New, again, and in quest of answers.

[TerryTerri]

Hello All,
I joined here some time ago. But, didn't stick around for long until I dropped of the planet. My spaceship, forunately, just brought me back.:D

Anyway, I'm 47 and was born male. I've had numerous cross dressing 'issues', on and off, since I was a child. Never thought of myself as being in the wrong body. When I didn't feel too ashamed I did some cross dressing stuff. I had a short period of time hwere I was truely able to start exploring this part of me. Unfortunately, that period of time ended up being too brief and, as with most of us, too much money in clothes went into the trash. Good news about that period of time is that I came to realize that those desires inside myself were completely harmless to others so that I shouldn't feel ashamed. I have also, since then come the accept that the cross dressing, femininizing stuff about myself is not something that I can will away. It is a part of me that I can't (and shouldn't) deny. All is sort of well, right? Well......

(First off, I am married, she knows, isn't supportive or condeming, she just wishes it would go away and as I've learned and finally accepted it won't "just go away". For other reasons, our marriage is not in a good place and if we will still be married in a year's time is a big question mark at this point.) Okay, a few weeks ago a new and different thing hapened. Previously my folly has only been pretending to dress as a woman, fantizing about going out in public ( I have yet to do that) and those type of things. Somewhere the actual desire to become a female has developed. I'm not sure exactly when and how it happened. One morning I woke up and realized I had been dreaming of being a woman and then I realized I had been thinking off and on about that for a few days. Since then, my internal, mental world has changed. I no longer loook at women, shoes, clothes, make-up, boobs, genitalia the same. I have been researching what it is all about. What feminizing hormones are about, SRS itself, etc.

I even went to my doctor (actually the female PA that works for my doctor, she's an awesome lady) and took that step with her. WOW. It was not easy and I teared up. But, I told her. She has no experience with transgender stuff so is not able to directly help. She promises to be accepting and supportive though. My next step is to get into counseling. No transgender counselors in my town. Research into my options is the step I am in the process of.
Now then, the thing about all this is that I really do not know how deep this all goes. I never expected to have the honest desire to BE a woman. But, I do, and it is slowly but surely growing. I took that test at the tickle sight that is mentioned on a different thread on this site and scored 80% female. I honestly was not trying to skew the test one way or the other. Something is here. I just don't know how much, how far, etc. I'm hunting, exploring and feeling out all of this. So far, although a little scary (okay maybe a lot kind of scary) it is also exciting. The more I think of being a female, the cooler it seems to be (I know I still have tons to learn).

I have already 'picked' out certain things that just seem natural and right. My name. Currently I'm a Terry witha middle name. It seems right to just drop the middle name and go with Terri. I am proudly left-handed at present. However, I've decided, and it seems natural and proper, that Terri will be right-handed instead. I have been practicing writing with my right hand and my handwriting even looks more feminine that way, go figure. Of course it still need lots of practice. I know I see can see pretty fingernails holding a pen.
My job is one that can be done by either gender so that is not an issue. I also work for a very very very large employer and if it got that far I'm confident my job would not be lost because of this. Anyway, stuff like that is sort of jumpng the gun.

Besides trying to find a counselor I have decided two things. First off, I have put myself on a diet to loose about thirty pounds or so of a food belly ( I don't drink beer so it can't be a beer gut, except that is what it looks like. Not very female). I've never dieted in my life so I am not exactly sure of what my diet is at this point. I am just eating smaller portions, cutting out unneccesary calories and going as non-fat, low-fat and is practical. The other thing is that I am going to let my hair grow out long again. I currently have it basically buzz cut for convience. I have had it long before. Oh my god, I just realized something. I ,as a male, look better with shorter hair. However, I have always felt more like the me I am supposed to be when my hair is long (I've had it long enough to be able to reach around and grab the pony tail.).

Okay, another trait about myself, I am verbose, if you haven't already figured that out.

This is enough for me and an introduction, if you will.
Thanks for being here and letting me see. feel and accept that I am not alone and that whatever I have to deal with will not be something unique and empathy, sincere advice and help is just this forum away.

[dancinginthedark]

:wave: Hi Terri. Welcome to the forum and the family. It's a great place and I know you'll find lots of friendly support here. I'll let the ladies field your questions. :) I'm a GG and while I sometimes offer advise I don't feel qualified this go round.

dancin

[Daintre]

Hi Terri, glad to see you come back to the Forum, we have an awesome area dealing with what you are going through, take some time and explore and then post. Good luck with your quest.

[Angie G]

Hi Terry welcome back to the family enjoy your stay :hugs:
Angie

[Samantha B L]

Hi Terri,It's nice to meet you.Greetings and welcome.Salu,Yours,Samantha

[Holly]

Terri, I moved your thread to the Transsexual section as it seems the questions that you have might be better better addressed in this forum... and you already have posted an introduction in the New Member section ;). Best wishes on your journey.

[GypsyKaren]

Some of the things you say concern me, so what I'm going to tell you may not be what you want to hear. First of all, it is imperative that you find professional guidance, this whole business is confusing enough as it is, and it sounds like you already have a head start.

What really raises red flags with me is your stating that you've never felt you were born in the wrong body, and that the desire to become a woman has developed. For most of us TS's, the feeling of being trapped in the wrong body has been ingrained in us for most, if not all of our lifetimes. We just didn't wake up one morning with a desire to be woman, that's how we've always felt about ourselves.

You say the more you think of being a female, the cooler it seems. Cooler? This is not a cool lifestyle, it's life, period. Most of us have spent countless years in a battle of acceptance, mostly all uphill. Those of us who have or are transitioning will tell you that all of this takes a tremendous amount of commitment and strength, there is certainly nothing cool about it.

I am not trying to deride you here, that is never my intent. It's just that I've seen so many over the years get so wrapped in the clothes and the look and the fantasy, that they start to see things that aren't really there, it becomes something they want to see. Another thing I'll tell you is that all "internet" gender tests are nothing but a bunch of hooey, any professional will tell you that right off. Stop and think about it for a sec, why would you believe or base anything you think from a test you found on a site named "Tickle", I mean really.

Anyway, find someone to talk to about this, and be honest with them and yourself...I hope you find your answers.

Karen

[Siobhan Marie]

Some of the things you say concern me, so what I'm going to tell you may not be what you want to hear. First of all, it is imperative that you find professional guidance, this whole business is confusing enough as it is, and it sounds like you already have a head start.

What really raises red flags with me is your stating that you've never felt you were born in the wrong body, and that the desire to become a woman has developed. For most of us TS's, the feeling of being trapped in the wrong body has been ingrained in us for most, if not all of our lifetimes. We just didn't wake up one morning with a desire to be woman, that's how we've always felt about ourselves.

You say the more you think of being a female, the cooler it seems. Cooler? This is not a cool lifestyle, it's life, period. Most of us have spent countless years in a battle of acceptance, mostly all uphill. Those of us who have or are transitioning will tell you that all of this takes a tremendous amount of commitment and strength, there is certainly nothing cool about it.

I am not trying to deride you here, that is never my intent. It's just that I've seen so many over the years get so wrapped in the clothes and the look and the fantasy, that they start to see things that aren't really there, it becomes something they want to see. Another thing I'll tell you is that all "internet" gender tests are nothing but a bunch of hooey, any professional will tell you that right off. Stop and think about it for a sec, why would you believe or base anything you think from a test you found on a site named "Tickle", I mean really.

Anyway, find someone to talk to about this, and be honest with them and yourself...I hope you find your answers.

:iagree: with Karen on this. I've nothing more to add to it.

:hugs: Anna x

[Stlalice]

I'm 100% with Karen on this in so far as getting yourself into counseling is concerned. As for the late start/blooming of your feelings there is a possibility that you are what is referred to as a "late onset" transsexual. Not common but not unheard of either. One close girlfriend of mine who started out at approximately your age didn't have a clue as to why she felt as she did - it was only after years of therapy that she and her therapist figured out she was TS - she has since completed transition and SRS and is now living in the upper midwest.

At this point since your greatest need is to get into therapy and start figuring out what and who you really are - the only assistance I can offer you is if you will let me know what major metro area is close to your location I'll check the professional listings of the IFGE and forward any names that are close to you. Here in the midwest it isn't at all unusual for someone to drive 1 to 3 hours one way to find a good therapist that specializes in gender issues and that is what/who you need at this point. Hang in there kid - good luck and stay in touch. :2c:

[Seville]

I totally agree with Karen.

Take it easy, Hun.

[ToyGirl]

Hi Teri ,

Ive come across a couple TS than had never crossdressed and 'decided' they were TS in there 50's , Take it slow , see some therapists.

And yeah the online gender tests are nothing worth basing any assumption off.

Take care.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Teri,

On line gender tests are less than worthless. They can be dangerously misleading.

I agree with you that finding a gender therapist is of utmost importance. Right now, you may have a very unrealistic view of what lies ahead. Most trangendered women don't have a desire to be female, they know they are female. You really need some professional help to sort this all out. Gender therapists are more common than you may think. The TG phenomenon is pretty wide spread and it's hard to become a therapist these days without having at least some exposure to a TG client.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Shellybean]

karen nailed it

[TerryTerri]

Hello All you wonderful Souls.
I apologize that I do not have the time to respond individually to your posts. Please know that this does not mean I appreciate them any less. Oh btw, the computer I am usually on has some 'keyboard' issues. This post should not be quite so typo'd as the other.
GypsyKaren and the other girls who posted concerns, I share them too. Although perhaps my word choice in "cool" may not have been the most correct term, my intent was to describe that as feminizing things bounce around my mental and emotional innards, they seem comfortable and pleasing. Something like that, I see how my word choice might raise a flag.
I have EVERY intention of seeking the best professional counseling that is within my practical disposal. This is not a game, that I know. Ooops, gotta go.
Okay, I'm back, sort of. As I was saying, I have no intention of bypassng common sense and good solid experience laden advice. In example, as tempting as it has been to purchase and take some of the OTC Estrogen and Progestoren type products. I have not because the prevailing wisdom strongly states from it is a basic waste of time and money, to that is is actually a bad idea that could have bad consequences. So, if it is to proceed that far, I'll wait till I get an honest prescription.

This I know, I have a desire and urges to wear woman's clothes. I have a desire and urges to be a woman. From that point on, I have some figuring out to do. I strongly believe that my association with this site will help greatly. If nothing else, you and this site comforts me in that I am not alone and I do not have to feel like I'm a freak or something. I see others, on this site, going through a rather broad spectrum of issues and situations and doing so with grace, respect, style, courage, a strong conviction to be oneself and last but not least doing this with humor and good nature. I find those traits to be rather attractive and I hope that I am able to work and trudge through my issues with all of this with a similar head held high disposition.
(oh yea, I also want BOOBIES!!!, I've wanted those my whole life. That is very clear and an undeniable desire of mine!! )
Thanks all, please keep any and all comments, concerns and the like coming. I'm a recovering alcoholic and understand intimately the importance and value of being given honest feedback that you need to hear and not what you wish to hear. I'll opt for the first, because by golly I CAN handle the truth (might take a little while to set in thoguh).
Thanks Again all,

[MistressWickedness]

OK I too still agree with Karen, but also you said their were other marital problems, I'm concerned that these "new" feelings of wanting to be female may be a result of some other underlying problem. And strongly suggest you find a good therapist specializing in TG issues, most regular therapist' understanding of our issues is rudamentary at best. When I was in college most of my professors had me get up and teach the class when we got on any Transgender issues, because this was one of my major areas of study, and as they said who else could do this subject justice, then someone in this life. But allas most universities do not have this option.

[MJ]

i am with Karen 100% here i just want to add something for the record

why on earth would you now think that you want to be a woman as Karen said this is something we have know since we were very young and this is something i would not wish on my worse enemy .. i know you are looking for answers but god who would want this 2 1/2 years full time now for me and it's not easy at all ...
get all the family together and tell them all at once you what to become a woman and watch them run like you have the plague and then transition on your own ...
seek help my friend and if you have gender identity disorder then we are here to help and support you... but from what you have told us i don't think so

[Sharon]

This I know, I have a desire and urges to wear woman's clothes. I have a desire and urges to be a woman. From that point on, I have some figuring out to do. I strongly believe that my association with this site will help greatly. If nothing else, you and this site comforts me in that I am not alone and I do not have to feel like I'm a freak or something. I see others, on this site, going through a rather broad spectrum of issues and situations and doing so with grace, respect, style, courage, a strong conviction to be oneself and last but not least doing this with humor and good nature. I find those traits to be rather attractive and I hope that I am able to work and trudge through my issues with all of this with a similar head held high disposition.
(oh yea, I also want BOOBIES!!!, I've wanted those my whole life. That is very clear and an undeniable desire of mine!! )
Thanks all, please keep any and all comments, concerns and the like coming. I'm a recovering alcoholic and understand intimately the importance and value of being given honest feedback that you need to hear and not what you wish to hear. I'll opt for the first, because by golly I CAN handle the truth (might take a little while to set in thoguh).
Thanks Again all,

I've stayed out of this discussion because, by the time I first read it, my thoughts had already been written by others. But, if it helps at all, Terri, add me to the list of those imploring you to speak with a qualified gender therapist and -- please! -- be patient in finding the answers you seek. This is a difficult and complicated road you are traveling on and there are so many ways to get detoured and misdirected.

I can not claim to represent the thoughts of all transsexuals(no one can because we are all different), but the belief that we are born of the wrong body is such an instinctive one that we do not question it -- it is just there. It may take awhile for some of us to accept the truth, and even longer to figure out what to do with it, but once we do there is no doubt at all.

Be patient, find yourself a good therapist no matter how many you need to see to find the right one for you, and just be honest and willing to accept whatever truth you discover. Transsexuality is not a prize, nor is it a goal one should strive for at the expense of reality.

Good luck! :happy:

[GypsyKaren]

Terri, I sincerely hope that you don't feel like we're ganging up on you here, that is not our intent. You're going about this the right way by seeking professional counseling, so let that take it's course and see where that leads. Perhaps you'll find the answers you seek, but in the meantime feel free to come here if you have any questions.

It's entirely possible that you could be a late onset TS, who's to say? And one more point I'd like to add..I'm not going to downplay the difficulties of transition, it's a tough road to be sure, but it's not all bad, in fact I've found it to be the most wonderful experience of my life. Everyone faces it differently, but don't be afraid if it's something you decide is for you, after your counseling of course...please take care, and you can always PM me if you'd like if you have any questions, I'm always here.

Karen

[kerrianna]

Hi Terri, I'm glad you are being forthright in your descriptions of your feelings. I think the feedback here has been and will be very useful, not just to you, but to others who feel like you do. It's something I'm going through too, trying to figure out what the my truth is and how to acheive that.

There are very many different ways of being, and no one way works for everyone. What is important is taking your time and moving with your eyes wide open. Most of transitioning changes are not easily reversed and a lot of it sounds pretty gruelling. I don't envy anyone who has to go through everything, but I do envy their happiness in the end.

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I need to move on to a gender specialist and there isn't one in my community...but this thing is obviously at my core and I need to find a way to live with less confusion and pain. But I think the girls here are very supportive and helpful and you should get a pretty good idea of what transitioning DOES entail from their personal stories.

Sharon said it best: It's not a prize. Sometimes it almost seems like it because it seems like a solution, a finality. But life isn't that simple, nothing is black and white. It's hard to feel comfortable when you find yourself somewhere in mid stream, but if that's where you are then that's where you are. I think some of us, including myself, wish we could say with certainty that "yes this is what I am, and this is what I must then do." But I know that I am not that certain. That's why I need to move slow and carefully and not be fixated on outcomes. Actually, the journey itself is pretty liberating, although scary and painful some days.

Remember you are a unique individual and it's your life, so do what you feel you need to do for yourself. Just be honest with yourself and keep checking things as you move along.

:hugs::love:

[melissaK]

Hello All, ... I have put myself on a diet to loose about thirty pounds or so of a food belly ( I don't drink beer so it can't be a beer gut, except that is what it looks like. Not very female). I've never dieted in my life so I am not exactly sure of what my diet is at this point. I am just eating smaller portions, cutting out unneccesary calories and going as non-fat, low-fat and is practical.

Funny how TG awakening often includes rebuilding our body into an image we like. That image is different for each of us. Perhaps its one we liked in the past . . . like how good we looked and felt when we let our hair grow long in college, or how we looked in our big sisters prom dress in high school. And for all the difficulties being TG entails we let that self image slip away.

I renewed my interest in my TG appearance last fall and have steadily lost weight. I am not real big, 5'7'' and in college I weighed 145. And I looked great in size 5/7 jeans. Last September I decided I wanted to be there again. Last September I was 173lbs. Today I am 147lbs. Mission is almost accomplished. My reward is some clothes shopping on my birthday in August.

It's taken eating light & smart. I live on Starbucks coffee, black; real fruit for all snacks & my lunch (hey, when the Slim Fast diet says you can have fresh fruit for a snack anytime, I listened); substitute steamed veggies or fruit for fries/potatotes at all restaurants; raisen bran for breakfast. And, I keep a mental inmage of the skinny girl I am in my heart, and I eat like a skinny girl.

hugs
'lissa

[TerryTerri]

Hello All,
Sorry I've been unable to answer any posts recently. I work two jobs and I am unable to access this web site at either job. So, it is not everyday that I am able to come here, read and post.
Anyway, for the most part I sincerely appreciate the feedback and advice I have been given. I am not exactly thrilled with some of the feedback that appears to be a smidgen negatively judgemental. Probably just the way I am perceiving it. In so many ways written words are much less clear than face to face verbal communication The advice concerning seeking professional help, taking my time and that feedback I appreciate and I am trying to follow it. As I have stated before, I know this is not a game. Regardless of what has brought on the recent developments for all of this within myself, it undeniably exists. Things have calmed down some and my emotions are not quite so intense. But, something in my world has changed. I now have a conscience desire to become a female. What the heck I do with that and where do I go from here is what brought me to this site.
I also appreciate the welcome. Unfortunately, this is not a matter that can be discussed with the vast majority of the 'normies' out there. Can you image hangin' at the water cooler and bringing up to one of your cubicle neighbors how you had almost lost enough weight to finally fit into that size 8 dress!!! Duh!!! I'm glad a place like this forum exists where I can sort of be a part of this community and get to learn about some of you ladies.
I had a trans guy come into my store today. I wanted to just stop him and say hey I want to sit down and have a cup of coffee with you and get to know you. But, I was really busy and quite frankly I didn't know how to broch something like that without possibly offending him or making him feel stigmatized. Also, it is his private business and could be percieved as rude of me to even imply anything about his transgender state. So, I just treated him the same as every customer and helped him find the CD he was looking for.
Okay enough writing for me for now. I have no new progress to report. I need to call my insurance company and find out about out of town therapist coverage I guess.

[AmberTG]

You sound like a pretty level headed person to me. I hope we see more of you here on the forum.
The early stages of TG awakening are usually pretty confusing and challenging, I think some people tend to forget that. Even figuring out what words to use to describe what you're feeling can be a challenge sometimes, so don't worry too much if you struggle to put your thoughts on the forum.
Stop in when you can, we'll keep the lights on for you.

[AmandaM]

To use some definitions. Let's say you could be one of the three:
1. TV
2. TS
3. TV with TS tendencies

I've been told I'm #3 above. This means, that I "could be" TS, but it's unknown at this point. Therapy can help bring this out. It could be that life circumstances bring out the TS'ism in you, which means you are not truly TS, but only reacting to stress, etc. You must find out if you bend toward TS for life issues, or if you really are TS anyway. Remember, you don't have to decide which you are now, only investigate, and don't commit to it, if you don't know. Then, you could screw up your life for something you thought was true, but wasn't.

[GypsyKaren]

Terri, I really don't think anyone is being judgemental, just trying to explain their feelings based on what you present. The problem with that is words on a screen are one dimensional, so sometimes it's hard to convey your feelings so that others will understand.

I don't know you Terri, so I'm certainly not going to tell you what you feel, only you know that. If you feel that this is a road you must try, I will do my best to give you 100% help and support, I am always here for you.

Karen

[Stlalice]

Terri,
I'll second Karen on this, no matter what - feel free to come here for help, advice and support. Thats why we are here. Don't know about others here but both Karen and I came out and started transition late in life - in my case at 48 years old. We have in many respects been there and done that. Our advice may not always be what you want to hear - but it is based on experience from the school of hard knocks. For me at least you could say I've been there, done that, got the T shirt and burned it - with no regrets. Take care, hang in there, and write when you can. :hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

Terri, I really don't think anyone is being judgemental, just trying to explain their feelings based on what you present. The problem with that is words on a screen are one dimensional, so sometimes it's hard to convey your feelings so that others will understand.

I don't know you Terri, so I'm certainly not going to tell you what you feel, only you know that. If you feel that this is a road you must try, I will do my best to give you 100% help and support, I am always here for you.

Karen

Terri, I'm with Karen on this too and will support her no matter what too. I agree with what Alice said, come here for the help and support that you need, that's what we're her for.

:hugs: Anna x

[Stephenie S]

[QUOTE=TerryTerri;888094]
Unfortunately, this is not a matter that can be discussed with the vast majority of the 'normies' out there. Can you image hangin' at the water cooler and bringing up to one of your cubicle neighbors how you had almost lost enough weight to finally fit into that size 8 dress!!! QUOTE]

Dear Terri,

As a matter of fact, this is exactly how I broke the news to my co-workers. When asked why I was loosing so much weight, I replied that I was "exploring my feminine side" and wanted to be able to wear pretty clothes. The response I got was quite varied. Many people just said, "Yeah, right", obviously not believing me. A few people thought I was immoral, a few people thought I was insane, most people just didn't care, and some people were genuinely interested and caring. Now I can say that most at work are aware of what I am going through. The response of most has not changed much although many more are accepting now that they see I am consistant about this.

Just thought I would let you know how I did it. I think that perhaps my attitude that it was just a matter of fact and not really such a big deal allowed others to be more accepting.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[TerryTerri]

To all here on this site and especially those who posted to this thread. From the bottom of my heart I thank you. Having sort of a tough day emotionally with this and other stuff. I read the most recent open hearted repilies and I am having to hold back the tears right now. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
My ability to come to this site, as I have mentioned before is somewhat limited. But, I am here when I can.