This just kills me

[kerrianna]

As some of you might know, I run sound and lights at a nearby theatre. Although I have worked many of these shows over the years, today while rehearsing a local dance school show, I was in such deep emotional pain it was all I could do to keep from crying in the booth. I sometimes wish I had never opened this Pandora's Box. :sad:

What really killed me was watching the girls (aged 4-18) enjoying being together, being dressed in gorgeous costumes, expressing with freedom and joy their bodies. Watching the youngest ones really hurt. I just kept thinking that that should have been me when I was young. I was so close in some ways. I feel angry and bitter that with me the Creator stopped halfway and only gave me a skinny, tall body, and a girl's brain, but with the wrong genitila. Because of that I never got to be one of the girls. Sure I got to play with them, hang out with them... but I was always a 'boy'. I didn't even have a sister I could vicariously live through, probably one of the reasons I eventually submerged and numbed my original nature.

I'm happy, in some ways, to have rediscovered it, because it has made a lot of things better, at least in my attitude towards life and myself, but it causes me some pretty significant pain, like a knife deep inside getting twisted. I think the thing that really hurt today was feeling like I got ripped off by not being able to grow up as a girl. I would gladly take on all the crap that women have to put up with, just to have that chance to live the way I should have.

I spent the whole day in a room full of women and girls. And gorgeous costumes. You'd think that would have been heaven, but I just felt like an outcast...and I don't feel male at all. The few men that were there just seemed so alien to me. It left me feeling very very alone. :sad:

I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make me feel better.
This is what I am, even if I thought I could handle transitioning it wouldn't give me what I really want: a fresh start.

Maybe next life. :(

On the plus side, when I told Carol about how I felt she was great. She didn't judge me or freak out, she just suggested I should probably switch to a counsellor who specializes in gender ID. That means out of town, and maybe out of pocket, but she's right - I need to look into it. This isn't getting better...it's getting rawer and more painful all the time.

[CaptLex]

I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make me feel better.
I was thinking the same thing, sweetie. I don't know how to make the hurt go away, but I offer you a shoulder to cry on and all the hugs you need. :bighug:


This is what I am, even if I thought I could handle transitioning it wouldn't give me what I really want: a fresh start.

Maybe next life. :(
It's kind of funny that I see it the other way around for me. I used to say, "In my next life, I'm coming back as a boy again". The day I decided to transition was a very happy day because I realized I wouldn't have to wait till the next go-round.

BTW, Carol is really great. Hang in there, hun. :hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

Hello my friend

You can't get back what once was or what you never had, that's just the way things are. I know how you feel, I'll always feel I was cheated, and I'll always mourn over what should have been and wasn't...to bad, so sad.

The thing is this, and always remember it and keep it in your heart...it's never to late for a fresh start, even if you only have one day left on this earth, you can make it a new one. I'm 54 and just going for SRS and my fresh start, the important thing is to not waste the time we have left, you only need one night for a dream.

Karen

[Kate Simmons]

I know the fellings so well Kerri. What changed my viewpoint is that I realized everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be. What we feel just gives us so much more appreciation for who we are and maybe who we should have been. Everything happens for a reason and I know for a fact if I hadn't been who I am, I never would have met such great friends as I have here and never would have known just how much we care for one another. It would have been another time, another place but this is our time and our place, right here, right now.:hugs:

[MoonBaby GG]

The thing is this, and always remember it and keep it in your heart...it's never to late for a fresh start, even if you only have one day left on this earth, you can make it a new one....the important thing is to not waste the time we have left, you only need one night for a dream.
Karen


Beautiful and I agree.

[Rita B]

Oh that brings back memories. When I was in prep school ( it was a boys only prep school) the drama group put on " The Mikado" for a play. At the time I was trying real hard to promote my macho side , playing football and such. Of course my feminine side always lurked silently in the background. Did I forgot to mention that all the female parts were played by boys. Well, the night the played opened, all these pretty little geishas pranced out on the stage singing etc... Oh how I wished that I had been up there with them, all made up and dressed in those beautifyl geisha costumes. Oh yes. . . .I do remember!:hugs:

Rita B

[MJ]

kerrianna

i feel for you hon. thats how i felt for most of my life . but too scared to admit it, too afraid to pursue it .. being jealous of every woman i met because i wanted to be her Evan the woman i see everyday god i had it so bad and you know you have friends here that love and understand you ....
you my friend will never be alone as you have all of us here the best thing you can do is enjoy what you have now to the full

hugs Marissa

[GypsyKaren]

My earliest childhood memory...I was 3 years old and playing dolls with my best friend Sally. I remember thinking I was just like her, that I wished I had pigtails like her that were tied with pretty ribbons, and I was happy...then it was all taken away from me.

After that came only sadness...I was forced to play with the boys instead, and do boy things that I could never get or keep up with or enjoy. All I wanted to do was play hopscotch and jacks with the other girls, and to wear a rollerskate key around my neck like they did...funny thing was I didn't even know how to skate at all. My parents thought they were teaching me the right thing, but all it did was cause me to lock myself away deep inside and learn about sadness and fear...thank you, thank you so very much.

Karen

[pocoyo]

As some of you might know, I run sound and lights at a nearby theatre. Although I have worked many of these shows over the years, today while rehearsing a local dance school show, I was in such deep emotional pain it was all I could do to keep from crying in the booth. I sometimes wish I had never opened this Pandora's Box. :sad:

What really killed me was watching the girls (aged 4-18) enjoying being together, being dressed in gorgeous costumes, expressing with freedom and joy their bodies. Watching the youngest ones really hurt. I just kept thinking that that should have been me when I was young. I was so close in some ways. I feel angry and bitter that with me the Creator stopped halfway and only gave me a skinny, tall body, and a girl's brain, but with the wrong genitila. Because of that I never got to be one of the girls. Sure I got to play with them, hang out with them... but I was always a 'boy'. I didn't even have a sister I could vicariously live through, probably one of the reasons I eventually submerged and numbed my original nature.

I'm happy, in some ways, to have rediscovered it, because it has made a lot of things better, at least in my attitude towards life and myself, but it causes me some pretty significant pain, like a knife deep inside getting twisted. I think the thing that really hurt today was feeling like I got ripped off by not being able to grow up as a girl. I would gladly take on all the crap that women have to put up with, just to have that chance to live the way I should have.

I spent the whole day in a room full of women and girls. And gorgeous costumes. You'd think that would have been heaven, but I just felt like an outcast...and I don't feel male at all. The few men that were there just seemed so alien to me. It left me feeling very very alone. :sad:

I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make me feel better.
This is what I am, even if I thought I could handle transitioning it wouldn't give me what I really want: a fresh start.

Maybe next life. :(

On the plus side, when I told Carol about how I felt she was great. She didn't judge me or freak out, she just suggested I should probably switch to a counsellor who specializes in gender ID. That means out of town, and maybe out of pocket, but she's right - I need to look into it. This isn't getting better...it's getting rawer and more painful all the time.

Awwwww poppet :( *gives her a tight long, strong hug*

I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible.
Don't forget you did have a really late night the other day and sometimes when that catches up with us it REALLY affects our mood... and stuff we usually would have handled well, or better, or differently, we get really down about. (Not to mention you're really tired from working very hard lately).

Sometimes, things need to get a little worse before they get better. But when they get better, we are so glad we went through the harder bit, because the new bit is so much better & happier than the original stuck bit.
Sorry I'm a bit thick today so it's hard to make sense, but hopefully you will get the idea.

I think you are doing all the right things, it's lovely that Carol is so supportive. (It's great that you are both there for each other and so loving). Yes perhaps a more gender specialised counsellor could be a good idea if you feel you're ready.

A lot of people here have felt very similar stuff at some stage. We feel your pain and we will help you bear it.

Don't worry, I know.. I KNOW... that if you get some really good nights' sleep, some nice light exercise, and eat really healthily, then in a week or so you will feel so much better. Trust me, I'm a Poctor.

Don't really know what else to say, apart from don't you worry, you'll be ok, and we all love you lots. You rock, so don't you dare give yourself a hard time. :hugs: :love:

[Siobhan Marie]

The thing is this, and always remember it and keep it in your heart...it's never to late for a fresh start, even if you only have one day left on this earth, you can make it a new one. I'm 54 and just going for SRS and my fresh start, the important thing is to not waste the time we have left, you only need one night for a dream.

I agree with Karen, she is so so right, Kez, you've got to do what's right in your heart and whats right for you. We all have. You've got one life and you've got to live that life the best way that you can. You're so so lucky to have Carol, look after her honey. (goes over to Kez and gives her a big hug and a kiss) :love: and loads of :hugs:

:hugs: Anna x

[Sarahgurl371]

What really killed me was watching the girls (aged 4-18) enjoying being together, being dressed in gorgeous costumes, expressing with freedom and joy their bodies. Watching the youngest ones really hurt. I just kept thinking that that should have been me when I was young.

I spent the whole day in a room full of women and girls. And gorgeous costumes. You'd think that would have been heaven, but I just felt like an outcast...



Kerrianna I totally get it, and feel sorry that you too feel like this. This certainlly isn't easy, ever. It is one of the things I cannot reconcile. The fact that even if I were to transition, I would never get that past. I would never have had those experiences that help shape personalities, my personality, my being, into what I want most - to just be a normal girl.

My wife and I where out with friends not too long ago and the other wife was talking about the children in the family. They are have 4 children between them from previous marriages, and included thier nieces and nephews for a weekend. Anyway, the boys and girls are at the age when the parents start to seperate and instill those defining notions about what boys and girls do.

She said, "The men all went to the hunting camp and did the man stuff, whatever it is they do, and the girls all stayed home and played with makeup and played dress up, baked cookies, and had an all gilr weekend." "We had so much fun, the girls all loved it."

I am sitting there, in a bar, with a friend I have known since 4th grade and his wife who know nothing about all this with me, and my wife who knows what I am going thru (and ins't thrilled). In a matter of two seconds I went from panic when the conversation turned to "gender" things - to my heart sinking when she described the "girls" weekend. All the while having to try and pretend I have absolutely no interest in what she is saying because then my friend might think I am not a guy. 35 years old and still worried about what the guys would think about me.

I am not sure I will ever get past this. I have been stuck here for several years now.

So I wish you the best in getting past this "phase" or whatever it is.

[false_dichotomy]

I just had something like that happen to me yesterday, actually. I went to my sister's high school graduation, and I saw all these young men, younger than me, who were having fun with their guy friends, some with long hair, their voices broken, etc... It tore me in two. Especially when my younger cousin, who came to see my sister graduate... he is 13 years old, and has a deeper voice than me. Last time I'd heard him speak, proabably over a year ago, he had this really high voice. After hearing his voice, I literally had to step outside and punch a few things. There really are no words to express that feeling-- that this is how your childhood and adolescence should have been, that you somehow missed it. I so regret not coming out sooner. I came out to 2 people in high school, and that's all.

And to add to all that, I ran into one of my old teachers who I used to have a horriffic crush on, only to find that I still have a horriffic crush on him. :/

[kerrianna]

Thank you everyone. :hugs: I was wrong...you did make me feel better. I want to respond more fully but I'll have to do that later.

Right now I'm off to the dance show. I'll try to enjoy it for what it is and where and who I am, instead of sobbing in the booth. Might alarm the parents. :p

:hugs::love:

[Kate Simmons]

That's nice Kerri. Even if I couldn't participate personally, it would do my heart good to know the kids are enjoying being themselves and while it's not exactly the same thing, I could join in the "spirit" of things in my own way knowing they are free to be themselves.:happy:

[AmberTG]

Just a quick note here. My therapist is always telling me to stop living in the past. She says that living in the past takes up so much of your mental energy that you have none left for the here and now and I know she's right. When I'm in the shoulda woulda coulda mode, that's when I'm the most depressed and worn down. When I break that cycle, I always feel better. I know it can be hard to steer yourself away from the past sometimes, but you can't change it so don't let it affect your future too.
Personally, I'm getting better at catching myself dwelling in the past and directing myself to the now or the future, but then, I have some things to look forward to now and that makes it easier

[kerrianna]

I really appreciate the hugs and support folks. :hugs: I'm usually pretty good handling most of this, but every now and then it just sneaks up on me and wallops me.

Capt Lex, Karen, Anna, thank you for the encouragement that it's never too late. I do feel that it is too late sometimes, but you're right. There are a lot of options available these days, and I should at least examine them a bit more carefully to see if they seem right for me. I think fear is holding me back, but a lot of it is based on ignorance.

I think I realized for the first time last night that I do have a partner who is willing to help me find my place in the world, as long as we can do it together. Before I couldn't imagine her being willing to handle it, and I don't know for sure, but at least I know it's something we can discuss with best intentions for each other.

Salandra... that WAS beautiful, and so true. I'm usually pretty good at being on that page, but like I said... somedays it just sneaks up on you.

Like you say, Amber, living in the past just takes up energy and wears you down, and I've done my share of that. I too am trying to be aware of not doing it.

I think you're right Poctor :heehee: , I AM tired and vulnerable, and that doesn't help. But looking after yourself is so boring. Okay, okay, Poctor... I'll try to do better. Thanks for cheering me up. :hugs:

Thank you folks for sharing some of your memories too. Even though I have felt very alone in my life, I see that there are others, people I love and respect, who have gone through, and are going through, similar things. It is in some ways a gift, and I usually try to see it that way. Sometimes the longing thing just overwhelms.

Tammy, I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm in nowhere land (making all my nowhere plans...oops sorry, starting singing the Beatles) between the guys and girls. I KNOW where I fit, but THEY don't know it, so I kind of sit on the sidelines. Done that my whole life.

I'm trying to break that by NOT CARING what people think. It's not easy, but I'm doing a bit when I can, like remarking on how pretty a costume is or just joining in a GG conversation like I was one of the girls. Because I am. I don't care what the guys think. I never had cared much about that I guess. Didn't make me too popular with them (they think you're after their women :rolleyes:), but :tongueout to them. The guys I like as friends are cool with the way I am.

Aww Neil. :hugs: Don't hurt yourself punching things. At least all I do is cry....although I guess I could have shorted out the lighting board. :eek:
OMG you still have a crush on your teacher. You poor sap. He must be cute huh? :battingeyelashes:


So today was better, mainly because I was too busy to be melancholy, and I was thinking what you said today Salandra... that I was helping these girls enjoy that part of their lives. They did a slide show of all the kids and I did get some pangs during that, esp wth a couple of the red-haired girls who reminded me of how I kinda looked at that age. But overall I was happy being in the now. I got to hang out in a very nice way with some of my good GG friends in the dance community. I realized how glad I am to feel so at home with them. I just have to keep on working on the 'OMG what will people think?' thing of me being much more feminine around them.

LOL, the dance teacher asked if her 12 yr old son could sit in the booth with me during the show, as he's interested in technical theatre. I think she thought I would make a good male role model for him. :heehee:

And I do. Helps balance what he gets at home. Apparently his dad is incapable of actually describing a feeling. Nice guy...just very emotionally inarticulate.

I realized today that I am very lucky to have what I do. My jobs still revolve much more around women, my partner seems to understand and support a lot of what I am about (she was researching nearby TG support online while I was at work), and I have a wonderful support network here.

And tomorrow's another day and another 2 shows. I'll enjoy them for what they are. :love:

[AmberTG]

(Apparently his dad is incapable of actually describing a feeling. Nice guy...just very emotionally inarticulate. )

This is quite common among "normal" men. They are never taught those skills as a child. As we all know, usually boys are taught to hide their feelings at a young age. We get especially good at it for self preservation.
"Normal" men almost never share their inner feelings with anybody else.

[Sandra]

The past is the past it can't be changed as much as most of us would like to change something about it, try not to dwell on it it's only going to make you feel worse, look to the future and concentrate on that.

[Sally24]

I too run into those pangs of regret for not being able to grow-up as a girl. I was a very sensitive boy and did play with the girls alot, but that is not the same.

I've been lucky in that I've never been too afraid to hang-out with the girls. When on vacation with other couples sometimes the wives and I go one place and the rest of the men go another. It's helped balance things a little in my life.

If you're not seeing a gender counselor then difinitely you need to find one! Any counseling is generally held pretty close by the insurance industry, they don't ask many questions about it. You really shouldn't have to pay out of pocket for it. If you're worried, find a gender counselor who also does family counseling.

Now that I've come to some kind of acceptance of all this it does make things easier. You can recognize the things you missed, and not be as sad about them. I even try to capture the feel of the female bonding that I have missed. My wife and are able to do a little of that when we are shopping together or on vacation as two woman. My T-girl group even had a slumber party that had a little of the feel for what I think a girl slumber party would have been like.

And you are right. You have alot in your life to enjoy. Take the good you have and amplify it. We can't start over, but we can make a new start. Change what you can and accept the rest is the best advice still!

[The Gas Man Cometh]

I'm so sorry for your hurt. :(

I really wish there was some way to help out, but I suppose if it's any consolation, although I am a GG, I feel I had my childhood taken from me due to violent and sexual abuse. So I try to compensate in recent years to regain that by being in touch with my inner child. [Well to be blunt, act like a baby and dress up like one, and call my GF "mummy." etc]

So, even though it's not the same thing, there is still the same feeling of unfairness.

+Hugs+

[April410]

Kerriana,
:hugs:
April