Needing Help (bf is interested in cding)

[kipkat125]

Hey,

I just found out that my bf is interested in cding. When I confronted him he said it was b/c he was molested by a crossdresser when he was 8. I want to be supportive but I need to understand this more, he is reluctant to talk more and I dont know how to help. I love him so much, I just want him to be happy, with or without me. Where do I go from here? What is ASAP and outcall? He has been emailing men other cders from craiglist. He will write at 9 am and ask to get together at 10 am, for asap or outcall. Then he will write that he cant get together.
He has been writing to other men, but making it acutally impossible to get together. I love him and just want him to be happy!!
I need advice. Should I stay?

[kerrianna]

Hi Kipkat, welcome to the forum.

I merged your 2 posts into this new thread so we can directly answer you.


It sounds like you need to talk to your BF about his behaviour. It sounds unhealthy and potentially dangerous at the least.

If he's getting together with men then he's cheating on you and exposing you to serious health issues.

If he's just messing with them he's also messing with himself. You can help him by getting him to talk and trust you and more than likely getting him to seek some professional help.

Molestation as a child is a very very harmful thing that is not easily overcome. He needs professional help and guidance. I hope he can find his way there.

We'll help you all we can from here, but I do hope you can talk to him.
:hugs:

[Kelsy]

Hi Kipkat,

You have come to a very good place for support and it has been my experience that there are many who can help you through. I would say that most CDers here did not have their beginnings by abuse or by being molested.
Your bf may have alot of unresolved problems as a result of his experiences.
It may be wise to try to seek some professional counceling. What kind of relationship do you guys have? is it one where you can communicate well?
You need to be open and discuss these things if you can. I'm not going to pretend like I have all the answers but there many here who can offer you sound advice. Please stick around and ask questions, you are welcome here.

:hugs:Jennifer

[AmandaM]

I think if you took a poll here that the amount of CDers who were molested is probably LESS than the general population.

To answer your question, he's looking for sex. Even if he short-circuits it before it happens. I would suggest you tell him to work with you on this. If he don't, dump him.

[Joy Carter]

Hi and welcome.

I knew one girl who was molested repeatedly by his two older bothers. They dressed him as a girl and did their thing on him from age six till about ten. I came across him as he was working as a transvestite prostitute. So I guess your bf maybe telling the truth.
I just want you to know he is in risk for STD, so don't be intimate with him. I know it's not my place to tell you that. But then I don't want anyone to get sick because of someone's else's risky behavior.

Again, hello and welcome. You have come to the right place.

[sandra-leigh]

I just found out that my bf is interested in cding. When I confronted him he said it was b/c he was molested by a crossdresser when he was 8.

That's a hard one. If that happened, then there is the danger that every time he cross-dresses, he's getting reminded of the molestation, which would essentially turn every dressing session into a recreation of the traumatic experience; except that by recreating it, he could be putting himself in the position of power (the crossdresser), and by so doing, attempting to mentally process and master the past experience.

I have to reserve judgement as to whether the molestation incident occured. I'd like to say "Crossdressers don't do that!", but crossdressers are fallible humans too, and it could have really happened. But it also possible that your bf invented that part as an excuse, to give himself a reason why he's not really responsible for his cross-dressing. Crossdressing can be a very powerful urge from a very very young age (even from 2 years old), but to a lot of people it is still considered a very shameful urge, so your bf might have invented a lie or might have "re-imagined" his childhood to give himself reasons for his behaviour. If you have a chance to look around here a fair bit, you will find that a number of the people even here aren't especially happy about the fact they crossdress -- which doesn't stop them from loving the crossdressing. Self-acceptance, to recognize that one is a crossdresser and that that's OK, can be one of the very hardest parts; some of regulars here have not been able to gain that level of acceptance of themselves even though they've been crossdressing for over 50 years.

One thing I can say is that crossdressing is not the same as being homosexual. Apparently studies have shown that crossdressers are less likely than average to be homosexual. But there are crossdressers who would classify themselves as homosexual. There are also crossdressers who consider themselves to be women, to have always been women except with the wrong body; such crossdressers, "transexuals", do not consider themselves to be homosexual either: they consider themselves to be "straight", interested in plain male/female relationships, considering themselves to truly *be* female. (For completeness, I will also indicate that there are transexuals who go all the way through Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS), but are still very much interested in relationships with women only. They love women so much that they want to be a woman. Some of these consider themselves to be lesbian; others in that situation just don't try to classify themselves as one thing or another.)



I want to be supportive but I need to understand this more, he is reluctant to talk more and I dont know how to help. I love him so much, I just want him to be happy, with or without me. Where do I go from here?

There are a number of good books and web sites available. I don't have the names and locations at hand, but I'm sure some of the others will contribute. And you could try getting him to come here and talk: we have a really wide variety of people, and an amazing amount of compassion and wisdom amongst the members.


What is ASAP and outcall? He has been emailing men other cders from craiglist. He will write at 9 am and ask to get together at 10 am, for asap or outcall. Then he will write that he cant get together.
He has been writing to other men, but making it acutally impossible to get together.

Ummm, I don't know for sure without the context, but ASAP and outcall would tend to be associated with making arrangements to get together for sex. "ASAP" is usually the abbreviation for As Soon As Possible, but it could be that it has developed a different meaning amongst whomever he is talking to. "Outcall" is a visit outside of the place of business of the other person; it is a term often used for "Escorts" and for prostitutes, and it also has meaning for perfectly clean and innocent massage therapists. (There are also masseuses who provide massages with some sexual services who use the same term.) An "outcall" differs from an "incall" in that an "incall" involves going to the other person's place of business -- to a prostitute's apartment, to the (completely legitimate and innocent) massage therapist's office, to the not-so-innocent massage "with extras" office.

I don't mean to be over-bold, but based upon the little you wrote, the most probable interpretation of ASAP and outcall is that your bf would like to get together with someone else for gay sex, but at the last minute decides he can't go through with it that time.

This is a difficult issue, because if that is the case, you need to know whether your bf already has or has plans to have gay sex; if so, then you will have to decide how you feel about that. If he's already done it, or is straining to actually do it, then it is vital that health issues be considered. Some male prostitutes are extremely conscientious about health issues and are actually less likely to present health problems than a random person, but other male prostitutes are not healthy at all; some of them may urge your bf to have unprotected anal sex, for example.

[Caroline]

Sounds very much to me that he's trying to set up assignations for gay sex and then backing out of the encounter.

Personally, I would encourage him to seek counselling - and find another boyfriend.

And I would never have unprotected sex with him, not because of the gay thing, but because he is contemplating sex with other people outside your relationship - unless you also want that sort of thing for him.

[kipkat125]

Thank you so much for your response. The pressure of this has been hard on me too, especially having no one to talk to. I have sent hime to counseling, he wont really open up too much to me. He just freaks out once in awhile and calls in the middle of the night and threatens to kill himself. I tell him i love him and will help him. HOWEVER, I can deal with the crossdressing and even the attempts at gay sex, I have caught him takling to other girls!!! Even after he cried in my arms and told me his problems!!! He said I was his best friend and he has never been closer to anyone else. I am trying to move on but still trying to help him b/c I know he needs it.

As for the molestation, well I dont know if it is true. He says his brothers were too. No one ever talks about it. I just know he needs help, he says he wants me to be his shrink, but I cant.
In the end, dont I have to do whats best for me?

Thanks so much for your advice,all of you. I cant believe how helpful and kind you all were. I was afraid to post for some backlash.


THanks a billion.

[Tree GG]

I won't comment on possible reasons for his behavior - that is way out of my realm of experience and the gurls here seem to be on top of that.

I'd like to just say hi, welcome to the forum and hope we can help. IMO, you seem to be doing great! Yes, you have to do what's best for you and I commend you for not just throwing him away, but continuing to care and help him.

[MJ]

just be good friends thats all and try to help but he as got to help himself

[O2B Barbara]

As someone that loves him my opinion is that you should encourage him to seek counseling. As a friend my opinion is that you should encourage him to seek counseling.

You do not seem to be overly with the desire to crossdress but more with the method and direction he seems to be heading. All you can do is be there and offer support. From the sounds of his actions he is putting you at risk, this you should not have to be a part of. Keep yourself safe and sane and help the best you can.

Hugs,

[Kerry Owens]

He needs counseling, and soon. Just the threats of suicide alone are a marker of severe problems that should not be ignored. Once his feet are little more on terra firma, then you can work with him if there is going to be a continuing relationship, but remember, if he's had homosexual encounters you do take a chance with a STD, and some of those are still deadly.

[Denielleinheels]

Now I don't know much but I feel he is bi-curious and hiding behind dressing. I only say this because I get hit up constantly by straight men. The know I am a cd and they are STRAIGHT. Why would they want me if they are straight? He may just be curious and is prepping you. Does he know you know he is trying to hook up?

[kipkat125]

Yes he knows, but he denies it outright. Like getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

The overwhelming consensus is right. I spoke to a therapist today and my main concern is for my health. I wish i could tell him about this site, you all have been so helpful... but I am afraid he might cheat on me with one of you :) No seriously, it really is horrible to feel like this.My main concern is to help us both. I dont even care about the cross dressing, we practically we wear the same size, we could have shared. It amazes me that I dont care, but I really dont. I dont think it will work out in the end, so I might just offer my support and leave.

[Holly]

Kipkat, you are to be commended for your desire to help out a friend... b/f or otherwise. Kerry is absolutely right in that the mention of suicide is an indicator of a real issue. Please urge him to seek professional help. Maybe explaining that it can't be you because you are too emotionally invested would help him to understand that he can't depend on you for this type of help. Tell him it is because you care that you want him to get the help that he needs. Best wishes to both of you and please let us know how things go. Here's a little something for you... :hugs:

[Rita B]

Hey,

I just found out that my bf is interested in cding. When I confronted him he said it was b/c he was molested by a crossdresser when he was 8. I want to be supportive but I need to understand this more, he is reluctant to talk more and I dont know how to help. I love him so much, I just want him to be happy, with or without me. Where do I go from here? What is ASAP and outcall? He has been emailing men other cders from craiglist. He will write at 9 am and ask to get together at 10 am, for asap or outcall. Then he will write that he cant get together.
He has been writing to other men, but making it acutally impossible to get together. I love him and just want him to be happy!!
I need advice. Should I stay? It would appear from your thread that your bf has more than just a crossdressing problem. Love can be blind sometimes. Be patient and be cautious!

Rita

[Denielleinheels]

I agree with all above

[Chiana]

Please be careful with your B/F. Talk of suicide scares the cr*p out of me. I have known a couple of people who followed through on their threats. (Not C/Ders, BTW.) If he could get professional help and get his act together a little better, having a G/F like you, who would be tolerant and even supportive of his C/Ding, could be a great benefit for him. But you must protect your own physical and mental health. Don't get caught in quicksand.

[Fab Karen]

if he's had homosexual encounters you do take a chance with a STD, and some of those are still deadly.
ALSO TRUE: If he's had heterosexual encounters, there's a chance of an STD.

It's fairly obvious CDing isn't the main thing he has interest in - whether or not this story of being molested is real, he is in need of therapy to deal with understanding & accepting himself, and getting clear on what he wants. There's only so much you can do to help him in this case, he needs a professional.

[maria p]

Hey,

I just found out that my bf is interested in cding. When I confronted him he said it was b/c he was molested by a crossdresser when he was 8. I want to be supportive but I need to understand this more, he is reluctant to talk more and I dont know how to help. I love him so much, I just want him to be happy, with or without me. Where do I go from here? What is ASAP and outcall? He has been emailing men other cders from craiglist. He will write at 9 am and ask to get together at 10 am, for asap or outcall. Then he will write that he cant get together.
He has been writing to other men, but making it acutally impossible to get together. I love him and just want him to be happy!!
I need advice. Should I stay?

Dear Kipkat, I was in the same situation, I accepted his crossdresing to a point. Then found out by accident that he was using a Yahoo Blog not has other crossdressers do to meet new friends, but to liase with other men in sordid cyber sex. You sound the same kind of altruistic person I was, but think of yourself and look after you because the only person he sounds that he is in love with his himself.

[kipkat125]

So did you end it? I have, but I haven't stopped caring. It doesn't matter, he was cheating on me with girls and possibly men so this is best. And yes he is in love with himself, it was always me trying to boost his confidence which was never low now that I think about it, it was just warped.

[Sheri 4242]

Kipkat,

I'm glad you are here for you!!! Your bf (or former bf, however you choose to categorize it, or however it ends up) presents with several very serious issues!!! It is rare for a male to admit to having been molested so you have to consider this quite real. That said, an unusual twist in his story is his interest in CDing b/c he was molested by a CDer. I am not totally unfamiliar with some of the issues in his story. As painful as this is for me to recount, years ago my son was molested by my daughter (she was 5 years older than he was). This caused tremendous emotional and mental damage to my son as you might imagine -- it also explains a lot about certain behaviors he exhibited.

The very best advice I can give you is to strongly recommend that your bf seek highly qualified psychologicl counseling -- counseling that specializes in molestation!!!!!!! IMHO, there can be no relationship with your bf until he does this and makes succesful progress!!! Even then, it may be, I am sorry to say, a no-win situation for your relationship -- you plainly cannot know until he gets help!!! My son has increasingly improved over the last year I am glad to say, but it has been hard on him -- in fact on all of us!!!

I wish you the best -- at the very least he needs your encouragement regardless of whether or not you two ever progress a a couple!!!

[prettywithsideburns]

I think if you took a poll here that the amount of CDers who were molested is probably LESS than the general population.

To answer your question, he's looking for sex. Even if he short-circuits it before it happens. I would suggest you tell him to work with you on this. If he don't, dump him.

I've never been molested.

when I was a kid I had a homosexual experience with another boy, but we were the same age and it was consensual. I don't know about him, but I've never looked upon it as a negative experience in any way.