Breaking out of a shell-- NOT

[Maggie Kay]

I really have a full plate of issues lately. Amongst them is my gender identity again. I have been discussing this with my wife and it is so hard to come to a place of peace. We talked about my dressing habits and how people perceive me in public. I wear women's clothes and yet am not trying to pass. I do need to wear a bra due to my breast development. She says my bras are push up bras since the are underwire styles. She has always been embarrassed about her breasts and has disliked men looking at them. She has minimizer bras and clothes that hide them. For me, I don't mind a little breast bulge showing. It is a sign of my womanhood. Still, I don't want to be lewd or radical. I too wear big shirts as a jackets to cover them. Of course, no normal male dresses this way and I do get reactions. She says I should consider dressing as a male in public and think of it as a costume. The idea is to dress in femme only in the house. Well, I can't do that. I have a female identity and it is demanding more and more to be dominant in my expression. Someday, I most likely will take the final steps and present as a woman. She says she still cannot handle that. OK, I am in this proverbial egg and growing. Soon, I will have to break out. Yet I am 56 and have a life and history that cannot be forgotten. I'm not going to just pop out a newborn. I don't want a new mate nor even a new sex partner. All I want is to be able to express myself as I am inside. With all this external pressure, that proverbial shell will not break. The conflict is so distressing that I go to sleep every night wondering and often hoping that it is my last.

[Felix]

Kay I really feel for you Hun :hugs: It must be so difficult when ya wanna express ya self fully and feel that ya can't. I am very lucky cos Yachica has been fully supportive. My big worries are the children especially my teenage son who is going through a not coming to visit me stage :eek: He has never said out right that he is uncomfortable with his mum being a tom boy but ya never know what with him bein a teen.
Kay I don't know what to say about your frustration levels as I have never gone to bed and had such thoughts. I have gone to bed and thought my head might explode with all the rubbish inside it. Hun all I can say is try to take the positives even if they are small. It's obviously a big step for her to go out in public with you totally dressed as your female self. For you ya feel time is slipping away. I dunno does ya SO realize that you feel like this? If she did she may understand your urgency. I hope ya can sort things out Hun xx Felix :hugs:

[MistressWickedness]

Hon,
I'm so sorry you are going through this but I do understand, when I was in the Air Force I was living enfemme at my house in Italy, my girlfriend at the time tried to be understanding but was not happy that I was getting out to persue the sex change and returning to the US. (and yes before you all ask the Air Force did find out I was TG 2 years before I got out, I think they overlooked it due to the various jobs I was assigned to because their only response was "are you gay?" no, "ok just dont show up to work in a dress" I know I couldnt believe it either lol.) anyways I've always told TG friends that if they plan on transitioning to think that their mate would stay with them would be an unrealistic expectation, not that it cant happen but its rare.
As to children, I've had full custody of my son since day one so I put my transition on hold, and when he was 5 and I was sure he was well grounded into his own identity and gender we talked about it, I explained that TG's have a difference in their brain and that I just couldnt be daddy no more(at that time I still didnt know I'd been born Hermaphrodite, my mother had done a pretty good job at hiding it, although the Dr.s in the Air Force suspected it, they didnt have the right equipement to test me in Europe), anyway he asked if I could show him pictures on the computer of what was different in the brain, which I did, and he went to just about all my Dr apt with me we were totaly open about everything, 7 months later he came to me one night and said "daddy can we talk?" yes you know we can always talk about anything. "well can I not call you daddy anymore cuz you just dont look like a daddy?" yes hon I told you this day would come, what do you feel comfortable calling me? "well can I call you mommy, cuz your more of a mommy then my real mom ever was?" OMG you know I nearly broke down and cried right then, I barely held it in till he went back to bed lol ,, but I feel sorry for those who wait till their kids are older, because many times in their own denial they tend to teach their kids unacceptance of alternative life styles because they are afraid if they are too accepting it might give them away. and in this I'm truly sorry for these people because theyve dug their own hole. But today my son is 14 yo, his friends and their parents do know my past, I make sure they are informed so theres no secrets, which to me if its got to be a secret it says Im ashamed, and says its wrong, and I am neither we can not control how we were born, I am proud of what Ive lived through, what Ive accomplished, and of who I am. and so is my son and his friends, when they are over here all his friends talk about how they wish I was their mom, and how cool they think I am, and no its not because Im a push over, lol ,but instead because I talk to them as equalls and treat them with respect.

[AmberTG]

Well, Kay, at least you don't have a conflict with your inner gender identity, it sounds like you pretty much know who you are on the inside. The conflict, from what I can see, is how to deal with that on the outside. That can be very stressful, you would like very much to present yourself as who you really are but, for various reasons, you feel that you can't do that at this time. That's not my personal struggle at this point, as I've written about in another thread, but I can surely relate to the issue. The decision to be who you are will be a very difficult one because of all the possible concequences, only you can decide if it's worth it, for what you may have to give up. As if you don't already have enough stressful things going on in your life right now!

[Maggie Kay]

Well, Kay, at least you don't have a conflict with your inner gender identity, it sounds like you pretty much know who you are on the inside.

Amber,
I had not thought about it this way but you are correct. I am not in conflict about what I want and my identity. Rather, I am mostly concerned about my loved ones. Thank you for helping me see this.


Felix,
Good points too. Yes, I am wondering how much of my life I have to live in limbo until everyone else gets comfortable with me as me. I think we are delaying my transition so that we can preserve some vestige of the past.

[loriannetucson]

I believe Amber got it right there, at least for me since I'm in a similar situation. My wife continues to wonder why I still cry, worry, and ache over these issues. Well, I tell her that "presenting" as a woman, being out in public while being fully dressed and attempting to use my female voice as best I can, feels perfectly normal, and I have no conflict whatsoever there. It is the fact that I see her struggling and agonizing over this, wondering about my family, friends, and job is waht creates the stresses that mask themselves as dysphoria to those around me.

I feel exactly as you due, Kay. I'm told if we "just keep swimming" we'll make it. We cannot give up. We simply have no other option. Wherever we end up in this journey is our choice, and we must patiently do everything necessary to help others struggle with this conflict that we are completely okay with. Hmmm. perhaps it's society with the issues and problems and we are completely fine with who we are?

[AmberTG]

I think that you are fine with who you are, but you're sensitive to the people in your life that are struggling with it from their point of view, and also the effects on loved ones who don't yet know. No one wants to be rejected by their loved ones, but knowing that it could happen causes lots of stress.
Personally, I'm at a point in my life where I don't have much left to lose in the way of family and all my local friends are just casual friends, no emotional connections. None of my siblings live in the area, and my 2 kids are a bit distant from me due in part to my divorce from their mother 8 years ago.
I truely don't envy your position at this time, but then I guess I've already gone to the end of that road with my just completed divorce from my second wife. It didn't take her too long to figure out she'd rather be with a "real man", it just took me a while to admit to myself that the divorce was necessary, if I'd have had any sense at all, I wouldn't have gotten married a second time, I don't know what I was thinking at the time, thinking with my gonads again, I guess. At least, with taking spiro, I won't make that mistake again.
Kay and Lorianne, I do wish you luck with your family issues, I hope they turn out better than mine did! One thing that I did discover, even with all the gut wrenching heartache, life does go on, TGs are survivors, if nothing else, we have an inner strength that can be tapped into in times like this. It's never easy, but it is survivable.
You know the old saying, "what doesn't kill you just makes you stronger!"

[Kimberley]

Kay,
I can relate to what you have said right to the finest detail so you have both my understanding and my sympathies.

Amber is right when she said we seem to have an inner reserve to draw on. It sounds like you also have some support from your wife.

I hope you have a vision of how far this is going to go. This means your vision, not a negotiated one. They are 2 different things. I wonder if you and your wife undertake joint counselling with a gender therapist? It might help.

You might also want to have a peak at this site. www.avitale.com. It may answer some questions.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Maggie Kay]

Kimberley,
Thank you for the encouragement and advise. I have no goal in where I am going with respect to my gender issues. The reason is that my personality is very much outwardly focused. I am hyper sensitive to criticism and mainly live to support others. It is very hard for me to insist on anything for myself. If I was alone in the world I would seek full SRS. However, at my age, I have a life and family and SRS is never going to fit so I cannot even consider it. Instead, I have to slow my progression as much as possible and still be able to be there for my family. I allow myself tiny steps so that I can "fool" the inner woman that she is getting some attention. I am sublimating it to the needs of my family which keeps me from seeking any real outside help. This is only partially successful.

I have looked into gender therapy many times only to come to the same conclusion. I do not have the resources and support for doing it.

[loriannetucson]

Amber, I like the other phrase because I'm such a wimp..."What doesn't kill you...hurts like hell!"

[AmberTG]

You know Lorianne, you might just be right!:D

[Scotty]

I've been going through some issues, just hte opposite....

Lets just say you don't get to REALLY know your wife until you get divorced (If it's not friendly).....ugh but it's settling down now.

I've been in your shoes with a G/F and I don't envy you but just keep faithful to yourself but also to your wife. I guess that's the balancing act.

You have a LOT of friends here that understand though!!