Another step (forced on me)

[Deborah_UK]

I know that steps along the way to transition can be difficult.

I posted a couple of weeks ago that I'd been to my GP to ask for a referral to the local gender clinic. I'm still waiting :( I'm getting lots of pressure from my partner of 8 years to change my mind, and I also know that as part of the process I need to tell my family and ulimately my friends.

I have been steeling myself to tell my mum (she's 78), she lives 60 miles from me, but this weekend imo was the wrong time, it was three years ago today my dad passed away (cancer), and I am to go and visit her today, we're going to where we spread my dad's ashes, and have a contemplative day.

My partner and I have been having a rough time - she can't cope with my moodiness, which is attributable to my gender issues, and I thought she'd finished with me a few weeks back. We are together again, and yesterday she asked if I minded if she called my mum to let her know that she was thinking of her at this time. I saw nothing wrong in that.

I got home from work yesterday, my partner told me that she had told my mum of my plans to transition. She said that she hasdn't planned to but my mum had pressed her on why we'd split up and eventually it came out.

I called my mum who was clearly shocked and stunned, she knew I had crossdressed before because my ex-wife told her when we split up (25 years ago!), but we've never really talked about it since. I spoke to my mum about my suicidal fears and I know how difficult my choices are. Mum said during the conversation that I'd always be her son even if I became her second daughter - and that she'd love me no matter what. Although she doesn't want another daughter she'd rather keep her son. I know there will be pressure similar to that put on me by my partner - some of its because they want the male to remain, but the other pressure is their fear that i'd be ridiculed by others and they want to protect me from that.

My mum is so much stronger than I thought possible and when I see her today I'll tell her how much I love her.

Like I say, another step, forced on me, but (despite the timing) I'm almost glad it was forced on me.

editJust spoke to my mum on the phone before setting off, she said that she will never call me by anything other than my male name - guess I could change the spelling - because my male name is generally a girl's name in the USA! Robin to Robyn? :)

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Deborah

It sounds to me like you're handling it well, there's no easy way, is there? I wouldn't worry about the name thing, your mum has a lot to absorb here, and she needs time. Just be patient and I'm sure that will all come about in time, the important thing is that you'll always have her love.

I hope I'm not stepping out of line here by saying this, but your partner had absolutely no business telling her about you, that was your call to make, not anyone elses. You just hang in there Deborah, and remember that we're always here for you.

Karen

[azure]

there are a myriad of thoughts and counter thoughts, ethics, morales, and arguments Ive been through with myself, wheich I think is a process many of us who transition encounter. The issue of how we chose to live our life and how this effects the live of those close to you, is a very powerful and emotive subject. One of very many conversations I have had withmyself is that of Who
is in control of my life, and the decsions I make, with side conversations of "am I being grossly selfish?" and "should I think of my family, before my own happiness"
oh and not forgetting "I didnt ask for this, tis is an issue which I have fought with all my life, I dont like this very much more than everyone else, but why should I not be me, this isnt about me willfully hurting others around me, BUT
its more a case of "its not what you do, its what your seen as doing"

yes Ive been having LOTS of arguments, oops I mean conversations with myself, and have you noticed how when you attempt to consel yourself, you end up chasing your tail and dont actually reach a effectiveor healthy conclusion(though the other morining I did have an interlude of clarity)

Expressed Emotion is a significant variable inthe recovery of incividuals who have experinced a mental illness, when they are returned to thier families. The effect attitudes, and value judgements vocalised by relatives can be a very powerful element in the road to recovery or deterioration of the individuals illness.
From my own experience, I can say it is vital to have a very strong suport group of good friends who love and care about you, around you, and to be strong within yourself, and not to be too hard on yourself and try not to take on more than you are capable of(sounds so easy doesnt it....not)

[MJ]

i am happy your mom knows.. but you must make the choice .. it's hard i know but you have to be happy it your life .. i did what i had too.. you are at the fork in the road what path you chose don't let fear , guilt , shame , guide you

[Stephenie S]

i am happy your mom knows.. but you must make the choice .. it's hard i know but you have to be happy it your life .. i did what i had too.. you are at the fork in the road what path you chose don't let fear , guilt , shame , guide you

These are VERY important words. If nothing else, remember that what we are doing is NOT shamefull.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Siobhan Marie]

i am happy your mom knows.. but you must make the choice .. it's hard i know but you have to be happy it your life .. i did what i had too.. you are at the fork in the road what path you chose don't let fear , guilt , shame , guide you


These are VERY important words. If nothing else, remember that what we are doing is NOT shamefull.

Lovies,
Stephenie

Deborah, I agree with what both Marissa and Stephenie say. It is not shameful, all we are doing is to write the wrong that was commited by Mother Nature at the point of conception.

:hugs: Anna x

[AmberTG]

It's always going to be a tough call when you're involved with someone else. In the end you have to ask yourself if you can live with the emotional effects of choosing to not start down the road to transition, and will your SO be able to live with these emotional side effects. If you can handle it well enough without transitioning in some form, without it affecting your relationship with your SO, then you probably should live with it that way. However, if the emotional side effects of not transitioning are going to slowly destroy your relationship anyway, then you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. So, which way do you choose to destroy your relationship with your SO?
I found this out with first hand experience, I chose the long way.

[Deborah_UK]

Thanks for all your thoughts and well considered responses, it really does help being able to share with others who have gone and are going through the same issues.

The day went well with my mum, I took her to the place where we had scattered my dad's ashes, a place where he had spent many happy hours when he was alive.

We didn't discuss my transition overlong, although she feels some reassurance because I was able to tell her of an old schoolfriend who I had heard transitioned a few years ago ad have been in contact with (but not met again because she moved to the States a few years ago). Mum knew her parents and siblings - I'm not sure why it gave her some reassurance, but for some reason it did.

We spoke on the phone again last night - she clearly hopes I will change my mind, but she again said whatever I decide I'll always be her son - and I think she meant that not in the sense that she couldn't accept but she wouldn't use the term offspring for example. After all she's known me as her son for 51 years!

Thanks again all.


It's always going to be a tough call when you're involved with someone else. In the end you have to ask yourself if you can live with the emotional effects of choosing to not start down the road to transition, and will your SO be able to live with these emotional side effects. If you can handle it well enough without transitioning in some form, without it affecting your relationship with your SO, then you probably should live with it that way. However, if the emotional side effects of not transitioning are going to slowly destroy your relationship anyway, then you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. So, which way do you choose to destroy your relationship with your SO?
I found this out with first hand experience, I chose the long way.

I have said something like this to my partner, she hates my moods because my depressions drag her down as well. I've told her that the depression and moods will not go away until I do something positive about my situation.

She has said it herself that when I present Deb to her she sees me come alive, she just wants me to remain Deb at home and occasional weekends to Manchester (to the Village) but I don't want to nbe identified as "just another tranny" (sorry to the CDers on the site) but want to live my life as me.

Another friend I visited in America (a GG) said the same - I visited her as Rob, but spent some time with her as Deb and she also said that I was a different person - again to use the phrase - I came alive.

Thanks again for listening (or should that be reading? lol)

[kerrianna]

Deborah, you do what you know you need to do. It sounds like others kind of get it too, but they might be frightened for you of the commitment you are making.
You're swimming against the current, hon, and you need to remember that getting upstream will be worth it in the end. Some days you are going to feel worn down and think maybe you should just drift back, but then you'll just end up having to swim all that way back.

You can't control what others feel, other than reassuring them that this is something you don't take lightly and know you need to be your true self. Like you've said... others see the difference (for better) in you. Hopefully they'll understand that you could be like that 24-7 permanently someday.

As for your partner telling your mum... well she did overstep for sure, for whatever reasons drove her. She might have been feeling overwhelmed and lost about it and was hoping your mum would be an ally for her. Only she could tell you why. Your mum sounds pretty cool... at least you seem to understand her point of view as a mum. That kind of empathy will serve you well, hon, because you can use it to figure out why people are reacting the way they do, and that will keep your own mind and purpose clear for what you have to do.

:hugs::love:

[melissaK]

Robyn. I like Robyn. Thanks for sharing your story of late.

As I listened to your story, perhaps its just your writing style, but it was a 'newsy' sort of account where I didn't hear any real anger from you at your SO for telling, or fear about what your Mum would really say to you, or expression of great relief in your Mum's loving acceptance. The most I heard was you were 'almost glad'.

So forgive me if this is too forward, but I kinda want to ask, where are you emotionally? Depression theory per some psyches is that it is caused by repressing emotions. Maybe take time to ferret out your feelings and really experience them? It's OK to go past 'almost' and own up to the whole emotion and say 'I felt glad.' You have had a lot happen!

hugs
'lissa

[Deborah_UK]

Robyn. I like Robyn. Thanks for sharing your story of late.

As I listened to your story, perhaps its just your writing style, but it was a 'newsy' sort of account where I didn't hear any real anger from you at your SO for telling, or fear about what your Mum would really say to you, or expression of great relief in your Mum's loving acceptance. The most I heard was you were 'almost glad'.

So forgive me if this is too forward, but I kinda want to ask, where are you emotionally? Depression theory per some psyches is that it is caused by repressing emotions. Maybe take time to ferret out your feelings and really experience them? It's OK to go past 'almost' and own up to the whole emotion and say 'I felt glad.' You have had a lot happen!

hugs
'lissa

Thanks for that feedback - the "newsy" feel probably comes from the fact I edited a magazine for over 15 years, and guess I stuck in that style.

I think the relief I felt was not my mum's acceptance because she hasn't as yet really talked about it - other than convince me that suicide is not the answer - she wants her son - not another daughter, which I can understand.

I was angry with my partner, but where would anger get me?

Yes I have repressed my emotions - guess that comes from spending all my life hiding the real me from the world, but I cry and I cry frequently and at times for no apparent reason.

I feel that if I let my emotions take too great a hold then that might be the time I would see no future and only see one way out.

[AmberTG]

I know some of how you feel, I'm still working on letting my repressed emotions out into the real world. I'm afraid that just opening the door would be such a flood that I would drown in them. I let them out a bit at a time. One of these days I'm going to have a really good cry, but I'm not ready for that yet. I have to wonder, can you ever really be ready for that?