Struggling to tell fiance

[Mikala0589]

I was a late bloomer when it came to crossdressing. I just started like 2 years ago, im 25 y.o. And ever since like the past 2 weeks ive always thought that ill definately keep it from her forever. Well, lately ive wanted to tell her so badly. I mainly crossdress for sexual arousal, and i dont know how to tell her. There is just no way im willing to risk our relationship and future for this. I was thinking, what if i asked her if she wanted to try roleplaying? Then I could suggest switching sexes, me dressing like the girl, and her the guy. I dont really know, im just throwing that idea out there to see if u think it would work or if it'll just get me in trouble. Thanks

[Holly]

You could just tell her the truth and that you would appreciate her help in coming to an understanding of what is is about feminity that you find so attractive in yourself. Just a thought.

[susie bear]

Total honesty is the only way to go. Read some of the other post and see what hiding can do if you are caught or come out later.

Please let her know soon. You won"t regret it.

susie bear

[Sheri 4242]

There is just no way im willing to risk our relationship and future for this. I was thinking, what if i asked her if she wanted to try roleplaying? Then I could suggest switching sexes, me dressing like the girl, and her the guy. I dont really know, im just throwing that idea out there to see if u think it would work or if it'll just get me in trouble.

First, your idea about a roleplaying game could easily backfire. If she says "no" when asked the first question, you're finished with that tact.

Second, when you say you are not willing to risk yor relationship and future over this, it makes me think about myself 35 years ago. We're all different -- and maybe you need a gender specialist counselor to help you sort through this -- but do you want to spend your life denying what you are, muchless hiding it from the one peson you should trust the most?!! Not a judgemnt, just food for thought!

Barbara

[Victoria Anne]

I mut agree with Holly,don't hide this I can only lead to ruin. I came out to my wife of 10 years on our first date,if she is the woman for you she will listen and talk also you need to understand that with many it only starts out sexual as we slowly begin to discover who we are so you need to examine this part of yourself as well. Best of luck...be honest.

[Leah B]

Tell her one way or the other. It's not uncommon for a CD fetish to develop into other CD stuff, and the longer you wait, the more you'll regret it.

[TxKimberly]

I was a late bloomer when it came to crossdressing. I just started like 2 years ago, im 25 y.o. And ever since like the past 2 weeks ive always thought that ill definately keep it from her forever. Well, lately ive wanted to tell her so badly. I mainly crossdress for sexual arousal, and i dont know how to tell her. There is just no way im willing to risk our relationship and future for this. I was thinking, what if i asked her if she wanted to try roleplaying? Then I could suggest switching sexes, me dressing like the girl, and her the guy. I dont really know, im just throwing that idea out there to see if u think it would work or if it'll just get me in trouble. Thanks

I told my wife about being a CD a few weeks after we were married. That was 20 years ago so things worked out well, but . . .
All these years later, now that I have grown up a bit, I still feel guilty for not telling her first.
She deserves to know what she is getting into. As painful as it may end up for you, she also deserves the chance to decide if this is something she can handle or WANTS to handle. SHE deserves it, and also YOU deserve it! She gets the chance to make her choice, and you get the chance to find out up front what might her choice will be - all with out the pain of a failed marriage.

Odds are very good that sooner or later your gonna screw up and she's going to find out. So you can have a hurt and angry wife down the road who may choose to leave you as much for the dishonesty as for the CD, or you can tell her now and go to bed every night with a clear conscience.

Having said that, I DO understand that it's a lot easier for me at 41 to be the forth right about it, and it is a whole other matter for someone in their twenties, but hey, you DID ask for advice.

Kim

[Rachel Morley]

It's a dilemma for sure. In the past, I promised myself to never ever tell a living sole ...ever! I figured no one would truly "get me" or understand it no matter how I presented it. That promise was (of course) the biggest mistake I could have made and I'm so glad I didn't keep it or I would never have met my wife. :happy:

Regarding your situation ... I think you too are in a similar position when you say "ive always thought that ill definately keep it from her forever" but you also say "lately ive wanted to tell her so badly" Perhaps you're having second thoughts because you love and care for your fiancee so much that (rightly so) you simply can't keep something this important from her. If, as you say, your dressing is mainly all about sexual arousal this could be a good or a bad thing in the sense of how you present it. Is she a sexually liberated person? Would she be shocked if you presented it as nothing more than "an unusual sex toy"? I wouldn't recommend going down the "fetishtic transvestite route" unless you are sure you are on solid ground regarding her attitude to sex.

Whatever you decide to do, however you decide to present it. I wouldn't recommend you lie to her. If you are about spend the rest of your life with this woman I think it's important that you be honest with her. Going into a marriage without love and trust being the foundation of the relationship is not a good thing. I've read that many GGs are, more often than not, offended by the lack of honesty and the fact that it was kept from them for so long, rather than the crossdressing itself when they first find out their husband of many years likes to wear women's clothes.

Finally, here's a link to something my wife wrote on the subject from a GGs perspective. It's called:"How To Tell Your Partner". (http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html)

[Di]

Hon.....Just my take................I think you should just tell her...............if like most...it is a part of you and if you keep it from her she will feel betrayed...BUT this is me.....you know her and yourself and I do not. Oh and no games..if you do decide...be honest. Best Wishes on whatever you decide.

[Sheri 4242]

Kimberly is absolutely right!!!


She deserves to know what she is getting into. As painful as it may end up for you, she also deserves the chance to decide if this is something she can handle or WANTS to handle. SHE deserves it, and also YOU deserve it! She gets the chance to make her choice, and you get the chance to find out up front what might her choice will be - all with out the pain of a failed marriage.

Odds are very good that sooner or later your gonna screw up and she's going to find out.

If you don't tell her now, you are making decisions for her that are her's to make! Intimacy is a crucial component of a healthy and vibrant relationship -- and it includes you both being able to share your deepest inner beings with each other. Research the threads on here -- there are so many stories of a wife finding out down the road -- and what does that usually lead to? The wife feeling betrayed down to the core of her being.

[Wendy me]

OK i would tell her .. see i did not tell my wife when we first got together .... 25 years latter she knows but is not totally accepting .... had i told her who knows were we would be right now... don't be 25 years from now saying you should have told her .... do it now.... i know it is not easy but as the years pass it gets harder to do.....

[Daintre]

I have to agree with the majority here. Tell her now and you will not regret it later. The outcome of telling her is that she will accept this or it will be a relationship ender. Your partner deserves the truth, let's face it our most important relationship is built on trust, hiding this and her finding out later, destroys that trust.

I wish this forum had been around when I was thinking of getting married, I do believe because of it I would have acted differently and saved 2 people severe grief.

[Dixie]

The pain and fear of honesty now pales in comparison to the pain and heartache that will come later when it does come out after years of lying and hiding it from her, I have learned that much being on this forum.

[racquel]

Tell her,or years (months) from now you will be answering this question.
"What else have you lied to me about".That one has no good answer.Start the relationship based on honesty and you will be rewarded for it.Good luck.:hugs:

[Kerry Owens]

As often I've said, Lawren told me really early in our relationship. That decision on his part made it possible for me to learn and accept and appreciate the unique person Lawren is. Honesty wins, it's the best way and as often we both have said; tell the truth, gently and give her time to absorb and learn about crossdressing. It is not necessarily the end of the world.

[Toyah]

If you hide it you are just storing up a very quick when she finds out divorce if she does not like it better to know now

[Sheila]

She deserves to know what she is getting into. As painful as it may end up for you, she also deserves the chance to decide if this is something she can handle or WANTS to handle. SHE deserves it, and also YOU deserve it! She gets the chance to make her choice, and you get the chance to find out up front what might her choice will be - all with out the pain of a failed marriage.

Odds are very good that sooner or later your gonna screw up and she's going to find out. So you can have a hurt and angry wife down the road who may choose to leave you as much for the dishonesty as for the CD

:iagree: I found out 2 1/2 years into our relationship and was really angry over the lies and deceipt, and that he thought that I was so shallow as to not see the great person that he is, rather than just the cding ........, and yup she will discover one day, but before she does there will be lots of inconsistancies and clues that make her wonder what the heck is going on, and the pain that those little discoveries and the lies you (no you in particular) tell over them do hurt and hurt a lot.

Good luck in whatever you decide, .......... I am still with my partner 10 months later and love him as more with each passing day

[faltenrock]

Hi Oleskool,

I didn't tell my wife from the beginning - that was a big mistake, which I really regret. She regulary reminds me I should have told her up front.

Yes, we're still together though.

What you can make of that is up to you.

Doreen

[O2B Barbara]

I had a wife that I never shared with untill several years after we were married. Then just came out a bit with the panties ( I had been wearing in secret). Was not a pretty picture! I thnk her biggest problem was she felt betrayed by my secret. From then on I have always made it known from the start of a relationship that I wanted to wear womens under garments & nighties. I never had a relationship end as a result of my underdressing. I don't think that trying to hide something like this would be good for either of you.

[LindaTS]

I think most of these other girls have said it all. I can speak from experience from two marriages and feel you should tell her up front from the start. If she accepts you're way ahead of the game. If not then maybe you shouldn't take the relationship any further. If she does accept this is not to say she won't change later down the road as what happened to my marriages.

[Alex S]

I hide it for the first 6 years of my marriage, of course I was hiding it from myself at the time thinking I could just walk away from it. She was hurt but we are mending and sharing much more now. The truth at the start is the best option.:2c:

[Mikala0589]

Look, I agree w/ all of you that I have to tell her. I just don't know how to do it. Honestly, I'm pretty scared cause I don't want to risk our future together and I just dont even know how to bring it up. I mean, should I tell her that I have to show her something, and take off my clothes and show her that im wearing a thong and thigh highs? How do i do it?

[JulieC]

I mainly crossdress for sexual arousal, and i dont know how to tell her. There is just no way im willing to risk our relationship and future for this.

By NOT telling her, you are risking your relationship and future. Read what many have said above, about the lies and deceit that go into not telling her. You are actively causing harm to the relationship by withholding this from her. Do it NOW before you are married. You'll regret it evermore if you do not.


I was thinking, what if i asked her if she wanted to try roleplaying? Then I could suggest switching sexes, me dressing like the girl, and her the guy. I dont really know, im just throwing that idea out there to see if u think it would work or if it'll just get me in trouble. Thanks

Don't play games that are cover for something else. Be HONEST.

-BB

[Sandra]

I don't think there is an easy way to tell her you just gotta come out with it. Sit her down and explain what you do and try to answer her questions as honestly as you can.



...and take all my clothes off and show her i'm wearing a thong and thigh highs

Don't tke all your clothes off first though ;)

[faltenrock]

I would recommend not to tell her when dressed, take it easy and with care and make very clear you love her.

Doreen

[Tree GG]

OK, all those years ago, had he known what he was and was wanting to tell me how would I have rec'd it best?

I would've liked him to be ready with some examples of "normalcy" in TG or CDing community as I had no clue there was such a thing. CD's or TG's were unusual porn or lady impersonators on stage - Everyone else wanted a sex change operation.

So, get a few "reputable" books. Most have good things to say about "My Wife Betty". But have it available for back-up reference to your story.

Quote the currently accepted theory that TGness comes from hormone wash invitro and is not considered to be an illness to cure by the medical community.

Tell her about the continuum of TGness and where you believe you fall in that range and your thoughts on transitioning.

State, reiterate and repeat many times your sexual preference and how she fits into those desires. And since you state that your dressing is mostly for fetish reasons, explain your ideal of her involvement (or not) when you are dressed.

Tell her how scared you are to tell her but why you feel you must.

Make sure she understands what (if anything) you expect/want as the result of your conversation. And don't make promises you can't keep.

Tell her how you feel, what you know and what you expect/want from her with regards to dressing (subject to comfort levels of course). Do NOT show up dressed as a surprise - ask if she wants to meet/see your femme personna.

OK, that's about it. Had we had that conversation 27+ yrs ago, I think I would've listened and not run screaming. However, I don't think he could have had that conversation. I'm not sure he can now, although he's made some self-awareness progress. Regardless of how open-minded she may be, it's definitely a crap shoot. All you can do is throw the dice out there and hope for the best. Good luck.

[VeronicaKate]

Oleskool

I tried the role play bit a few month ago and she agreed to it, at the time I thought this would be a great way for us to break the ice on the subject, more as us as two woman. Well I was very wrong, the first time I saw my self totaly dressed I was very pleased with my self and felt very relaxed. I, Verinica was free, I could be myself. My wife on the other hand did not like the whole bit, becuase I looked too much like a woman. She did not know my feeling fully, and with her just thinking we were playing she laughed, not becuase I looked funny, but becuase of the situation, This made me feel awful, and hurt, and really embarased, and ashamed. She already knew I wore panties but had no Idea That I wanted more. We basicly lived on the don't ask don't tell policy.

now it was clear she did not take my dressing serious and thought that it was over, but Veronica did not want to go back into the closet. Now I had to come clean, becuase I knew I could not just give Veronica up. Please do not play games or beat around the bush, or you could end up hurting you both. My wife is very understanding lady, and weare working through this.

I also thought that I could go a life time and tell no one and to just live a " Normal Life" who really has a "normal life". Every one has some secret, that they live with every day. Only the brave poeple out there that wish to be free and honest with them selves and with others that really get to live their life to the fullest. Some can not be as free as they wish becuase of their carrer or they do not want to bring stress to their family.

The truth is, CD is a part of you and if you really truely love her, you will be honest and build the trust that a young couple needs to build their bond with each other. If she truely loves you, she will understand and except you, and she will know that with this secret you truely do love her to share and trust her with such sensitive information. But you loved her enough to give her the choice. If she does not want anything to do with it, well there are many woman out there that don't mind and that are excepting, and that will love you for you.

If I had to do it over again, I would have asked he to sit down and tell her that I wished to discuss our future, and tell her how I felt about her, and what my thoughts of what our futur would be. After discusion of us together with a family where our carrers would lead, I would then interject " with all that said, this is why I need to tell you I have a love to to dress in womans clotheing" with silence of shock " I want all those things we have talked about, but I want you to know if you can live with the person that I am" I am sure there would have been more conversation. You got it out on the table you both know what you want out of your relationship, and most important you are free to be who you are, and she made the descision to be with you.

Sorry this was long, but it is very important in a couples life to build their relations on truth. Life is to short to play the cat and mouse games, to only find out that you were not meant to be with each other, and to have to start the process over, going through the process the first time is hard enough.

Good luck, and I hope it all works out for you, think of all the fun if it does, and if it don't time heals your pain, and you will finf the perfect woman for you, so you can be free.

[bobi jean]

All of the advice posted so far is right on!!!!!!!!!!!
Get your facts straight before telling and have a huge amount of information to give her. DO NOT FORCE ANY MORE THAN SHE WANTS, BUT LET HER KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE THEN LET HER CHOOSE WHAT SHE READS.
being new to this forum, I would strongly suggest you put a copy of your post with most of the responses right on top...
I, along with several others, would have had a much easier time of coming out(years after marriage) had we had a forum like this to help us.
Read over all of the responses, combine everything together along with a copy of this, and other information about crossdressing,,,,,,,,, THEN TELL HER.
LIKE IT OR NOT YOU ARE A CROSSDRESSER AND WILL ALWAYS BE ONE OF US, WELCOME ABOARD HON..

[JulieC]

Look, I agree w/ all of you that I have to tell her. I just don't know how to do it. Honestly, I'm pretty scared cause I don't want to risk our future together and I just dont even know how to bring it up. I mean, should I tell her that I have to show her something, and take off my clothes and show her that im wearing a thong and thigh highs? How do i do it?

Not what I would call a recommended course of action. Showing her is not a good idea at first. Talk to her. Discuss the topic in an open, honest manner and be prepared to answer any and all questions she has as honestly as you can.

[Di]

TreeGG....SAID IT ALL............awesome...can't really add to that except to say.......talk....tell the truth.tell her much you love her...have all the info Tree suggested............DO NOT take YOUR clothes off and show her you wearing a thong and thigh highs.

[Tiffany Leigh]

Tell her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Offer information for her to check out in her own time (when ready) Dont bring it up again untill floating little hints and judging her reaction. NEVER PUSH HER TO TALK. It took my wife 5 years to let me explore with her, Be patient!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go shopping as a man, show her how much fun your having shoping and help her find stuff as her best friend and let little glimpses of fem self peek out. Shes probably not interested in being lesbian, but most GG likes to have best freinds, Dont make her feel gay.

[Michelle04240]

When I told my wife it was not an easy subject to bring up. But it had to be done. I sat her down and eased into it a bit. I had my very own panties that very night if that tells you how she took it. I told her what I wanted, and where I wanted to go with it. I also told her what I didn't want (surgery for example). I was still me with a new (to her) hobby. Good luck. Oh yeah...tell her :P

[Holly]

By NOT telling her, you are risking your relationship and future. Read what many have said above, about the lies and deceit that go into not telling her. You are actively causing harm to the relationship by withholding this from her. Do it NOW before you are married. You'll regret it evermore if you do not.



Don't play games that are cover for something else. Be HONEST.

-BBPlease read very carefully what BB wrote above. There is a HUGE amount of truth in those words she wrote. If you do marry, she will find out. And until she does, YOU will harbor feelings of guilt. Guilt and hiding are poor foundations for a relationship that should be based on love, trust, and mutual understanding. The answer to your question on how to tell her is not easy. What it boils down to is that you just have to put on your big girl panties and tell her. Have some information for her, be ready to answer her questions, let her talk and express her feelings without being judgmental, be wiling to discuss compromises.

[Mikala0589]

Now I dont know if ive explained myself well enough at the beginning of this post. And I apologize for ragging on this one issue over and over. I was talking to one of my CD friends on Instant Messanger and I came to a few realizations. I'm never going to be the type of crossdresser that goes out in public, I have no desire for that at all. My passion for crossdressing is pretty much purely a fetish. Everything I do when I'm either thinking about it, or actually dressing up is purely for arousal and I will never want to go out into public (not trying to offend ANYONE who does by the way). So in this instance, what do i do? I know that such a general question but do I still approach the "talk" with my fiance the same way? Or do I explain it during a sexual time between the 2 of us? Thanks

[O2B Barbara]

As all have said above, you do need to be honest and tell her. How is a problem as people react differently to the same situation. She may be totally thrilled to not accepting at all. Since she did allow a role play she is not totally against the idea.

Be carefull about being truthfull to yourself. I started at a young age and dressing eventually became a sexual thing, puberty may have had something to do with that. Since then it is both sexual at times as well as the way I choose to be. While I do not have a wig nor shaved my legs yet I do know it is just a matter of time.

[Dixie]

No matter the situation she needs to know up front, honesty is still the best policy in any relationship!

[Ekatcha]

Now I dont know if ive explained myself well enough at the beginning of this post. And I apologize for ragging on this one issue over and over. I was talking to one of my CD friends on Instant Messanger and I came to a few realizations. I'm never going to be the type of crossdresser that goes out in public, I have no desire for that at all. My passion for crossdressing is pretty much purely a fetish. Everything I do when I'm either thinking about it, or actually dressing up is purely for arousal and I will never want to go out into public (not trying to offend ANYONE who does by the way). So in this instance, what do i do? I know that such a general question but do I still approach the "talk" with my fiance the same way? Or do I explain it during a sexual time between the 2 of us? Thanks
Personally, I fail to see how this really changes anything. Seriously. Your future wife deserves to know you. Not the you everyone else knows, the real you. Honestly, its best you get that out of the way up front than 5+ years down the road. She'll either accept you for who you are, or she wont. If she wont and leaves, then you're apt to be better off in the long run (thought admittedly it wont seem like it).

You might get off on your CDing for now, but that might change later down the line. It might not too, I dunno, Im not you. Point is, I don't personally think that's a good starting point for discussion. I think you're best off being who you are. As someone who's spent his/her whole life being something their not, I'm steadily figuring this out for myself... though not as fast as I'd prefer. Ultimately though, whoever you partner with deserves to know you for who you are, for who you see yourself. They deserve to know all of you. Both you and they can deny that, but that will lead to discontent in the end I fear. Accepting each other for who they are is the only way any of us can be happy I think.

Take it for whats its worth. Be honest. Both you and she deserve that.

~ Eka

[Sandra]

It doesn't matter whether you do it for arousal, fetish or for any other reason it's still best to tell her. Believe me if she finds out on her own you'll wished you had told her.

[Sheri 4242]

Now I dont know if ive explained myself well enough . . . I'm never going to be the type of crossdresser that goes out in public . . . My passion for crossdressing is pretty much purely a fetish. Everything I do when I'm either thinking about it, or actually dressing up is purely for arousal . . . So in this instance, what do i do? I know that such a general question but do I still approach the "talk" with my fiance the same way? Or do I explain it during a sexual time between the 2 of us?

Pardon me for being blunt, but it sounds like you are trying to mittigate things by your particular "brand" of crossdressing. That's understandable, but (and this is a major "but") you are talking on this forum to all kinds of crossdressers, as well as some well-informed GG's. You have been talking to fetishtic CD's, and CD's that want to go out and pass, and some who just want to underdress, and some who want to just dress at home, and even some who are transsexual. In the main, the advice is still the same!!! Honesty and openness are needed, and needed now so if you stand a chance at building a solid life together!!! You must give her what IS hers which is the right to have the information and make her own decisions!!!

((( As an aside, let me interject one thing: your CDing is one thing now and you are thinking that this is all it will ever be. That may be so, but many here can attest that you might find things changing. Just an "FYI" for you to keep tucked away. )))

There is no easy way to tell her, but one thing I would make certain of is that when you decide to have the talk, please make certain that you have the best possible environment for such a talk. You don't want to be limited by time (like after an hour, "oh, sorry, I've got to go") and you don't want to be in a situation where you are going to possibly be interrupted time and again. Another piece of advice: understand that she may NOT understand and she may conjure up all sort of incorrect images. So'ooo, be prepared with appropriate liturature to back up what you have mentally rehearsed that you are going to say!!! Also understand that you must be patient!!! You may have to repeat certain things over and over and over -- but it isn't b/c she is dense, it is b/c she needs to grasp the whole picture and she may need reassurances about what you are talking about!!!!

TreeGG gave you invaluable advice!!!!!!! Memorize it and follow it!!!!!!! On a personal note, I am convinced that TreeGG is right about your preparations including ideas about causation. The hormone bath is as good a place to start as any, so be thorougly familiar with it!!!

One thing that helped my future wife was, in my planning out what I was going to say, I made absolutely certain that I said, and repeated, that it was my opinion (as well as the opinion of a number of medical/mental health professionals) that a distinct part of what she liked about me was b/c I had a feminine side to my very being. It was important to my then future wife to know that, yes, I was a man (and wanted to be a man), but that I had this definite feminine aspect to my being that made up who I was!!!!!!! My wife had NO idea about mtf heterosexual CD's prior to meeting me. Her only point of reference was mainly the comedic roles of CDing she had seen on TV or in the movies. (She also had some passing knowledge of Drag Queens and Female Impersonators, and of having heard of CD prostitutes.) In the main, she was totally unaware of mtf heterosexual CDing. This, in no small part, is why you MUST prepare!!!!!!!

I don't like "games" as a way of introducing the subject, but you know your gf better than we do. In my case, knowing my then-gf (soon to be fiance) and our situation, I admit I did use a gimmick, of sorts. We were dating "long distance." (Lived 2-1/2 hours apart, so saw each other on the weekends; talked and emailed a lot during the week.)

Anyway, once I saw that we were getting "marriage serious," I prepared for "the talk" as comprehensively as possible. I then dropped a few hints in my emails (and while this worked for us, it doesn't mean it is for everybody) about how I really loved the feel of "silky against silky." She then emailed a direct question: what did I mean? So, I emailed her back that, to me, nothing would feel better than if we both were wearing silky nightgowns and thigh-highs -- that I thought such would feel fantastic. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity, then came her reply: well, it did sound like it would feel good and she guessed she wouldn't mind giving it a try. That weekend we bought thigh-highs and matching nightgowns at the mall. I laughingly suggested maybe we should top things off with both of us getting a nice pair of MMFMP high-heeled shoes. My testing of the waters was met with a skeptical okay. After a great dinner out, we went to a hotel suite I had gotten (and where I had pepared a romantic setting -- flowers, wine chilling, candles, soft music playing). We changed in separate rooms, and when she first viewed me her first comment was, "wow -- it takes a real man to dress that way in front of another." Those words are etched on my heart!!!

It was a GREAT evening!!!!!!! We still had to have numerous talks -- and I had to answer and reanswer many questions. BUT, honesty was the best policy. I risked a great deal in coming out the way I did -- it could have been a deal-breaker, for certain. But, in my case, all turned out extremely well -- and I am definitely married to my soulmate and split-apart!!!!!!! Had it been the relationship death knoll, then all I can say is that it would have been better to end it that way than by living a lie!!!

[faltenrock]

As a CD I can much agree
as a CD I feel the need
so whenever I feel free
I'll do what I feel
you also must agree:happy:

[Robin Leigh]

I don't think that Oleskool is trying to mitigate or minimize the style of CDing that (s)he practices. I think Oleskool's saying that because it's purely fetishistic it's harder to discuss because it's more embarrassing to confess to than the simple desire to dress up & look pretty.

I am also an "erotic" CDer, but I also very much enjoy going out & attempting to pass. Or doing other non-sexual activities around the home while en femme. Still, the erotic component is important for me, and when I've told my new girlfriends about me CDing it has usually been just after having sex, when we were both still in a sexual frame of mind.

Generally, people (whether they are SOs, friends or strangers in the street) aren't so concerned about the clothes. They are concerned about what the clothes say about our sexual orientation & sexuality. Whether we are an erotic CDer or not, whether we're straight, gay, or bi, we all have to deal with this general perception that CDing implies we're sexual deviants of some kind.

When coming out to anyone I find it helps to have a sense of humour. Sure, telling your SO is serious, but having a positive mood really helps achieve a positive outcome. Tell her that you have something really important to tell her about yourself, but it's a bit silly & embarrassing. If she loves you, she will help you work through this embarrassment. I usually tell people that it's OK to giggle. That generally breaks the tension. :D

Oleskool, you may want to check this recent thread More confused than ever (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=59486)

:hugs:

Robin