View Full Version : I feel Uncomfortable...
Isn't the world complicated enough? The world is full of problems of all kinds that have yet to be fixed. Everyone has problems. I have mine too.
I have always wished I was a girl. Transexuals tend to reject me. I'm not one of them, since a transexual, by the general consensus, is a person that has always felt like a girl. Its true, I'm attached to the physical definition of gender. As long as I have male genitalia, I refuse to call myself a girl. I don't see a girl when I look at myself in the mirror, and people don't see a girl when they look at me.
I find the idea of dressing up in female clothes exciting, but disappointing at the same time. Obviously, it can make you feel somewhat like a girl, but it doesn't make you one, its never real enough. That just seems like magical thinking to me, like the people on some forums we won't name, which pretend to be vampires, even though they have all the characteristics of normal humans.
Men in dresses, wearing padded bras, stockings and satin panties, exhibiting behavioral characteristics that could be attributed to girls in their early teens, complimenting each other on their looks all the time. Doing their best to never say anything negative. Is that feminity? Is it just me, or there is alot more than that to being a woman?
I feel uncomfortable. I'm a guy. I wanted to be a girl, and crossdressing, which is surely exciting, also feels a little silly. Does anything make it an enriching life experience? Or is it just a waste of time and money? Is it just another way to live in a dream? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to start a flamewar. I don't mean to offend anyone with my rant, but thats how I feel. If anyone cares for a discussion about feelings for once.
Nikki A.
02-28-2005, 01:06 AM
I do what feels right for me. Dressing up is a release and lets me expess that side of me. Do I pass? NO. Do I care? Not really. I do it for me and that is the only person I need to please. As for you, you must do what is right for you. If it feels silly don't do it or get some counselling to find out what you really want in life
samanthajay
02-28-2005, 01:21 AM
if you feel silly then you feel unconfertable with the way you feel about yourself like your embarassed. its natual cause i and im sure others too, have felt the same. now i dont fell silly. if i want to feel like a woman for a day ill do it i have gone out in drag and not care who see's me cause im not going to hide myself anymore. if you feel this way if you go out then you are not going to the right places. find a place that makes you more confertable andfreindlier.if you a closet cd then i think you need to sit down with yourself and think about what you are doing wrong. counseling might help too. by the way i love your avatar.
Rikki
02-28-2005, 01:48 AM
Nyx,
I think I know how you feel, but not sure. We could never be a complete woman, no matter how much transformation we go through, but we can feel femenine and dress the part and try to pass. They are some very pretty ladies out there whom dress for different reasons. I, myself have been dressing in dresses, skirts and blouses for nearly fifty years, I thought that I was suppose to be a female. I have a sister whom has always thought that she should have been a male. As I got older I realized that I could never be a woman, I could never picture myself with a guy, no matter how I was dressed, the image could never happen. I have learnt to be happy with the body parts that I have, wouldn't want to change that, but I just want to beable to wear a dress when ever I want to, just like a female wants to wear jeans and a shirt, that doesn't mean that they want to be a male, so I don't think we all want to be female. You may feel silly because of the way we were brought up. I know that is why I always felt uncomfortable, but now I don't care. I thought for years that I was a freak because that is what I was called when I got caught. I don't know that this makes any sense, but I am still trying to figure out what has happened to me.
Rikki
Sweet Susan
02-28-2005, 02:02 AM
I dress up for the mental and sexual freedom I get from it. I've never wished I was really a girl. I find the idea of having a sex change appalling, and I would never do that. Even if I did have a sex change, I still wouldn't be a woman. I'd be a guy who had a sex change. Talk about being frustrated! How frustrating would it be to always want to be something and then when you get it done, you are really not there, just kind of there, there enough to fool people who want to be fooled? I'd call that uncomfortable all over the place. Women have periods and babies and talk loudly and giggle all of the time. I don't do any of those things, and I never will.
Dressing up has never been disappointing for me. It is what it is, and it isn't anything else. I'm a guy in frocks. I believe knowing what I am is more than half the battle, and the rest of the battle has yet to be waged.
I am willing to step out there and say that more than 50% of crossdressers would not transition into being a woman if they could. I believe this for several reasons, but I think much of it has to do with sex and sexual motivations, and we'd lose our drive if we lost our motor. I ain't about to give up my motor. Nuh uh. No way. I also believe this because the majority of the people on this site always answer to being heterosexual whenever the multitude of questions come up regarding whether or not they'd have sex with a man. We all know that that particular question gets asked in various forms all of the time. Most of us say, "no way, not me. I'm a man. 100% hetero."
Good topic, Nyx. I wish you luck in finding your comfort zone. There's an old saying, and I don't know where you are from, but here in America I try to live it. I'm off the pot.
Tristen Cox
02-28-2005, 02:03 AM
I have felt possibly the same while looking at myself on a whole. No matter what we do to acheive the appearance we are born with a body clearly built to be and always be male. No amount of surgery can change 'everything'. But it;s a dream many seek to make as real as possible. I may never be able to afford the whole transition, and maybe that's for the better, cause I don't want to start something and get halfway through it only to find I can't complete it. We may never be able to totally trade gender. However I do intend to crossdress as long as I live. If I am comfortable living as a woman and can get the operations accomplished then yes I will do it and finish my life as I should have started, female. Is it all a waste of money? Can you put a price on happiness? Not for me. Being happy is something I will always struggle to find as long as I live, for it is that which motivates me. I don't hate my body, it's just not what I feel I am inside.
Love
Tristen
Priscilla1018
02-28-2005, 10:38 AM
Hi Nyx,
I think we all have to find our own comfort level and direction in life. For myself, I'm a guy who loves to wear lingerie and now that I am out of the closet, I feel free. I know I ca'nt really pass and am not sure if I want to. I do know that I have never felt like a woman trapped in a mans body.I have found my comfort level and enjoy having a dual identity,Priscilla is the artist,the creative one. I do'nt know if any of this helps but I know we want only the best for you.
Love and Hugs,
Priscilla
Amelie
02-28-2005, 02:19 PM
Nyx, first of all, you did offend me, I am truly a Vampire. Lol
I think I understand what you are saying. I feel the same at times, sometimes I don't feel like a woman, no matter how I look or dress. I so desperatly want to be a woman, but then again I must understand that I will never completely become a woman.
From reading these threads, I think that most Cds have a fantasy outlook to dressing, whether the fantasy is sexual or not, dressing is still somewhat of a fantasy. I don't think that many Cds really want to be a woman. Becuse they feel this way, maybe they can handle Cding without worrying that they really aren't women.
I agree with you on Cds here showing photos of themselves wearing bras and panties, then getting good compliments from other members. I don't find this a very fem trait. I know everyone here is being kind and friendly, but I have talked to GGs about this and none of the GGs that I know show each other pics of them in there underwear and expect comments on how they look in their underwear. I find this to be a male-CD fantasy trait.
I know people will tell me there are different levels of Cding. But I will never understand why a man who doesn't want to be a woman will wear breastforms, tuck his naughty bits, add padded hips, pluck eye-brows.
If someone only wants to wear the clothes of the opposite sex, then why do they also try to alter their body shape. If a CD doesn't want to be a woman, then why go to all the bother trying to look like one. I can understand the sexual fetish with dressing like a woman, but I can't understand those who CD just for the fun of it. How is it fun, if it's not sexual? Is it like fishing or hunting, just something that is fun to do.
I am like you Nyx, I go through periods of dissappointment. Where I relize that I won't be a woman and dressing looks kinda silly. I don't purge, I can't afford to purge. I try to have hopes of a better future where I can be who I really want to be. But then reality bites me on the ass and I see that I will never be a woman. I don't know what keeps my hopes up, maybe it's like any kind of dream, where I hope will one day come true.
I dream a lot, maybe this is what keeps me going.
Love Amelie
sherri
02-28-2005, 04:03 PM
Suspension of disbelief — it's something crossdressing has in common with literature, theater and movies. It's a trickier trick for some of us than for others. Ever see a corny or poorly done movie where it's so easy to see through the artifice? Crossdressing can be like that. It helps if you have the basic raw materials to work with, and the better you are at putting together a look, the easier it is to suspend disbelief.
Still, there are times when it just doesn't work no matter what. It's a mood thing mostly. A few weeks ago I went out and had a great night. My new outfit came together well, the makeup went well, and my new wig looked good. Other people were friendly, complimentary, even flirtatious. It was great, and I felt quite the girly girl.
Then last week I went out. I felt kind of flat even when I was getting ready and walking into the club. Just kind of blah. Later, I went to the bathroom, which has a tall mirror, and as I appraised my reflection I had to admit that I looked, well, like shit. I looked like a middle-aged guy in drag. I wanted to throw up. Needless to say, I went home early that night and couldn't wait to take my clothes off and put on a tshirt and a pair of boxers.
I did a lot of thinking that night about what's on the inside and what's on the outside. I had been disgusted with the external, but the internal still felt pretty much the same. But I never have thought in terms of being girl, or boy, or sometimes boy + sometimes girl. It's just me in there.
And "me" obviously needs to lose about 15 pounds, start exercising again, do some work on my brunette wig and quit doing my makeup in my car.
:)
ChristineRenee
02-28-2005, 05:33 PM
Good thread Nyx. As someone who is kind of in that middle ground, I can certainly understand your uncomfortability and frustration. I don't feel that I am a woman trapped in a man's body and yet I do feel very, very internally feminine. But I am a genetic man and I have made peace with my duality certainly about as much as I possibly can. I look at it as a positive thing and not a negative that we are able to embrace our inner femininity. There is certainly nothing wrong with that and it doesn't make you less of a man because of it, and maybe, on many levels, it makes you a better person overall in that you are able to experience the full range of inner feelings and emotions that comprise both sexes.
Society may never see us in a positive way, but that doesn't mean we have to feel that way about ourselves. Forums like this one in particular, give us the opportunity to reach out to each other and share our feelings and emotions and really connect with others who are like or similar minded. It especially is a Godsend for those of us who have done this for the majority of our lives without any support of any kind or forum like this one to help us along the way, and for that I will always be grateful.
Love,
Chrissie:)
Holly
02-28-2005, 10:55 PM
Nyx,
Thank-you for sharing these things with us. We don't pretend to have all the answers, but often just talking these things out helps us come to terms with the things we are going through.
...I have always wished I was a girl... I refuse to call myself a girl. I don't see a girl when I look at myself in the mirror, and people don't see a girl when they look at me.There's a big difference in wishing to be a girl and wishing to be female. What is it that you are really wishing for? And as for what you see in the mirror, maybe you're not looking for the right thing. You must look beyond the surface. Look deep into your eyes and see what you see there. Peer into your soul. What do you see?
I find the idea of dressing up in female clothes exciting, but disappointing at the same time. Obviously, it can make you feel somewhat like a girl, but it doesn't make you one, its never real enough...Nyx, you're absolutely right. Dressing up in female clothing will no more make you female than dressing up in firefighter gear will make you a firefighter. It's that which is inside that will determine what we are. As crossdressers, what we wear often sets to stage for us to become that which we long to be. There is no magic in the clothing we wear, the magic comes from within. And just as a firefighter finds safety in the clothing he/she wears, we find safety in the clothing we wear. How? For me, when the feminine thoughts, emotions, and feelings become pronounced, it's comforting to see a feminine image because society tells me that it's "unmanly" to feel these things.
Men in dresses, wearing padded bras, stockings and satin panties, exhibiting behavioral characteristics that could be attributed to girls in their early teens, complimenting each other on their looks all the time. Doing their best to never say anything negative. Is that feminity? Is it just me, or there is alot more than that to being a woman?I believe there is a lot more to femininity that what you describe. Our GG role models do many of the things you mention... but they do more. They nuture, encourage, support, feel with their hearts, and give to others with little or no thought to themselves. When's the last time a guy sat and listened as you poured out your innermost feelings for hours at a time? Girls do it all the time. Sometimes they even set a day apart just to take care of the needs of those they care about. Heck, they'll make an event out of it... lunch and shopping... just spending time with one another, helping each other feel better.
I feel uncomfortable. I'm a guy. I wanted to be a girl, and crossdressing, which is surely exciting, also feels a little silly. Does anything make it an enriching life experience? Or is it just a waste of time and money? Is it just another way to live in a dream? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to start a flamewar. I don't mean to offend anyone with my rant, but thats how I feel. If anyone cares for a discussion about feelings for once.You've asked a lot of questions here and only you will be able to answer most of them. Does anything make CDing an enriching experience? For me, absolutely YES! Wearing pretty things makes me feel pretty inside and out. feeling pretty isn't typically a male trait. But I like feeling pretty. And not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. For me, this is not a dream, it's my reality. I choose to live this, to be this.
Anyway Nyx, that's how I feel. And I'm certainly not the least bit shy about talking about feelings. I hope you can come to grips with some of the things you're feeling now, too. Would live to talk more. Feel free to PM me, if you'ld like to.
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