getting braver (or stupider)

[sandra-leigh]

Thursday night, I was all prepared, ready to go out to a club, with a white blouse literally long enough to be a dress, a denim mini about 2" longer than the blouse, dark pantyhose (about 25 denier), my D forms (noticable bulges under the blouse), eye shadow, mascara, light makeup to hide my beard shadow, modest lipstick -- and no wig or other attempt to make my face look like a woman. Carefully considered gender-bending -- on the female side, but nothing that couldn't be ignored (nothing inexcusably femme.) Unfortunately, just as I was searching for the phone to call the taxi, my wife called and the conversation lasted long enough that I missed my window of opportunity. But I would have gone that way.

Friday night, I chickened out of the white blouse/dress, and put on a long slinky top that the forms look modest under, but with which anyone who looked right at me would be able to see the bulges. Same denim mini, same dark pantyhose, same eyeshadow colours (differently arranged.) This time I took the city bus to the club -- out on the bus as a male with a miniskirt and pantyhose. I had no trouble in the club at all (though I ended up sitting too close to the air conditioner and was cold in my short skirt and pantyhose!). When I was sitting down, only the people closest would be able to tell I was in a skirt and hose, but a couple of times I got up to move around the room a bit, and I know some of the guys saw my skirt and pantyhose then. No-one appeared to care. One of the female employees was amused/interested by the way I was dressed, and even peaked under my skirt. Not amused in the "laughing at me" sense: she liked that I had dressed that way.

I even went into the male washroom dressed that way, miniskirt and hose and no attempt to hide the (modest) breasts. I choose a time when it wasn't very busy and used a stall -- but there was a (male) washroom attendant. I'm perfectly capable of picking up soap myself and of picking up paper towel if one is available, so (as usual) I refused the attendant's help -- and stood there in plain sight in my mini skirt in the men's room while I dried my hands under the air dryer.

I've been to the club before in full femme (and been treated fine then), and I've been there before with more subtle femme (e.g., with my women's jeans that can barely be told from mens) with my forms apparent (but usually more hidden than tonight).
I was going to take the bus home again and had walked a number of blocks downtown to get to the stop, but nature was calling so I took a taxi. If nature had been calling more softly, I would have taken the bus home in my gender-bending state; instead I taxi'd gender-bent. While I was walking through downtown, I might have heard a small snicker from one pair of guys I passed, but it was not at all loud and I could have been mistaken about it being there at all. And it seemed to me that I got a few smiles along the way.


The lead in to going out gender-bent tonight, was that I wore a stretchy top to work, and then just before leaving work put on my bra and D forms; I covered with my jacket long enough to get out of the building. On the bus home, I took off my jacket, so my bust was clearly visible -- the top was stretchy enough to return right back under my bust to my chest. I then proceeded to read the paper, sitting there in the bus as a guy with noticable boobs. A guy sat beside me (all seats on the bus filled up); he paid no attention at all, and didn't seem to notice my little something extra until I disturbed him to get off the bus; his eyes got a bit wider for a short time.
Oh yes, and Wednesday night I went out to have supper with an old friend (who didn't know about my dressing), an I wore my long denim skirt in public then too, as a "guy".

My record going out as a guy with a plain-ish skirt is really pretty good -- no-one has ever bothered me, people on the bus don't seem to notice, and children ignore it too as if it were completely natural. I haven't tried going out as a guy with a feminine skirt though. I think I'd be willing to try it with one of my leather or pleather skirts.

I find something very satisifying in going out wearing a skirt as a guy, or in having "breasts" as a guy. I don't know what people make of me; I don't think many of them would think "crossdresser", because I suspect that most people don't have enough experience with the word to connect it to reality. Breast forms aren't common knowledge amongst guys; maybe they think I'm stuffing my bra with socks.

Falling asleep; can't remember what I was going to say.

[O2B Barbara]

Interesting that you raised so few eyebrows. In my small town that would cause quite a stir. As for the breasts, I think there is a growing understanding that there are some medical treatments that can cause a mans breasts to grow. May be helping in that area.

[sandra-leigh]

Interesting that you raised so few eyebrows. In my small town that would cause quite a stir.

I've had a lot of good experiences dressing here in central Canada. The city has a lot of cultural life, and apparently we have one of the largest per-capita gay populations in Canada. I've gone into quite a few stores to cross-shop, and have been treated well in nearly all of them. If any of you are considering visiting central Canada (nearly due north of Minniapolis), then I'm sure you'll be pleased at the wide tolerance.

And let me put in a plug for the local club's newsletters and website, www.masquerade.ca : some of the newsletter contributors have really fascinating personal stories. (And if some of you have perchance been wondering if I am for real: I show up in some of the newsletters.)

[sandra-leigh]

I've had a lot of good experiences dressing here in central Canada.

This afternoon, I decided I needed a new dress to go out tonight, so it was off the consignment boutique, which is about 2 kilometers up the road. Stretch denim jeans that a particularily observant person might notice have the fly on the "wrong" side; chocolate brown top with some feminine touches (a bit of embroidery, the scalloped cut of the sleeves and neck); no makeup or wig -- but I was wearing my large forms, so I had apparent breasts (but looking proportional, not eye-popping as they would have looked if I'd been wearing a stretch top.) I bicycled over through the neighbourhood dressed that way; not that many cars along the way, but the bent-over bicycling position would tend to emphasize the chest (it tends to tuck the material in under the forms.) I thought I had timed my arrival for after the end of the annual street carnival but it was still going on; I just walked my bike the block over, and people were more concerned about walking into the bike than they were concerned about what I was wearing or the fact that it isn't every day you see a guy with an obvious D+ cup.

I didn't happen to find all that much at first, and thought I was about finished, but then found another couple of racks with dresses in the right size range.

The store owner is a real sweetheart, and the rest of the staff is great too; when I first started going there, they accepted my trying on women's clothes because they try to accept everyone; these days, they don't seem to find anything at all strange about my shopping there, and they give me bargins and give me compliments and make suggestions about things they think would look good on me.

The owner and staff encourage the customers to walk out of the change rooms with the test clothes and see what the clothes look like in the more-open store, and to get opinions not only from the other staff but from the other customers as well. It's part of the "experience' of that particular store -- that the store is not just a place of business, but is more like a community. Having the other customers say, "That looks great on you!" or "I think the previous one suited you better" is typical in that store -- everyone chips in.
So, as is standard for the GG customers in that store, I too walk out onto the floor to show off my test clothes -- going out in a skirt or dress in full view of the other customers even though I'm clearly a guy (no wig). And I do not get stares or snickers: the other customers sometimes take a fraction of a second to adjust, but then they proceed to give me opinions just the same as if I were female. And the other customers seem to value the comments I give them as well.

Today's haul:
- one grey short-sleeved t-shirty-like top with more of a decorative pattern than I usually wear; it isn't Decidedly Female, but men wouldn't wear that kind of decorative pattern. I should be able to wear it out and around without attracting any negative comments, even though it's non-male -- it's not female enough for people to care that I'm wearing it, if you know what I mean.
- one denim-looking skirt with a fair bit of stretch; it is a bit longer than the denim miniskirt I mentioned above in this thread, but it is still above-the-knee. It has a slight bit more sparkle than regular denim
- one long string dress with an underlayer; the weave is a little too close to be called "netting", but that kind of idea; a lot of strings and knots. You might perhaps use the term "lace", but I think "tatting" might be technically more accurate. It's a nice looking dress; a little too fine to wear "around", but not so fine as to be a "party dress". I guess you could classify it as an "evening dress". The shoulders are a bit wider than is perfect and so tend to fall off, but it was too nice to pass up
- one front-buttoning denim dress, about half-way to the knee. This is the one that people said looked best on me.

I also considered another long flowing cotton dress with a pattern I can't really describe; the store owner thought that it really suited me (but the denim dress become her new favorite when she saw that.) I might have bought it, but I decided I didn't like it as much as it was priced at ($80).

All of these pieces, I modelled in the main store area, in full view, a guy with a chest, in a dress and pantyhose -- and that was cool all around, to staff and customers. (The customers' husbands didn't care either.)


If I have a point in all of this, it is that in at least some places, being "out" as transgender is not much of a problem. If you are stuck at home worried to pieces "But what if someone 'reads' me and notices that I'm a guy??" then consider answering yourself with a big fat "So what if someone does?!" I imagine that thousands of people (hundreds for sure) must have seen me by now as a guy with obvious female traits, and what I get out of it is not ridicule but compliments and good-natured amusement, and a lot more connection with people (more conversations) than I had before I started dressing.

[marie354]

I certainly wouldn't call it stupid. Brave for sure, but when you told about your shopping experience, walking your bike through the fair to the store and everything that happened there, I was tickled.
Just maybe I shouldn't be so afraid of trying things on in the store. I do know my sizes well enough that I generally get the correct fit, but it would be a lot of fun to try things on in the store too.

This has been an inspiring moment for me in reading about your adventure and actually may get me to try things on in the store the next time I go shopping.
:hugs:

[Staci]

There is no way that I would do that.

[crusadergirl]

I wouldn't do that its not for me. I have alot of guts to do crazy things just not that. I will do it with my wig on only to many ppl know me. I can't go anywhere with out being noticed. But think its cool you did that but not for me.

[kerrianna]

Oh Tess, that sounds like so much fun you're having. I trust you are careful when out too, just in case you meet a moron looking for someone to harass.

But I love the acceptance you describe. I do think in many places people are a lot more forgiving than we think they will be. I never knew your little city was so cool. Cold, yeah :p, but it's been awhile since I've been there.

That must be so fun and liberating for you. I love the idea of trying on stuff and getting feedback. I have so got to try that one day.

Sometimes the only thing stopping us is our own fears and attitudes. We think everyone will shame us but in fact it is ourselves doing the shaming. When we embrace ourselves and are happy the world usually works with us. You just have to be aware of the angry, bitter people who don't like to see happiness and step around them.

Take care and keep having fun girl! :hugs:

[Mitch23]

I agree with you totally Kerrianna - it all about our own feelings and insecurities. I suppose it takes a lot of time to get the guilt and shame of many years of 'our dirty little secret' out of our system. Great story Tess-Leigh and thanks for sharing it. I had a slightly similar experience in our local thrift store yesterday when i was able to come out and ask SAs opinion. Not quite the same as there is rarely anyone else around when i go in!

Mitch

[sandra-leigh]

- one long string dress with an underlayer; the weave is a little too close to be called "netting", but that kind of idea; a lot of strings and knots. You might perhaps use the term "lace", but I think "tatting" might be technically more accurate. It's a nice looking dress; a little too fine to wear "around", but not so fine as to be a "party dress". I guess you could classify it as an "evening dress". The shoulders are a bit wider than is perfect and so tend to fall off, but it was too nice to pass up


I wore that one out tonight to a local LGBT club. It turns out to be less tatting-like and more lace-like than I thought. And it also turns out that the shoulders are just fine -- I guess when I was trying it on, I didn't have the inner liner fully pulled down.

I mostly sat around in the club and people-watched and drank (orange juice, and water), but just when I was about decided I would leave, someone approached me to compliment me on the dress, and I ended up having a nice conversation with the couple. It turned out to be a FTM crossdresser newly engaged to a female; they both said (but not strongly) that they'd like to borrow the dress for their wedding. (If they'd asked after we'd been further in the conversation, I might have agreed.) And of course as a FTM, she knew about the difficulties of trying on clothes in the "other" change room. She was amazed that I do my own makeup -- not that I'm particularily great at it, but she said she's never worn makeup herself. It was an interesting conversation, and made the whole effort worth-while : a chance to talk intelligently with people who accepted me for what I am and who even had the flip-side perspective to share.

I wasn't able to get a great picture of me in the dress, but I think I'll put one of them up as my avatar or on a picture thread.


I agree with you totally Kerrianna - it all about our own feelings and insecurities. I suppose it takes a lot of time to get the guilt and shame of many years of 'our dirty little secret' out of our system.

That's where I have a bit of an unfair advantage -- I never went through that phase. I didn't know I was a crossdresser until less than 3 years ago, and once the idea of wearing female clothes dawned on me, I went at it fairly publically -- I was out at some of the big local malls wearing a skirt (but no wig) within 2 months of starting to dress at all. Although it was hidden from my wife, I was pretty public with it -- my in-the-closet period was measured in weeks, and a small number of them at that. I was never ashamed of my dressing.

I don't always understand my dressing, particularily when it comes to things like my reaction to sincere compliments from men when I'm full femme. But I don't feel guilty or ashamed of these feelings. Maybe a little stressed at times, trying to figure out what-all is hidden inside me and how I feel about it, but I suspect that even that stress is a lot lower than, for example, that of someone realizing they enjoy BSDM.



Sometimes the only thing stopping us is our own fears and attitudes. We think everyone will shame us but in fact it is ourselves doing the shaming. When we embrace ourselves and are happy the world usually works with us.

Wot she said!

I risked going out in public the first time because I figured that I had enough self-dignity that I could afford to be laughed at. Except it turned out that I wasn't laughed at: it turned out that people didn't care and that I enjoyed myself.

[Laura Jane]

my D forms (noticable bulges under the blouse)......

.....a long slinky top that the forms look modest under, but with which anyone who looked right at me would be able to see the bulges. .....


......then just before leaving work put on my bra and D forms; I covered with my jacket long enough to get out of the building.

If you mean D cups, then I bet they were noticable!

Even a humble old B cup stands out a mile!

[Kitty Sue]

That's great. I have had similar outings. Always exciting and fun. I too wear D forms.

[sandra-leigh]

If you mean D cups, then I bet they were noticable!


It depends a lot on what I wear. If I'm wearing one of my sweatshirts, people literally don't seem to notice at all. If I'm wearing something that drapes, the visible protrubance can end up being less than 1/2": the rest of the size of the forms just makes me look thicker. The slinky brown top I mentioned, I estimate the visible protrubance as about 1 1/2" -- about the distance from the end of your thumb to the first joint of the thumb -- present, but even that much doesn't call a lot of attention to itself considering the dark colour of the top. Now the stretch top that I wore on the bus: Yes, that did result in fully noticable protrusions, an appearance in-line with what is not uncommonly seen on women with chests the size of what I was imitating (i.e., unmistakably there, and that guys like me like to see, but not "really big hooters!!"; even with the stretch top, on me the D cup forms just look like a realistic size for a woman the same size as I am.

Now, clearly when I wear something like the stretch top I wore on the bus, I'm expecting people to Notice; it was amusing that the guy who sat beside me on the bus didn't see a thing until I stood up -- he'd been sitting beside me for 20 minutes, and hadn't looked over at me. I was just some guy on the bus reading a paper (and no, the paper was definitely not hiding the sight from him.) But when I wear a sweatshirt or a dark colour top that drapes, then as far as I can tell, very few people notice a thing: a 1/2" protrubance isn't enough to catch peoples' attention even if they look right at me and even if I'm clearly in guy mode. The 1/2" is quite rounded, not "perky" or "cones" or "beaming". Now, I shouldn't imply that no-one notices; for example, I've gone in to one of the local drug stores to shop for makeup a few times, and gotten assistance from one of the SAs (mostly the same one each time); I'm relatively sure she's noticed, but she doesn't care; that is, people I interact directly with, doing female-type things, seem to process it as "news" once, and times after that, it's just the way I am, and I might look subtly odd to them if I don't wear my forms.


someone approached me to compliment me on the dress, and I ended up having a nice conversation with the couple.

Mentally reviewing some of the questions in the conversation, I'm now thinking they might have been checking me out to see if I wanted to be picked up! But I think they found the converstation interesting anyhow.

[sandra-leigh]

Yesterday's adventures:

It was another day in blouse and D-cup forms at work for me (but this time my boss didn't barge in!); underneath my male pants, I had a knee-length skirt.

After work, I put on a bit of foundation to make the hairs less obvious, left work and went looking for a place to change. Fortunately, the university across the road was still open, so I ducked into a washroom there, took off my male pants, put them in my bag, and walked out of the university -- in guy mode (guy face, no wig or obvious makeup), wearing the knee-length denim skirt.

The forms weren't always visible, but they were when I moved, or when the wind blew: the air movement of my walking or of the wind would mold the fabric against the forms, making it look like I had about a B-cup.

Out of the university, it was a couple of blocks walk through a busy part of downtown over to one of the main bus stops, where I was just in time to catch the bus I wanted. All the seats were full, so I was standing up in the bus with my skirt. As people got off and loads more got on, I made my way to the back of the bus, my skirt in view of anyone who cared to look. Once at the back of the bus, I could have asked someone to push over and make room for me, but I wasn't going much further, so I stood there, skirt-clad a__ in front of a couple of tough looking guys. Not a single noise or remark. I'm sure that as I balanced against the flow of the bus that my blouse must have moved around showing my bulges sometimes.

Off the bus, went into the video store (still in skirt), returned the videos, then back to the bus stop and shuffled around in view (this was still a fairly busy part of downtown) until another bus came. A few blocks later, it was over to wait for a bus at one of the main traffic interchanges; the bus stop is off to the side a bit, so I was visible to the other bus patrons, but the car drivers would have had better things to do than to look at me. 10 minutes of waiting there, then on to the bus for the ride home.

Arrived home, still in daylight, still in my skirt. Celebrated by watering the back garden in my skirt. (One of my next-door neighbours knows, the others don't, and I could have been seen from next-door or from the houses across the way.)

So I rode a busy city bus in my skirt in broad daylight, standing all the way, including standing near some macho guys -- and got no remarks.

I think I did see a couple of strange looks; no stares, but I think I saw a pursed lip or two. Nothing I couldn't handle.

This isn't the first time I've ridden the city bus as a guy in a skirt, but this was definitely the busiest bus I've done it on. And this was a skirtier skirt than last time. Last time it was a denim mini that is exactly like some male shorts I have (same brand, same pattern, same length, same pockets, just a skirt rather than shorts). This time it was a knee-length stretch denim with no pockets, and which looks more feminine than the mini. (I've also done the bus ride home at night in the middle of winter in heavy plain full-length skirts; people pretty much ignored those, as they were too busy freezing themselves.) I was a bit more anxious this time, both because the skirt was more clearly feminine and because the bus was fairly bus (and a tougher crowd.)

I think it was another one of those case of "If you look like you know what you are doing, and act like it's an every-day occurence, people will pay little attention."