Rhonda is gone. The mother of all purges.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm not going to make this too long or too detailed, but, after 29 years of marriage and up and down levels of acceptance my wife informed me last Friday that she could no longer take it. I absolutely never saw it coming. She wanted to go to counseling and wanted me to go, too. I am trying to put off the counseling. We're already practically going broke trying to pay for health insurance and I fear the results of underwriting if this appears in the medical record of either of us. It may still be unavoidable. So...

114 empty hangers, 15 pairs of shoes, and all my other "woman stuff" later, Rhonda is gone. I'll still be around here, but I'll be looking from the outside in. I plan to post more details as time and mood allow. Might be helpful to others, GG and otherwise. Oh yea, that long hair I've always been so proud of... not anymore. Had one last salon shampoo and set today as kind of a fairwell, then 3 hours later it was gone.

I'm keeping a positive attitude. I do feel some sense of relief. If I could shake this (cding) it'd be a massive load off my shoulders, too.

I've probably stated here and elsewhere that if it came down to choosing between my wif and cding, there's no question I'd choose my wife. I meant it. The question now is whether the damage I unknowingly did to my wife's psyche is repairable.

For those of you who think your wife/SO is tolerant or accepting... She may just love you too much to tell you how much she's truly hurting. Wish mine had told me sooner. I'm more worried about her than me, and I'm really worried about us as a married couple. A few days ago I was as confident that we'd spend the rest of our lives together as as I am that the sky is blue. Now, not so much.

[Lovely Rita]

I wish you success and happiness as you undertake your current journey. I hope you succeed and that you and your wife can draw closer to one another as it is clear your love for one another is very deep.

Don't look back as much as possible and keep your eyes on her.

Sincerely,

Rita

[JC]

just a word to say that i would have made the same choice ... the wife is too important. you selected well. now just do not second guess yourself. good luck with blue skies!\\jc

[Faye Emmette]

Besides wishing to know where the clothng and shoes went so I could have a look, congratulations on your choice.
If the 'other you' was becoming a monkey on your shoulder, it's best to press on through life unencumbered.
You will always be a bit feminine in your feelings but the happiness of both you and your wife as a couple has won out.
(I once went on a holiday with a girlfriend and I asked 'should I pack a ladies suitcase'? and she replied, 'No, I only want to go on the hol with one person').

[EricaCD]

Best of luck to you, and to your wife. Hope you are able to sort everything out!

Erica

[Dixie]

That's too bad Rhonda, but you made the right choice, You still have our support, you have to do what's right for you and yours!

[RobertaFermina]

If I want to open a new chapter in my life, it is no time for looking back.

I would seek to build a more significant positive activity, goal, gratitude to take up the void left by my abandoned Joy/Lifestyle.

No need to look down on what 'was', look to what may be.

What will you and your wife build together that will fulfill the yearnings that were met by crossdressing - can you be as a child and see fresh, and unobstructed, that which sadness, resentment, and shock may obscure in the eyes of the adult?

I wish you a new joy and enthusiasm - a door that opens to a room as fulfilling as the one to which the door is presently closing.

With all my heart I wish you a new Joy and as much love as you are revealing for your Wife.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[kerrianna]

I think when your wife understands what you have done for her she will realize how much you do love her and how truly committed you are to the relationship.

Sounds like she gave it her best shot and now you are doing the same, so hopefully it will work out for you both.

Don't be afraid of counselling. You will have as much rights as her. If you feel you're not eing treated fairly (it happens sometimes) you have a right to change counsellors. It might be a good thing for both of you.

Good luck. And please do come by and visit. Just because you've purged doesn't mean you can't contribute. :hugs:

[O2B Barbara]

Hope all works out for you, I can understand the situation a bit and wish the best.

[KarenSusan]

I wish you well, Rhonda. Godspeed.

[Kate Simmons]

Medical rcords are confidential and unless you give permission or there is a court order for some reason, your practicioner is legally bound to keep things confidential. When I started therapy through my company, only my EAP(employee assistance program) counselor and my therapist knew why I was going. To satisfy diagnosis for insurance, they can truthfully put down a broad spectrum reason and then there is no question about the coverage.
I do wish you and your wife well and we all value you as a friend. Things change according to what we need to do, especially in connection with someone we love very much. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would do the same thing if my wife ever decided to give me a second chance.:happy:

[Holly]

RJ, I'm sorry it has come to this. I will keep both you and your wife in my prayers.

[Susan.]

I've also been married for 29 years, I hope this is not something like the 7 year itch.:(

[racquel]

But not forgotten.I wish you both well.I hope an understanding is possible.
Good luck,please stay in touch.:hugs:

[Michelle (Oz)]

You're a stronger man than me and I wish you well. I'm sure that you will have some tough times ahead as CDing isn't a passing fad that you can cut from your life. Recognise any bitterness that you might feel over time and don't try to hide it from your wife. She has to understand the sacrifice that you are making and share the burden with you.
Michelle (Oz)

[battybattybats]

I applaud your intentions but fear for the consequences. If you fail are you giving your wife false hope? Are you making things worse for both of you in the long term? Are you being realistic with yourself and with her about your chance of success?

Good luck!
:hugs:

[JenniferR771]

Be sure YOU choose the counselor. In my experience there are a lot of them out there who know almost nothing about CD. In my case he had to have a diagnosis for my insurance records--he went to the manual DSM-IV and chose "Transvestic Fetishism". The computer even printed it on my billing records in the front office--unti I objected. And then he borrowed a book from me. I loaned him, Peggy Rudd's "My Husband Wears My Clothes". Loaned him a couple of magizines, too. He suggested I read a book on curing sexual addiction.
If your counselor does not say he has a good background in cd--assume he has none. If you see no books on cd on his office bookshelf --assume he has none. Contact your local Tri-Ess for a referral to a local counselor.

[TxKimberly]

Good luck Rhonda,

And that's from the heart! I am proud of you for choosing to place your wife's happiness above your own and I sincerly hope everything works out well for both of you.

Hugs,
Kim

[Marcie Sexton]

While I'm sure from past experiences your decision is most difficult, but I can see that with the decision you've made, you are showing how you feel about your wife and the love for her...

Perhaps in time things will change...Good luck

[Crissy Kay]

I am sorry to hear that. I hope everything works out for you. It seems as though its a one way street for us, they can wear whatever they want to, and we can"t.

[Angie G]

Rohnda sorry to hear this news hun I hope you can do it for your wife and your marriage I wish you all the luck hun and do keep in touch :hugs:
Angie

[Rhonda Jean]

Thank you so much for each of your heartfelt replies. Pretty amazing. I'm absorbing them like a sponge. I've never gone to a website for personal support before. We're a group with a special bond, including the GG's here. I didn't know until now how much it could mean to get a quick caring message from someone I'd never met. I'll do a better job of that myself in the future. No one can understand any of this like we do!

As of late yesterday afternoon, everything was gone. Clothes, etc. donated or discarded, hair cut. While cleaning things out, I was surprised at the volume of stuff. A lot of my clothes had never been worn. I did more shoppng than wearing, but that was part of the fun! I was also surprised at how spread out it was. Some hidden, some in plain sight, but it's no wonder my wife found it to be inescapeable.

As I went through my day yesterday, waiting on my hair appointments, I shopped where I had before. I was surprised at how difficult it was to resist looking at women's clothes. It won't be hard to find something to replace the time spent on cding stuff. That'd be called WORK! My days were becoming comletely occupied by indulging in one way or another my crossdressing desires. I was not only doing a disservice to my wife, but also to my employer. I really had it bad.

The positives:
This being the beginning of my first full day, it's pretty early to tell, but here's how it's going so far. Getting rid of the clothes wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. I enjoyed the pleasant memories associated with some of my favorite things as I took them off the hanger and dropped them in the bag. Some of those memories hadn't been unearthed in a while. I enjoyed the memories. Something good came from something that could have been very difficult. Positive attitude, remember! Donating or discarding the stuff after it was in the bag was a non-event.

I was most nervous about cutting my hair. I decided to walk in to a salon I'd never been to before (J.C. Penney's) and get a roller set one last time. Wasn't a big deal. I've had lots of salon roller sets before. This was the first time I'd been in a salon in full drab in a long time, though. I contemplated this being my last roller set as I sat under the dryer, but when I was done it felt mostly like a waste of money. I shopped around for the next 3 hours while I awaited my haircut appointment. I made that appointment with a hairdresser I hadn't seen since I had mid-back length hair. She's the best hairdresser I've ever had. Some day I'll tell why I quit using her years ago. It was nice to hear her say, "Your hair is so much shorter!", even though it was below my shoulders and had a 3-hour old roller set.

The longest hair on my head is now not quite 7" long, so it's not like I'm bald. I'll probably cut it shorter as time goes on. It'll be a lot easier to take care of, and, most importantly, I feel like I can go camping and riding the Sea-Doo with my kids without worrying too much about my hair. That's something else that'll fill the void (Big Positive!).

Well, I didn't intend to write a book here, so I better go. I'll be back a lot,though. I think it'll help.

Love you all,

(Not really sure how to sign this!)

[lindsaycd75]

I hate to be downer here but I think this needs to be said. I apologize from the start if its harsh.

This is not something that can be cured, controlled maybe. I have tried lord knows how I have tried to cure myself.
Some may say well your just not strong enough or you don't have enough will power. People have said it of me but the truth is if wasn't for will power and internal strength I would not have walked after I broke my neck in 1994.I would not have survived other instances in my life that took all I had to make it through ether. I am not trying puff my self up or to put anyone down, I am trying to help somehow. What I hope I am doing is prepare you for whats coming.
I truly hope you find peace with this and that you can work some thing out. I very nearly lost my wife over this due to communication, anger and resentment. She didn't understand and I didnt want to help her to or to go to counseling or anything. I did purge for her when faced with it and I made things much worse because i bottled it up inside and didnt make it know how this effected me. She thought I was just mad because I didnt get my way, I didnt tell her differently. It actually took almost 2 year of strugle and fights for her to break down that wall,I did not even realize I put up. We did go to counseling eventually. When we did she didn't even bring up c/ding, the real issue for her was, that she felt lied to and deceived. She was right too I did lie and I did deceve, I did not tell her what I FELT inside and Why. For her It wasnt the clothes It was the perceved loss of the man she married.

It has taken much time many tearful nights but we have started moving forward. We now have come to a middle ground on things, no I dont get everything I want I compromise. A for instance I want my ears peirced really bad but she isn't comfortable with it ,so I haven't. She made some to she buys things for me and help with something. I know both of us are happier than ever before due to the changes we have made.

Now dont get me wrong I applaud you for doing what you have for you wife. The thing is to controling this side of you is your going to have to be very careful. The real dangers of your situation aren't the cloths or hair, Its envy resentment and anger. five years from now I would hate to see you walking through a store with you wife , angry and hurt because you cant dress. Anger and resentment have led to many more divorces than any transgender issue ever has. years from now if this is still the course of your life you will have to work to keep communication open and both of you need to know how each other feel.
I think that counseling would help both of you and that the money would be well spent. (again to to be down on you) There are some serious communication issues between the two of you If you didn't know how she felt, ether you weren't listening or she wasn't telling. Both of these are bad things in a marriage.

I truly hope you find peace with this and that you can work some thing out. please keep in mind what I have said, I almost lost my wife over this due to communication anger and resentment. I purged for her and I made things worse because i bottled it up inside. We now have come to a middle ground on things, and I think both of us are happier than ever before.

good luck and godspeed
Lindsay

p.s again I want to apoligize if this was to harse or badly written I had to kind of rush due to a bad storm comming..

[Shelly Preston]

Best of luck to both of you

I hope you mange to sort things and have many more good times ahead :hugs:

[Daintre]

Hi Rhonda, I applaud you for stepping up and doing what is the right thing. You told us that your wife comes before anything else, this is as it should be. I believe what you have taught us here is that honest communication is essential. It is obvious to you now that although your wife went along with the dressing, and supported you, she was in turmoil inside, so much so that it finally blew up. Knowing how she truly felt earlier maybe would have been a sign that you two needed to try outside help.

You have my support, e-mail me or PM me. You have said you will continue to pop in, that's great...good luck :hugs:

[Kathielynne]

Rhonda Jean,

As one who has faced the same decision two years ago, I made the same choice. Wife and family before all else. I need the release (this is it!) from time to time, because CD starts and continues to reside in the mind, but dressing up is over and I used to be very active. I started very early like most CD/TG folks. After my wife found out, we became much closer and shared everything. My pattern was addictive; CD, booze, drugs, thrills. DC was my drug of choice. I went to a counselor for a year - and yes, paid for it because of the insurance requirement for disclosure (DSM IV, transvestic fetish). My counselor was great. He made me understand that 1) I was severely abused as a child (mostly verbal and neglect), and 2) I needed to do things other than CD that made me feel happy about myself. In short, I wasn't doing enough for myself to be happy with my life. My life has gotten better through greater openness. My wife and child mean the world to me and I would give my life for them. My wife has forgiven me for lying (not disclosing my other self) and I saw my minister about it as well (another truly great guy). If I was honest before we were married, I would not be married. Nevertheless, I should have been honest. In the final analysis, I'm still a man and don't wish to change my sex. I miss the "high" and the sensual nature of CD, but in the end I know I made the right choice. My wife likes my softer side - but as a man. Best of luck with your life and your family. Please contact me should you need a friend.

Kathielynne

[Rhonda Jean]

It is truly touching to get such support for you all. It's pretty unbelievable that all I had to do was put it out there on this board and so many of you would take the time to give such carefully thought out replies. Thank you again.

My wife has said that she doesn't think I can "cure" this. She knows its been a lifelong thing, and there's no magic button. Thing is, all this time I thought she was at least passively accepting. When I was cleaning stuff out I came across a letter she wrote me two years ago along with an article from the tri-ess website. It said she was sorry she'd been so shallow, that she wanted me to feel complete, etc.. I asked her if she wanted to read it before I shredded it. She declined. Point is, I have been operating under a false impression.

I don't blame her. As someone said earlier, looks like she gave it her best shot. I agree. The least I can do is return the favor. Hey, look at it this way. The worst thing that'll (likely) come of this is that I had a he** of a time for 29 years! I've probably done a lifetime worth of cding already anyway!

A couple of things have to happen. The biggest one is, she is having some serious issues with intimacy with me. Not just sex, but that, too. It's going to take a lot of work to fix that, and I'm not sure what I can do, nor is she.

The next thing will be when I'm away on business. I've already been asking myself if it'd be O.K. if I fell off the wagon "just a teeny bit." Right now I'd say it's not O.K.. Kind of like an alcoholic and that "one drink". It'll be a very difficult test.

[Kathielynne]

Rhonda Jean,

Your wife sounds like mine. At first she said, "not around our child" and "I don't want to see you like that, I married a man." Fair enough, she did and I would never expose a child to keeping a secret like that. That said, I too travel on business and that would still be "falling off the wagon" as you said. It's hard at times. I see a fashion magazine and I can't help being a little interested in the contents. I pass by a wig shop and I can't help thinking how I used to style my own wigs. It's hard, but now is the time for me to be the husband my wife married and the fulltime father my kid deserves. I once had a makeover by the famous Jamie Austin and she told me about a guy who was so in love with his very pretty feminine image after his makeover that he quit his job, left his family and went to live on the west coast fulltime as a woman. Perhaps he was always ts, but I can see how we can be drawn further into the rabbit hole and let fantasy collide with reality. I, like you, had a long run. I went out a lot, passed easily and had a lot of fun. To life!

:D

Kathielynne

[Rhonda Jean]

Kathielynne,

I know it'll always be difficult, but I'm in total agreement with you. We've all done things in ou life that we enjoyed tremendously and for various reasons, moved on. I'm working on the attitude of "Been there, done that" (and LOVED it), but the time has come to move on. One of these days I'll start a "Favorite Memories" thread. I could make several entries on that!

[KimberlyS]

Rhonda, I feel for you. Things can work out in the long run with lots and lots of communication and the wills of two wanting it to work and both willing to work hard at it and compromise. But it will most likely not easy.

A few years back I was in a similar situation. Quit CDing and joint counseling to fix me or her and the kids were gone. That was followed by a counselor from hell, I mean of God, over a year of no CDing, and feeling like I was walking on egg shells at all times. I was lucky at that point my wife was able to finally see that this was always me and me not CDing was not a good thing.

That was then followed by a couple more years of a little less than hell and more working through the issue with the situation slowly getting better as we figured out where this feminine part of me fit. That was over 5 years ago and things have gotten good again, but still working on where CDing fits.

Good luck in your journey of life and marriage.

[Rhonda Jean]

My wife and I layed in bed and talked till the wee hours. No doubt about it, she is very deeply affected by 29 years of faux tolerance. The purge was only a tiny start to the healing process.

She says, "It's just who you are. It's like me being left handed."

At one time I would have agreed with her and welcomed her realization of that. I look at it differently, now, and told her it was more like liking chocolate.. alot! You might love it, eat it every chance you got, look forward to your next chance to have it, and it might seem to make every situation better if you have some. But, if your doctor told you you had to give it up, you'd give it up.

That's where I am. She doesn't believe I can kick it.

[Rikkicn]

I guess I'm still not sure why our wives happiness comes before our own. What is the reasoning behind this sentiment? If our spouses happiness comes before our own why wouldn't it then follow that ours comes before our wives? How decides who comes first?
Why is that the man must sacrifice for his wife.
Is it because he has committed some transgression and must atone for his sins. Is it the noble, manly thing to do? Is it because women are the "weaker" sex and need to be cared for?
Is it because we're afraid to be alone and may never find another partner?
How can it be best if we put aside our needs and desires to full fill some else's idea of a good life? How much should we give up so our wives can live in peace? how much suffering is enough?
I understand the idea on compromise on some issues but things that are this important to our lives seems hard for me to grasp.

I could really use some help with this. Any thoughtful comments wold be very welcomed.

[marie354]

I'm sooo sorry to hear that Rhonda. I really am. :sad:

I bring it up in conversation with my SO every once in a while just to be sure that she isn't feeling like that.
She says that she doesn't want me to feel like I have to keep it from her. I've been open and honest with her ever since I met her.
I hope that she never feels hurt by my dressing.
:hugs:

[Ruth]

This is a tough one and I do not feel qualified to give any advice. I was not forced to choose between my CDing and my marriage and for that I am truly, deeply grateful.
I just hope you find peace of mind.

[Seville]

Please check back with us once in a while to let us know how it's going.
The future is unpredicable...it may happen to us.

Best wishes for your future happiness.