What is the reality?

[kerrianna]

When I was working at the school last night two things happened which caused me to spend most of the night while working mulling things over.

First when I arrived and checked in at the office I introduced myself to the secretary and a very feminine woman standing next to me (dressed in a style I like) said "Oh someone asked me if I was Kerry when I came in" Then she looked at me and said "turns out Kerry's a guy!" :sad:

I almost said something like "uh, not really." or "only on the outside" but I just weakly smiled.

Then later I noticed a couple of men outside on the field. I realized one of them looked a lot like me and carried himself like I used to not long ago.

It dawned on me that while when I look in the mirror now, no matter how I'm dressed, I see a woman, the rest of the world in fact sees a man.

It's a strange paradox. I thought maybe I've just been fooling myself, making things up. I went and checked in the mirror again, this time knowing I would see that male me as I had just seen the guy outside...yet when I looked I still saw the woman.

I guess that should make me happy, knowing I feel so sure of my true nature that I can see it regrardless of external trappings...but it did make me kind of depressed that what I see isn't what most people see. I guess I shouldn't let it bother me, because it's kind of like when a heavy person knows themselves as graceful and light, and after all isn't that where the real test is, how you feel inside?

I know this is primary TS stuff for most of you, but I'm in a late awakening and somedays I'm not sure what the heck is going on. Ok, most days. :rolleyes:

I guess because I've been getting lots of positive feedback and support from people I've told, it seems like a rude awakening to think that the rest of the world can't see what I see and feel. :sad:

[CaptLex]

I can relate, Kerri. I call it Trannyvision. I can see the real me, and I can see the real person in other trans people too - it's like a super power (like Superman's x-ray vision). But it's frustrating that most "normal" people don't seem to have it. I wish people could see what I see when I look in the mirror, but it's not even close. Even with certain changes over the past year (especially stubble and shadow), it amazes me that people are so completely sure I'm female. Fortunately, some of my friends also have it (or are developing it), so that's encouraging. For us, it's a gift . . . and a curse. :hmmm: :strugglin

[Evert]

I can relate, Kerri. I call it Trannyvision. I can see the real me, and I can see the real person in other trans people too - it's like a super power (like Superman's x-ray vision). But it's frustrating that most "normal" people don't seem to have it. I wish people could see what I see when I look in the mirror, but it's not even close. Even with certain changes over the past year (especially stubble and shadow), it amazes me that people are so completely sure I'm female. Fortunately, some of my friends also have it (or are developing it), so that's encouraging. For us, it's a gift . . . and a curse. :hmmm: :strugglin

:iagree:

It's hard I know. But there really are people who see the female you, even when they don't really 'recognise' it. They'll see you a girl, but their minds tell them they are mad, and that they shouldn't think this way because it's insulting. (really, I heard this one recently. :eek:)

[Maggie Kay]

It seems to be variable in the extreme. I've been called "Ma'am" when in full drab and "sir" when in my most femme outfit. It is partly age related on both sides. The older we get, men and women start to look more alike. Also, older people perceive gender markers differently than twenty year olds. Older folks often won't look too hard and just make a superficial judgment but the teenager is going to look at every hair on your head.... I know what you mean about the woman in the mirror. The guy I was is gone. My hair is 5 inches past my shoulders now and longer than I have ever had it. I am getting used to the sight and trying to look "butch" is getting harder and harder. Even the beard barely grows now. I shave very day but could skip a day. My wife, when we are out, sometimes says "this is my guy" or something similar because she wants to tell folks that I am a male.

[Kimberley]

I dont know. For me it isnt what I see so much as is how I feel. What I see is repulsive to me and always has been. Oh well, I never was a joiner...:D

Like Kay, I just dont see a long term solution for me; at least in the present circumstances. They could very well change and if so, I will be on a different tack, one for me.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Kate Simmons]

Nothing wrong with being who you are in any shape or form. The important thing is knowing who you are as a person and accepting and embracing that.:happy:

[Cai]

I've started to have male days and female days - sometimes i lolok in the mirror and see a guy no matter what ,, and sometimes i see a girl no matter what. But after one of the guys (maybe Taylor?) told me how he admired my shoulders, i started to like myself whatever I see.

[ToyGirl]

What were you wearing?

and seeing a girl in the mirror is a really good thing , many a TS has got FFS not because they needed but because they could never deal with what they seen in the mirror (there old self)

[AmberTG]

I have my good days and my bad days with the mirror. A lot of time, what triggers the bad day is seeing the beard shadow or a day's growth. It was kinda tough looking in the mirror this evening while shaving. I had an electrolysis session today so I had to let it grow for a couple days, so all I saw was a middle aged man.:(

[kerrianna]

Thanks for your responses. :hugs:

Haha Lex - Trannyvision. I like that.

I sometimes think I'm just loco. I have a very good imagination, as you might have noticed, and I guess I have become very adept at skewing my reality vision to suit me. When I was younger I saw a rock star in the mirror, even though I couldn't really play and I was way too shy to be on stage. :rolleyes:

I guess part of my trick is not to look too closely. When I see pics of myself (well, except for the ones I'v been taking dressed the last few months :happy:) I usually blanch and feel depressed. That's not the way I look I think to myself. I guess that's fairly common for a lot of people, not just trans.

I am fortunate that I have always had some fairly unmasculine traits - as a matter of fact that's how I learned to avoid looking in the mirror. I tried so hard to be male but I only saw failure at that in the mirror, for the most part. So I learned at a young age not to look too closely. Ironically enough it's the art of makeup which has changed that for me. You can't avoid looking closely then.

The beard is one of the things that is driving me nuts - that's one thing that's hard to ignore - I'm looking into zapping it into oblivion if I can.

The thinning hair on top is another, but I'm letting it grow really long again (I had long hair most of my life and I find I concentarte on that part of it rather than the top.) I guess I avoid looking at the more obvious male parts and instead drink in what I really like about myself. The other thing I try not to do is compare myself to a standard image of a woman. GGs come in all shapes and sizes and I tend to see myself as an 'unsual' looking woman. :p I would love to have a more classic look, but without medical assistance that's not likely, even with the best makeover in the world. (altho I'v never tried that route yet). So I settle for my own vision...but it is a rude awakening when I realize the rest of the world doesn't share my Trannyvision.

I liked what you said Evert. That's interesting to think about.

Toy, I was in my drab work clothes, so there wasn't anything outwardly femme about me. My voice falls somewhere in the middle, not too deep, but definitely a guy's voice. I'm not sure how others perceive the way my body moves now (to me I can really feel how different it is - more natural and 'softer'). My personality has always been much more female than male - I'm just a little more 'bubbly' and loving now. I have had people refer to me as 'she' or 'her' when they aren't looking directly at me but know I'm there (like a mother telling her child to let the woman (me :D dressed in drab) behind her by, and then the two of them looking a bit confused when they actually looked at me - Evert's theory I guess).

Sorry for the long post...I'm rambling. You've probably all wandered off thinking "man does she talk!" :chatterbox: :heehee:

It is a diffiicult balancing act and some days I feel like I might fall right off the wire. It's good to know that I'm not alone and that there a different ways of dealing with a lot of this. :hugs:

[Nicole]

It dawned on me that while when I look in the mirror now, no matter how I'm dressed, I see a woman, the rest of the world in fact sees a man.

It's a strange paradox. I thought maybe I've just been fooling myself, making things up. I went and checked in the mirror again, this time knowing I would see that male me as I had just seen the guy outside...yet when I looked I still saw the woman.

I understand your frustration. Although I lack the depth of experience that you have, I occasionally "see the woman" looking back. It makes me painfully aware of the difference of how I see myself vs. how the rest of the world sees me. No matter. Had I not known you were genetically male, I would have guessed you were female based upon the soft and friendly way you present yourself online (not meaning to stereotype) and in chat. I can bet that your feminine essence shines through in real life as well. :happy:

An interesting parallel was made by an acquaintance on one of my bloglists. She was talking about "when" transition started in her mind. According to her, it was when she mentioned her newfound discomfort with being addressed as "sir". An FtM friend replied that was how he *started*... being uncomfortable addressed as "ma'am". Now that you see *her* in the mirror, is the way you are being addressed also a matter of discrepancy?

[pocoyo]

When I was working at the school last night two things happened which caused me to spend most of the night while working mulling things over.

First when I arrived and checked in at the office I introduced myself to the secretary and a very feminine woman standing next to me (dressed in a style I like) said "Oh someone asked me if I was Kerry when I came in" Then she looked at me and said "turns out Kerry's a guy!" :sad:

I almost said something like "uh, not really." or "only on the outside" but I just weakly smiled.

Awwww kez that must have been really frustrating and saddening. I do know how you feel. I have been in similar situations (but the reverse obviously). Awww *hug*
This being transgender malarchy can be so frustrating and confusing. (Yet also, wonderful and enlightening... we mustn't forget that).


Then later I noticed a couple of men outside on the field. I realized one of them looked a lot like me and carried himself like I used to not long ago.

It dawned on me that while when I look in the mirror now, no matter how I'm dressed, I see a woman, the rest of the world in fact sees a man.

It's a strange paradox. I thought maybe I've just been fooling myself, making things up. I went and checked in the mirror again, this time knowing I would see that male me as I had just seen the guy outside...yet when I looked I still saw the woman.

I guess that should make me happy, knowing I feel so sure of my true nature that I can see it regrardless of external trappings...but it did make me kind of depressed that what I see isn't what most people see. I guess I shouldn't let it bother me, because it's kind of like when a heavy person knows themselves as graceful and light, and after all isn't that where the real test is, how you feel inside?

I know this is primary TS stuff for most of you, but I'm in a late awakening and somedays I'm not sure what the heck is going on. Ok, most days. :rolleyes:

I guess because I've been getting lots of positive feedback and support from people I've told, it seems like a rude awakening to think that the rest of the world can't see what I see and feel. :sad:

I can relate to this section too.
Lately I've noticed that when I look in the mirror, I don't see a girl (not sure I ever did completely... just a person I think...), and I couldn't understand it when mum said I look like a girl.

Hmm it's a hard one.
I don't really know what to say apart from to say I know/understand how you feel :hugs:

People shouldn't judge a book by it's cover anyway... because the pages may contain a completely different story that they were expecting...

The only way you know somebody's gender identity, is if they tell you what it is... if only more people realised this.

An encouraging thought is... that you haven't had anything done... but if you wanted to look more feminine one day, there are lots of things you can do! (You know.. like take hormones, wear make up full time, dress "female" full time, operations etc...), so that's good to remember.

Also, if you are basically presenting as male... I guess people will just suppose you are male and treat you accordingly... so try not to let it get to you too much, because people are probably just trying to be polite.. "ah.. that person is dressed as a man and has their hair like a man.... I will address them as such..." type thing.

[Calliope]

I thought maybe I've just been fooling myself, making things up. I went and checked in the mirror again, this time knowing I would see that male me as I had just seen the guy outside...yet when I looked I still saw the woman.

That's the most important thing, dear!

Dolly Parton has had more surgery than Christine Jorgensen.

[kerrianna]

Carol was invited to a Blanket Party hosted by the woman who runs the gym Carol goes to. It's a Celebration of Women blanket party and it sounds wonderful! The invite to Carol said bring your best girlfriend. Well, that's me! :D

EXCEPT...when Carol asked to clarify she was told that in fact it is for WOMEN ONLY. :sad: So because I don't present as female I cannot attend this event. Another reason to change the outside look I guess. :(

Even then, there's no guarantees. Not too long ago in Vancouver a post op transwoman took the local Rape Relief to court because they would not let her work in their centre, having been born a GM, even though she had been fully transitioned for a long time. She did win damages in the end, but never got to work with them, but it shows how hard it is to get acceptance in society. People keep seeing the cover, not the book.

Their loss. Neither Carol nor I will be going to the Blanket party. Actually I feel sorry that Carol doesn't want to go now. She would have enjoyed it...but she really wanted to go with me. Too bad. I thought it would have been a really good place for me to be. :sad:

[GypsyKaren]

Hello my friend

That's the key to success Kerrianna, not only being able to see your true self, but being able to accept yourself for it...I'm very happy for you!

Karen

[Kate Simmons]

When any group or organization limits themselves to a "one gender only" get together or event, they are the ones who ulimately shortchange themselves by missing the diversity. Like you said, their loss.:happy:

[CaptLex]

When any group or organization limits themselves to a "one gender only" get together or event, they are the ones who ulimately shortchange themselves by missing the diversity. Like you said, their loss.:happy:
You said it, Sal. These people are segregating themselves, Kerri, and that's not much to celebrate. I'm sorry they're so close-minded. Our group of transguys here in NYC (Trans-Masculine Community Network) makes sure everyone knows that you don't have to be a transman to join and participate in our events - we welcome all allies. How else can we expect to be accepted and welcomed if we separate ourselves from everyone else? I'm sorry those women dropped the ball, not only are they missing out on making friends, they're missing out on getting YOU! Big mistake. :hugs:

[Evert]

Those #$@%...

But yeah, their loss. Now they'll never know what a wonderful girl Kerrianna is. I know they will regret it when they find out. :hugs: