So, who’s that ‘guy’ over there?

[Ms. Donna]

Nothing triggers dysphoric anxiety quite like the idea of having do the suit and tie thing for some 'formal' event...

:: Earlier that day ::

"That sounds like fun. It's a good reason to get dressed up!"

That was the reply from the girl at Starbucks that morning. She asked what I was doing for the weekend and I told her "My wife and I have a wedding reception to attend this evening."

I tell her this as I stand there looking, well, like I do: roll-neck sweater, wavy shoulder-length hair, purse on my arm... I have to wonder what she means by 'dressed up'. She knows I have two daughters (as I've been in there with them often enough) and that I'm married, so I have to assume she sees though / over / around the gender variance / transness and I (simply) get dropped in the 'guy' box. :: sigh ::

I know what she means. It means that 'Gary' gets cleaned up and does the 'guy thing' as best as he can. It means I polish up the wing-tips, press a dress shirt, pull out a suit and find a tie I 'like'. It means I have to be this 'guy' so that everyone else can be comfortable around me - so that my wife can be comfortable around me. It means I have to reinforce an image of me which is not simply inaccurate but flat our wrong. It means I have to once again hide in plain sight.

It means that I have to - in a very planned and deliberate way - publicly deny the reality of my being: and somehow, I'm supposed to be happy while doing it.

I know, "It's just for a few hours. You used to do it all the time - how bad can it be?"

Not bad enough to make an issue of it - but bad enough to have triggered the dysphoric noise days before. Yea, I'll survive the evening and by the next day it will be a memory...

But I shouldn't have to feel like this at all.

I shouldn't have to lie and pretend and compromise because of who I am.

:: Later that day ::

As we're getting ready, my wife says to me, "You don't have to go you know."

I look at her. "Why?", I ask.

"Because I know you don't want to go wearing a suit.", she replies.

"No, not wearing a suit...", I tell her, "But I do want to go."

So, I put on my 'man-drag'. We skipped the tie and did some different shoes but look was unmistakable - pretty much...

My wavy shoulder-length layered hair looks decidedly non-masculine. There are ways for 'men' to wear longer hair and mine is not one of them. The earrings - relatively simple hoops but also decidedly non-masculine balanced nicely with my hair. I looked in the mirror and had trouble seeing a 'man' by stereotypical standards. I didn't look like a woman in a men's suit - no, that was not a mistake which would be made - but I certainly didn't look like a 'regular guy'. It occurred to me at that point that I may not come off androgynous, but there was definitely something gender-bent about the whole look. I looked in the mirror and kinda liked what I saw - not enough to do it every day, but enough to do on the odd occasion.

My wife said I looked good, which meant she was comfortable - which really is something I do care about. My daughters had a good laugh. It seems that to them, 'Daddy in a suit' is something rather comical. My wife told them, "I don't think Daddy appreciates being laughed at." I know she gets that it's kind of a big deal for me to do the suit thing so I did appreciate that.

My wife's family all have known me for going on 25 years, so they're going to see 'Gary the guy' no matter what. But people who don't know me - that's a different issue. Our table was next to the wedding party and I noticed throughout the evening that a few of the bridesmaids kept looking over at me - as did several other people as I walked around. I know the look - it's not the 'Dude, you look cool!' look but the 'Dude, what's up with that?' look. I took some silent satisfaction in subverting the gender norms as a 'guy'.

I suppose what it all came down to was deciding to own my identity - as opposed to allowing my identity to be owned. I figured that if I can 'queer the binary' in women's clothing, I ought to be able to do the same in men's - albeit with a bit different effect and outcome. Sure, people saw Gary - husband and father - but it was my version of him and not the stereotyped version.

And in the end, what made it all work out well was the fact that my wife and I had a good time together: we hugged, we danced - and while I know we didn't look 'typical' (and I have to assume she knows this as well) she seemed ok with it... Which is really pretty cool.

Regards,
Donna

[GypsyKaren]

Interesting thread Donna, and I'm sure it's something that most of us have had to deal with at one time or another. My daughter got married last summer, and I not only promised to not show up in a dress, but that I'd be there as dad. I really had no problem doing it for her, after all it was her day and not mine, but that didn't mean I had to enjoy looking like a guy again, because I sure didn't.

It would have possibly been more stomachable if I had gotten away with just doing the suit thing, but instead I got roped into the whole tuxedo nightmare. I made it through the day, and I did enjoy seeing my girl getting married, and I will always remember and cherish our dance together, but the me inside of that thing was miserable and couldn't wait to bust out. I also felt so lost in it, like it was 3 sizes to big for me...the things we must do for our children.

Karen

[Maggie Kay]

A well written, descriptive and evocative post, Donna.

I can completely relate to the forced march back to the "guy" image. I would drop all pretense at being a guy and adopt all feminine attributes in a heartbeat if it were not for family. My wife and daughter knew me as a man and I don't want to take their husband/father away from them. Yet, for me "He" is already history. I anticipate being at the wedding of my daughter someday and imagine I'll be making the same compromises that were discussed here.

Dressing in drab has been referred to as a costume for everyone else's comfort by my wife. She sees that they simply don't need to know and what is expedient to her is for me to dress as I was assigned i.e. a man. Well, she is right to a point. Strangers don't matter in what they think about me but there is a point when considering strangers reactions too much never lets me fulfill my need to express myself as feminine. The notion of only dressing in the house was brought up. Why go out dressed in women's clothes, when their opinions don't matter, yet their scorn can hurt? She says.

Well, it is a matter of identity, not just getting along unnoticed in society. Why choose this top over that top then? If nothing looks good i.e. all male stuff, then why not just dress in a khaki work uniform and wear the same outfit every day? Seriously, we do all express our philosophy in everything we put on and how we decide to appear to others. Humans are social creatures and it cannot be isolated or wished away. SO when I am forced to drab down, I take a psychological hit. I experience the emotional repercussions of retarding my progress in learning how to cope with GID. It just plain sucks.

[Sharon]

Even with the compromise with your appearance, and the struggles you have in accepting the need for the compromise, I'm glad you had a good time, Donna.

This is an issue that I have increasingly been dealing with myself, and it hasn't been easy to say the least. The one huge difference between you and me is that I don't have a wife to be concerned about. I do have children, however, but they don't live with me.

I have, for all intents and purposes, stopped socializing with those people who won't accept me as I am, and who ask third parties to "please" ask me to not show up at functions if dressed in a manner they view as inappropriate. This includes relatives who all seem to have family gatherings this time of year. It is even becoming difficult visiting my mother lately, and when I do visit her, all I do now is simply remove my make-up and falsies, tie back my hair, and thank higher powers that her vision isn't as good as it used to be.

Sometimes I feel a need to look in the mirror to see if I have horns, because these are all people I have known for many, many years and as far as I can tell, I act no worse than I did in the past.

[Ms. Donna]

Do keep in mind that our change can and does have profound effects on people - and they often need time to work through it all. Have a look at Grief, Loss and Change (http://wanderingaloud.wordpress.com/2007/05/16/grief-loss-and-change/) for more of my thought on this. Nonetheless, I can understand dropping those who are not supportive. We have enough negativity because of this that there really is no good reason for one to surround oneself with non-supportive people: family makes it that much more difficult. :(

In some ways, being married has actually helped with respect to being 'accepted'. As a husband and father, I basically get an automatic 'pass' with respect to my transness. The hair, earrings, more-or-less androgynous appearance - even the purse... all are 'overlooked' largely because I have a wife and children. Husband & Father = Man: no questions need be asked. I'd have to go 'out of my way' to get friends and family to start asking questions.

I consider myself lucky in that what I need to be comfortable as me allows me a degree of freedom to sort of 'switch sides' without taking too big of a psychological hit. It also helps that I don't need to be seen 'unambiguously' as a woman: if I did, I know that things would be very different. However, while this has been able to work to my advantage, it also has proved to be a source of much angst (http://wanderingaloud.wordpress.com/2007/05/14/david-and-goliath/) for me at times as well. There are certain realities of my identity which I will never be able to escape, and to large extent, I simply need to learn how to live with them.

One of these is that no matter what, I will always be gendered as either a man or a woman - dispite the fact that neither is appropriate because both make assumptions about me which are not accurate. This is a reality which is not likely to change in my lifetime - or maybe ever. So I can either allow the fact that I will never be recognized as I personally identify to eat me up, or I can deal with it. And part of my dealing with it has been to (as best as I can) 'own my identity'.

Others may want to ascribe a gender or other such identity to me. While I cannot stop them from doing so, I don't have to make it easy for them - or comfortable (as is sometimes the case.) So even if I have to 'be a guy', it will not be a stereotypical 'guy' - it will be my interpretation thereof. Very much like playing someone else's peice of music, but at the same time making it your own.

Much of this has come out of the past year's experiences both at home and at work - a lot of thinkin', readin' & writin' about 'stuff' (http://wanderingaloud.wordpress.com/) - and I think kind of growing into a more complete person. The six months centered around new years brought with them experiences and opportunities I wouldn't have imagined a few years ago and I think it all has helped to better center me and allow me to just be myself as opposed to working at it.

Not that it's all suddenly become easy or something... :rolleyes:

Regards,
Donna

[Calliope]

Yeah, that was a well-communicated post. All I have to add is how much I bristle when I see the word dysphoria. You see, I reject dysphoria if it's meant to describe me. I believe dysphoria describes most of the world. From what you wrote, it sounds like you had a dysphoric situation imposed on you. And it seems you and your family dealt with it the spirit of loving compromise.

[Stlalice]

Donna,

"Nothing triggers dysphoric anxiety quite like the idea of having..."

I have to agree with your post here. I go through a variation on that every time I put on the uniform and go to work in what is at best a "don't ask, don't tell environment". I'm glad that things went well for you at the affair. About the only relief I'll get is when I retire in 2 to 3 years. Hang in there and write when you can - I for one look forward to your posts. :hugs:

[Ms. Donna]

I reject dysphoria if it's meant to describe me.

Describe my mood - maybe. Describe me - no way.

From Wikipedia:

Dysphoria is generally characterized as an unpleasant or uncomfortable mood, such as sadness (depressed mood), anxiety, irritability, or restlessness. Etymologically, it is the opposite of euphoria.

I use dysphoria as defined above and not in a clinical (DSM) sense.

You can read some of my thoughts on GID / Gender Dysphoria here (http://wanderingaloud.wordpress.com/donnas-philosophy/#dsmiv). I suspect we are pretty much on the same page with respect to our opinions on this. :)

Regards,
Donna

[Sarahgurl371]

Donna I am glad to read that you enjoyed hte evening all and all and that you and your wife have found a way of "dealing" with the issue.

A few months ago my brother got married and I was the "best man". I can tell you that "dysphoria" definitley applied to my mood for several weeks prior to the event. I was very happy for, and proud of my brother. And I was proud to be asked to be the best man. Although for weeks prior, even months prior when he asked, the thought process was "okay, I have to pretend to be all man for the day, I owe it to my brother." "I have to find a way to just silence all this noise in my head for just one day, and keep up appearances." I experienced so much anxiety in those days leading up to, and the day of the wedding.

Like your wife said to you "you don't have to go...." That is how I have been dealing with social situations for several years now. It just seems easier, easier to stay home, by myself where no one can make that judgement and I don't have to pretend.