What does it mean to live in stealth when you're post-op?

[Siobhan Marie]

Please forgive the question but I've heard the phrase "to live in stealth" mentioned here a lot and in a couple of books that I've read and I haven't a clue what it means. Could somebody please put me out of my misery. I'm just curious and don't have any plans to do it myself.
I would appreciate any replies that can be given :hugs::hugs:

:hugs: Anna x

[MistressWickedness]

Its really quite simple, the fraze "living in stealth" refers to those who live normal lives in their desired gender,and no one knows or suspects that they were born in the opposite gender, whether they are F2M or M2F, I myself do not worry about this, Im almost never "outted or made" and ussually I end up outting myself ,, basicly because I have a son who I have full custody of, I believe in full disclosure to the parents of his friends, this way if any ignorant, bigots were to find out theres nothing for them to twist into ugly lies. As I've said before, if it has to be a secret it says its wrong, and your embarrassed of it, and I am neither. We cannot control how we were born, but we can take pride in how we deal with it.

[Stlalice]

As I understand it, living stealth after SRS simply means that you would likely move after surgery and would tell no one of your history/background and live as someone who has always been their target gender. The drawback as I see it is that you are voluntarily electing to "go back into the closet" and a mistake or being "outed" could be a cause of major personal problems. I've often felt that those who do this in effect desert the trans community and deprive those of us in earlier stages of transition of positive examples of people who have made a success of getting their lives together and finding what my sister calls "peace in our own skins". There is also the issue of the loss of practical experience in dealing with everyday life issues - being able to mentor someone - and perhaps save someone who is struggling from having to "re-invent the wheel" as it were. Mind you, I'm in NO WAY condemning someone who chooses the stealth route - anyone who goes through transition and SRS has likely endured such a degree of personal pain and loss that I cannot blame them for wanting to put it behind them and get on with their life.

For myself, at that stage in my life, I will likely not advertise my status as a transsexual but neither will I deny it - and if by being a positive example or mentoring someone I manage to ease someone else's journey then in some way my pain has been worthwhile. :love:

[Stephenie S]

Yup, stealth just means that you live as a woman with no reference to your prior life. Many of us want just that. It's not that I want to desert my TG sisters, it's that I have always considered myself female and I just want to get on with my life.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[MistressWickedness]

For once my explanation didnt get ripped apart lol ,, but like I said I'm not condemning "Stealth tg's" like they said they've earned it and it is what most strive for, a normal female life, I've just decided that because I have a son that I have full custody of, we all know the ugly side of society and how they love to assume the worst of others ,, esp. about people in the alternative life styles, so although I was born herm., I've chosen to air on the side of caution and inform the parents of my sons friends, so if theres any questions I"LL be the one answering them so they know the truth and theres no sick twisted discusting lies being told. And for me this has worked quite well, a few thought I was teasing them, lol I actually had to show them my sons birth certificate and an old ID i keep around for legal purposes, in case I need to prove who I used to be, which I have, in the VA and with other official things, its not always easy to hide your past so I recommend to others to take your old ID's and legal papers and put them in a safe, you never know when it might be usefull. I have seen just how petty society can be, but I can say that since about 6 months after I started my transition I dont get "made" unless I decide that I need to let them know for my sons sake and "out" myself. In fact a few years after I'd transitioned I was working at this one place, where after 6 months a friend told me 60% of the women were lesbians like me, lol ,, and we even had 4 TS's that worked there I was like no way, who? cuz I dont go around looking to judge and label people, incidently this particular friend did not know I was TG.

[ToyGirl]

I just dont think any TS passes 100% of the time. Though if your not 'Out' and you can pass reasonably well , thats stealth enough for me.

[GypsyKaren]

Some very good points here, interesting indeed. I don't know how I'll do things once I'm post op, I hate to ever say this or that on anything because you never know. I can say this, however, based solely on my experiences since I began my transition...

As much as I've always considered myself to be a woman, something I have never wavered on, even when I didn't know the differences between up and down and all things simple, I seriously doubt that most of the world will see me as one. Perhaps if I had better genetics, or the money for FFS, but not now, not today, not the way I look. I always figured you had to play the hand you're dealt, I just keep an ace up my sleeve is all...

Anyways, the point...I don't care. If people always see me as trans, I don't care, it doesn't matter to me. It's not about them, it's about me, I'm content with things as they are, so be it, wish it were otherwise, but it's not. So the thing is, I'm now at the point where I want people to know I'm trans, because maybe one or two in the crowd will see that we are not freaks as so many now believe, maybe just maybe they'll see that we're just human beings with hearts like everyone else. I guess I just figure that if I'm going to be out there and be noticed, then damnit I'm going to be out there, look at me, I'm no different than you, get over it.

I'm not knocking anyone who wants to go stealth, I'm quite sure I probably would if I could, and I'm not going to walk around with a sign saying "Look, I'm trans". I just figure that if this is probably the way it's going to be for me, then I might as well try to get some good out of it, and besides, I've always liked stirring the pot, kinda makes life more interesting for me.

Karen

[MistressWickedness]

hey I dont blame you, I agree each person has to do what they feel is right I just said for me this works, n your right its not for everyone, but i havent always lived here in California either, in fact I was in Oklahoma when my son was born, and I started transition in St. Louis MO, then moved back to Oklahoma for a few years before we ended up out here ,, and we'll be moving back to st. Louis within the next year. "red" states dont bother or scare me, lol hell I retained full custody of my son when my Ex took me back to court after I started transition. and I guess her and her lawyer thought I would be embarrassed and fold in open court, lmao, WRONG!! I had no problem explaining my medical situation, or mentioning that all my Ex's knew I was TG, including my Ex before I would even kiss them, made her feel 1" tall since 2 of her sisters, a cousin, and best friend were all in court. I even insinuated the opposing councel was used to watching he/she films, when he tried to press me on how I was going to be dressing(I think he was trying to insinuate we are perverts here, lol), I simply said "I'm not sure what kinda films youve been watching, but most TranSexuals/Intersexed ladies that I know dress Casual, like myself and most "normal" ladies." OMG the Judge chuckled on that one and asked me to please try to refrain from making the opposing councel look like an idiot, because he was supposed to remain impartial and its hard to maintain that appearence when your laughing at them. lol I think my Ex neglected to tell her lawyer that I had a masters in Psychology and a 198 IQ, because he actually thought he was going to intimidate me, and when the Oklahoma judge ruled in my favor, lol , he just sat there saying "but, but their a TS, you cant do this, their TS" and the judge just said "and your point?" but I know not everyone is as lucky, but me n my lawyer have put my case out there so it can be used for others as precident. Just like I've volunteered to share my Military Experience, mainly that the Air Force knew I was TG 2 years before I got out, and never did anything to me, only asked that I not show up to work in the womens uniform. lmao, but didnt care what I did off duty.:tongueout

[GypsyKaren]

I am very happy for you, I am very happy for anyone who has found something that works for them, it's just that I'm stuck with a stick shift, so I figure I might as well have fun with it.

Karen

[Stlalice]

Some interesting viewpoints indeed! As I said in my original post, my plan is to live without advertising my past - but not denying it either. My comment about "going back in the closet" was meant to describe those rare individuals who literally do enter the "witness protection program" style of stealth and as a result always fear being "outed" - that their past will catch up to them. Had enough of that fear the first time around and no way would I voluntarily repeat the experience.

Karen - like you, given my size and build I'll likely always be seen as trans to some extent. I've long since made peace with the idea and will not move or deny my past. Won't go out to advertise it either. Whats really important is that we be able to be at peace in our own bodies - I was quite surprised that given the neighborhood I live in that no one has given me any grief about my status and since I own my place I'm fully intending to stay here after SRS. Not so much a "stealth" life as one that matches my own personal philosophy in life - to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. Any problems I'll deal with as they come up and not spend time or energy worrying about them in advance. :2c:

[Siobhan Marie]

Ladies, I only asked a question. I really didn't mean to start World War 3!! It's been really great to read all of your answers. Thank you so very much for taking the time to reply. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

:hugs: Anna x

[GypsyKaren]

Ladies, I only asked a question. I really didn't mean to start World War 3!! It's been really great to read all of your answers. Thank you so very much for taking the time to reply. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

:hugs: Anna x

Relax Anna, all is well. Everyone has different views of things because we're all different too, so what's good for the goose may send the gander packing (I just made that up, I think it needs some work). Anyway, if you really want to see something, give us a chance to load up on Estrogen and point us in the direction of a clearance rack...loosen the havoc, and unleash the dogs of war!

Karen

[Rita B]

I think if a person goes through the trauma and trial of SRS that they should be entitled to their choice. If they choose to live in"stealth" and apart from the community it's ok, although I, myself, would not understand why. We all need friends.

When I was in my forties I want the SRS so bad. I even obtained my real estate sales license so that I could enter a field where women excelled. ( I used to be a car salesman. Do you know of anybody who would want to buy a car from a guy in a dress with a deep male voice?)

I was turned down for transition. A history of heart problems was the main objection. Do I miss it? Yes. Did I get over it? Don't know as I ever will! Love to all Rita.

[Siobhan Marie]

Relax Anna, all is well. Everyone has different views of things because we're all different too, so what's good for the goose may send the gander packing (I just made that up, I think it needs some work). Anyway, if you really want to see something, give us a chance to load up on Estrogen and point us in the direction of a clearance rack...loosen the havoc, and unleash the dogs of war!

Karen, I'm alright honey, when I came into read the replies and thought to myself, what have I done? Mind you if there's any estrogen going round, can I have some ?!! :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

:hugs: Anna x

[Siobhan Marie]

Anna, I think that it was an excellent question, and I think it prompted a really constructive dialogue on the subject.

I have seen discussions on this issue get heated (way too often, sadly), because a lot of people are very emotionally invested in the path they have chosen. But I don't think this one got that way at all. I know that I was not mad at anyone, and I hope that no one thought I was, or took offense at my POV.

Kehleyr, I think it is too. The discussion was great and I did learn a lot which was the reason for asking the question, my worry was that it would get heated and people would having a go at each other, which happily they didn't.

The way I look at things is if I don't understand something then I will ask the question and hopefully get some help which I have done.

:hugs: Anna x

[cindianna_jones]

I've lived as normally as possible for the past 20 years. In the beginning, everyone knew about my past. But as the years came and went and as I've moved all over the place, fewer people around me know. It's not like I hide it very well. But I just don't have the occasion to talk about it. I haven't told my doctor yet and I've been seeing him for two years! I suppose I should but he won't let me get a word in edgewise.

My husband knows and I hide nothing from him. My family knows and I still maintain contact with them. But in my day to day life, it's pretty much a non issue. I live in a very red neck area. I'm not sure how well the news would be received. I have friends who I've known for 10 plus years who I have not told. And I have lifelong TS friends that I maintain contact with.

I truly believe that everyone needs to find the life they are most comfortable with. To each her own. We aspire to be women. I see no problem if someone wants to live as one and not a lifetime TS.

This subject always brings strong emotions. And I don't know why. It's not like we have a community as do gay and lesbian people. Really.... there is no TS community. We are few and far between. And when we have surgery, most of us disappear. What sort of community is that?

Cindi

[AmberTG]

"This subject always brings strong emotions. And I don't know why. It's not like we have a community as do gay and lesbian people. Really.... there is no TS community. We are few and far between. And when we have surgery, most of us disappear. What sort of community is that?"

Now, this really gets a person to thinking, doesn't it? Cindi's right , you know.
Gays are gay forever, hard to live a "normal" lifestyle that way, too visible, thus the gay community. However, TS people, MTF TSs anyway, tend to fade into the company of womanhood, usually no longer having obvious issues with fitting in, they don't have to be visible, thus reducing the need for a TS "community". It seems to me that most of the TS community is people either before or during transition. Just some thoughts on the subject.

[Siobhan Marie]

Amber and Cindi, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to this, everytime I read the replies I learn a bit more about this.

Ladies, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much for talking the time to reply to this. I have learnt such a lot and it has produced a lively discussion which is always good. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

:hugs: Anna x