KatieC
05-24-2007, 03:26 PM
I still have a lot of self discovery to go, I know that. All I really know for sure, is that I'm not a casual cross-dresser. I'm some degree of transgendered, but where on the whole gender spectrum I'll ultimately find myself is still anyone's guess.
Since this winter or so, when the suppressed cross-dressing bug re-emerged with a vengeance, I've been struggling with a lot of self hatred. I haven't felt like one thing or another, and find myself obsessed with longings to be what my biology doesn't match, with urges bordering on compulsion to dress and tuck and just be much more feminine that I've ever allowed myself to be. I don't know where this is all going, and for someone who prides eirself on self control, it's a wild and rather frightening ride at times.
But within the last few days, I decided something. I am going to stop looking at this as a curse, and start looking at it as a gift. So I'm not one thing or another . . . that doesn't have to be a bad thing! I don't have to feel like an outsider, an Other. What I am, or can become, is a bridge between the too-often separate worlds of Male and Female. A gender ambassador, if you will. It's a goal worth pursuing, and with all of the friends I have who just don't understand the opposite gender, it looks like it's something this world needs more of.
I still don't claim to understand women any better than I understand men (which often times seems like not at all), but maybe I understand both better than your average Jo(e) understands their opposite gender. Maybe . . . Hopefully.
This decision, and realization, comes from a distillation of many, many posts from many of you wonderful people who post in these forums. Far too many of you to name individually. So please, all, accept :hugs: and thanks. I don't post often, but I read much, and you all do make a very positive impact on my quest for understanding.
-KatieC
Since this winter or so, when the suppressed cross-dressing bug re-emerged with a vengeance, I've been struggling with a lot of self hatred. I haven't felt like one thing or another, and find myself obsessed with longings to be what my biology doesn't match, with urges bordering on compulsion to dress and tuck and just be much more feminine that I've ever allowed myself to be. I don't know where this is all going, and for someone who prides eirself on self control, it's a wild and rather frightening ride at times.
But within the last few days, I decided something. I am going to stop looking at this as a curse, and start looking at it as a gift. So I'm not one thing or another . . . that doesn't have to be a bad thing! I don't have to feel like an outsider, an Other. What I am, or can become, is a bridge between the too-often separate worlds of Male and Female. A gender ambassador, if you will. It's a goal worth pursuing, and with all of the friends I have who just don't understand the opposite gender, it looks like it's something this world needs more of.
I still don't claim to understand women any better than I understand men (which often times seems like not at all), but maybe I understand both better than your average Jo(e) understands their opposite gender. Maybe . . . Hopefully.
This decision, and realization, comes from a distillation of many, many posts from many of you wonderful people who post in these forums. Far too many of you to name individually. So please, all, accept :hugs: and thanks. I don't post often, but I read much, and you all do make a very positive impact on my quest for understanding.
-KatieC