I think my Mom knows...

[Tess Myers]

Hey Girls-

Okay my turn to need advice. I came out about my cross dressing to all of my friends, but not my family. I have been going to parties at my friends house in my cute low cut jeans and heels with various tops, but no breasts, makeup, or anything else, for the last month or so. So this morning before I get to work I get a call from my Mom. She asks me to come by her house after work so that we can talk. All the alarm bells start going off in my head. Now you don't know my Mom, but when she thinks somethings up she'll try to weasel the information out of you, but she will never ask you to come over and talk directly. She'll say things like, "Come over for dinner", or "Let's go (boy) clothes shopping" and then she'll try to figure out whats going on during casual conversation. But, when she knows somethings up, as in she has information from other various sources then she does ask to talk to you directly. So She knows I have been wearing girls clothes. She could of found out from some other people at the party as some of the usuals are the same age or go to school with my Sister. Anyway, alarm bells are going off and she asks the question. "Are you going to parties dressed as a girl?" I said no of course not. Which is true I haven't been going to parties dressed as a girl, just dressed in more feminine clothing. So we hung up with me agreeing to come talk after work. I am terrified. My mother is was raised Roman Catholic and barely accepts my gay uncles as anything other than people with a disgusting fetish. Even though I know that crossdressing and sexual preference aren't the same thing, doesn't mean she'll see it that way. I have no idea how this will go down, but I am mortified at the thought of this conversation. Telling my friends is easy, because they all know me and they see me not the clothes or any preconceptions they may have about crossdressing. My Mother knows me as well and I know she loves me as I do her. However, I don't think she'll be able to accept this and I'm afraid it will ruin our relationship. The harder part is I work for my Dad at a company with about 100 employees. None of them know. So if I tell her I am essentially telling my entire company, and I have to work with my Dad. I don't know what to do. I am sorry if I am ranting, but my hands are shaking I am so nervous.

[DawnL]

Tess,
You have gotten yourself in a bit of a spot. As a former Deacon in the Roman Catholic Church heres my :2c:. I am sure she would consider lying a worse sin. Try and approach it as a good thing and that you are trying not to sin my telling her and not lying anymore. Which is true. It may seem like having everyone know would change your life forever and I guess it would, but I would guess it's like coming out to your spouse. It could be a positive thing too. If you think it will upset her that much you could keep it in the closet (but do a better job of it, lol), let her know or actually stop so there will be peace. Tough call there girl. Good luck and God bless. :praying:

[Alex!]

Going out with your friends as a crossdresser inevitably leads to the word getting out. Leading a double life also produces opportunities for slip-ups, and mothers are very astute. It is akin to a spouse suspecting infedelity. If you suspect something is up, you're probably right.

In any case, I would not lie. Not because it is a sin (I don't believe in sin), but because your mother deserve respect.

[TV Wannabe]

My parents believe homosexuality and crossdressing are the same thing, so I don't tell them about it, If I were you I would probalby not go to parties dressed and deny the whole thing or you could work it out with your parents and keep it a secret from the company, regardless I wish you well.

[Tess Myers]

Hey girls,

Thanks for your advice. :happy: I have come to the realization that I can't hide it. It's who I am and my parents and I live within a 10 mile radius of each other. We shop at the same stores, go to the same movie theaters, and more. Plus we have lived in the area for almost 20 years. We know everybody. lol. I was talking to my friend about this very issue and he gave me some sound advice. So sound I feel the need to share it with all of you and for others going through similar things. I can't possibly say it any better than him so I'll just do an old copy/paste. I will let you ladies know later tonight, if I'm not drowning in a bottle of vodka, how it goes.

Thanks,
Tess :hugs:



I know your mom well enough to also know how she will react to you giving her the straightforward honest truth

lying about who you are is difficult also

its easier to avoid talking about it but I have never lied about it, and i dont want to

however, it seems to me that in your current predicament, its going to be more wise for you to bide your time now about telling her how you like to dress and revealing yourself to her, your family, and your work

this is how I would confront the situation:

Ask her if she loves you, the obvious answer will be yes.
then ask her, if she loves you, unconditionally, then does it actually matter what you dress like, or what makes you happy
because realistically, it shouldn't matter what your behavior is, your family should always be there for you, regardless
try to direct the conversation towards acceptance of other ideas and whatnot, because that prepares her later when you are ready to tell her these things
but doesn't require you to come straight out with all the information
she will be difficult, if you need to just leave, do so
but if you lie, when you tell her later it will be more difficult, because she will point out that you lied before
Don't judge a book by its cover is an age-old adage regarding not judging something merely by its appearance. Your mother knows who you are, she knows what you are like, your strengths and weaknesses, virtues and vices, she will always be your mother, she will always care for you as a mother does. Her reason for concern on such a subject is (possibly) something along the lines of fearing that you will not fit into society or that you've developed strange moral values or participate in 'questionable' behavior that might send you to hell. It could be these or many other things, I would recommend asking what her concern is that you might be dressing as a woman, does she see it as a negative thing and if so, why? Try NOT to bring religion into it as much as possible as it is a faith-based arguement and cannot be debated against with reason or logic. Hell, Ask her if she ever bought a shirt or jeans that was in the "Male" section, and why there are sections in the clothing departments at all. You are simply wearing clothes that you like wearing because: (insert all of the reasons you like wearing them here), I mean, you could say: "Because they fit my body better, they are more relaxed and less tight-fitting leading to lower amounts of stress on your body, they make you look better or whatever it is. Try not to bring up the taboo words crossdressing or any of its affiliates. Ask for confidentiality if you really think it could possibly affect your work environment. Your personal lives and your business lives should not intermingle on the subject, if you can get that across also, do so.

[RobertaFermina]

Tess,

Whatever happens, you are priceless - a unique gift.
If your mother loses sight of how you shine, remember it is not likely to last forever.
You will continue to be her loving son, and a reflection of her love and devotion.
In some ways, your feminine radiance is a tribute to her.
If not tonight, someday she will see her own light reflecting from you.

May all that is Good Bless You!

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[tommi]

Being raised Catholic I know alot of your turmoil but I do feel coming out clean to your mom may be best in the long run.
Trying to hide it and having her confirm her suspisions another way will only
make matters worse.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Are you ashamed you crossdress/have a female personality? If you lie you are saying yes you are ashamed because you are doing something wrong. Better to present the picture that you are doing nothing to be ashamed of get it over with.


Emily Ann

[MJ]

i can't help but wonder that she does know don't lie to your mom but i feel you should tell the truth.. if she asks you a direct question tell the truth it will set you free

[Rita B]

I wish that my Mom was around so that I could tell her. The truth is that I think she suspected for a long time or found out about it in some way. I was very close to my Mom. I have posted a thread as to how she was always my role model as well as she should have been. I don't think my father and I spoke more than 50 words a year to each other. My Mom was the one who always cared for me.

Believe me, it is very difficult to hide something from your Mom. They know when you are happy and when you are not and that is really the bottom line. If you are happy being a crossdresser than I am sure she will be happy for you.

It is no worse than finding out that one of your daughters and that one of your sons are gay. It happened to me. My daugher is a Phd and is a professor at one of the most prestigious universities in Penn. She has written many books in her field and is truly fulfilled. My son lives with a doctor and I have met him and he is a wonderful person. I love them both and am happy for them.

Sometimes parents feel that they are the cause of why their children turn out the way they do, and that might be the first thing you may have to explain to your mother. Just tell her that it does not make you a bad person and that you are happy!

Good Luck to you,


Rita

[ctcd]

people finding out about your lifestyle choice without you ready to let them know is never easy. i hope everything works out ok for you

[Stephenie S]

You can't lie to your mother, hon. Don't even think about it. I mean, of course you can lie, but she will see through you like glass. It's a trait mothers have. She may not admit it, but she will know. You can bet your life on it. So don't try. Lying to her will hurt her FAR, FAR, more than the CDing. She's your mother, for goodness sake, she's gonna love you unconditionally, no matter what! Just tell her, ask for her understanding, and don't worry about it. She may very well disaprove of your behavior, but she won't stop loving you.

Stephenie

[Kelsy]

Tess,

Just be honest. If your mom knows then why try to hide it. She loves you and that will not change. You may have to endure a strained relationship but you can show her that you are still her loving son. Its a great opportunity to demonstrate that CDing is not as weird as she might think. Your OK and she will be even if it takes a little time.

Jennifer:happy:

[lynn27]

Tess,

Of course, she knows. You should be as honest with her as you can. Tell her you like the things you wear and don't see a problem with them. Just because they are sold off I women's rack doesn't mean men cannot wear them.

She should love and support you no matter what. It would be wrong of her to let outside influences [the church] affect your relationship. She is probably more concerned about "what will the neighbors think" then how you feel. Bring it back to your feelings.

So, how did it go?

[dl_pink_pink]

good luck and I hope all goes well

[Becky Moore]

Mums often know, in my case I think she was relieved that she could talk to me about it and didn't have to pretend anymore

[Dixie]

Mothers just seem to be blessed with a pshyic ability when it comes to their children. Do not try to hide it, but DO go into the conversation with the facts, maybe download some articles on crossdressing to help her understand.

[TxKimberly]

OK,

Mom has asked you such a blunt question there is no doubt she has heard something from someone. If you try and split hairs with her ("I said no of course not. Which is true I haven't been going to parties dressed as a girl, just dressed in more feminine clothing") you are being less than honest and I'm sure you already know that.
In my opinion based on what you have said, your mother already knows. Your denying it is only going to buy you a small amount of time, as sooner or later she will hear from someone again what you are up to. After all, SOMEONE has already spoken to her right? Your only choice now is if you want to take the high road, tell her the truth and deal with the outcome, or take the low road where you deny it while she knows your not not being honest.

For what little it may matter to you, my Mother was also raised Roman Catholic and she was wonderful when I did tell her in my 30's.
I wish you the best of luck and would like to hear how things go for you!

Hugs,
Kim

[jenny_spark]

Hi Tess. I can kind of relate to what you’re going through because my mom found a stash of her underwear when I was in around 13. I stupidly hide them under my bed (why do we think that’s a safe place, lol) and she found them when she changed the sheets. She called my into my room and asked why I had these. OMG, worst feeling in the world – kind of like waiting for the floor to drop for your execution. After an immensely long silence, she asked if I wore them and I sheepishly shook my head yes. She was really understanding, she had to be right, I was 13. Anyways, I’m close to my family and love them dearly.

However, I don’t know how things would be if they knew now. In reality, I don’t think it’s any of their business (some may disagree with me here). All I can say is I feel for you and even when you feel cornered and as small as small can be…remember to lift your head up, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I would like to think love conquers all but I’m realistic – sometimes people can’t accept you for who you are. I hope it works out babe.

xoxo
Jen

[MsJoann]

Two schools of thought here....
You can either "come clean" or make a parody out of it and said you just dressed in women's clothes "to have some fun" and get attention.
My mom was Catholic too and at her age, if she found out, she would split her sides laughing. But then follow up with a warning not to get caught.
It's your choice but if it were me, I would handle the situation with tact.
I have similar issues too...I wear women's jeans every day and in the summer, I wear all women's shorts, which show off my smooth legs.
Most of my female neighbors have seen me this way but say nothing. (what they are thinking)
Unfortunately, there are people in my neighborhood who actually believe that CD's are gay.
I face the inevitable one day. While fully dressed, I have to dodge some major bullets while driving out of my neighborhood. I think one of my male buddies saw me just last night too.
There comes a day when you have to come out... yes. My prefererred methodology is not to admit. Let them guess. It's none of their business what you do anyway. I would prefer to tell them that I was dressed because "Me and another buddy was going out to raise some Hell".
Either way, you need to be prepared with an arsenal of answers.
Always keep thinking and stay a step ahead.
Hope you feel better.
JoAnn

[Sheri 4242]

Tess,

Your mom's question was so directly "on target" you have to presume she has been told. Exactly what she has been told is another story -- and, from the way you relate things, it could be that she has been told something, but is (like my mother is famous for doing) fishing for the whole story by letting you think she knows everything.

I wouldn't advocate lying -- but, I also wouldn't presume she knows everything, either. So, one tactic you might want to use is to "put the ball back in her court." When face-to-face, if/when she asks if you've been dressing, first answer by asking a question along the lines of, "exactly what have you been told?" This is NOT for deception purposes, but rather for clarity's sake. You neither want to answer the "have you been dressing" question only to later learn that someone has told her a major exageration, nor to learn that she is fishing for you to spill it all. So, before you answer, make sure you clarify what exactly it is that she knows or thinks she knows. Personally, I think that is a perfectly fair question!!!

I hope all goes well!!! Does your sister know? Are your sister and you close? It might help -- if you have a good relationship with your sister, and "if" she knows -- to have her there. Of course that would only be good if she knows and is supportive of your CDing.

One final thing I think is crucial is for you to be armed with "the facts" about CDing!!! Stay calm and composed -- and make certain she knows that this isn't anything like your uncle. Let's face it, your mom may be laboring under many of the great misconceptions we face! The better prepared you are to defuse the sterotypes, the farther ahead you'll be!

Keep us posted!!! We're with you!!! And remember what Roberta so eloquently said:


Whatever happens, you are priceless - a unique gift. If your mother loses sight of how you shine, remember it is not likely to last forever. You will continue to be her loving son, and a reflection of her love and devotion. In some ways, your feminine radiance is a tribute to her. If not tonight, someday she will see her own light reflecting from you. May all that is Good Bless You!

[Jeanine]

If your Mom suspects or already knows that you enjoy wearing female clothes it might do both of you a world of good if you just confessed and the two of you sought the advice of a Gender Counselor.

All three of my sisters caught me wearing their clothes many times before Mom decided to take me to a Gender Counselor. And a after a several private sessions with the counselor she asked Mom and my three sisters to attend our sessions as well.

It took a few sessions to make Mom and my sisters understand what I was going through and that crossdressing was NOT abnormal, but after they all understood, I was allowed to wear feminine clothing any time I wanted to at home and I was treated as just another one of the girls.

Mom and my sisters always took me on their shopping trips to the malls so I could have a complete wardrobe of my own and all five of us borrowed and wore each others clothes all the time after that.

Hugs-N-Kisses
Jeanine

[Sheri 4242]

Jeanine: That must have been a great experience to have such liberation, tolerance, and acceptance in your home! It is the stuff many of us can just dream about having had when we were younger.

I agree that a Gender Counselor may be of tremendous help for Tess and her mom! One thing, though, is that in many areas there aren't counselors that advertise this as a specialty! So, if they do seek counseling, they need to make absolutely certain it is with a counselor who is experienced in gender issues, even if that isn't listed as an area of practice. (One psychologist I know that lives a few hours from my home doesn't list gender issues as one of his areas in the yellow pages, yet he is about as competent as they come in working with gender issues -- especially with famliy members who need to be educated about things like CDing.)

As Roman Catholics, I hope Tess's mom doesn't try to play the "let's let our priest be our counselor" card!!! Not many priests (or other denominational ministers) are trained in this type of counseling and that could spell problems!

[Ammdi]

Tess,
My Roman Catholic mom sent me a mother's day card this year. Mom's know. They just have fun seeing if you will stand up for yourself and tell her. And it seems like you mom is having a good time.
Ammdi

[trannie T]

Seems like you have a choice, mom already knows you are crossdressing so if you tell her the truth it will only confirm what she knows, if you deny it she will know that you are a crossdresser and a liar.

[Jaquelyn]

moms know everything. you can't lie to her, not anymore, and she's not going to disown you, you are her child. She might be mad, remember, that's a secondary emotion, get her to tell you what she really feels and thinks. Most moms are pretty understanding, even the ones you think aren't, can be when the chips are down in life. It's the mother instict in them, protect the youngans no matter what. Tell her, tell her why, and give her a big hug, and tell her that you love her.

[RachelDenise]

I think your Mom knows. This is your chance to tell her about you. Don't waste it. If you think this will push her away, then think what lying to her will do. You need to really know what crossdressing is to you so you can be honest with your Mom.

[Nyana]

so what happened?