Biggest Concern?

[Kate Simmons]

It's not my intention to uspset anyone's finer sensibilities or to undermine any agreements with CD's and their SO's when it comes to establishing limits, boundries and agreements as far as CDing is concerned but I cannot help but wonder sometimes just what the biggest concern is if somehow the CDer became "outted" to friends or family?I'm assuming it's been established that transition or dating men is not desired. Most of us readily agree that this does not change who we are as a person inside and are pretty confident of that. Do we feel that the credibility of the CDer may suffer in the eyes of others as far as him being perceived as a man and his ability to function as such? Are we afraid that others may question our character because we stick with such a person with such a strange "quirk"? I'm in no way suggesting boundries and agreements are not necessary and I agree that they are but am just trying to understand. I'm not the sharpest tack in the box sometimes and never claimed to be.

Mostly I'm asking because there is the distinct possibility because of events recently set in motion that my SO and myself could possibly get back together. I realize I will have to discuss this with her when and if this does happen but I'm trying to get some thinking on the rationale. Most of my CD "life" has been alone since she would have absolutely nothing to do with it and I am trying to figure out how to address her potential concerns.

Even though a lot of us are proactive with this and we try to work it out together, society(whoever THAT is) tends to take a dim view of such things and it sometimes stays in the shadows as the family's "dirty little secret". Different families have different problems, however, even "normal" ones. When those problems are sometimes revealed the families seem to survive for the most part when they work things out together. I don't see this as any different really, so I'm just trying to understand just what the biggest fear or concern, "worse case scenerio", as it were is and what to possibly do to assuage that concern. :happy:

[lynn27]

Every family does have quirks and problems. It is all about how you work thru them. It is great that your SO is thinking of joining you. Would it be on your terms or hers?

Your post raised an interesting thought in my mind. How are we going to deal with others as they "find out"? Notice I didn't say if they find out. That needs to be my next discussion with the wife. When do we let others know and how? So far I've just taken it one day at a time and not worried about the future. I am not worried about what people think, but it would be wise if the SO and me talk about contingency plans for dealing dumb questions and such.

Good luck with the SO, hope things work out.:hugs:

[Di]

Well...how to answer this one....."the worse case scenerio" that I hear the most in my s.o. group here is...they will want to be with a man or they continue to hid things. When you talk I'd just flat out ask her concerns. Sending best wishes hope everything works out for you hon.:hugs:

[RobertaFermina]

I am ambitious in my life as a Man.
I fear that all of my ambitions will be dashed as I will fall into the "too wierd" category among so many of my fellow men.
I do not fault men for being "narrow" - it is where many of us are.

My minister said it: "You will lose a lot of your Power when you show up as a woman."

It hasn't happened within my Men's Group yet, though it seems to be happening within my church. Men who previously were in comraderie with me have grown distant. I feel less able to count on them as friends, confidantes and resources.

I have to take steps to reach out to them to verify my perceptions, and, if true, to reverse the estrangement without reversing my practice of CDing.

Whether my fears prove true or not, losing degrees of intimacy with other men, and losing Power as a result is my greatest concern.


:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Karren H]

I assume you are talking about her concerns? Not mine since I have no real concerns.. Ok I do have a concern over the wellfare of my family...

Her concerns are that the friends and family will find out... And she'll be embarased and the kids will be osterrasized.. And we would have to move and that I would loose my job.... That about covers it...

Karren

[Marcie Sexton]

I think that some times we expect to much from our agreements both verbal and emotionally...

I would suspect that you know all to well now that when a difference occurs in a relationship to the point of seperation, all bets are off...It is a natural reaction to inflict hurt by any means...

I know my first marriage taught me that and she knew nothing of my dressing...however she did use all "my" secrets that we had shared as a married couple...

While my current wife is fully supportive of my dressing and helps me in all manners of dressing, I am quite sure she would and could reveal all my secrets...
while May 30 will be out 20th year of marriage, I have and will maintain an "out" if necessary for the sake of my family and child...Emotional hurt is a much more dangerous pain than any physical pain...In closing, I maintain an "out" only as a last resort, but in my world to date we are and will continue to support each other as man and wife and girl friend...

[susie evans]

i think di and karren covered the main concerns:hugs:

susie

[Tree GG]

At this point in time, my biggest concern of him being "outed" is livelihood and the possible repercussions to our teenage daughters. (Small town midwest USA) They will leave home within the next 1-4 years and that concern will diminish. Hopefully we'll live to retire, when the livelihood issue will diminish.

So I guess it just depends on the stage of your life and what is now important. Maybe your wife can tell you her biggest concerns about CDing. I don't think you need to do any homework or prep for the conversation. Be honest and yourself - that should be enough. :happy:

[Sandra]

My biggest concern before my SO came out to everyone was for our daughter, although she new I was still worried what people would say and think of her, I was also concerned about how people would be with Nigella and if being honest how they would be with me. Would friends dis-own us turn nasty with us and would it affect her work but as it turned out I had know need to worry.

[AmandaM]

My biggest concern is that I present the proper male image to my young son so he grows up not thinking about such things! After he's a teenager, then I don't care if he knows.

[Mitch23]

The risks are all there and very real. Rejection by family, friends, neighbourhood, church, workmates, hobbies and interests. Its got to be done though - not a question of if but when they find out. probably lose a few, gain a few, find out who your real friends are. got to be worth it to live an honest life but sometimes i wish it was different - couldn't i be 'normal'

mitch

[Kate Simmons]

I know Mitch but what is "normal" really? It seems for us, this is. Kind of like putting on a pair of socks(even though it may take a bit longer) for other people, no?:happy:

[Stephenie S]

Listen, all of you. LISTEN!

The question is not what to do if they find out. The question is what to do when they find out, because they will, oh yes they will, sooner or later.

To believe anything else is to live in a fantasy world of childish dreams.

Stephenie

[Michelia]

Our biggest concern is that I feel at times the need to be an activist when it comes to CDing. I want people to know it is not so bad. That we are not perverts. That many of the people they know are like me. OK to have their kids around them, etc.

I get many urges to go to my church dressed (I am a Unitarian like Roberta and I am dismayed be the attitude of some of her fellow churchgoers - this a most progressive church that thrives on "inclusiveness").

There are other groups I belong to where I want to make a difference. After all, if we do not push the envelope, no one else will. I feel the need to be useful in changing people's perceptions of us.

Yet, I remain in the closet and shall try to remain there for the sake of my loved ones. My SO and kids are fully supportive, but I must not take chances. It is reconciling these opposing forces that is so difficult for me.

Michelia

[Mitch23]

I know Mitch but what is "normal" really? It seems for us, this is. Kind of like putting on a pair of socks(even though it may take a bit longer) for other people, no?:happy:
Yes I totally agree - that why i put italics round the word. I am normal, for the first time in my life because i know who i am - life is a far, far better place and i relate better to my wife, family, friends, workmates etc. But it will come at a cost ... but the cost is worth paying.

mitch

[battybattybats]

Our biggest concern is that I feel at times the need to be an activist when it comes to CDing...

Yet, I remain in the closet and shall try to remain there for the sake of my loved ones. My SO and kids are fully supportive, but I must not take chances. It is reconciling these opposing forces that is so difficult for me.

Michelia

What harm do you fear would befall your family if you did become an activist? Is there some way you can help create change behind the scenes, an activist by stealth?

[DeeGirl]

My biggest concern is work. I have a pretty high profile position where I work and I know if people found out it would devastate me...
Friends and family I could deal with but the workplace would be tough for me to get over.

Dee

[battybattybats]

My biggest concern If I were outed would be that my GF would kill herself. After that I'm not to sure about how a couple of friends and family would handle it.

[TxKimberly]

My biggest concerns regarding this?
That it may affect my job. This obviously affects my ability to take good care of my family.
Next major concern is that if everyone in the world were to know, my chlldren might be hurt. Some people may be mean to them, not speak to them, and otherwise make them pay a price for what I am.
So I guess they both boil down to "It may hurt my family".
Kim