How hard has it been 4 U

[Chantelle CD]

I would like to know about the pain we all have been threw in regards to CD'ing, How has having to hide hurt you? how has a parent scared you for your being soft and gentle? how has the kids in school bullied you because they sense you are different? I want to share our hurts, and fears, in hopes to help rid them once and for all, to share them with the SO's so they may better understand us, so we may bring ourselves closer to our SO's.

I know compatibility may end some of our relation's not just with our SO's but with friends that have found out, and even family members that just plain judge so harshly, lets share OK?


Chantelle

[boygirl]

it has been very hard for me, chantelle, i have been doing this all on my own, not really much help. And none from the parents for sure.

Chrissy

[Marla S]

Comparing my life and mood now with the one I had before accepting and living it, it is a rebirth.
During the last decade or more it has been a slow but steady agony of the soul. Finally I have been more of a zombie and actually almost looked like one.
I can't say I felt like one, because a Zombie doesn't feel much.

EDIT: A BIG THANK YOU for the forum administrators, their staff, and this community.

[Joy Carter]

I could write a book. In short I lost my career. I found out from my wife, had she known before we married she wouldn't have married me. I'm still trying to get over that one. So in short It ain't been easy. I'm doing OK now. I accept me for me and though I'd like more from others. I'm not about to come out to them.

[Annesah]

It's realy not been too hard short of feeling that I had to hide Annie for most of my life. It was only the result of the bravery of others that I finally found the courage to bring her out in the open. Life would have been so different if I had been born twenty or thirty years later. How often we all probably say that! Having said that, I am so happy to have been allowed to set her free.:happy:

[Emily Ann Brown]

Swap ya Joy.....mine found out and not only wouldn't have married me if she knew she is divorcing me.


Emily Ann

[jete2_ballet]

How hard. What a question!!!! (and I mean that in a good way).

No one knows and probably no one ever will other than cyber space.

I am staggered on a daily basis how so called humans view the world thru a straw(a small one at that).

I would be ostracised by all that i care about, if they knew. I am very much alone even though I have a large immediate family.

I am lucky I have strong artistic/music interests as it has kept me sane.

I work in a industry where it is inhabited by angry males who hate there wives, and if you speak well you must be a poof.

Hard???? I honestly dont know probably a bit shell shocked I think.

Sorry if I sound bitter I am not. Just calling it how i see it.

I am actually a very positive person. I just seem to be the only one over here.

Luv to all.

[DeeInGeorgia]

For me, talking about it or writing about it does not take the long term hurt and anger away. My answer to your request is quite long, but you asked for it.

My parents were not ones to show physical affection, the only time I got touched was when I was spanked. My 2 year younger sister had the same problem, but at least Mom would braid her hair fairly often and she would get to sit on Mom’s lap for the braiding or pigtail making. My mother was quite proud that she had taught me to hold onto her skirt when we crossed the road, instead of holding her hand. This was the toddler to 5 year old range. I ended up being pretty much a loaner. At age 5, I taught myself to ride a bike, as my dad was gone most of the time and mom didn’t know how to ride.

Dad would do what he wanted, but Mom otherwise was the power person of the family.

I look today to women having the real power in the world, mostly due to my mother as well as my treatment by girls and women during my formative years. Just before the 1st grade, we moved to a duplex that we rented one half and the other half was owned by the family that lived in the other half. This other family had 3 girls, so between my sister 2 years younger than me and the 3 girls next door, I was surrounded by girls. This was when I first tried on the first item of feminine clothing, a petticoat of my sister’s. I got my first rejection from girls in the First and Second grades, with the first really big impact coming in the 3rd grade. My family had moved to a new town and house just before my 3rd grade. Our house was somewhat isolated. There was a kid my age at the top of the hill that was sports oriented and would not associate with me. The kid next door was 4 years older than me and for the most part would not play with me. That left the next door neighbor girl that was my age, and my sister, to play with if I really needed to play with someone. In class in the 3rd grade, I formed a crush on this blonde girl that sat just in front of me in school. She did not like that I pulled her pigtails to indicate an interest in her, and the teacher separated us permanently.

Living on the side of a hill covered with brush, trees and poison ivy, there was no way to practice baseball or basketball, and being a small kid, no practice and size resulted in me growing up not being athletic. Unless a school teacher was present and mandated I play, I was shunned and not picked to be on any team for softball or basketball during recess.

I got hung on a hook in the coat closet in 5th grade. In the 7th grade, I asked a girl to be my girlfriend, and was turned down. In the 6th or 7th grade, I took a year of ballet, until I did poorly in class and my father mandated I stop ballet. In the 8th grade, I flunked out of P.E. and had to do it over again, so for the 9th, 10th and 11th grades I was in P.E. with kids a year younger than me.

I took 3 years of choir in high school, and during the 3rd year (10th grade), I was teased before one class by an older black girl because I had never kissed a girl and had never French kissed a girl. I was crying like crazy when the teacher came into the classroom, and he had to take me to his office and wait while he finished class. I asked one girl to go to a during school baseball game and was turned down. I asked one girl to go to the senior prom, (she was 2 years younger than me) and her parents would not let her go.

In the 9th grade, I started working in a gas station to make money to pay to go to Japan to the 13th world Jamboree with the Boy Scouts. I could not stand the smell of beer and was not interested in smoking. So I was not cool or a Bad Boy that the girls seemed to chase. No girl ever showed any interest in me. One girl even told me that I was lazy and hated me. After seeing how the alcoholics that worked at the gas station treated their girlfriends, I vowed to never treat women badly. During this time, I got nicknames like twinkletoes, and chipmunk and zipper (stand sideways and stick my tongue out) and a host of others that I cannot remember. I was also very embarrassed about my body and could not use the communal boys bathrooms at school if another boy was in there ( the stall did not have doors because of smoking in the bathroom problem) so I had to find the few hidden away single occupancy bathrooms to use.

I did take one girl out to a movie in high school. She was a friend of my sister.

In community college, I asked one girl out, and was turned down, she had a boy friend.

In college, I asked another girl out and was turned down. College was where I met a girl of greek descent that had more body hair than I did, and she didn’t have all that much body hair. I crossdressed during high school, but during college, did not have the privacy to crossdress.

After college, I took up square dancing to try to meet girls. Over a period of 7 years, I asked out over 60 girls, went out at least once with at least 28, and had only one long term relationship with a divorcee 12 years my senior. I was seen by all those women as a good square dancer, and they would go out with me to go dancing but were not interested in me as anything other than a dance partner. It was exceedingly painful dancing and dating these women and not seeing any kind of interest in me in their eyes.

I also took up crossdressing again as a way to handle the pain and loneliness and rejection that I received from women during this time. There was one 4 day Thanksgiving weekend that I spent 3 days in bed crying from loneliness. I finally lost my virginity to a one night stand I met at an after wedding party after the wedding of two friends. I had even gone on a date with the bride before she met her husband to be. The one night stand was a friend of the bride. She later told her best friend (who had seen us leave together) that I had followed her home and raped her. Luckily, the friend didn’t believe the lady, and in fact we dated for a couple of months. She found out that I was not that kind of person, but she also discovered I was not any kind of a bad boy, and quit dating me. I was 2 weeks shy of my 28th birthday.

My one long term relationship with the woman 12 years older than me started about a year earlier and we dated without sex for 8 months or so when we broke up. 4 months later the one night stand, then 1 month with the friend of the one night stand, then about a year later, I started dating the older woman again. This time, since she had had a hysterectomy, she was willing to have sex with me, but then I wanted to move toward marriage and she did not. So we broke up again. I then moved to California to find a wife, and did.

I have had years of rejection and pain from women. And now I dress like one whenever I can.

Dee

[terrilynn]

Where to start? 10 minutes of staring at the screen, remembering so much that has happened in my life from being who I am, wow.

I started to dabble in dressing sometime around 12 or 13 ( not sure exactly when), but was very much into it by the time i started JR High. In a small west texas town of less than 10,000, it was looked upon as strange that a boy of my size for that age didnt really want to play football, I had a much more (to me at least) interesting area of life to explore. This 'being apart' from kids my age led to lots of negative interactions from the others, except for 3 or 4 very close friends ( who still have no idea). Depression, denial, and some serious bouts of 'am I the only one?'.

7 years of denial while serving in the army only brought the feelings back stronger when I was finally out on my own. I think I was very happy with where I was at that time, finding a good, level balance within myself, and finally seeing that i had these femme feelings and could enjoy and accept who I was.

When my future wife moved in with me, I slipped back to the old habit from my youth of hiding this part of me deep and totally out of sight from anyone, but still dressed whenever I got the chance. Eventually she found out, then she told my father what she had discovered (they were very close to each other), I was totally crushed, purged everything, and of course the denial of 'me' just brought the old black cloud of depression back. My dad only asked me one time about it, we discussed it a bit, then nothing was ever said about it again, but I know it crushed him some.

So far, only my wife and father are the only two of my family that know about Terri. My mom suspected I think (see my thread about A Different Slant to Purging), but I dont know for sure. A few other of us girls know Terri, but not closely.

Would I do it different if I had a choice too? I doubt it. The experiences I have had, good and bad, have only served to make me who I am, and I would never have met this other person who really is pretty cool to have around.:winking::D:happy:

Terrilynn

[Wendy me]

oh yar the hiding the lying fear of being found out the guilt the shame you all know what i am talking abought ..... then on the outside being the who in who's who.... while being totally clueless abought who or what i am .... all dressed up and pretty feeling so wrong and so right at the same time ..... how hard has it been for me ??? it's had it's up's and downs but comparison to some not that bad now i am not out to everyone my wife is unsouportive and i would cause big time scandal if i was outed .....

so how can i say not bad??? look around tales of cross dressers all over in not so good ways ....things could be better but things could be worse than they are ......to me going back into my past serves no use .... the past is history today and tomorrow are what matter.......

[Chantelle CD]

I was always the kind of little boy that would friend ones that were bullied, picked on, i would admire flowers and such in fields, not like most boys that tromped threw them. Never have i belittled anyone, have always tried not to hurt anyones feelings, and to this day, <i am 43 years old> have i ever struck a single person, not 1 fight in my life. But i know if i had to, i could to protect myself, and or a loved one, if i had to, but it would be to take them out as fast as possible, hitting at points that will leave them incapable of moving.<hope that never happens>

I am the only boy in my family and have 3 sisters. My mom was over nurturing, and my dad was verbal abusive alcoholic, he seen the soft side in me, and always put me down, and pushed me away, calling me names like boobish and rubbish. I was tall and skinny <still am> my first girlfriend in grade 8, and lasted almost a year, <she was really nice> and not another one until i was like 24. Never fit in at school, couldn't be a bad boy, or a jock, i liked art. Woman were not attracted to me, all the woman that i attracted or that liked me, had hang ups, hurt me <lied to compulsively, cheated on, wanted to change me, instead of accepting me as i am> but threw it all i never stopped being caring and wanting to be there for people.

I always looked at my sisters and wanted to be more like them, i played with them all the time, dolls ect, and that bothered my dad a lot!! raided my moms dresser and wore her pantyhose under my pants with socks over them so i wouldn't get caught, cut out pics of woman from moms old womans magazines, and put them on a piece of cardboard, and use to just stare at them and admire and want to be like them, pushed those feelings away from the guilt i would feel over it. My very first cigarette i smoked, i stole from my moms pac, sneaked out to the bush, and smoked it lady like, but for the most part, i never let it get out of hand, i pushed it away hard as i could, and for as long i as could. And hated myself for these feelings that always came back, I didn't put on my first bra, until i was mid 20's and found it on a job site under someones washing machine, so i snagged it thinking no one would miss it, lot of old dust on it, so figured it was lost a long time hehe I used condoms filled with water, and i blew up, i was like in heaven, and ashamed at the same time, it was sexual, and after satisfaction, i took it off with disgust, over and over an over again, until i threw it out one day, and longing for another bra, started to haunt me, and wouldn't go away. I bought another one, and threw it away too, prolly did that way to Meany times to remember!!! Never really put on a dress until i broke down and got a outfit,( just remembered this outfit now, i had totally forgotten about it, until this very moment..WOW)age 26 ish, i felt so beautiful, but the feelings were so powerful, i would feel like a real woman so so strongly, and even there sexual desires, and when i would play with it then, after satisfaction, my male self would be disgusted with myself, and take it all of, and feel ashamed!!! I am not a gay man at all, i love woman and being with them, but this other side, this woman inside of me was screaming to come out, and i fought her!!! omg i fought her!!! until i threw that outfit away, and didn't get another one until my SO helped me get one soon after we met. Age 39. so it has been a constant fight, with this Chantelle woman!!! if she hadn't brought the sexual side into it, my male side might not have fought so much, but it was there, now i dress and it doesn't excite me, i just let her come out, and she heals me now, i thank my SO, so so deeply for her understanding and acceptance, for now i have for the first times feeling peace with myself, i also want to thank all of you, and this fourm as well!!! <bows humbly> Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart Thank you!!

I have always been a spiritual person, that is why i mention some of the things i have in my replies to some of the threads, i have always asked for enlightenment, and wanted to learn more the why or how are we here, such a miracle isn't it. There was a point in my life, where i did a lot of soul searching, self healing, i threw away dressing at this time, to heal my hurts from my upbringing, and have learned a lot about how we all as humans, take in hurt from past experiences, and act and react over and over again, and yes even blame others for our own actions, I meditate often, believe in spirit guides or angels, have had a lot of out of body experiences, and even became a certified level 2 reiki healer. Dressing has opened me up to feeling so much more of myself i cant even explain in words, I am coming to a deeper sense of understanding myself every day now, and trying to learn how not to be ashamed of this side of myself, but deep down i know i have had just as Meany life times as a female as i have as a male, i have seen a few of them in meditations, i am starting to believe that being aware of this, allowing self expression this way is a part of spiritual development, cross dressing goes back a long long way, in human history, how can it not be a part of evolution in some way, and totally spiritually balancing. Woman can balance themselves easily and accepted openly, men open to there female side for balance, are nothing more than freaks and sexually ugly!! This is a human belief that men have to be macho, rough, he men, to be a man, but in fact, it is what separates us men from growing and being all we can be. Not being the rough and tough kinda guy has hurt me over the years, yes, but the hurt will never stop me from being compassionate, caring, openly loving, and nurturing!! i would be doing nothing but diminishing myself if i let it!

So yes there was a lot of hurt, but there is a light at the end of that tunnel. is cross dressing an obsession? is it a way to express the female side for balance? or is it that we were born this way, like homosexuals? or is it instilled in us because of our upbringing? maybe it is really just a way to balance energy's, and since we cant do that aside from hiding it so completely, and behind closed doors and in the dark from the curtains drawn so tightly, we go all the way with it at those times, just to balance!!

Either way, its all GOOD isn't it!! Its time to love who we are, no more running, hiding yes i think has to be, until humanity evolves enough to see and not judge, but let people express as they see fit, because everyone needs to express as they need, for not every soul is on the same path to evolve!!

Once again my friends i thank you, i thank you for being you, just the way u are. I love you all
:love:
Chantelle

[Seville]

I have had years of rejection and pain from women. And now I dress like one whenever I can.

Dee

This says it all...

[Kelsy]

I can't say that Cding has made my life to difficult but only a few know the real me. I have my inner struggles and bouts with depression. The thing that bothers me most though, is that I have a sense that the other shoe has not dropped! That someday I will be outed and many of the people I have hidden this from will find out! Quite frankly that scares the hell out of me:eek:

Jennifer:happy:

[Dixie]

I don't know if scarred or hurt or the correct words to describe me, but it saddens me that we can't be open about our crossdressing without having to keep looking over our shoulder. I think that someday it really will be "no big deal" but for now we still have to be so cautious.

[AmandaM]

Let's see. I hate people. Yup, I think that sums it up!

Seriously, I don't have any close friends, cause.... they can't hurt you.