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bellefleur
03-01-2005, 10:34 AM
Hi, I'm a college student from Maine that needs help in making a crucial and life changing decision. I'm giving serious thought to becoming a ******* (BTW, is there a nicer sounding term for that other than "*******"... sorry, I'm not too familiar with terminology :o). I'm not entirely sure if I want it though because I enjoy my masculinity but I also deeply crave femininity and if I can get away with it I'll sacrifice it.

For one thing, I'm not sure if the build I have permits for it. I'm not too tall, around 5'9", but I'm build wide in the shoulders and chest. Does anyone know of any before-and-after sites, photojournals, or other things of that nature that show men of similar builds transform into something prettier and more feminine?

Another thing, I like to lift weights. I heard that hormone therapy makes muscles shrink. This doesn't bother me, but does it also make muscles lose their tone? I don't want all my hard work to go to flab...

My face isn't a big deal because I think my face has pretty unisex features and I'm told I have very feminine eyes ;). And also I don't have a very prominent adam's apple so that could work for me. But I'm curious as to what I'd look like as a female. I was thinking of some experimenting in transvestitism but I don't really want to spend a whole lot of money on breast forms and nice wigs so I was thinking of just buying some women's clothing at walmart or kmart or something but I don't want to go through the embarrassment of trying the clothes on in the clothing room. Is there some sort of guide that I could use to try and size myself from the comfort of my own home?

The aforementioned only deal with the decision, what follows is problems that I'll face if i go through with it.

Since I'm a college student living in the dorms I want to be able to hide my femininity until I graduate. Hiding it from roomates probably won't be a problem as of next school year because It's possible that I'm going to be an RA and will be able to enjoy privacy in my own room, but when I'm out and about I'll want to hide my breasts when I get them, especially when I go to the gym.

Conversely, when I graduate I want to be able to hide my masculinity (or at least the one major aspect of it that's left). I don't want to get rid of it completely because I like to think that I'm "gifted" and that it would be a crime to waste the gift. But I also would want to dress sexy if i went to the beach and sexy/sporty if i went to the gym. Are there methods to hiding my femininity during college and masculinity during life after?

I realize that it's quite a long winded post and I apologize for that but this is a life-changing decision and I feel that a short post would be taking it too lightly.

Music4one
03-01-2005, 02:04 PM
Dear BelleFleur:

I would say that there is not confusion, only the precise thought and where do you want to go with it. As from What I have been told and seen a "*******". Is you have the breasts of a woman and yopu still retain Your Penis. Hence the the Term "*******" Compre' Vous????

Ask all of the other Sisters in "here" Then you will be able top make up your Mind! However don't forget You have to be very determined in what You want. This can't be a Childish thought then acted upon thento have regrets be sure of what you Want then Act!!!

Music4one

Tristen Cox
03-01-2005, 02:07 PM
I wanted to welcome you to the group. Sadly I don't have many answers to your questions, but others here will surely be able to offer more given a bit of time. As far as sizing goes, for your height you shouldn't find things too difficult(I'm six foot and that does cramp things a little). Most websites have sizing charts for what they sell, and each site may vary slightly so make sure you size yourself at each one before you purchase something. In my LINKS page below there are a couple sizing charts that you may find helpful.
Also I don't like the terminology 'she-male' either. Not quite sure what a better way of saying that would be since I'm still new to all the lingo myself. Be patient to get responses here. I'm sure someone else will take notice soon and provide to you some useful information. Again Welcome to the forum :)


Love
Tristen

bellefleur
03-01-2005, 07:36 PM
Music4one:
Okay it's not really confusion so much as it is conflict. I mean sometimes I want to become feminine, yet other times I want to remain masculine. And I don't think that somewhere in between would be good because i'd feel like I was stuck between genders.

Tristen:
Thank you for the warm welcome. The links to sizing charts were quite helpful. I'm going to buy some clothes and try them out sometime soon :)

paulaN
03-01-2005, 08:03 PM
I don't have the answers. but I have carried a lot of baggage when it comes to who I truly am. You are so young, but that is good, and it is good that you ask these questions, I have just come to terms with myself and I'm 47. so you have lots of time. time seems to help the mind answer questions, even a day sometimes lets us make up our minds as what is right for us.I think that goes for anyone. pm me anytime for I must go right now. I'll check back as soon as I can.

Sierra
03-01-2005, 09:54 PM
Hi, you sound very compulsive and less than rational to me.There is no way at this point in time or your life any professional would give you hormones or surgery.After years of evidence that it should happen they will be willing.So wellcome and learn if this is what is what you really are,and in time it could happen if you still feel this way after years of liveing it. :)

bellefleur
03-01-2005, 11:18 PM
I know I'm thinking less than rationally, that's my problem. I can't get a clear picture of what I want and I need some advice and info to help clear it up for me. As far as compulsive goes, I'm not sure what you mean :confused:

EDIT: Oh nm, I didn't see the "whim in the night" thing. No this is more than a whim in the night, I've been thinking about this sort of thing ever since I was 15.

orchard
03-02-2005, 12:00 AM
about your dualality. My male mask has been protecting me ever since I was very little, loved purple, and wanted to wear a dress. That male persona has been with me so long, it has become a part of me. He is cynical, funny, charming, and cerebral. I want to give him a big kiss :D
However, I think if all societal norms dissapeared, I would be out en-femme for the rest of my life.
That said, their is a lot of time and work involved in discovering what sex you really are. My advice, which I am trying to work on myself, is to see a expert in the gender field.
I'm in NH, not terribly far from Maine, who knows, maybe we can take a drive down to boston and see a shrink there...because for some reason I am certain their is a least one in that city.
Anyway, feel free to PM me. I am young a confused too.

bellefleur
03-02-2005, 09:04 PM
Yeah, I definitley need to find myself. I'm going to try crossdressing for a while and see if I want to take it further than that, keep it at that point, or continue on the masculine path.

But I at least managed to establish in the last couple days that if I decide to become a ******* I'll wait until after college so I can scoop some cash together to see a specialist. I was going to simply spend 800 or so on breast and nipple cream and hormone patches from a website... But after finding a couple sites on possible nasty side effects of hormones and one *******'s website on her own troubled and unsupervised progression, I decided that I will need to see a specialist. At this point I really really want to become a ******* but I go into these phases every couple months and then I phase into wanting to be ultra masculine.

One thing that might help me make my decision is that next week there's a bunch of transgender-related events on campus. There's a Lecture/Q&A session about everyday TG life on Monday, a transgendered author discussing her book, and another lecture by a gender specialist on Thursday.

gender_blender
03-02-2005, 11:37 PM
I'm a college student in Maine as well. I go to Orono, which I must say is very accepting of transgender issues. I have considered becoming a "*******", having already taken female hormones for several years. There are some recent pictures of me in my journal in my signature. I assume you are talking about Jenny Boylan talking about her book. She was at my campus again this semester and I had luch with her this time. I had my copy autographed again.

Jasmine Marrie
03-03-2005, 12:08 AM
i'm confused i love dressing as a women and i want to be one oneday but my church frowns on this issue and i could be kick out of the church if found out what should i due ?can any of your sisters give me any advice on this issue?

bellefleur
03-03-2005, 12:44 AM
I'm a college student in Maine as well. I go to Orono, which I must say is very accepting of transgender issues. I have considered becoming a "*******", having already taken female hormones for several years. There are some recent pictures of me in my journal in my signature. I assume you are talking about Jenny Boylan talking about her book. She was at my campus again this semester and I had luch with her this time. I had my copy autographed again.
Yup, that's her. I go to UMF, I almost went to Orono but they wouldn't let me major in what I wanted to major in. Which sucks because Orono is so much closer to home than Farmington :mad:

But UMF is also quite accepting with gay and trensgender issues, they have this gay/straight/transgendered alliance thing on campus but I don't think I'll join it. I'm not much of a joiner of organizations...

I'm surprised that I've met as many New Englanders as I have :)

Music4one
03-03-2005, 01:37 AM
[FONT=Book Antiqua][SIZE=4][COLOR=Magenta]
i'm confused i love dressing as a women and i want to be one oneday but my church frowns on this issue and i could be kick out of the church if found out what should i due ?can any of your sisters give me any advice on this issue?



To Hdoneg as I said in My Opening Statement" Don't let anyone within Your Church, Put You Down. And do Youtrully Understand what I am saying here?????


See You are eventually going to come across that Situation. and You Have to be strong and Admitt to who You are Inside,Do You agree??? See as It stands right Now I don't know where you Hale from but as you Know.resident George Walker Bush is and this is in his All Goodies p[resented to the Voting Public who said" Yes they wanted George Walker Bush to be the President for a Second Term. Remember He was going and he will do it add a admendment to the American Constitution. That will make only Husband &Wife can be married, so please watch out Yes I have a sense that you are not there, however what I am saying is This. If it means coming Out of The Closet. Atleast Have the strenght to do it and not be ashamed of who you are.

See you may hav e taht situation arise and be prepared!! No I don't want to come off as an "Alarmist" Is it not one of the Moto's of the BoyScouts Be Prepared. So take a page out of their book and be so!!!

For me I have been Out since 89, unofficially. Then Officially when I came down to Vancouver British Columbia. I came out and stated that I was a Transsexual. A Woman stuck in this Male Body. I have a letter from My Psychiatrist stating as such that I suffer from a Condition known as Transsexualism. So Yes I am the blocker Spironolacton and the Two Female Hormones Premarin, and Estrogen.
I am Proud of who I am and what I am.

get other Sisters to respond and ask their opinion. I will say this there was a Broadway Play back in the 80ts called La Cage Aux Faux. It was a Musical, and there ia a certain song from the Musical which goes "I am what I am, and I am what I am. How can I be other than what I am"



Sincerely Music4one.

Jasmine Marrie
03-03-2005, 09:15 AM
thank you for the advice muisic4one i'm going to have a tough decision to make but i belive in what i'm am and if that means be kick out of my church than so be it.bush must be stopped.

bellefleur
03-03-2005, 04:09 PM
Well I picked up a copy of Jennifer Boylan's "She's Not There" in preparation for next week...I'm definitley going to read it over the weekend, I skimmed through the first few pages before I bought it and it looks like it could be a good read :D

Virginia
03-08-2005, 04:34 PM
Take it slow! that is my advice!!! Do not jump right into hormones! I and a lot of my sisters here sense a bit of confusion on your part so don't just jump into this all at once.
Let me tell you a little about myself. I am a powerlifter, I hold several world records as well as American and National records. I dress for me and I go out in public and I pass!!!!! I have 18" arms; I squat in the mid to upper 500's; bench press over 400 and I pass. I take great pride in my feminine appearance. I don't just slap on make-up and a dress and head out. You have to be proud of who you are. It will not happen over night it takes practice, just like lifting weights. You don't achieve success overnight - right?? Thrift stores are an ideal place to buy a few clothes for only a few dollars and if they don't fit you have not invested a lot of money, return them or donate them back and get the tax right off. As for the sizes, on the net you can go to various manufactures, Vanity Fair, Bali, Olga, and look at their size charts for bust waist and hips and that will give you the conversion to women's sizes. Don't be bashfull about shopping, I have never been asked what am I doing in the ladies department looking at clothes, more than likely they will want to help and if you say "Well I am looking for a 2X blouse or a size 18 -20 dress." usually they will point them out. In the thrift store you just have to take yoour time and read the labels, if it does not have a label, move on to the ones that do. I have gotten virtually brand new silk blouses that would cost $75.00+ for $3.00 and (get elastic waist band skirts) usually for $3.00 for shoes, I wear a 9.0 to 9.5 men and a 10 - 11 in womens.
Good luck and take your time, you have a lifetime to get to know and enjoy this "gift."
Virginia

DanaJ
03-08-2005, 07:49 PM
Virginia - I posted this in another thread too, but you simply have to post some pix! It would be an inspiration for us girls who don't go out in public dressed to see a girl who passes while en femme.....please?

DanaJ

donnie123abc1
03-08-2005, 09:21 PM
Firstly. Welcome to the forum.
Secondly. No one can decide these answers for you. We can give you our thoughts on the matter but ultimately the choices you make are yours. We've all got choices...so many choices..we have to choice to believe what we want to believe..the choice to stand fast and the choice to be strong...the choice to go alone and the choice to belong. I hope you feel you belong here ,Bellefleur. Welcome home.

Dawn Marrie

kaylia
03-17-2005, 05:03 AM
Hi bellefleur
First of all you should slow down theres no reason to rush into things. You need to do alot of research and reading theres lots of good web sites out there that will teach you alot. And there is alot to learn that is very important. Hormones have alot of side effects(yes they will make your muscles smaller, lower your testosterone level etc. Hormones cause tremendous physical, emotional and psychological changes to a body that has for so long been accustomed to the relatively easy role of being male.
There are many steps you need to go through in order to get hormones. Like many doctor and psychologist visits which they have the say if you can go on them or not.

You sound as though you still are not sure what you want. I think you should just do lots of question asking and research. Take your time hun your young have lots of time. And with having to hide your cd'ing etc from people having breasts is a bad idea unless your coming out completely you can't control how big they will be so you might not be able to hide them. Just take it one step at a time. The fact that you haven;t been out in public etc. there are so many things that you might not want to deal with that you don't know about yet trying to get a job people looking at you different.

I think breast forms would be something i'd try first i think you'll be more then happy with them. After a while dress in full, wig, make-up etc. and all go out to the mall etc. There are alot of things you haven't experienced yet that you need too. Before you make a life altering decission like hormones etc.

I'm in a simular sitution as you hun i'm 26 i'm very happy with life as is. But part of me would like to be full-time TS etc. But i don't want to rush into a decission that i might not be as happy as i'm now so i'm just taking my time and seeing where it goes.

I just think you need to do some more research and take your time. You will learn alot about yourself.

It's really late i'm really tired i hope this makes sense. So its so long. Feel free to pm me with any questions anytime.

Take care and best wishes Kaylia.

crispy
03-17-2005, 06:20 AM
I don't have a problem with the word *******, but a lot of girls think it is degrading because of the porno sites featuring ********.

I had similar confusing ideas to you for years. The idea of having functional male parts plus breasts became overwhelming. At my age (past the half century) it is unlikely that I will ever be in another relationship where that would be a problem. I'm not a 'beach person' and nobody other than my doctor has seen my upper body for years.

Now I have taken hormones for just 2 months, I have (very) modest boobs and can indulge myself. They don't show under loose clothing. I could not get away with wearing a tee-shirt. But I would never have done it when I was younger.

I repeat the advice of others - don't do anything irreversible whilst you are still young and feeling confused. There's a whole life ahead of you. Don't spoil it for the sake of fulfilling an occasional fantasy.

Take care. :cool: