Some thoughts on meeting others en femme

[EricaCD]

I've seen a recurring theme here about the difficulties many crossdressers experience in arranging in-person meetings. For most of us, there's an awfully large gulf between what we'd LIKE to do as crossdressers and what we actually WILL do. It's common for CDs to let fantasies about getting together outpace common sense...and the result often is flaking out on another person. More broadly, most of us are closeted in one sense or another (even those of us who get out regularly). Meeting another is an act of faith and, to some degree, vulnerability. And few of us like to feel even MORE vulnerable about this side of our lives.

The upshot of all this is that a fair measure of aggravation in developing a fem social life is often part of the territory. Still, I thought I might offer some suggestions to reduce the risk of disappointments for us - and hopefully to enable us to avoid creating disappointments for others.

This list is hardly original - most of these come from other contributors on this forum:

1. Get to know the other person fairly well online first. Try to arrange a voice IM chat, or talk on the phone a bit. (And if either you or the other person is unable or unwilling to do even this, recognize that a successful in-person meeting is a long shot.) Among other things, it's helpful to find out if you and your acquaintance have comparable personalities, common interests, etc. Our friend Marlena Dahlstrom wisely notes that just because two people are CDs does not mean they are going to have anything else in common! And a shared desire to dress en femme usually will not, of itself, suffice to engender (pun intended) a meaningful friendship.

2. Be ABSOLUTELY clear as to romantic boundaries. Are you both definitely interested in romance/sex, just friends, or "friends and maybe more"? If you are thinking "just friends", be reasonably certain that the other person understands and will respect that boundary. If one or both of you is hoping to live out a fantasy or pushing your limits, be prepared for the chance that one will not follow through.

3. Be clear about where you'd like to meet. I'm probably over-simplifying but it seems that there are three basic environments: private (someone's house or a hotel room), public/T-friendly (like a gay bar or trans-oriented club), or public/anywhere. Unless the meeting is for sex, mutual dress-up or romantic play, I'd be leery about meeting in private: in that case you REALLY need to be clear about parameters.

4. I would strongly recommend that you meet in environments where you are already comfortable en femme. If your outings to date have consisted of a couple dress-and-drives at night and one visit to a T-friendly club, don't plan to meet on Saturday afternoon at Starbucks. And don't be shy about being creative! If you want to meet another CD and you're both at the "dress and drive at night" stage, then arrange to meet for 1/2 hour in a mall parking lot at dusk.

5. (This is an unpleasant topic, but let's be honest.) If you're a CD or TS, be prepared to volunteer a photo or to be completely candid about your appearance. It never ceases to amaze me when a CD with no profile information and no photo complains that people aren't falling over themselves to meet up with her. People have different tastes and tolerances for presentation and passability - and a great deal will depend on the context of the meeting. I have written about my feelings on the subject here: http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-P09EApsyf5m8ZUMBw8RBU0UL?p=286. But the simple truth is (A) most people will want this information before meeting (especially in public) and (B) if you don't supply it, people will assume the very worst.

6. Avoid the temptation to plan meetings when in a "pink fog" mood. Y'all know what I mean.

7. And most importantly: If you do change your mind about a meeting (or if you are honestly late, detailed, etc.), LET THE OTHER PERSON KNOW!!!! It's astonishing that I even need to say this, but evidently I do.

Looking back at this list, you can fairly argue that I have effectively killed all the spontaneity and serendipity that can so enhance our erotic/sensual/sexual experiences. If "spur of the moment" is the only way to go for you, I wish you the best of luck. Still, I think some of these pointers can be successfully applied even on the fly. And hopefully we can all help one another as we progress from getting out by ourselves to developing a social life for our fem counterparts!

Any other tips or thoughts?
Erica

[Michelle (Oz)]

Thanks for the post Erica.

You are spot on with the difficulties. I am out and about fairly regularly and, except for 2 group meetings, never had company. Thankfully, I have made friends among staff and enjoy the chat with them.

Another problem to those you identify is the trust thing with my wife. She doesn't want me to put photos of myself on the internet and would be (totally unnecessarily) suspicious if I exchanged photos with a cross dresser. Yet, I'd want to follow the "rules" you outline above before meeting anyone.

I guess that the relatively lonely world of the cross dresser is just a fact of life. Still, it is one of the very few negatives to the joy of getting out and about.

Michelle (Oz)

[juliauklondon]

A couple of thoughts occur to me on this topic

Firstly - IMO two crossdressers together are more than twice as likely to be read, (compared to a lone crossdresser). Be aware that if you're used to 'passing' but then are seen next to someone who isn't, you're very likely to be 'read.' too

Secondly - In the event you wish to pass. Dress appropriate to the venue you're meeting in.


julia

[Jodi]

I might add--meet as a couple of guys for lunch first. This way no attention is drawn. You can relax and get to know one another. You can exchange pix at that time. You can also tell if the other is serious or is a flake.

Then if comfortable, plan a meet while dressed.

Jodi

[susie evans]

erica
i think you are right on in your coments i have been down this road before and have seen first hand the dissapointment that happens some times thanks for your comments hope all is well:hugs:

susie

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Erica,

This is great advice for all concerned. I'm quite lucky because I get to go out in public en femme to socialize with other people and my wife likes to come too, so some of the things you mention I haven't had to take heed to yet. When we (my wife and I) are out it's fairly obvious that either we are already in a group or if it''s just the two of us, that we are together. Although there have been a couple of times at nightclubs where guys have attempted to "chat her up" right in front of me and didn't know I was her husband.

There was one time where I was sitting chatting to another T-girl at a gay bar when Marla was over the other side of the room with others in our group. The T-girl I was talking to started to rub my leg and I was kind of shocked and told her I was married and that my wife was "just over there". Her reply was "oh, I thought all T-girls liked other T-girls" :rolleyes: .... err ... not this one I thought.

[Seville]

Thanks for the post Erica.

Another problem to those you identify is the trust thing with my wife. She doesn't want me to put photos of myself on the internet and would be (totally unnecessarily) suspicious if I exchanged photos with a cross dresser. Yet, I'd want to follow the "rules" you outline above before meeting anyone.

Michelle (Oz)

This is my case. If I was even to mention meeting anyone,
my days of C/D freedom would be over. The Riot Act
would not only be read, but fully enforced.

[Roxi Loh]

Erica...you have hit several nails on the head...

[AllieSF]

Great post. Since I have only been out as a lady twice, I like to meet in drab, at least myself, first. that way we get to know each other without my nervous ticks if I was dressed. It has worked well and we always meet in a nice safe place for coffee, shopping and a light meal.

[Susan.]

I don't want anyone to know that I dress; my wife and therapist are enough. I've never had a desire to meet another CD, TV, or TG while I am enfemme. I would not mind meeting them but I would want to be in drab, and them not knowing that I'm a CD. I am totally self-conscious as a man, much less as a female.

[brenya]

this is something I really need to remember, my imagination surpasses my logic

[Nicole]

Nice summary, Erica. It almost reads like the Scout Pledge:

1. Be compatible
2. Be clear
3. Be safe
4. Be comfortable
5. Be forthright
6. Be sane
7. Be courteous

I am relieved that the traditional pledge of "be thrifty" isn't #8. I would fail that one. :D

[Kate Simmons]

Only one I see missing is :"Be yourself".;):happy:

[MsJanessa]

Excellent post Ericka you are absolutly spot on, particularly about being clear on what the meeting is for(socializing, shopping, sex etc) and on calling to cancel if you can't go through with it--the latter is particularly important---I've spent hours talking on line and on the phone to some Girls---done it for weeks sometimes even months---only to have them not show up. I remember one in particular, told Me that she was making arrangements to go to the beauty shop to have her hair and make up done---I actually did the same--she was supposed to meet Me at 7:30--she didn't show but called about 7:45 and said she had just gotten off the phone with her father and a distant relative (a great aunt) had died but that she would be leaving shortly and be at My hotel room in about an hour---by 9:30 it was painfully clear she was not comming---btw she never posted or sent Me a photo so I guess maybe I lucked out by having her not show up

[marie354]

You're quite right with these guidelines. Great thread Erica!

One more thing to note...

If it's a date of some kind, make sure that they know you are a CD and not actually a member of the opposite sex. A lot of us here pass very well, judging by the photos and avatars I've seen. In other words... Don't lead them on. They may not be looking for a same sex kind of date. And for sure the first meeting should be en homme. (Or en femme if FTM.)

I specifically said CD... A TS may not want the other person to know, (what they used to be), as they may not be able to really tell. But still, caution and common sense is a must.

:hugs:

[JoAnnDallas]

My first time eneracting with another CDer was at HEF. I'm not sure if I could have meet another one-on-one the first time. Meeting others at a event or club meeting, makes it easier on all around. No expectations or assumtions are expected.
Many of the steps that have been outline are well worth taken to heart. If your meeting another CDer one-on-one that you have not meet before, being aware is correct. If it is someone you have meet before or from your Surport group, then that is different.
To me, meeting another CDer say for lunch or Tea, would only be a social outing. I have no inclidation on meeting another Cder for anthing other than friendship or social.

[sandy_folsom]

Erica - Very good post. I especially liked the one about doing things while in a "pink fog". My mind has come up with many crazy things while in a "pink fog".