Hurt and confused

[Ema1234 GG]

Well first of all let me say hello to everyone. A little bit about myself, I really am a woman (I think you call it a gg - genetic girl on here?) and I personally have no desire to cross dress. I apologise if I use the wrong terms etc but I'm still completely new to all of this.

Ok well I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now, I'm 21 and he's 25. Normally, he's just about as macho as you can get. He works in the construction industry and has a very manly physique.

Quite some time ago he introduced the idea to me of cross dressing, or more specificically pre-op transexuals as something that he found a sexual turn on. I was a little surprised as it was something I had never really thought about myself but I was prepared to give it a go as I am a firm believer in thinking that you'll never know until you've tried it. Ok so that never did anything for me but I went along with it and watched a couple of movies with him.

Looking back I should have seen the next part coming really. He always commented on how he liked the feel of my underwear and stockings on his skin. Ok well I thought that was quite normal, after all they do feel nice! He then wanted to start wearing thongs every so often, starting with ones designed specifically for males but moving on to my more skimpy underwear. In the end he came out with it and told me he did find it a turn on to dress up as a woman but from what I understand only in female underwear, he doesn't go in for wearing any "outwear".

Ok well I was prepared to give this ago as well. I let him wear some of my racier underwear, I even put make up on him but it was all too much for me seeing my very masculine boyfriend like this. I guess what makes it worse is that this is a turn on for him and so when he's like this in the presence of me he wants to, well I don't have to spell it out to you do i? The problem is that it is the biggest possible turn off for me to the point where I am on the verge of tears.

Anyway, it all went away for a bit but then it was brought back up and I decided I'd give it another go. He wanted to dress up properly and have me take some photos of him. Well I did it, I even bought him a cheap wig for the occassion and yes I took those photos for him but my the end was nearly in tears. I just couldn't believe that was my manly boyfriend dressed up in my clothes, wearing my make up...

Anyway, he wanted to have sex after I'd taken the photos and obviously at this point he realised something was wrong and at that point it all came out. I'd tried but just couldn't cope with it.

After that it all went away, or so I thought. Yes he might still wear one of the male thongs occasionally but I can deal with that.

However, yesterday I was tidying up and doing some general chores at his house while he was at work (we don't live together) and I came across a large silver case that was pretty heavy. Well yes I know curiosity killed the cat but I went ahead and opened it and well, I nearly fainted.

There were 3 different wigs (I only bought him one) although they aren't expensive ones, just the really cheap type. Several explicit items (sorry I don't want to go into dxetails on here). A pair of my shoes!!! Several items of my underwear and then even more disturbing is underwear I've never seen before in my life. It's looked rather worn so I want to know where he got it from? There was even some new stuff from Anne Summers in there that clearly wasn't bought for me as it wasn't in my size. There was also a large amount of "she male" porn in there.

I just don't know what to do now. I feel like that by hiding it from me he's made it seedy. I also feel completely betrayed, if it clearly is such a big thing then why hide it from me? Secondly, I'm now questionning whether he wants to be with me or am I missing a vital part of my annatomy that he would really like me to have?

I'm also questionning everything now. As part of his work he sometimes has to go away and stop over for a night in a hotel. Is that really what he's doing or is he up to something else?

I need some advise here as I really don't understand this at all and I'm terrified about bringing it up with him. I should never have looked and yes I know that and I feel terrible about invading his privacy but I can't just pretend this hasn't happened.

Can anyone throw any light on this for me or give me some advice please?

Oh and sorry about this essay I've written!

Thanks XXX

[Shelly Preston]

Wow Thats a lot to try and absorb

First take a deep breath and dont do anything

Take things slowly you need to think about what you want and and will he be able to compromise in any way

He know you were not happy so that why the wigs etc were hidden in the suitcase
Yes it will feel like a betrayal but he would have thought out of sight out of mind

You will both need to sit down and do a lot of talking :hugs:

Please contact me by email if you think I can be of more help to you

[stellatoo]

Hi Raverbabe and welcome to the forum.

I think your experience is not that unusual and probably some of the other gg's here would be able to help you. I suggest you apply to join the gg forum.

As for your boyfriend, from what I read he loves you and understands that you find his dressing a turn off and so he has tried to protect you and your relationship with him by dressing when you're not around. Most of us have done that and most probably still do-my gf knows I dress and was quite supportive at first but not now:sad: but she knows that when I have the house to myself I'll put on some clothes and relax. She always phones to ask me if I need anything when she's on her way home. Its her way of ensuring that she never catches me dressed.

I wont comment on the mags and explicit items except to say we all experiment in some form or another and fantasising doesn't mean making things real later on!

Like I said earlier join the gg forum, talk to the others and then talk to your boyfriend. Pandoras box is open now and you cant put everything back and turn the clock back. Remember though that hope was in Pandora's box as well.
I hope that you and your fella can come through this.

Best of luck

Stella

[MJ]

hi raver

wow thats a lot of reading.. i feel you should take time to read the many posts here ... there are gg that can talk with you , and as Shelly said you "boyfriend" was trying to protect you from the hurt that is why his fem wardrobe is out of sight, and out of mind.. deal

oh welcome to the forum

[Ema1234 GG]

Thank you for your responses. I guess I just don't know what to think right now. The thing that makes me laugh is he stole some of my underwear and a pair of shoes, if he'd just asked I'd have given them to him or bought some for him!

I guess tonight I really do just have to pluck up my courage and tell him I knows what's in the case. Does anyone think I should try and give him the opportunity to tell me first? By that I mean me bringing it up in a round about way etc. Or should I just come out with it and tell him I looked in the case?

Oh and I will try and join the GG forum, but I think I've got to make 10 posts here from what I understood when reading the forum rules. Thanks for the tip!

Thanks everyone :happy:

XXX

[Joy Carter]

Like the others have said, do talk with him. Porn can be addicting and ruin any relationship. The one question is what about you ? What are you willing to take ? If he's not willing to work this out then maybe you ought to think about you.

[MJ]

***Or should I just come out with it and tell him I looked in the case?***
do you want to deal with this right now ? it may only cause more problems..i would say nothing until you can get your head around this issue it will only cause more problems and so on

[Ema1234 GG]

I honestly don't know what I can or can't put up with. I honestly don't think he has any desire to go out dressed up as a woman and I honestly think that perhaps it may be better described as a fetish, as the contents or the case and our past conversations on the matter lead me to think he likes the idea of being and or being with a "she male" as he calls them (once again I apologise for my naviety on the correct terms. I can only go off my very limited understanding) which I think are pre-op transexuals.

Or am I just being a fool and kidding myself? But on the other hand the only clothes I found were underwear items. To be honest I really don't know, as said before i'm just hurt and confused.

I guess I've got a lot of reading and soul searching to do right now.

XXX

[Shelly Preston]

Hi raverbabe

I should have added earlier

I applaud you for at least trying to find out more before making judgments a lot of women dont even try

You are correct on the 10 posts for the GG forum

[MJ]

(once again I apologise for my naviety on the correct terms. I can only go off my very limited understanding) which I think are pre-op transsexuals.

well i am a pre-op transsexuals that means i want the surgery to change my whole body so that i look more like a woman everything !!! .. your man just likes to wear some or all womans cloths ... he loves you so i doubt he will want surgery ...give yourself some time read try to understand a little when you feel you understand more then tell him you know about his stash one thing i can tell you i have never meet anyone who quit cross dressing so he is in for life

[Ema1234 GG]

Well in most cases I am a very open minded person and when this first came up I really did try and be ok with it all.

I guess my real problem is that I am in love with and am attracted to my boyfriend who in my eyes is a male, and a very masculine one at that.

I make no secrets about the fact that I am bi-curious. I've never done anything with a girl, but I do find them attractive. Now if my boyfriend could dress up and actually look like a woman, I'm sure I would have no issues with us experimenting in the bedroom. It's just that he looks like my boyfriend in drag and that is what I have the problem with and that is what upsets me so much.

Well I can only try and understand and hopefully approach the situation in a sensible manner. Who knows, maybe the solution is for me to educate him a bit more on dressing up so he looks more like a woman rather than a man in very very bad drag!

XXX

[Ema1234 GG]

MJ - I think that is what worries me. Can I cope with this forever? Yes he's hidden it from me for now but eventually will he get tired of hiding it? Will this develop into a greater need where he wants to take it outside the "bedroom"?

I have so many questions that I need answering but I think you are right, I need to take the time to do this properly and hopefully we can come to a comprimise in which we are both happy otherwise, if only one of us is happy (whether that's me or him) then what is the point?

XXX

[MJ]

well if you relay want to find out how amazing he / she can look then go for a professional make over .. you kinda seem OK with the dressing somewhat thats good ... give yourself time to understand ... the fact that you are here tells me you are one amazing woman .... he is very lucky :hugs:

you have to find a way to talk to ... not shout but talk softly ask 100s of questions untill you are happy and understand "HIM" trust is so important

[faltenrock]

I recommend not to bring it up now. You are confused, I think most CD will understand that fully. Try to get as many informations in this forum and join the GG forum, I'm sure they can help.

Most of us CD, in my mind, have a fetish or a couple of them., but don't think this is all there is. The case could have alomst been my case as well. My wife also knows, that the case and the content belongs to me and I expect from her to respect my privacy.

My wife knows about my CD since about 12 years now. Since about 3 years she does not really want to talk about it - nor do I. She's seen me dressed up many times, also when we loved eachother.

She is actually not searching for more information to understand, she found a way to live with it. My wife also knows, when I'm away for a few days, I might dress up as a woman - not just the underwear. I really love her, because she doesn't ask any questions.

You should slowly get on with the issue and talk as much as possible without anger. I'm pretty sure, your bf loves you very much.

Wish you the very best

[Sandra]

Hi

First of all you are not on your own. :)

I think you need to get this all out in the open, both of you really need to sit and discuss everything, if not then it's going to eat at you, it's not going to be easy but it needs to be done, your boy friend also needs to know of your fears and worries so don't hold anything back but also make sure you listen to him as well.

Please apply join the GG forum when you have the 10 posts

[Di]

Hon we are here for you:hugs: for now I'd talk to my boyfriend....tell him...be truthful and no hiding from here on out ( they usually hid it most their life for fear of rejection) and that you two can honestly talk and tell each other how you feel.Sounds like you are really trying to understand and sounds like you love him alot. Best Wishes:hugs:
Add like Sandra said...Please apply join the GG forum when you have the 10 posts!!

[Emily Ann Brown]

If somebody has already mentioned this forgive me for duplication....but before you go too far I think you need to know exactly what your fellow wants from the dressing. Some dress for sexual excitement, some for reasons they don't understand, some because we feel we are part female (or more). Personally I wouldn't assume anything, although the ******* porn does tend to point in a specific direction.

I applaud your willingness to try to get information. My ex only wanted to accuse and assume and be rid of the "circus freak".

I'll echo the others suggestion.....get your points and join the GG section. A ton of experience there.


Emily Ann

[Tree GG]

Hi, R'babe & welcome. As Sandra said, you are not alone, hun. I can relate 100% to what you're feeling. "My guy, transgendered - no way!....What's transgendered anyway?" was my initial reaction, too. (Once I started to come out of denial :heehee:)

Anyway, the majority of TG Gurls here are saying keep quiet and deal with your issues, the GG's are saying get it out soon and truthfully. I find that very interesting.

I vote the tell it like it is option. The secrecy, hiding and unknown is really a huge issue for most SO's. I don't know why we seem to be that way, and if it's just GG's that do it, but our imagination immediately takes it to the nth degree and 80% of the time we're imagining things far worse than are really being done.

Now be prepared, your worries, perspective and fears will cause him pain. It really hurt/disappointed my husband terribly when I said I wasn't attracted to him in breast forms and a wig. From your posts you know exactly what I'm saying. Doesn't mean I don't realize "he's" under there or that he's still the same person w/ or w/o them, just it's not my dream fantasy.

To get to the place some of these wonderful GG have, you have to work thru all those little points of contention and find the compromise. One at a time and openly and honestly. Both parties working independently on the same issue, however, can lead to separate conclusions that don't mesh. Talk, talk, talk and never say what the other may want to hear if you don't agree.

This "secret" life has to come out in the light of day before most GG's can accept it. Best of luck to you! :hugs:

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

Welcome to the forum firstly :happy: good to have you with us !! Finding out about it , and dealing with it are two MASSIVE hurdles . Its total shock @ first, & takes some sinking in hun :o i suppose in a some sort of way you feel betrayed, let down alittle , so as so many have said ( wisely) talking together , and trying to understand "both" of yourselfs views with the c/d is a massive start hun :o
It isnt easy , and it is along path to take, but im sure maybe when you have been on here for awhile, read through some posts, it might put a differant perspective on the c/d +?
I hope you come to learn and ask what-ever questions you feel you need to understand here with the forum :hugs:

[Amanda Shaft]

Hi Raverbabe, not that I’m trying to be a sycophant but I applaud your quest for knowledge and I’m sure there will be plenty of people here who can offer you far better advice than I will ever be able to. Your fella is lucky to have someone who is willing to research and attempt to understand the non understandable. Please stay cool, do your research and sit down and have a talk with him without any recrimination and in all honesty: it’s cards on the table stuff, you will both then have a better idea where you stand and what the future holds for you.
Good luck,
Amanda x

[Ema1234 GG]

Thank you everyone for all your support on this. It's so confusing for me right now, and it isn't even a completely new idea to me. I just had no idea that his need to dress up had gone so far. I dread to think what it would have been like if I had come across this with no prior knowledge.

And in response to finding out why he does this, I think it is for sexual gratification from what I can understand. The pornography and sex toys I found certainly point in that direction. However, I can only make assumptions and I have no idea whether it also extends further than this.

I think for myself I need to talk about this to him but I need to pick them time carefully and perhaps wait until the emotions aren't so raw. Right now I can't even think about it, let alone talk about it, without getting really upset and I don't think that's the right way to go, I don't want to make him feel guilty.

I guess the thing that hurts so much is that I feel like I don't even know him anymore, but I can't really know him until I can bring myself to discuss this with him.

Once again, thanks everyone. It's nice to know I'm not alone right now. :hugs:

XXX

[EricaCD]

Hi Raverbabe. Sorry you had to get such a difficult introduction to life with a crossdresser.

You have already gotten a great deal of very good advice here, and I will not repeat it. I agree with the general theme that you two really need to have an open discussion. I would only add one thought: you need to be prepared for the very real possibility that your boyfriend will not have a clear idea himself as to what he desires/fears/expects as a crossdresser.

You are both quite young (says an envious 37 year old), and many CDs only start to develop a healthy self-identity at a later age. Based on your description of his behavior, I would guess that your boyfriend is probably deeply conflicted and on some levels ashamed of his crossdressing. I would also guess that, not having given himself the personal freedom to openly consider his life as a crossdresser, he himself probably cannot fully identify his emotions and his urges.

I want to stress that you should still begin the discussion! Just don't expect a well-considered set of revelations, emotions and expectations - you probably will not get it.

If you are interested in discussing further, feel free to pm me.

Best,
Erica

[Ema1234 GG]

Thank you Erica, I may well take you up on that when I've got a bit more time and perhaps have got over the initial shock and can think of some sensible questions about this.

I also can see where you are coming from when you say he may not know what he wants. Doesn't exactly make it easy for me when I want to know exactly what he wants from this. But perhaps by talking it through with me then maybe together we can learn what he wants from this.

Right now I think I need to go and get my head together before he comes home from work and take it from there. I'm sure I'll know when the time is right to bring it up and I do intend to do this sooner rather than later because it's eating me up inside.

Wish me luck!

XXX

[lindsaycd75]

The imagination can be a wonderful thing. It can also be curse in a case like this, I say the two of you need to get everthing out in the open. Be open and honest with him, tell him that you want the same from him. Ttry and keep it a conversation with out anger and accusations and tell him you want the same from him. If he says he honestly doesent know why he is like this or likes these things ,well he probably does not know why, not many do. honest open communication is about the only way I think you two can work this out. there is going to be anxiety hurt feelings and things like that but if you both are willing to work on it and make compramizes and some sacrafices the it can be done. Notice I said Both, he will have to be part of this cause you wont be able to do it on your own.

[EricaCD]

but if he touches the computer and cams ever again, or does anything to hurt me and hides any more desires or secrets, he knows I will be the 1st at the divorce court and his job will be at major risk.

Out of curiosity, why would his job be at risk? I assume you are implying that you would out him, in which case you are blackmailing your husband. Pure and simple.


In my case yeah his lively hood,
These wounds will always be there, stay storng and ONLY settle with what you can take,.... there are REAL MEN out there for the taking that will be better for both of us...

Both you and Raverbabe are free to leave your relationships, if you determine that crossdressing is completely unacceptable to you. That's a regrettable, but common, outcome in relationships where one person is TS/TG/CD.

But NEVER make the mistake of implying that we are not real men (except for those of us who are transexual, in which case you are absolutely, though inadvertently, correct). I am a real man (and yes, that includes when I wear a skirt). The men on this board who have fought for their country are real men. Then men on this board who deliver your children, deliver your groceries, put out fires, try cases or occupy dull middle-management positions are real men. The men on this board who do their best, day in and day out, to reconcile a mystifying/aggravating/elating drive to crossdress with the ugly realities of personal shame, social taboo and challenging relationships... they - WE - are real men.

PS: Apologies to the rest of the thread...this was absolutely NOT intended to hijack an otherwise important discussion!

[Leah B]

Your boyfried may be interested in crossdressing as more than just a fetish, but not able to admit that to himself yet. For 27 years, it was just a fetish for me, but it stopped being such a turn on for me (it still does turn me on a little) and started to be something more. For me, I think, fetishizing crossdressing was a way to cope with the fact that I sometimes identify more with femininity.

BTW, I'm a pretty masculine guy too. But don't assume your guy can't look fem at all. I was surprised at how fem I looked when I took the right steps. Of course, your guy may be MORE masculine than me.

Also, if you're wondering why he's hiding it from you, it's because he's afraid of your reaction. He may have sensed that what he's done so far in front of you was upsetting him, and decided it was easier to hide it. What's NOT easier is to quit crossdressing. Crossdressing does not long tolerate supression, and it's not something that goes away, ever, for the extreme majority of CDers. If he ever tells you he will stop, even if he believes it, don't believe him.

He's probably not gay. He's looking at ladies with male organs, yes, but is he imagining himself WITH them or imagining himself AS them? Despite stereotypes, the proportion of CDers who are gay is actually lower than in the general population. It makes sense when you consider it: We're imitating what we like. YOur guy is turned on by fem things, so it stands to reason he's turned on by fem people.

Also, seek counseling, both of you. CDing isn't a mental problem, but it sure helps cause probs. And if you plan to stay with this guy (and it sounds like you do) counseling might help you come to terms with it. Also, tell him to get on this board or something. He might be in denial of the full depth of his CDing. I was.

[Miss Petra]

TooProud

It was wrong for your husband to hide this from you & be secretive. I believe it is a form of cheating when we lie to our spouses it breaks the trust we have with our spouses. Now that this part of him is out it is time to heal & move on for the sanity of the marriage.

You threaten he cant touch the computer or the cam or there will be consequences. Both of these devices when used properly are harmeless & are a usefull tool in supporting a new crossdreser just coming out & dealing with the whirlwind of emotions they feel. Just like you coming to this board & reaching out so should they. Communication is the key & setting boundaries that both parties are comfortable with. If he wants to dress more then just panties or stockings let him. If you dont want to see it tell him. Communicate negotiate your needs to each other will get you guys through this. Having either of you repress your needs, emotions or feelings is unhealthy & can cause a lifetime of damage for both of you.

Regarding why we want to be with others like us is not just about sexual its about mostly a social component. The vast majority of crossdressers are heterosexual & Its normal to be with others who share similar interests & make friends. My wife who just had surgery & who I came out to a year ago who is trying to adjust to Petra was very touched by the outpouring of love & support from my network of friends in the CD community who called to see how she & I were doing. They were was more love & concern from this group then our immediate family or our other group of friends. This was a real eye opener for her & it really hit her what a great group of friends I had made.

You also may want to consider couple counseling with a therapsit familiar with crossdressing.


I wish peace & comfort for both of you.

Petra

[AmandaM]

<<I still let him wear panties, and occasional stockings, but if he touches the computer and cams ever again, or does anything to hurt me and hides any more desires or secrets, he knows I will be the 1st at the divorce court and his job will be at major risk.>>

If he "suffers" too much because of this, then I'd say divorce him. A relationship should be by mutual agreement, anything else is kidding yourself. But, if you split, please don't hurt his job. That would be evil.

[suzy]

Raverbabe,

I am sorry that you had to find out that your man was hiding his crossdressing from you. Maybe he knew that it made you too uncomfortable so he was hiding it, out of respect for you and not to hurt you. In reality he hurt you worse, but I'm certain he didn't mean to hurt you.

I suggest an open and honest conversation when you both have the time "without distractions" and without any prejudices. You both need to be open minded and honest. It is evident to me that he wants/needs to explore more and it seems like you are ok with his exploring, to some extent. What upset you was him feeling the need to hide it from you. Believe me, that is a part of crossdressing that has affected many of us here.

We too are often confused as well and find a need to explore and we sometimes feel guilty about it too. When our partner objects or makes it known they don't approve, our desires don't go away....we just have to explore discreetly, even if that means hiding it from the person we love the most.

Anyway, enough justification....the bottom line is to set up a time where you both can have several hours of totally private alone time and then bring up the topic in a nonconfrontational manner and explore your feelings and his openly concerning crossdressing. It is not going to get easier nor better by waiting.:2c:

:hugs: I wish you both the best of luck and I am really proud of you to seek out information before trying to tackle such a difficult issue!:hugs:

Suzy

[marie354]

I agree with the GG's here. You need to get it all out in the open. I did this on the 3rd date with my GF of 6 years now. She accepted it as a part of me right away but didn't want to see it. She is a RN and so has had some psych studies too. I guess that helps her to understand somewhat. Since last November, she has allowed me to dress freely and now I don't have any male clothes. I haven't been out of the house in a dress, but I wear women's jeans & tops when I do.

I'm not saying that you need to be that accepting, but you do need to come to an agreement of some kind that you can both live with. A lot of us have good relationships with our GG's, GF's, SO's or whatever the Reader's Digest term is today, so get it all out.

As mentioned before also, trust is the most important thing in any relationship. Now if he feels that by keeping it hidden from you is helping, you need to tell him that, if not, then tell him that too. My SO would rather me not hide it from her. My softer side is part of what attracted her to me.

I hope you can work it through.
:hugs:

[hotbobbie]

HI, without telling him you looked in his case ask him if he has seen your pair of shoes as you can not find them. Then you can see his response and go from there.

[Dixie Darling]

First, I COMMEND you for seeking out advice and answers to your questions. You're apparently a very WISE woman who has a desire to UNDERSTAND some of this rather than immediately condemn crossdressers.

You might find a lot of serious answers to your questions on my web site. I would suggest that you and your boyfriend sit down and have a look at the material there TOGETHER, and discuss it as you read. It's important that the two of you are completely open in your discussions and honest in asking/answering each other's questions - not only as you discuss the material, but also later on when you discuss the subject. The site is CLEAN so you need not have concerns about seeing anything that would be embarrassing or offensive to you.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Carin's Wife GG]

I can relate very closely to your original post. You have received good advise here. take it.

and to poster who remarked about REAL MEN? I can say my husbamd/wife is a real man and a real woman.


Louise.

[EricaCD]

Endorsement: Dixie's web page (2 links up) was a terrific resource for us.

[Sarah Welch]

Keep your chin up and remember that if YOU are uncomfortable talk about it, dont hide anything like most trans people have done all or most of their lives. I know I regret hiding my true self and feel so much time and happiness has been wasted for no reason other than fear of being rejected. :happy:

[Alex!]

Raverbabe,

I am so sorry that you have been going through this. As a male crossdresser who is, well, quite male 99 percent of the time, I totally understand your angst. I am simply out of my league when it comes to advice in this regard beyond suggesting that you talk about it with your boyfriend. If this lifestyle of his makes you seriously uncomfortable, you both need to discuss it. He will not give it up, that much is certain. On the other hand, a sexual fetish, episodes of crossdressing, etc. do not have to be relationship killers unless they lead to infidelity, which for me is crossing the line.

But I often put myself in the shoes of people like you - would I want my girlfriend to start dressing as a man; that is, in a realistic way (with faux beard cover, mannerisms, etc.)? The answer is definitely NO. I must admit, though, that when in a relationship, I have no real desire to crossdress except in rare instances as an artistic challenge. For me, I can stop crossdressing cold for someone I love. Easy. For most others, this is apparently not the case.

[Kelsy]

Hi Raverbabe,

Quite understandbly a confusing and highly emotionally charged time. I believe that the man you fell in love with has not changed. Only your perception of him! he is who he has always been and you've discovered a deeper part of his personality. There is a book called "My husband Betty" written by a wife of a crossdresser"Hellen Boyd". This book has all kinds of information and deals with this subject in detail. Maybe if you wanted learn a little more and gain some insight it might help you in all of this!

:happy:Jennifer

[juliek]

Hi Raverbabe,

I think you will be better off telling him you found the case and opened it rather than try to lead him down a path to get him to tell you what is in it. He is embarassed enough knowing that you don't really like this side of him, but it is highly unlikely he will stop dressing. He will just get better at hiding it.

I wouldn't be surprised if the reason he got where he is in coming out to you today was because of this forum.

Try not to get angry with him during the discussion or accuse him of cheating you. You call tell him you feel cheated but you cannot blame him for this behavior. He is full exposed now and will be very cautious in his responses to you.

As for "Too Proud":
You are going to be sadly disappointed in the outcome of your plan for your husband. He was probably dressing long before you demanded an open marriage. And then once you were done with the open marriage, you decide you don't like the route he explored.

You are very selfish. I have read every one of your posts today and you need counseling, and I don't mean marriage counseling. You have some issues of your own that have nothing to do with your husband or crossdressing and you should go deal with those before you try to ruin his life.



Good luck, ladies.

Julie

[renee99]

1. Stealing is not ok. This is a big red flag. Unfortunately, you were snooping in his stuff, so it's hard for you to bring it up without incriminating yourself. So don't be accusatory about it or he'll get defensive and maybe lash back. Focus on the stealing as something that needs to stop.
2. Maybe he would like a girl "with something extra", but that doesn't mean he's gay unless he can't do straight sex. It means he likes penetration, either because of the feeling or because of the idea of it. Hetero couples can do penetration in many ways, use your imagination. This is not uncommon among crossdressers. It is also not uncommon to be trans-hetero, where he is turned on by the thought of being either the man or the woman in hetero sex.
3. Maybe it does nothing for you, but humor him, as long as he is concerned and acts on your feelings, relationships are about giving after all, it doesn't have to be a transaction with written terms all the time.

[Kerry Owens]

Ok, Raver you know now that you're not alone, there are other GG's married or SO's of CD'ing partners. We've walked down the same road, and felt the same surprises and what-do-I-do-next feelings. Once you're up to the 10 posts, apply to the GG lounge and you have help.
Tooproud, I disagree. Lawren(my husband) is a crossdresser. So what? He wears panties, silkies and dresses, I don't care. Lawren is still the one man I can turn to, and he understands me, as if he were my soul mate. Lawren does not(and never will) need to regret who he is. I love him.

[MarissaCDinRI]

I'd say if you arent' comfortable with what he's doing, the relationship should probably end. You tried it, and it wasn't for you. But it is for him and it seems to be a rather large interest. Then again, you could talk to him and see if he's willing to tone it down for your sake. You tried it for him, he could certainly try not doing it for you

[MoonBaby GG]

There is a book called "My husband Betty" written by a wife of a crossdresser"Helen Boyd". This book has all kinds of information and deals with this subject in detail. Maybe if you wanted learn a little more and gain some insight it might help you in all of this!



As a genetic female and wife of a CD/TG partner ~ I also highly recommend this book. It helped me understand the topic and come to terms with many internal issues and struggles that otherwise might not have been dealt with or thought of for many months. :thumbsup:

[kerrianna]

I'd say if you arent' comfortable with what he's doing, the relationship should probably end. You tried it, and it wasn't for you. But it is for him and it seems to be a rather large interest. Then again, you could talk to him and see if he's willing to tone it down for your sake. You tried it for him, he could certainly try not doing it for you

Uh, that seems rather abrupt considering they haven't really hashed it out in the open yet. They need to have some pretty tough and honest talks.

Raver, you've had some really great advice here, but in the end this is about you and your partner and what each of you wants in life and in your relationship. Sometimes that's a really hard thing to get too, what with all the changes we make as individuals every day anyway, and with the way we try to make being in partnership work.

Your husband has already brought a lot of stuff into the open (to a point) with you and when probably realized it wasn't going to work the way he wanted so he's gone underground. That's actually a dangerous place for him to be. Underground he can escalate without being able to check in with you on what that does to the relationship. Underground he sneaks around and if he's anything like me he feels ashamed and guilty and it makes him want to escalate further. Underground he can't find out what really motivates him. He is alone.

For you to bring him back into the light with all his secretive stash is going to a painful thing initially for both of you. He needs to know that the reason you are doing it is because you want him to feel that whatever he's about you need to understand. That you are willing to listen and you need him to listen to you. Sometimes those initial fears dissolve when they are expressed and discussed. Sometimes it becomes apparent that they are very real and won't go away with words. The point is, until you BOTH have discussed this in an open and frank way neither of you will know what can work within the relationship and what can't. You can then try setting boundaries and rules you both can openly live by, knowing that those can change as you both progress through life together. It's a lot of bloody work but it sure beats sneaking and hiding and being false...all of which ends badly in most cases.

He's been fortunate you've done as much for him as you have. But because some things didn't work the way he would have liked doesn't mean he has to retreat into a secret life. It wasn't long ago I was pushing my partner to do stuff I knew she didn't want to do and feeling frustrated and angry that she wouldn't 'play' along. Then I found this forum and found a voice and a different way of seeing myself. It took away all of the shame-based impulsive behaviour on my part. I'm not saying it would do the same for your hubby, but it might help him to join sometime too.

I'm glad you found us. You seem determined to work this out so I hope we can help you both. Good luck. :hugs:

[melissacd]

Riverbabe,

First of all I want to applaud your willingness to try and understand this. It takes a lot of courage and openess to confront this sort of thing. In my case my wife (ex) of 25 years could not face it. She felt the same way as you noted, desired the masculine me, revolted by the idea of a feminine me. She also felt betrayed by the fact that I hid it. I had my reasons, which I will not elaborate on here, for hiding it and I accept and respect that her feelings on all of this were her truth and valid for her. After a decade of trying we just never got past that point.

I guess what I am trying to say, is communicate directly and honestly with him about how you feel and what you can accept. Ask him to be as truthful as he can about how he feels and what he wants. Accept that his stated desires will most likely be less than what he will ultimately want and be prepared to negotiate limits going forward in the relationship.

If you find that the answers that you get are not ones that you can accept then as much as you love him, as much as it pains you, you have to understand that there is little chance that the cross dressing part of him will go away and you may have to make some tough choices.

I struggled with this with my wife for a long time until I realized that some people, no matter how much they love you, can never get past certain things and in her case cross dressing was something she could not accept and something that I could not, cannot stop.

I wish you well in your journey.

Huggs
Melissa

[IMkrystal]

A Life style like that should be open and honest no secrets. I'm learning that every day. Secrets may cost people their lives, and do we really wish to take our sexual deviations to that level ? I went to highschool and most of my friends were either gay or liked to cd, the lifestyle and my past friends never made it to my age,.Most cd men want to meet similar, I have found that out.

I would like to thank the many GGs who have shared their feelings about a sexual behavior, that from the number of responses to this post, has finally brought both parties, GGs and Cds, to the table, to openly and candidly discuss this topic. I guess I am not like "most cd men", because I rather meet with GGs who are willing to share their opinions about crossdressing. Hopefully, it will help me better understand myself, and improve my ability to have a meaningful relationship with a GG!

[Ema1234 GG]

I really am overwhelmed by the huge amount of support I have received from everyone on here. It really does mean a lot to me that at a time like this to know that I have people I can turn to. :hugs:


To answer a few points that have been made whilst I have not been online, yes I am very much certain that my boyfriend is attracted to genetic girls and no he doesn't have any problems at all in performing in that way! I guess my worry is that his attraction to pre-op transsexuals could potentially lead to him being unfaithful. To me that, that is just not acceptable and I want to avoid that situation.

I was going to attempt to bring this up last night. Ugly Betty, which we watched together, would probably have provided me with the perfect starting point to the conversation but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. However, I know that I really do have to do this. I need him to be honest with me and we need to work out whether or not we can come to an acceptable compromise in which both of us are happy. It really does upset me that he feels like he has to hide such a big part of his desires.

Do I wish I could change him? Yes of course I do. Will I force him to change? Never. This is a part of him and who am I to tell him what he can and can't do. However, I do feel I have a right to know what makes him tick, however embarrassing it may be for him or potentially upsetting to me. Even if the end solution is that I don't see it, I'd rather know it's going on than not know.

I guess my biggest problem is the sexual side. In a way, I'd probably find it easier to accept if it wasn't a sexual turn on for him. As hard as it would be it would be easier to come to terms with this, as unfortunately I can't change the fact that I'm just not turned on by him dressed like that. But perhaps things have changed? Maybe he's got better at it now. Perhaps we can come to an acceptable compromise in which only certain parts of the clothing are worn. Who know's? I guess I've just got to bite the bullet and talk about this.

We are alone tonight and neither of us have work tomorrow. Perhaps this is the ideal opportunity to bring this up. Let's just hope I've got the balls (yes I can see the irony!) to do it!

Oh and in response to him joining this community, yes I do believe it would be a good idea. Part of me says no I shouldn't tell him about it. Why? Because an extremely selfish part of me says I don't want it to develop any further. But, without guidance who know's where it could go and how much harm it could cause both of us if he doesn't have people to talk to who understand how he is feeling. I think perhaps this forum is something to bring up at a later date. Right now, I don't think he'd appreciate knowing I'd been discussing this with strangers. But it time, perhaps he'll understand how it helped me.

I really cannot thank everyone enough. And to the kind people who have offered me the opportunity to pm them if I need to, thank you very much, it is really appreciated and I'm sure I will take you up on the offer.

Wish me luck when I try again tonight everyone.

XXX


Finally, I want to add a note on here about the comments of Too Proud To Want Less. I briefly saw your first post last night but since then it's disappeared and from what I can understand you have posted other things that have since gone. Yes I am attracted to masculine men, I always have been and always will be. But that doesn't mean that my man isn't a real man. Believe me, I will always defend him.

And yes, I could probably ruin his life by destroying his business if I decided to. He works in the construction industry and this just wouldn't be accepted. But would I do that? Quite simply no, this person trusts me and I love him more than anything. Nothing he could do would make me that malicious. And I perhaps suggest, that no matter how much your husband has hurt you that you need to have a long hard look at yourself and your feelings for him. I am really hurt right now, but rather than look for how I can hurt him i'm more concerned with how I can help him.


Oh yeah, and sorry again for the essay. You'll get used to me, I have a habbit of going on about everything! :tongueout

[TxKimberly]

I don't have the answers but . . .
Someone commented that most TG's are advising you to stay quiet while most GG's (Genetic Girls - born female) are saying that you need to talk to your husband about it. With all respect to the person that made that post it doesn't appear to be correct. I only noted one exception, all others are saying much the same thing "y'all need to be honest and talk about it with each other". Nothing can progress while things are being hidden, avoided, and not talked about.
The porn thing I have absolutely no idea how to help with. While I'm sure there are plenty of TG's that do "read" it, this is not a TG related thing, and is something I never understood personally. I never got the point - your going to do what? Spend your time looking at women with exceptional figures, get all excited (I assume), and then find yourself all alone? I missed something - what was the point?
I suppose the one possible upside for you is that based on the huge industry that serves it, the dozens of different magazines found in any grocery store, it's pretty clear that porn is something a LOT of average, "normal" males ARE into.
RaverBabe, you have already taken a huge step - you found out, didn't run screaming, and are trying to learn. No one in the world could ask more from you then that, and I'm sure I can speak for most of us here when I say "thank you" for that.
Kim (Matt if your more comfortable with that)

[O2B Barbara]

Hi Raverbabe,

I can imagine the step it was for you to write and tell most all here but sometimes that alone will help.

My wife knew from the start that I wore womens underwear, all types, as well as nightwear, again all types. It has always been not only a turn on as well as just feeling like the way I need to dress. My wife is quite understanding and I am very gratefull for that. It is only the last couple of years that I have had any desire to go any further with my dressing. With my wife's help I am learning, slowly, what it takes to be more feminine. While there is a desire to be taken as a woman, it is only with my wife.

The fact that your boyfriend feels the need to hide from you says how much he cares and wants you. If he didn't care he wouldn't hide. If you want to be with him as much as he wants to be with you, it may help you both to read the book "My Husband Betty". There is a lot of information in there. There are also groups that you can turn to for support as well as this forum.

Best wishes,
Barbara

[AmandaM]

<< I guess my worry is that his attraction to pre-op transsexuals could potentially lead to him being unfaithful. >>

I'm attracted to them also, and married, but not doing anything bad. I like gg's better. I'm also attracted to the next door neighbor's wife, but haven't hit on her. Just cause he's attracted, doesn't mean he'll cheat. It's natural for men to be attracted to beautiful women. It's the rare man who won't sneak a peek when a babe in a short skirt walks by. I wouldn't worry too much.

[IMkrystal]

Oh yeah, and sorry again for the essay. You'll get used to me, I have a habbit of going on about everything! :tongueout

Raverbabe do not feel sorry, because I have been a member of this forum for nearly a year and have found it to be lacking in open exchange between "GGs and CDs" It's unfair that GGs have a place, on this forum, to go to privately discuss their feelings, while Cds feelings are open to the public.

[TxKimberly]

Raverbabe do no feel sorry, because I have been a member of this forum for nearly a year and have found it to be lacking in open exchange between "GGs and CDs" It's unfair that GGs have a place, on this forum, to go to privately discuss their feelings, while Cds feelings are open to the public.


Krystal,

There IS a board just for us:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=36

I stumbled on it a few weeks ago.

Kim

[EricaCD]

Hi Raverbabe. Glad you are getting some answers. Don't be shy about long posts - it's very much part of the environment and we all have difficulties with word economy when we are trying to express complex emotions.

Apologies to you for the distraction caused by "TooProud". Based on the fact that "her" entire trail has been deleted, it appears that "she" was found out to be a phony or a lunatic. Sadly, we do get some here. (But not as many as most CD forums!!!) It's just unfortunate when they interrupt a thread as otherwise constructive as this one.

As to the main concern in your most recent e-mail: the fact that your guy may be attracted to TS's does not make him any more or less likely to be unfaithful to you. Many of the CDs here have bisexual or TS-oriented fantasies - but those in committed relationships tend to stay that way. And the general tone of this forum disapproves of relationship infidelity. (With some exceptions, to be sure, but we are about diversity after all... )

As far as when to have the discussion. There is no easy time. Might I suggest that you tell him, tonight, that you know about the case - and that you'd like to give him a chance to gather his thoughts and talk tomorrow evening. I know that at age 25 I would have greatly appreciated some advance warning to do some thinking on my own!

Good luck! And bless you for having such a constructive approach to this issue...

Erica

[CheriTV2006]

Hi Raverbabe, if both of you do eventually open up to each other on these issues you may want to know if he had been cd'ing prior to your four-year relationship. I mention this because, in my own case in my previous 6-year marriage, I had been cd'ing in prior to the marriage but felt no urge to do so during the marriage as I felt preoccupied in the male role model. I realize this is not the present case with many of the married members of this board, however, the question might throw some more light on his state of preoccupation with this on a timeline. Wish you both the best, Cheri.

[kerrianna]

Raverbabe,

Good luck with the talk. You sound like you've got a really good grounding on this and I hope you to can work it out. I agree with you about waiting on telling him about the forum. Trust your instincts. They seem pretty tuned to me.

I hope your partner realizes how lucky he is to have you.

This only works, IMO, when everything is out in the open, as difficult as that can be somedays.

[melissacd]

Riverbabe,

It sounds like you have gotten a lot of great advice that will help you on your journey. Here is an interesting piece of advice for you...two more posts and you can join the GG forum :)

Huggs
Melissa

[Lady Phoenix]

theres been a lot of great advice here so far, id just add one more thing, after youve talked to him about it take him shopping for some female clothes and shoes that youd like to see him in, try them on for him (figure out what his size would be though) get a make up instructional video to help with that. If its done right its somthing you both can have fun with.

[Holly]

Hi Riverbabe. You've been given a lot of good advice so I will not restate it yet again. As you read this forum, you will see that communication is a theme that is repeated over and over again. Any relationship to have a chance of survival must have TWO communicating partners. My wife and I have been married 39 years this year. Trust me when I tell you that we have had larger obstacles to overcome than my transgendered lifestyle. But we have been able to do so because, for the most part, we trust one another with our lives and we are not afraid to share what is on our hearts with one another.

Relationships built on love don't have winners and losers, they have co-equal participants, both eager to place the wellbeing of the other ahead of their own. From my own experience, I can honestly say the more I have given up trying to please myself, the more I have been pleased by my partner. On a logical level it make no sense... then again, no one ever claimed that love is logical.

I hope you can get past the hurt part. I seriously doubt that in was inflicted with intent. I would hope that this was kept from you more because your boyfriend saw the hurt and discomfort it was causing you and he wanted to spare you from that. And maybe that is a good place for you to begin your conversation with him... telling him that you appreciate the fact that he was trying to spare your feelings, but that because it is important to him, that it is important to you as well. And just for the record, your macho, buff, construction worker boyfriend is still the same guy you met and fell in love with. It's just that now you have discovered another side to him that you may find quite interesting as you begin to explore it.

One last thing... you said earlier that you believed that his cross dressing may be a fetish used to enhance sexual satisfaction. That may in fact be the case. But I can tell you from experience, more often than not it will evolve into more of a desire to get in touch with a part of himself that appreciates the more feminine things in life... things like being able to express emotion, enjoy color and texture, the ability to nurture and so many other tools used routinely by women to cope with and enjoy life.

Best wishes to the two of you.

[Sheri 4242]

Raverbabe,

Wow, what a thread! I'm glad you are here and willing to explore, learn, and seek guidance. You say your bf is about as macho as one can get most of the time. That's common! You'd be amazed at the different jobs and walks of life we come from. I don't know if you've heard it expressed this way or not, but a great many of us "heterosexual mtf crossdressers" feel we have a dichotomous personality -- IOW, yes we are men with a masculine side to our psyche, but we also have a deffinite feminine side to our very being; crossdressing is the visible way that we express our femme personna.

You've been given a great deal of advice to "go slow" and to attempt to talk things out, calmly and rationally. That is good advice! One thing I'd add: try and pick times when you both can have heartfelt conversations without interruptions. This will help facillitate positive communication. And, remember this: you aren't going to settle everything in one conversation -- or two, or even a hundred. Some questions wil generate more questions than they will garner answers. So consider your talks as "works in progress." The amount of time you have in this relationship sort of makes it incumbent upon you both to work on this until you know that you know that you know you both have the answers you need and can live with, regardless of whichever way it goes.

From what you've said, it seems pretty obvious that dressing is a turn-on to him -- and, at present, you've got some issues with his dressing. I'm not saying you'll ever change your mind, not that such is impossible. Many of us have numerous stories (personal and from others) of relationships with GGs who have, through education and edification, become quite accepting and encouraging. Some have only reached some level of tolerance. Some can't even get to tolerance, so they either agree to strict boundaries, or they move on. "If" you both put your heart and soul into this, regardless of how it turns out, you'll both know you did your best! (Let me add here that while I say you may or may not find that you'll ever be able to come to terms with his crossdressing, there is one thing you have got to understand: this IS a part of who he is. There are various theories as to what makes a CD a CD, but whatever the reason, he might make all kind of promises to stop, etc., but in the end you have got to realize that this is part of who and what he is -- it isn't like stopping smoking.)

I find it interesting that you, yourself, are, in part, transgendered yourself (you said you made no secret about the fact that you are bi-curious), and that if your bf could actually look like a woman, this would lessen your problems with his CDing. The only suggestion I can make about this is to seek out a professional make-up artist that can teach your bf how to really do it correctly, then see what the results are. There are certain techniques that can really help -- techniques that are not part of the normal GG way of doing make-up! (BTW: Did you mention "cheap" wigs? If I recall correctly you did, and if so, here's just one small hint: if you want the end results to be as realistic as possible, go for the better stuff!!! You get what you pay for!!!)

Your concerns about the she-male porn need to be discussed at length!!! It could be fantasy -- it could be fetish -- it could be an indicator of an extended direction in which he wants to head. You'll find that some heterosexual mtf CDers, in search of some greater or lesser degree of being able to dress, turn to alternative lifestyles. For example, I've known several who, simply to be able to dress in an accepting atmosphere, turned to the realm of bdsm. So, this is one area that I really think you need to get to the truth about.

Well, guess I have gone on for too long, but, that said, I hope you'll find this is constructive and helpful advice. PM me if you ever want -- and do join the GG section here!

Barbara

[Ema1234 GG]

Well everyone, I haven't got the time to write a great deal but I did want to let everyone know that I plucked up the courage and we did have the talk.

Yes he was embarrased and very sorry that I had to find out in this way and he felt very guilty he'd put me through this for the last few days. Am I happy now? Well I'm a lot happier than I was, it's out in the open now and some of my questions have been answered.

To summarise this appears to be a very private part of his life that he wishes to keep that way. He feels ashamed of these urges and despite no matter how much I told him I accept him no matter he appears to still view it as a perversion. Perhaps in time this will change.

It also seems that this is purely a sexual relief and he also said the urges only come to him during times of stress. Exactly what the means I don't think either of us know.

I think we've both got a lot of unanswered questions but we've taken a big step down a difficult road but there's a long way to go. On the plus side I think it's brought us closer together as he feels this shows just how much I love him that I can be so accepting.

Thanks you for your help everyone, it really does and has meant so much to me and really helped in a very difficult and stressful time for me.

I'll be back when I've more time to read more and explore more and perhaps find answers to some of our unanswered questions.

:hugs:

[Dixie]

Raverbabe I can so relate to what he means during times of stress. When I feel stress I put on the dress, it allows me to somewhat step outside of myself for a short while. Some people go and get drunk when they are facing stress, the only problem is is when they are done the stress is still there but now there is a hangover in the mix. When I dress, I get my escape, when I am done yes the stress is still there but I am refreshed and recharged and better able to cope.

[renee99]

He'll come around. Sounds like me when I first tried to get my gf to let me wear sexy things in bed. She refused and insisted that there must be something wrong because normal guys wouldn't do that. Eventually she got it out of my that I was a CD and because of that, I'd like to wear sexy things in bed. I got the lecture about expectations no matter how much I tried to explain that it wasn't an expectation, it was something I couldn't help. So I went back in the closet. At this time I had halfway convinced myself that there was something in fact seriously wrong with me. I didn't do anything girly for months and would get into a bad mood whenever I saw a pretty GG. I think this is where your bf currently is.

How I moved forward from this spot, I tried to "Wean" myself off using the feminine fantasies to get off, and forced myself to read a lot of different kinds of erotica that didn't really interest me to hopefully find something else that turned me on that was more palatable to my gf. Well, the good news is that I found lesbian erotica turned me on. The bad news is that didn't help either because my gf's dislike of crossdressing stems from a sort of internal gay panic. So I ended up back where I started. I was warned that if sex didn't work the relationship might not work out. Apparently she had a previous bf who withheld sex when he wasn't waited on hand and foot. She also thought I was gay and wouldn't admit it to myself. Tried to explain that I wasn't withholding sex, but it was hard to explain when as a culture we are presented with a male image that has an erection by default at all times.

The turning point came when I bought Helen Boyd's book and read the chapter on sex. I felt 100% better after reading it, because I realized that our weird problems weren't so weird given my nature. I gave the book to my gf, which she read and things have been getting better ever since. While MHB helped me get a grip on CD in a relationship context, Alice in Genderland by Richard Novic helped me get a grip on myself as a person, because I could have written most of the internal dialogue and coping mechanisms that he writes about. Novic's marriage is an arrangement that would obviously not work for everyone, but the details of his life aren't as important as the way he developed his opinion about himself as a person given his transgender feelings. So I would recommend that you buy both of those books, and give Alice in Genderland to your bf.

[faltenrock]

Dear Raverbabe,

I'm very glad, that you receive so many answers and replies. I wished this forum would have been around at the time, when I came out to my wife. It would have really helped both of us in understanding and accepting. So you're very lucky in that respect. In this case, the internet can be so wonderful and helpful.

When I was much younger, I tought, I'm sick, wearing skirts and femme clothes. I wished, this would go away, just to be normal. It took so many years to accept the fact, that I'm a CD. It also helps, realizing, that there are so very many others in the world, that share this feminine part of our personality. Being CD is part of us and can not be seperated from the individual.

Yes, during our first talks (with my wife) about this, especially when I came out to her, I was so embarrased - I wished myself on another planet for that moment.

Does my wife understand and accept? No, she doesn't, but at least, she's able to tolerate to a certain point. She still sees it as a kind of perversion, and me being a little out of norm. But what's normal.
Being CD does enrich my life quite a bid.

Does that help me - not really, but I appreciate the freedom she'll give to me,
she rarely asks any questions about my clothes or when I wear them.

I can very much relate to your husband. I think for most CD's, wearing the clothes gives a lot of relief in times of stress and nervousness.

Are we able to answer all questions?? NO! Is there any way to find out why the hell I've a desire to corssdress - no there is no answer. To stay healthy, happy and in balance, we need to accept this part of us.

Do I have an agreement with my wonderful wife?? YES.
A few years ago, we limited the time of my crossdressing to once very other week. Later, my wife told me, she does not want to see me dressed around the house any more - I had to accept.

I think, the more you can tolerate (without lying to yourself and without pain) the more you'll both benefit in your partnership. But that's all up to both of you.

Fell free to PM, besides my CD, I'm a real, natural masculine human being.

BTW, this is important: like many of us, I feel the need to CD in regular periods. Usually I won't do it for a few weeks or months, depending on my stress in life and other things. Going out? I go out once every 3 - 6 months. Six months are a bid long for me. After that, I'm kind of happy and satisfied for a couple of weeks.


Doreen

[Ema1234 GG]

Once again everyone thank you for all your replies on this, it really means a lot to me. :hugs:

I really don't know where we are at the moment with regards to this. Yes he is deeply embarassed about the whole issue and he says he has no desire to take this into his more everyday life and says he has no desire to go outside dressed like this.

He also has said that this is something he doesn't want to continue and I guess I'm worried that he is lying to himself about it. Naturally, he's a fairly hairy bloke, not over the top completely covered in hair but yes he's got a hairy chest etc and he did tell me that whilst he is hairy he doesn't have the urge to dress up as he doesn't feel "sexy" which is quite understandable, women as a general rule don't have body hair like men do!

I guess what concerns me is that he has told me that he doesn't want to continue with this and so intends to not remove his body hair so that he doesn't feel the urge to dress up. Should I go along with this or should I encourage him to explore this part of himself? If I'm honest with myself I probably want him to stop, but I am worried that this will cause more harm than good. He did make it clear that he does not want this to become a part of our relationship and it is something private. Is he perhaps just protecting me as he thinks that this is what I want to hear? I want him to be honest with me but I can't force him to be. I feel this will always be a part of his personality, and while it may disappear for months at a time it will never go away completely.

For myself I am going to get the book My Husband Betty, and although I don't think it relates exactly to our situation I'm sure it will perhaps help me understand more and then in turn may help me help him.

While it is now out in the open, I'm still very confused and he is definately trying to shut me out of this. Whether it is due to embarassment or because he is trying to protect me I don't know. I guess perhaps in time we both may understand more.

In the mean time, I think if I can understand and accept it may be the first step along the road of helping him to come to terms with this.

[Tamera]

Hi raverbabe,

I don't want to seem like I am judging.

But I would take this relationship with some SPECULATION.

Definetely there is more talking necessary.

You need some questions answered!!!!!!! No matter how difficult those questions are.......
LOL
Tamera

[Kelsy]

For myself I am going to get the book My Husband Betty, and although I don't think it relates exactly to our situation I'm sure it will perhaps help me understand more and then in turn may help me help him.

While it is now out in the open, I'm still very confused and he is definately trying to shut me out of this. Whether it is due to embarassment or because he is trying to protect me I don't know. I guess perhaps in time we both may understand more.

In the mean time, I think if I can understand and accept it may be the first step along the road of helping him to come to terms with this.


Hi Raverbabe,

Good choice with the book You will find it helpful. Take it all very slow and be open!! It took me 41 years to finally get to a place of self-acceptance. So many of us have hidden who we are out of fear of rejection that we have built walls of defence that are slow to disolve but with patience and caring they will. It's a process but well worth the struggle!:happy:

:hugs:Jennifer

[Ema1234 GG]

Tamera,

I completely agree that we need to do a lot more talking but I think the problem that we have is that he doesn't understand it or know the answers to the questions that I want answering.

I love him deeply and although I wouldn't say I'm completely accepting, I want to help him through this. My problem is that he doesn't want me to be a part of it. I guess for him it's a very private thing, most likely due to embarassment. If he wanted to dress like this just while we were sat around watching tv etc etc then perhaps it would be easier but right now that's not what he wants.

[Ema1234 GG]

Hi Raverbabe,

Good choice with the book You will find it helpful. Take it all very slow and be open!! It took me 41 years to finally get to a place of self-acceptance. So many of us have hidden who we are out of fear of rejection that we have built walls of defence that are slow to disolve but with patience and caring they will. It's a process but well worth the struggle!:happy:

:hugs:Jennifer


I guess I'm in it for the long haul then!

Right now I think he's in denial and thinks he can make this all go away. I just want to be there for him when he realises it is ok and that it's just part of him.

We've definately got a long way to go and both of us have a lot of unanswered questions but I know that we can get through it together. I think if anything, it has perhaps in a way brought us closer together as it has shown me how much I really do love him and has made him love me even more because I really do love him no matter what.

Strange I know, but I think if we can keep hold of that we can work through it no matter what direction it takes us in. :hugs:

[faltenrock]

Dear Raverbabe,

I agree, it will be necessary for more talking - and it needs time.
He might be very confused as well - and not at all clear about it. It takes a long time.
This is not an eissue to be solved within weeks.

Best wishes

Doreen:hugs:

[Sandra]

I've kept coming back and reading what's been posted and you have had a lot of good advice. I may have missed this it may have already been suggested but do you think he would join this forum? he would get a lot of help and advice and see that he's not alone.

The other thing as has already been said is keep talking, he needs also to understand as much as you do and sometimes it's just as hard for the CDer to understand the whys and what fors as it is for the partner too.

[Ema1234 GG]

Do I think he would join this forum?

I'm not sure but right now I'd say the answer is no. I think he believe he does not have an issue and as far as he's concerned he intends to not CD again. I think until he accepts that this is part of his life he won't see the point in joining. :(

[sugarspice]

hey i have had sort of the same situation aswell, however my partner openly tells me which i can say isnt always a good thing. u need to talk to him and to sit and try to work out what he wants and where he and u relationship is going. its hard we have had many a disagreement but we are still together, things may still come up but that is when u have to re evaluate as ppls ideas and thoughts for the future changes, u never know whats coming around the corner.

[Dixie Darling]

Raverbabe,

I commend you on having the intelligence to research this subject. YOU have apparently realized and accepted something that your husband has yet to admit to himself. You said,
"Right now I think he's in denial and thinks he can make this all go away. I just want to be there for him when he realizes it is ok and that it's just part of him."

The 'problem' (if there is one) seems to be in his OWN acceptance of himself. He hasn't recognized the fact that he didn't just wake up one day and decide he wanted to be a crossdresser. Maybe, he has the mistaken belief that it's a perverted or disgusting behavior and he doesn't know WHAT the reason is behind it that seems to keep driving him. Well guess what. . . . . there aren't any crossdresser's who can tell you what the reason(s) are. There are THEORIES as to what causes this need, but there have been no definitive causes discovered that I'm aware of.

And in connection to your idea that he may be in denial and thinking that he is going to make this need 'go away', you are probably correct in your summation of what he's thinking. Unfortunately for him (if this is what he's thinking), multiple failures loom on the horizon. While it's true that he might be able to PHYSICALLY stop dressing, he WON'T be able to get it out of his mind. This can only lead to internal stresses resulting in less than desirable behavior and possible mental and physical health issues. Self-acceptance will eliminate this and he could actually begin to enjoy his feminine side instead of waging a constant battle against it.

The 'task' ahead of you isn't one of accepting your husband's crossdressing as the part of him that it is - you seem to have accomplished that already. The major goal that faces you now (as well as him) is convincing HIM that he's not abnormal because he has this need. If you can get him to do so, have him access my web site and read these pages: "Why is someone a crossdresser?" and "Theories About Crossdressing". Maybe he will find some degree of comfort from them, and possibly read some of the other material there. Once he realizes that he's not alone in his need to dress enfemme, he's not weird or perverted because he has this need, and he has no reason to feel embarrassed about it with you, you will see a BIG change for the better in his attitude and a more well adjusted and happy person.

Let me know if it seems to help.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Ema1234 GG]

Dixie that's some really good advice there and I appreciate it. :hugs:

He certainly does think it's perverted and when we did talk about it he repeatedly called it a "perversion" that he has. When I have the time I will sit down and read those pages and then suggest that he reads them himself in his own time when I'm not around.

Whilst I have accepted that this is a part of him I don't know how ok with it I would be if he was dress around me again. However, he doesn't seem to feel the need at the moment to do that so I don't think that at the moment that is an issue.

For the time being there isn't an appropriate time and place for us to bring this up whilst we are alone and aren't going to be interrupted so in the mean time I think it's up to me to do some reading and try and find some material that might help him to come to terms with this.

[Michelle 51]

Hi raverbabe,

I don't want to seem like I am judging.

But I would take this relationship with some SPECULATION.

Definetely there is more talking necessary.

You need some questions answered!!!!!!! No matter how difficult those questions are.......
LOL
Tamera

I agree with Tamera.If your friend is a crossdresser you can work on it but if they think they may want to have to have a sex change well you need to know up front before a home,children, etc if your both ready for that.Keeping in mind that as crosdresser's we are not alway's sure what we want.You do need to talk.Good luck and i hope you have a future together. Justabit

[kerrianna]

Hi Raverbabe, it sounds to me like you've done a very good job of carefully picking your way along the stepping stones.

From the sounds of it, because you are both unsure of how much you want to accept this into your lives right now, I'd say the best thing you can do for today is pretty much what you are doing. Finding out more about what CDng means to different people and letting him know that you are there for him and open to talking about it and exploring it together.

That's the main thing. That he does feel free to come to you whenever he feels he needs to. That's something he needs to feel ready for, so he may want to open up it about sometime. For now he's probably dealing with a lot of guilt/shame/embarassment emotions and trying to control things the way he thinks he can. Might work for him, might not.

On his own time, I think if he were to visit this forum he might find that he can have a different view of what he does. I know for myself, being here has dissolved the shame and embarrasment of my CDing and made it a positive part of my life.

Good luck. It does sound like you guys have a pretty good relationship and he is lucky to have a partner who is willing to work through stuff like this together. :hugs:

[bobi jean]

I believe your boy friend loves you a lot. In his attempt to tell you that he is a crossdresser and possibly Bi, he failed miserably to continue conversations with you when he had the opportuities. I am a married crossdresser, married for thirty-five years(same woman) and have been cross-dressing for about 47 years. My wife caught me in a pair of high heels about 15 years ago (on mothersday of all days), we talked for about an hour then decided we had better go on to my brothers for the family mothers day dinner. Over the next bunch of years she has come to tolerate my crossdressing but has not accepted it enough to assist me in any way shape or form.I DO BELIEVE YOU CAN AND WILL learn to accept your boyfriend and his crossdressing so long as that is all there is to it. However will he be able to accept your bi side? I can almost guarantee the answer is no unless you are willing to give him some room to dress once in a while. Just another note(not from personal experience) If you were able to assist him in his attempts to be a woman on occasion, you may find you no longer need the touch and feel of another woman, you have one right next to you already.
GOOD LUCK and AT LEAST GIVE it a try.

[Carin's Wife GG]

first your BF needs to know NOW that CDing is NOT a perversion. However you can get that message to him, get it to him soon. I too am bi and my wonderful CDing husband of 24 years has always been accepting of this side of me. It took me a whole lot longer to accept his CDing! Now I have both worlds to enjoy, my husband and when we are both in the mood, my wife/girlfriend. I just wonder why it took me so long to realize my girlfriend that I spent many years fantasizing about was right there next to me all the time.

I wish both of you the best. It is a wonderful journey if one's heart stays open to the possibilities.



Louise.

[Ema1234 GG]

Bobi,

I think we might have ended up at cross purposes here. Whilst i am bicurious I cannot really consider myself truely bisexual as I have never experienced intamacy with another woman. Do I really want to? I'm not sure. Perhaps it's just a fantasy.

I have given this a try in the past and ended up hurt and extremely confused. If I can get to the point where we are both comfortable in this then I'm sure it would be a fantastic experience for both of us.

Carin's Wife, I envey you and whilst I'm sure it's been a hard place to get to where you are now, I hope that one day we can be in the place that you are with your husband right now!

Kerrianna, I completely agree with you. Right now I think it's important for me not to rush him, but perhaps innitiate these conversations so we can both talk and learn about this together. Without my prompting it is likely that it will be a long long time before he is able to accept this fully and may well cause my hurt and damage in the process.

And Darlene, that's certainly an interesting point that you make about an additonaly tactic, and perhaps in time that may be something that I will be willing to try. Right now it's something I'm not really comfortable with but it time I think I may be able to and if I can I think it may well be a great confidence booster for him to know that I can fully accept his CDing and perhaps help him to accept it for himself.

Thanks Everyone, :hugs:

[Sheri 4242]

Raverbabe I can so relate to what he means during times of stress. When I feel stress I put on the dress, it allows me to somewhat step outside of myself for a short while. Some people go and get drunk when they are facing stress, the only problem is is when they are done the stress is still there but now there is a hangover in the mix. When I dress, I get my escape, when I am done yes the stress is still there but I am refreshed and recharged and better able to cope.

My wife noticed many years ago that when my stress levels were high, my desire to dress was higher. I always underdress -- and I always dress femme for bed. So, what I'm talking about when I say my desire to dress is higher when under increased stress, is that I want to dress more during days and early evenings. IOW: I do dress a great deal of the time anyway, it is just that when I am under increased stress, I want to dress 24/7.

[Country girl]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennifer Keely Smith http://crossdressers.com/forums/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=872977#post872977)
Hi Raverbabe,

Good choice with the book You will find it helpful. Take it all very slow and be open!! It took me 41 years to finally get to a place of self-acceptance. So many of us have hidden who we are out of fear of rejection that we have built walls of defence that are slow to disolve but with patience and caring they will. It's a process but well worth the struggle!:happy:

:hugs:Jennifer



I guess I'm in it for the long haul then!


Strange I know, but I think if we can keep hold of that we can work through it no matter what direction it takes us in. :hugs:

Well let me just jump in here and say good luck to you. I too thought I was in it for the long haul. And unlike you I was accepting of everything from the very beginning. I did everthing in my power to keep a hold of things, him, her, us, the kids, every struggle that came our way. However, after two years, JKS decided that we shouldn't be together any longer. So for whatever reason, I hope it works for you, but trust me, I know from experience, no matter how accepting you end up being, it doesn't always work in the end. So if you can figure it out, well more power to ya. :hugs: CG GG