Who Am I?

[Valerie Nicole]

Sorry everyone, but I'm afraid this is going to be a bit of a rant. Many of you have seen my post about changing my name, but I'm coming to realize that that is a reflection of a larger issue. I'm starting to struggle with who I am as a person, both when it comes to being Phil and my now-nameless feminine self. I'm honestly not sure who I am, or who I want to be. I've changed a lot since I started university...lately the changes have been for the better. Now I just don't know where I'm headed and I don't even really know who it is I'm going to be when I get out of this rough patch.

The last few times I saw my therapist (who I really need to get back to, it's been a month or two) she said she could see some big changes in me in just the few weeks I'd been seeing her. Apparently I was starting to appear a lot stronger and more confident. There are some things I didn't even tell her, oddly enough. She knew about the crossdressing, but I never even told her that I had an alternate identity (ie Jessica).

I don't dress as much anymore. It's probably been over a week since the last time, and when I did it then it was only for a few minutes at a time over a couple days. Before that, I don't know how long it had been but it had been a looong time. I still fantasize about dressing every day, but I don't feel the desire to actually do it.

I guess the short version is that I'm in a period of confusion, and I'm not sure what is going to happen to me by the time it is over. Thanks for listening.

[serinalynn]

Hi Phil This is mostly my oun thoughts. maybe something you may not want to dig your fingernails into but just my thoughts.
I have been self assessing my oun need to crossdress and I don't crossdress for work but I do wear womens items at work. I do however (maybe like most) do my dressing on weekends with my daughter(22) who is at least acknolges my dressing. On rare occasions I dress with my wife to go shopping.
I have been having the feeling of what the heck am I doing this for? Self edification? Yeah I guess! But then again I, being born a guy, I have to revert from being womanly to being manly and there are times I just like being a guy too. I have been thinking of giving Serina Lynn a break and just being the guy I was born as. After all, I am my wifes husband FIRST
and Serina Lynn Second. :tongueout :2c:

[kerrianna]

Hey hon, a lot of us go through/are going through that. All I can do is give you a :hugs: and say don't worry about it sometimes. Sometimes we make some progress and have to stop and check our bearings. That's not a bad thing.

The fact is we're all kind of wandering through the wilderness. The only time anyone can be sure of anything is when they TELL themselves that something is true. Otherwise, what do we really know for sure?

So explore, enjoy, just try to be in the present and listen to your body and your heart. It's not that the direction becomes clearer sometimes, but you get more comfortable with that sense of dislocation, which is often just us trying to see ourselves in the landscape without having that vantage point of actually seeing where we are. If that makes sense. :heehee:

:hugs: :love:

[Valerie Nicole]

Thank you serinalynn and kerrianna. Things have changed now, and I think I understand what was happening. Jessica was dying (or evolving, if you prefer that word). She was at a point of change, and like a phoenix she died and was reborn in the same instant. In her wake she has left a new identity: Valerie Nicole.

[marie354]

I am glad that you finally decided on a name that you think best suits your persona. It happens to a lot of us at one point or another and it's not an easy decision to make at all.

I think that your new name is nice, although I'd like to see an avatar picture of your femme self to associate with it.

I really glad that you've finally gotten through this change in your life.
:hugs:

[Lovely Rita]

Well, I would say easy does it and just relax. Whoever you are just take it nice and slow. Be good to yourself.

[Valerie Nicole]

I think that your new name is nice, although I'd like to see an avatar picture of your femme self to associate with it.

As soon as I have a good camera and a friend to do my makeup, you got it.

[gennee]

There will be those periods of adjustment and times you don't feel like dressing. It's par for the course. I'm happy that you settled on a name and are growing. Just enjoy the trip.

Gennee

:happy:

[Dixie]

Honey, I'm 39 years young and I still can't answer that question with anything more truthful and honest than "I'm Me". Do not beat yourself up about it it is normal for everyone, just muck through it enjoy it and keep on keppin' on. :drink:

[Caroline]

The Zen approach to CDing!

From a metaphysical point of view, the 'me' of today is different from the 'me' of yesterday, and the 'me' of tomorrow will be different from both. The illusion of continuity is just that: an illusion. Don't worry about it; just continue to be whatever you are, at that moment in time.

[Chantelle CD]

The Zen approach to CDing!

From a metaphysical point of view, the 'me' of today is different from the 'me' of yesterday, and the 'me' of tomorrow will be different from both. The illusion of continuity is just that: an illusion. Don't worry about it; just continue to be whatever you are, at that moment in time.

Very well said sister :)