but some Christians are UUs. As are some Pagans, Buddhists, Hindus etc. All faiths including non faith are welcomed within the UU church. Our UU church here in San Jose had the first lesbian minister I believe in the country leading the San Jose congregation.


Louise.

[Glenda58]

I wish I could stand beside you not behind. For you will need the support of all of us. You are brave to put yourself on the line for what you stand for and believe. I pray that all goes well for you.

[RobertaFermina]

When I wrote the letter, I did not think about the following Sunday. As Saturday passed, and I read all of your responses to my posting, and numerous responses from church members, I realized Sunday would be a very important day.

It has been.

First of all, I picked out a Green Indian (as in hindu) Suit of light cotton pants and dress. The dress is a lovely sage-green background with Gold and Silver Embroidery, add to that a generous scarf of the same fashion to wrap around my neck and drape on my left chest and over my left shoulder. The Gold, Green, and my Blonde Wig were in superb accord. I got LOTS of compliments.

I was greeted in the fellowship hall by numerous friends, acquaintances, and a few who were new to me, each thanking me for my letter, and expressing praise in its clarity.

One child was particularly direct in complimenting my outfit, and then asking me questions about my dressing, showing some disappointment that I did not find it safe to dress during the week at work. "people should accept people for who they are!", she said. My heart was in the sky, and I was so glad to be able to praise the young lady for her directness and courage to speak to me. Later she came over and asked if my ears were pierced and mentioned a shop at Stanford Shopping Center (Claires) where there were tons of earrings! Another GG in my camp!

What I did not receive was one single voice of discomfort or disapproval. I think it will take some time for such voices to come forward, if there are any. Time will tell.

In all, a great weight has been lifted from me. I was cringing a little in previous appearances for fear that there would be negative repurcussions that might surprise me and shame me. Now I know that I have stood up for myself, and any negative, or concerned response is simply information worthy of careful review, or someone else's unresolved discomforts. I have done my part, and initiated the dialogue ..... everything, from my side, is in the light now!

I feel tired (clubbed last night in a dress so tight and cute that "it would not go to bed early!"), and happy, and prepared for whatever may come.

Also, one of the fellows who did not call me Roberta (when dressed) did so when he announced to the fellowship, during the service, that the blinds on one window had been changed by several persons, including myself. It felt good to have my name spoken in connection with an improvement to which I made a key contribution. Roberta is becoming more real when I stand in Choir, help with building improvement, Service planning....what I always did as Bob, but continue to do as Roberta and/or Bob *AND* I am seen or credited as Roberta.

Roberta is Arriving!


Whew!

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Dixie]

I am so glad it was a positive experience today for you Roberta, a BIG :thumbsup: For your courage.
Louise thank you for your words, I have found that as much as people blame christians for NON-acceptance, it comes just as much for all walks of life and belief sytems. I also know that acceptance comes form these same areas as well. Bottom line is it's People who as individuals decide their own degree of acceptance or not, and not just groups or orginizations. All that said, I hope we as CDs will be willing to accept the hand of friendship from whereever it may come, so as to NOT be like those that we berate for their NON-acceptance of us.:D
All my Love and Support Dixie

[windycissy]

Good for you, Roberta! I've gone to church en femme many times, but I only take up space in the pews, have never participated in any ministries....your courage and dignity are inspring, as is the responses from your fellow church-goers.

[Carin's Wife GG]

first things first. i guess *the outfit* was the correct choice. second, you nedd to get more sleep! and most important *my* heart is happy for *your* heart today! Love you!

and I can say quite definitely Roberta HAS already arrived!



Louise.

[Joy Carter]

I worked in that yard all day, and a few times my thoughts were with you and your day at church. I'm so glad (and jealous) of your success in being accepted as you are. I to wish that I could be who I am in my social structure. But it would never work in my life.
Again Roberta, I'm so happy for you.


Joy B Carter :hugs:

[kerrianna]

Roberta,

sorry I didn't get to this thread before, but it was wonderful to hear of your experience. Not surprising, given the articulate compassionate honesty of your letter and given that you are a wonderful, truthful and kind person. I'm sure you are much loved by your fellows, no matter how you present. :hugs::love:

[Stephenie S]

U/Us rock!

[Cai]

That sounds amazing. I'm really glad you had such a positive experience, and I hope it continues to be positive.

I wish more people received such acceptance.

[marie354]

I'm so happy for you Roberta! You've made a giant leap for yourself, and us too.
Maybe I should look for the UU's here.
Thanks, sooo much for sharing.
:hugs:

[thea]

Congratulations, Roberta, on your congregation being so positive about your ownership of crossdressing. Let us know how thing progress--there could be discomfort and confusion when you decide to present as male, as I think people are more accepting of consistency even within change. Your active work makes your fellowship even more special.