How to tell my mom or should I?

[MoonBaby GG]

Current mood:http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/sad_sp.gif sad


It's not the first time in my life that I've felt frustrated, anxious or sad that I'm being repressed or censored and not allowed to express my innermost feelings...however it is the first time that it's with my *MOTHER*. This is problematic for me because she isn't just a relative on the fringes of my life, but is a close friend...one of my best in fact. It's nice being able to say that and it took years to get here but now that we are, I don't want to jeopardize it. I don't normally keep secrets from her but it's necessary to have all of the details compartmentalized and squared-away before "troubling" her with the facts. After all, she is still my mom and does worry (like most moms do about their child) and wants me to be happy.

In her mind my life is *golden* and full of promise and she adores my partner, knowing that I have a friend and worthwhile companion to share my life. Actually all of my family likes him and trust me, pleasing one of them is a miracle, much less all of them. I admit it I really lucked out and don't take things for granted, showing my affection whenever it's possible. That and my family won't let me forget how special my partner is also. Hahaha...keeps me on my toes. ';^)

My mom knows me as well as my partner and my closest of friends, so she can tell when something is bothering me or if I'm dealing with weighty matters in my life. She doesn't even have to physically see me or hear my tone of voice...it's like genetic E.S.P. that mom's get when they pop a kid out. I'm not trying to intentionally deceive her or act like there's nothing wrong and I'm honest enough to let her know that I'm working out a personal and *private* issue. As much as she and my other relatives press me for information, I'm not disclosing it, at least not until my partner and I are fine with doing so. We're not there yet and I'm not certain that everyone in my family is either. I just don't know how much longer I can withhold it from my mother though...it's like a dam ready to burst. I should retain it because (love her, really) she's the worst about keeping about keeping secrets and if you want anyone to know what a Christmas present is...tell her...she'll accidentally blabbermouth it.

My family are kind, simple country-folk and they aren't shut-away from reality by any means but I know we've never had anyone "come out" in the family or within our circle of friends. They aren't used to these controversial subjects. While I can't keep them in the dark like mushrooms, I also shouldn't be their "alternative lifestyle" coach or teacher. Then again, if I don't educate them in a unbiased way they might get the wrong information and have additional prejudices or stereotypes in their thinking/head. Ugh...neither way is easy for me. I don't want them to unintentionally say something that might offend or hurt my partner's feelings. I don't want to be the PC Police and safeguard him from things and I don't want to be put in the position of defending him against my family. It's like the sword of Damocles hanging over my head.



(FYI: X-Posted to MHB board for additional advice)

[RebeccaLynne]

MoonBaby, have you inquired of your partner as to their opinion regarding disclosure? Would you feel the need to discuss intimate details of your sex life with your mother? Some things are best kept in confidence between two consenting adults. Once spoken, words cannot be retracted. No harm in not telling.

[Nicole]

I do not think it would be a good idea to raise the issue just yet. I know how hard it is to keep this between us and our limited circle of friends, but please hang in there and remember that my burden is just as heavy as yours. My co-workers, friends, and family are aware that "something" is going on with me, but revealing it now would be a mistake considering how tender our emotions are.

As much as I would LOVE to just "get it over with" and out myself, doing so at this point might cause more harm than good. The key word is "confidence". We need to work out the rest of our feelings and achieve a mutually positive understanding before involving the rest of the family.

[MoonBaby GG]

MoonBaby, have you inquired of your partner as to their opinion regarding disclosure? Would you feel the need to discuss intimate details of your sex life with your mother? Some things are best kept in confidence between two consenting adults. Once spoken, words cannot be retracted. No harm in not telling.

Thank you for your advice.

Although I have no problem with talking about sex with my mother and have done so before, I would never discuss the intimate details of my partner's CD/TG lifestyle *without consent* and hopefully once we are ready to tell my mother and/or family, she will assist me.

[MoonBaby GG]

I do not think it would be a good idea to raise the issue just yet. I know how hard it is to keep this between us and our limited circle of friends, but please hang in there and remember that my burden is just as heavy as yours.

I understand, respect your decision and will abide by it even though the burden of withholding evidence and not confiding an important detail in my life weighs on my mind and conscience. I also realize that what is difficult for me, is ten times worse for you. Raising the issue here and asking for advice does not imply that I would tell my family without your permission and I would hope that we do such a thing *together*...that "unified front" kind of ordeal.
:hugs:

[kerrianna]

I'm not trying to intentionally deceive her or act like there's nothing wrong and I'm honest enough to let her know that I'm working out a personal and *private* issue. As much as she and my other relatives press me for information, I'm not disclosing it, at least not until my partner and I are fine with doing so. We're not there yet and I'm not certain that everyone in my family is either. I just don't know how much longer I can withhold it from my mother though...it's like a dam ready to burst. I should retain it because (love her, really) she's the worst about keeping about keeping secrets and if you want anyone to know what a Christmas present is...tell her...she'll accidentally blabbermouth it.


I'd say from what you've said here that neither you, Karen or your mother (and family) is ready for them to know.

First things first - you and Karen need to have a good mutual understanding of where you're at and what this all means to the both of you (even if you can't say definitively). You should be as close as possible to being on the same page and in agreement. It's the same as everything Karen does...she should make sure you're okay with it too.

I understand the importance to you to include your mother into such an important part of your life, but please do try to take your time. Now that you've hinted, and/or they've sensed, that there's something going on you will be under pressure to tell them so they aren't always in suspense thinking they could be helping you two.

I don't know of a really good way to eventually tell them. In my case I'm trying to drop hints, edge around it a bit, feel out the waters. But I don't have as close a relationship and we have so much other stuff going on that no one is even curious from what I can tell. So the pressure for us isn't there re: telling the family. I can see it is for you.

The only thing I can say is you BOTH have to be onside and ready for it. You are a team. You need to work as one all the time for this to work. Good luck to you both. :hugs::hugs:

[Sandra]

Be very carefull

I told my mother about my SO with her knowing and it didn't go down very well.

First thing that was said was " so theres' no sex" I asked why say that her reply "well he's gay" to which I said "don't be daft".

After trying to explain things to her I knew I was just hitting my head against a brick wall she accused me of being a bad parent for bringing our daughter up in that type of enviroment, so I told her to ask Amy how she felt about her Dad, but even Amy saying didn't make things any better. Mum kept on sniping all the time and at every opportunity but never to Nigella to was always me that got it in the neck, in the end I just refused to talk to her about it.

[Mitch23]

I don't think you have to let it get you down anyway. If you are meant to tell, there will come a point where it will be right and you will know it's right. If you are not meant to tell, then it will be obvious that it not right. just rest in who you are and enjoy your life. if you are as close to your mum as you say you are, then she probably knows anyway - mums are like that!

mitch

[Di]

I understand your wanting to tell your mother since you are very close, it is a joint decision of course since it could forever change how your hubby and his motherinlaw interact. In my case I have not told my sister or my son ( my son because of my daughterinlaw) only because it would just be really bad from there ever after.............my sister is very narrow minded everything is black and white to her. Everyone else in the family knows as do my close friends all with Shers input on the matter and they all embrace her as I knew they would. Best Wishes Di

[Kate Simmons]

I agree that it has to proceed at it's own pace and everything happens in it's own good time. Mom's have the knack of extracting information be it showing concern, natural curiosity or "guilt trips". The problem is, they may not be ready for it as you say. It is tough holding things in sometimes. I was in Intel in the Army in Viet Nam. Don't you think I wanted to tell folks back home what was really going on over there? I couldn't for obvious reasons. Sometimes we just have to grin and bear it and hope for the best. Just rememer the two of you are never alone and sometimes it just helps to get it out and talk with people you can trust, people like us.:happy:

[Eva Diva]

We live in a culture where openness and expressing yourself are constantly praised. Every time a child dies, they rush "counselors" in to get the children to "express their feelings". People tell the most intimate details of their personal lives to national television audiences every day. :Pullhair::spank:


How the hell did this happen?


It's not only OK to have a private life, it is actually a good thing. There is a difference between being truthful, and burdening others with your personal anxiety. Your responsibility to your parent is to make their life as pleasant as possible, not to use them as a therapist. Mature adults know that there is stuff going on in the lives of their loved ones that they are not aware of.

Our parents care for us as children. Then, a time comes when we realize that we have to start caring for our parents. Ask yourself, will this make my mother's life better? Will she be happier? As a child, you expect to be able to burden your parents with your problems. As an adult, you need to suck it up and carry your own burdens, and maybe carry the load for your parents as well.

:2c:

[Holly]

Moon Baby, perhaps all that is necessary at this time is to reassure your mother that you love her, everything is alright and that you are in a period of growth, but it is one of those paths that must be explored solo at least for the time being. Then give her a big hug and thank her for being there for you!

[MoonBaby GG]

The only thing I can say is you BOTH have to be onside and ready for it. You are a team. You need to work as one all the time for this to work. Good luck to you both. :hugs::hugs:


Thanks (*hugs back*) ~ I'm not certain if it will be more difficult telling my partner's mother or mine? Neither one of them can keep a secret. Hahaha/ack.

[MoonBaby GG]

First thing that was said was " so theres' no sex" I asked why say that her reply "well he's gay" to which I said "don't be daft".

I do worry about that...the sensitivity level of it all...but my mom will want to know and I'll have to reassure her. Ugh/blargh. They were so excited I finally married someone loving and fabulous...they might be skeptical and don't want to see my marriage dissolve. :heehee:


The whole thing is like a tidal wave that threatens to drown me and I can't seem to move off the beach and out of its way.

[MoonBaby GG]

It's not only OK to have a private life, it is actually a good thing. There is a difference between being truthful, and burdening others with your personal anxiety. Your responsibility to your parent is to make their life as pleasant as possible, not to use them as a therapist. Mature adults know that there is stuff going on in the lives of their loved ones that they are not aware of.


Thank you for the reply. You make very good points and bring out a necessary "devils advocate" position. I'm not denying the truth of what you say especially how society feels the need to expunge every detail of their private lives on television...which for the record is NOT something I enjoy/watch or would like to do. I'm much too private for that kind of behavior...however my mother is a friend, a cherished one at that.

Considering my partner and I have told our outside close friends and since my mother is in that special realm of *friendship*, wouldn't it be beneficial to NOT LIE to her? I don't wish to transmute my "anxiety" onto her or have her feel any ill will regarding my choices or marriage, but have to wonder how close of friends are we if we DON'T share the trials of life? At that point it's merely an acquaintance and we're doing each other a disservice...which would be a heartbreak.

[MoonBaby GG]

Moon Baby, perhaps all that is necessary at this time is to reassure your mother that you love her, everything is alright and that you are in a period of growth, but it is one of those paths that must be explored solo at least for the time being. Then give her a big hug and thank her for being there for you!


Yeah, you are right. I did tell her something along those lines, but she wasn't satisfied. Hahaha...typical MOM. :rolleyes:
Nicole and I discussed it further this morning and she doesn't feel comfortable divulging it yet...so we'll wait until she is fine and we're both confident it's the right thing to do. Until then ~ *sigh* ~ I lie to most of the people I know in order to protect Nicole, myself and their delicate feelings. It's uncomfortable being in my private world...or is that closet? Hahaha.

I appreciate the comments and advice from everyone.

[MJ]

[QUOTE] It's like the sword of Damocles hanging over my head.


MoonBaby i feel for you . it is so hard for the " gg " it's like when we come out of the closet we shut you in there ... as you now have a secret you have to deal with..
i understand the guilt and fear cd'r have but i feel if you are going to come out then you must to everybody it's just not far to the wives

footnote : - if you have a medical issue and you tell people they like understand ... so we all have a form of " gid " gender identity disorder
why should that be different.. it's not fatal