Who am I fooling?

[Maggie Kay]

Sometimes I forget what I look like to others. I generally dress in women's clothes. Today, I was doing my daily errands as normal but instead of the overcast foggy sky that we have had lately, it was bright and sunny. I was approaching the car and saw my reflection in the window glass. Oh my, the image of this woman was there and she was sporting a quite a rack! This was because I had worn a tight fitting turtleneck knit top and it clung to my bra rather snugly. The boobs cast a deep shadow onto my abdomen. It was quite a sight. I was trying to be ambiguous but I guess that I'm deluding myself again. A guy wearing women's slacks, earrings, ponytail, barrettes, black leather flats and carrying a black leather shoulder purse isn't fooling anyone. But wait! I do wear a billed cap, does that count? Not with the ponytail sticking through the hole in the back....

The point is that I think I am in this "zone" where I haven't crossed a line to force a gender issue i.e. a skirt or dress. There is enough of a question that people see what they want to see. If they see a mature woman crossing the street, they stop their car and let her cross. If they see an eccentric old guy, they zoom on by. I think if I forced the issue with a skirt, I'd get more opposition. SO is this the "sweet spot"? A dressing level that doesn't offend yet allows me to participate in full women's attire? Or maybe I am just fooling myself. If I am then why not wear that skirt?

[Marla S]

You said it.

It's action and reaction.
We can't completally uncouple from the others. Hence even when we have to cross the line of the sozial standards to express ourself, we are still part of the game. Meaning we have to compromise. With ourself and with the society (that's not TG specific).

Question is: Is this action to express myself worth the price I possibly have to pay.

Personally I am not yet willing to pay the price and I don't need to pay it yet to feel close enough to myself.

I wear almost everything in public, but no skirts, dresses or more than 2" heels. I am too afraid to be spotted (or worse) and not confident enough to stand that (Maybe someday, maybe never)

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Kay

The "sweet spot" is when you're living your life in a way that makes you happy, that leaves you content, that makes you feel good about yourself, that's what's important, and that's all that really matters. Whatever the means, whatever the image that you choose to project to the world, whatever it takes, as long as you're satisfied, then you're there.

If you want to wear a skirt, that's your decision and no one elses, so don't base any choices of the day on the possible reaction of others. It's not about them, it's about you...I look at it this way, nothing you say, do, or wear is going to effect the standard of living or quality of life of anyone else, so if they have a problem with you, let them be the one's to deal with it, not you.

So you do what makes you happy, wear the skirt or don't wear the skirt, it doesn't matter because you don't have to prove anything to anyone, you just be happy...whatever it takes!

Karen

[Ms. Donna]

I was trying to be ambiguous but I guess that I'm deluding myself again. A guy wearing women's slacks, earrings, ponytail, barrettes, black leather flats and carrying a black leather shoulder purse isn't fooling anyone.
...
There is enough of a question that people see what they want to see.

I'm out as trans / genderqueer at work - dressing more or less from the woman's side of the dress code. Corporate attire for me is a woman's suit, knit top and reasonable shoes - and business casual is very much in line with what the other women wear. On the weekends, I live in jeans a t-shirt - and in the cooler weather, a sweater. I really don't go out of my way to 'femme it up' - I am, very much, just me.

People at work who know my deal know I'm not a woman, and the rest think... well... whatever they think. Outside of work, I get read as a woman a good 50% or more of the time. Am I 'fooling' these people? Depends on one's POV. As I said, I present as me: gender-bent / androgynous / trans / genderqueer / whatever - and people interpret it as they will. I have little control over the interpretations of others. Yea, I get looks and stares from people - 'cause some know I'm a guy, others know I'm a girl - of course, neither group know just how wrong they both are. And for the most part, I care little about what anyone else thinks with respect to this. They don't like it - sod 'em.

It's about understanding yourself, what you need to be happy, and about finding a way to make that happen. If you are in a place where you have been able to make trans work as a part of your life, then you are in a good place - and there is no reason to do anything else for anyone else's benefit.

Regards,
Donna

[The Gas Man Cometh]

Hehehe, I think you should simply continue to dress as you see fit, and if other people can't accept that, well, they're passing strangers.

Why should they matter?

As a GG, with my brother's dress shirt, dad's navy blue necktie, royal blue fringe/tips and spikes adorning my wrists, I learnt to disregard the opinions of others a long time ago. <3

[Cai]

I'll let you borrow the mantra I use every time I leave the house.
"I don't care what they think."
"I don't care what they think."
"I don't care what they think."

If you say it enough times, you actually start to believe it.

What you wear is your own business, no one else's. If you want to wear a skirt, go for it. If you want to wear slacks, do that. Whatever makes you happy and comfortable.

[suzy]

Just do it! Wear the dress if that will make you feel better.... Don't pay any attention to what others may or may not think... be yourself...and above all be happy!:hugs:

[NatalieH]

...is this the "sweet spot"? A dressing level that doesn't offend yet allows me to participate in full women's attire? Or maybe I am just fooling myself...

Kay,

Thanks so much for asking that question. It's the one I've been asking myself lately, and describes the way I've dressed the last couple times I've been out.

And thanks to those that have replied so far. I know the right answers are to be yourself and not worry about what others think, but it's reassuring to hear it again from all of you.

Natalie
still trying to find the zone

[The Gas Man Cometh]

I'll let you borrow the mantra I use every time I leave the house.
"I don't care what they think."
"I don't care what they think."
"I don't care what they think."

If you say it enough times, you actually start to believe it.

What you wear is your own business, no one else's. If you want to wear a skirt, go for it. If you want to wear slacks, do that. Whatever makes you happy and comfortable.

Also, you know, I find "They don't truly care what I look like," helps as a good mantra, too!
It certainly helped me long ago.

[Katrina]

As I said, I present as me: gender-bent / androgynous / trans / genderqueer / whatever - and people interpret it as they will. I have little control over the interpretations of others. Yea, I get looks and stares from people - 'cause some know I'm a guy, others know I'm a girl - of course, neither group know just how wrong they both are. And for the most part, I care little about what anyone else thinks with respect to this. They don't like it - sod 'em.

Donna, I hope this comes out right. I wish I had your attitude. Kudos to you for living your life how you want. I wish I had the guts to do the same.

[Calliope]

Why "fool" anyone?

Man, woman - forget it!

It's cool being TS.

At least, less pressure for me.

Zen.

[AmberTG]

my thinking is, it's alright if they can't quite figure out what, or who, you really are. As long as you know who you are, to the extent that you understand yourself anyway, that's what's really important. If they walk away scratching their head, I'm guessing that's their problem, not yours. Wear what you're comfortable wearing.

[crusadergirl]

you could be fooling me i thought you were a girl. I myself i don't look like a girl at all i should just give it up. But yeah have fun

[Felix]

Hi Kay Hun :happy: Be yourself whatever that is as long as you are happy with the image you are projecting well the rest can go shove it LOL!! You are who you are. If ya wanna wear a skirt and ya feel confident in one then go for it. If ya feel great in womens trousers then do that. If you feel good living in the sweet spot then stick with it. Ya gotta do what feels good for you. I guess I have found my sweet spot and at the mo I'm enjoying it. I'm out to my friends at work but not the management although I'm sure they are not stupid the way I present. I just find it easier not shoving it in their face and putting labels on it.
Take care Hun and be ya self xx Felix :hugs:

[CindyFinalyFree]

A saying I adopted from my step-father..

Those that matter don't mind; Those that mind, don't matter. 'nuf said.

[Sejd]

Hi Kay
the situation you describe is sealed with your own experience of it, calling it your "Sweet spot". I agree With Gypsi Karen, whatever you feel is right is exactly the right thing. for myself, I have experienced that sometimes it is good to challenge myself a bit. If I put on that skirt - by gosh, it feels great!! but I also have days when it doesn't and that's a day when I don't put it on.
I think this journey is remarkable no matter how you look at it. Seems like you have the right ideas though. If it makes you feel good - do it. This world is full of people telling us what to think, wear, do - etc.etc. True victory lies in finding our own way and living it.
hugs
Sejd

[Maggie Kay]

My status got really messed up in the last week. My darling cat ate eight, yes eight rubber hair ties. They probably were mine making me feel beyond horrible. He tossed up seven but one made it into his gut and he needed surgery and it cost $1100. The suffering he went through made me reconsider what I am doing so a few days ago I took out my earrings and tried again to resist this TG. I felt that I was being told to stop by God by the events with my little one. I thought that without the earrings, I'd be recognized as a mid fifty-ish old man. I go to pick up some hardware, screws etc, at the hardware store in drab and the clerk says to me "slide your card, Sssssssss" making an embarrassed noise. Not rude, just that I could tell that he was so unsure of my gender that he had to stop saying "Sir... "
The next day, I go out without my bag and again shopping, two times, I caught women staring at my breasts. Now this has not happened to me before. I became more and more depressed. Despondent, not over the shopping incidents, but for the fact that so much of my life was driven by the need to be female and I had to "repent" . I was failing in that too. I prayed for help and for strength to make it back to maleness but just as the hundreds of times before, no answer. I found myself in a darker place than I have ever been, hoping that each breath would be my last. The corner that I am in allows me no respite. I gave in and my wife helped me put my earrings on. I can't see very well and am super sensitive so she helps me. Then amazingly, I begin to feel better. OVER EARRINGS??? What the heck is going on here? Am I totally insane? Even though I did not click with the local gender therapist, and I now don't have much to spend, I'm probably going to have to see him. This is just too weird to go on.

[Felix]

Hi Kay I don't think you are going mad Hun because of some earings. They were of great comfort to you and there is nothing wrong with that Hun. Your wife sounds wonderful That she helped you like this. Hope the therapist helps too Hun let us know Hun xx Felix :hugs:

[MJ]

QUOTE] I prayed for help and for strength to make it back to maleness but just as the hundreds of times before, no answer. I found myself in a darker place than I have ever been, hoping that each breath would be my last.

Kay you are who you are.. this gender issue will never go away you have to deal with it i know it hurts but there is nothing you can do but accept yourself
yes i too prayed for help and for strength to make it back to maleness it did not happen


I can't see very well and am super sensitive so she helps me. Then amazingly, I begin to feel better. OVER EARRINGS??? What the heck is going on here?

you feel better has a woman , she is a big part of you .. it's who you are you can't change that any more than i can


Am I totally insane?

no your not Hun.. you see there are two parts of you the guy part that you know is not the real you and the woman trapped inside both fighting trying to understand each other trying to reach a common ground trying to come to terms with who will be best at running your earthly body that fits just right the guy who thinks i look like a guy in a dress and thinks i will never pass and the woman who love to dress and feels wonderful complete and free so how do we feel ?
this is a hard road we must travel understanding were we must go to be happy it is not an easy road my friend but travel it we must

[AmberTG]

Here's something that I have found out in the last year, God (if you believe) wants you to be happy, not miserable. You've been given this burden to bear, and you must make the best of it, not the worst of it, if you are ever going to find peace and happiness in your life. Your heart is telling you one thing, and that damned logical side of your brain is fighting it tooth and nail, rubbing all of society's taboo's in your face. That was the hardest fight I've ever had to face, and I could no longer run away from it. I went with my heart. I am what I refer to as an "incomplete transgender", stuck somewhere in the middle, but I simply refuse to live the typical male life! I'm trying to learn how to be my feminine self without self doubt, it is truely a journey of one step at a time.
Listen to your heart, when you do and it makes you happy, that is God talking to you in a subtle way. I have specific reasons to believe this is true, from my own life, unrelated to my transgender issues.

[Maggie Kay]

Felix,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. They meant a lot to me. It got pretty dark there for a while.

MJ,
Thank you for reminding me of the woman within. Sometimes when I get stressed to the points that I have recently, it is hard to keep what I "know" in mind. This week has taken more from me than my resilience can handle. Our little one is back home and has passed the critical stages for problem. He is almost normal. I wish I was.

I went ahead and contacted a therapist who I really hesitated to contact for many reasons and am waiting for an answer. The first one that I contacted took a week and recommended the current one. OK, I'll try. I said, "What do I have to lose now?"

Amber, I also feel the way you do most of the time, in spite of the way I sometimes post. I like to believe that my gender expression is the inside coming out. Being a person who was harshly criticized much of my young life, I get too wrapped up in trying not to get folks angry at me but now it seems that I have to be who I am regardless of the cost. It is amazing to carry such a burden.

Thanks for all your help. It really did help me get through this passage.

[AmberTG]

I'm glad we could be of some help to you.