New girlfriend, what to do?

[jenw83]

I just started going out with this girl and I really like her. We have been going out now for about a month and a half and things are moving very quickly. I mean I havent proposed marriage and we dont live together but I mean we had sex on the second date, I met her parents already, and I can tell she is very into me. Now here is the slight problem: she does not speak the best english...she just moved here from France and she is from Brazil. She is learning the language right now and she seems to be picking it up quickly but sometimes she has a little bit of a hard time understanding my dialog and vice versa. I message her all the time using myspace and msn messenger and we can talk on there very easily.

So now the obvious question, what do I do about my crossdressing habits? Do I tell her? She is Brazilian, any idea on how her culture views that? I want to tell her cause I do not want anything hidden and I hate living with secrets. My last girlfriend was accepting but was not into it. Also keep in mind the slight language barrier...she may not fully understand what I am saying. Please any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Andrea Nicole]

Sex on the second date .... what the h*$$ ... tell her...you're not goin marry this one ....

[jenw83]

Sex on the second date .... what the h*$$ ... tell her...you're not goin marry this one ....

To be honest I didnt force the sex... I am not like that. Also I think the reason we are moving as fast as we are is partly because of her culture. Brazilians seem to be a lot more open and while it may seem like we are going fast, Brazilians dont think so- that the speed we are moving is probably normal. At least this is the impression I got after meeting her friends as well. Anyways, we already had the talk about marriage and kids and what we want out of this...we are both young still (Im 24 and she is 21). She said that marriage and kids is one of the last things on her mind and I told I felt the same way.

Look I like this girl. She makes me laugh, I dont worry about anything else when I am with her, she relaxes me, she is very cute,and we have a really good time together. Yes maybe I wont marry her, however that is no reason to be untruthful to her. I am just unsure of how to go about the whole thing and would appreciate any advice rather than very generic generalizations saying, what the $#**, you arent going to marry this one...

[gmss]

I think it's important for you to tell her as soon as possible, and it looks like you might agree with that thinking.

Perhaps you could just throw out the subject in general chatter (maybe if you happen to see somone while you are together) just to see if you can get an idea of what she thinks about it.

If she appears to accept it, then I'd say you actually have a chance of her accepting it when you tell her about you and the subject.

Although you might want to tell her asap, I think it's important to wait for just the right moment.

Good luck.

[Marlena-4now]

I,ve been to Brazil a couple of times and my impression is that altough it is a very catholic country the people are more open minded and tolerant. There are ALOT of drag queens in the carnival parades and ery body loves to dance play music and enjoy life - that was my impression anyway......youre sweetheart sounds awesome.........youve got to find a way to tell her.......how about renting a dvd like "Just like a woman" and seeing her reaction ?

[Melinda G]

She said that marriage and kids is one of the last things on her mind and I told I felt the same way.

Heh heh heh. Thats what they all say. Then when you least expect it, it's like," ummm I have some news". "I'm pregnant".:D

[rose382832]

brazil, specificaly rio has the largest tg populations in the world. they are tollerated but not officialy aproved of cause of the catholic background. so she might surprise you and be very very accepting.:happy:

[Alice B]

Sounds great but be carefull. Allow for some time to be sure she isn't looking for a route to a green card. My second marriage started very much like what you are outlining, but in time it went south because I was simply a stepping stone. My own fault for not taking time to acess the relationship and allowing emotions and hormones to talk for me. I do wish you well and hope that it is the real thing. As to your cross dressing. You must tell her or your will be laying the seeds to serious trouble down the road.:hugs:

[Jodi]

Be advised--the green card as mentioned above is a big one. I might add a recent personal experience. The son of some good friends recently committed suicide at age 24. Very sad indeed. After the fact, the story came out. He was a really good kid, but very naive. He was in the military. While stationed in the western US, he met a latino woman with two kids--here in immigrant status. They had a whirlwind romance and married. He was then reassigned to Korea for a 13 month short tour (without wife and family). When he got back, he found no trace of his wife, personal property, and bank account. While he was gone, she applied for and got citizenship, cleaned him out and split. She got all she wanted.

He became so despondant, he ended his life over it.

BE VERY CAREFUL. Any foreign national who moves that fast, could be big time trouble. A pregnancy and a quick marriage is a ticket into the US--not to mention 18 years of child support payments.

Jodi

[Sedona]

Ah, young love!

Having sex on the second date, not a big deal. I've had sex on the first date and sex on the 15th date, and it hasn't mattered. I agree, if she's Brazilian (via France), she's probably more liberal about this. But, not every Brazilian is from Rio. They have hicks in that country too.

If you're dying to tell her, tell her, but in my opinion, I'd wait. What's the rush? You're 24, she's 21, folks change a lot in their 20s. Why not wait 6 months or a year? Before you divulge your CDing activities, be sure she's the one, or close to it.

I had hot/sexy French-Canadian and Japanese girlfriends when I was your age. They spoke broken English, and while the accents were cute at first, I realized that there wasn't much of substance behind them. I'm glad I didn't tell them about my CDing.

Keep your head.

[O2B Barbara]

Trust your heart here, to tell or not. If she approves you are one strp closer to a long term relationship. If not you might avoid some hurt.

Marry in haste - Repent at leisure.

[jenw83]

Thank you everyone for their suggestions. I dont think she is looking for a greencard marriage but then again people can be deceiving... I also got introduced to her by a friend of mine that lived in Brazil as an exchange student and she knew her pretty well. I do use protection, so I am not going to have any baby... I am very careful about that. I am also very careful about personal information; I too have learned hard life lessons. I am not going to get married end of story till I am ready which is going to be a while. I am still finishing up my masters and have a job right now so the last thing on my mind is marriage.

So on one hand I have people telling me to wait to make sure she is the one which does make a little sense and on the other I have people telling me to tell her now or just wait till that right moment. I am just not sure what to do... I dont dress up all the way I usually just wear lingerie and polish my toes and thats about it. I would like to go a little further possibly. She seems to be a little bit more open minded but I am just not sure. I want to tell her and who knows maybe that will tell me more about the relationship. Maybe I will find out what kind of person she is by telling her my secret. I just dont know... It is still early in the relationship and maybe too early for that kind of stuff to come out but on the other hand its still a secret and I told her I would be completely honest with her which I have every intention of upholding.

[Stephenie S]

Hon, just tell her. You told us. You do it the same way. You said that you told her you would be completely honest with her. Well, guess what? You're not. If you want this relationship to go anywhere you will have to say something. If not, then what difference does it make?

Steph

[gmss]

Keeping this from her is not the same thing as deceiving her, IMHO.

(If you told her you didn't, when you do, well that's a different story.)

I think anytime before a wedding day is an ok time to tell someone something like this. However, the longer you wait, the better, because ultimately you should have less worry about how she will take it (since the longer you wait, the better you will know her when you tell her.)

It's not crucial that you tell her now.

Also, I still think you it shouldn't be too hard to find out what she thinks about the subject without telling her too many details...

[Cristi]

This question has been asked a thousand times... and there really is no 'one size fits all' answer.

There are dozens of factors that, honestly, NOBODY on this board can deal with better than you since we don't know her!

IMHO, the entire question is a big 'fuzzy area'. The general opinion here is:
1) the sooner the better and;
2) **BEFORE YOU ARE MARRIED** (or engaged, for that matter)

Other than that, I don't think anybody here can give you the easy answer you might be looking for. Sorry. :(

All I can say is that if it were me, I'd use some general discussions to 'feel out' the area. How does she feel about counterculture people in general? How strong are her religious beliefs? How does she deal, in general, with people who are different? Perhaps you should rent a few movies with TG/CD themes or work them into conversation to guage her reaction.

If you do your homework, you should have a really good idea how she is going to respond before you broach the subject. If you start getting a bad vibe when bringing up some of these topics, then you'll have to decide if you want to try to continue the relationship anyway, or back out gracefully while you can without letting her know the full story.

I was lucky... My SO was/is VERY open minded. Even before I 'came out' to her she had told me stories about having a TG friend that she and some other girls used to go shopping with. With that in mind, I knew that I was at least safe from open rejection.

[Steff26]

From my experience,the sooner the better. I wasted 2 years of being unhappy because of fear. No one has the right to strip you of who you are. And if she does not accept she is not worth it.IMO.
xoxo
Steff

[sandra-leigh]

2) **BEFORE YOU ARE MARRIED** (or engaged, for that matter)


I gotta agree with that, before you are engaged. By the time you are engaged, you've already made pretty strong promises to each other, and it isn't fair if the foundation of those promises had some hidden passages.

[kerrianna]

Sex on the second date .... what the h*$$ ... tell her...you're not goin marry this one ....

:raisedeyebrow: Oh really? How do you know?

I know someone who had sex on the FIRST date and over 2 decades later is very much married to her. :whistling:

Not only that, he errr... 'told' her about his CDing the first night. :heehee:

Tell her - what the heck - get it out of the way. If it's important to you then you don't want to be with someone who thinks you're a freak. And if she likes it.....:D

[Caroline]

I think that relationships have to be built on honesty, and that you should tell her immediately. Certainly I would have on the second date (nothing to do with the sex thing, just that I always explained it by then). If it ends the relationship, then the relationship would always have come to an end when she found out - unnless you had trapped her, and that brings other issues into play.

[arani5879]

You should tell her. I just told my girl friend of to much longer. Her reply was I already know. I asked her how she knew and she told me she just knew me.

[Kelsy]

We have alot of Brazilian people here and I find that Brazillian culture is more segmented than ours. The women are more apt to dress to the nines and love their fashions jewelry and nails and the men are more macho. I'm not at all certain there will be a greater degree of acceptance. It willl be somewhat difficult to get your message across the language barrier.

Jennifer

[Dixie]

You should tell her!
You should tellher right now!
You should wait.
You should....

just follow your heart, you are not seeking a long term commitment right now ie marriage so it should not matter. If you tell her and she is accepting you two could have some real fun together, however she may out you if she is not, or if you two split up.
You acn drive yourself crazy with the what ifs and the advice from us who are far removed from your actual situation, but the best advice I've seen given to you is to follow your heart.
Good luck and :drink: