A dilemma

[Princess29]

I have to set the scene first and then I will ask my question.
I still live with my parents (I'm 31-I know its sad). I have some business to attend to in Brisbane this weekend, right near where the Queen's Ball is taking place. Due to a major conference being on and a camping and travel exhibition being on at another part of the same place where the Ball is happening, hotels in brisbane are mostly booked up on saturday night and the ones that are available are really expensive and I can't afford them.
There are however, plenty of rooms available for sunday night which is the night of the ball.
I will be travelling to brisbane tomorrow but coming back home tomorrow night. The thing I have to do in Brisbane is on tomorrow and sunday 9am-5pm. I said to mum about staying there saturday and sunday night and she kept asking "why do you want to stay there sunday night?" (I don't believe she knows about my crossdressing). So if I drive down and stay just on sunday night, I don't know what to say to her. Mum and Dad are deeply religious.
So other than lying, how else do I say to her"The reason that I want to stay in Brisbane on sunday night is to attend an event aimed at the gay and lesbian community. I wish to attend, maybe dressed enfemme, and hope to meet other crossdressers"
Any thoughts?
Lying isn't ideal and I don't want to do it, but I can't think of any other way (or a convincing lie) for that matter. Given that they haven't accepted certain fairly trivial things that I do after around 15years, I don't really think they will be able to deal with something more serious.

Melissa

[Shelly Preston]

Whats wrong with telling them someone you know is staying in town that night and you plan to meet up.

You can always say something went wrong later and it did not happen

[Princess29]

They know that I don't know anyone that would fit that description. I have a friend who lives in Brisbane and maybe I could get him to phone up. We could put on a charade and say that he wants to go out somewhere sunday night. That's about my only hope along those lines.
I don't like being dishonest but may not have much hope if I want to attend the ball. To the question of why do I want to stay in Brisbane just on sunday night, I guess I could answer "beause I feel like staying there"
The "too tired to drive home" thing works (although its only an hour and a bit to drive home. Over dinner I said to mum, I might end up staying there sunday night just for something to do and she didn't really question it.
I'll have to leave home around 6.15 tomorrow morning and will probably only get home around 8 tomorrow night and unless I stay in brisbane, then I will have to do it again the next day.


Melissa

[Shelly Preston]

This person does not have to live there they could be in town just for the conference

And you dont need to tell your parents.

You can say your meeting someone but dont want to say anything for now

[rose382832]

tell them that you will be to tired to drive back after all day at the conference. it is always better to drive after a nice long rest, than to try doing it if you are tired.:heehee:

[Princess29]

This person does not have to live there they could be in town just for the conference

And you dont need to tell your parents.

You can say your meeting someone but dont want to say anything for now


The conference is something separate to what I will be doing, I don't know what it is though. (I'm doing a training course right near the place where the ball is happening). I don't have a ticket, hopefully I can buy one on the night if I go.

[battybattybats]

I don't think any charade would be helpful. Just be firm, don't explain or excuse yourself.
'Because I want to' is a valid reason. If they can't accept that, just repeat the sentance.

It's your life. Respect for them is one thing, explaining your every action is another. If you don't feel you can come out to them then just be private. There is no need for lies or excuses, even though they might seem easier you'll benefit more from just being firm.

:hugs:

[Dasein9]

Good luck, and enjoy the ball, Melissa!

[michellecd_ne]

here are some of the excuses i have used.
I want to do some early Christmas gift shopping.
I am going to a sporting event.
I am going to a casino.
I am going to meet up with a friend I dont see often.
I am going to check out the new sport/hunting/fishing store.
It may not be as honest as telling your family what you are actually going to do, but thats a decision we must all make.
Good luck, have fun, be careful.

[Princess29]

Like I said batty, there are fairly trivial things that I do, that I've explained repeatedly to my parents why I do these things and 15 years later, they still can't accept it so I don't plan on revealing this side of things.
While I'm sure she doesn't mean anything by it, if someone phones me mum will ask "who was it?", if I'm on my computer a fair bit, she will ask "what are you looking at on the computer?", if I ask her pretty much any question, she usually follows it up with "why?" or "why do you want to know that?". There's a fine line between being interested in what you do and being overbearing.
I know that I should move out and I firmly plan to so then I don't have to put up this anymore. Its not always bad though, don't get me wrong

[Dasein9]

If you've lived near Brisbane most of your life, then maybe you haven't done any of the touristy stuff? You know, that's a real shame, living somewhere and not having seen the attractions for which the city's famous! *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

So pick a local attraction, and actually go so you can tell your folks about it when you get home. They don't have to know that you also went to the ball! (My vote is for the koala sanctuary!)

[battybattybats]

That is an idea. You wouldn't be telling them a lie, only omiting your main reason so you could say it with confidence.

Might I suggest a museum or art gallery? Just plain shopping can be good too.

While it's not in Brisbane but nearish, is the frozen Giant Squid still at Underwater World? The Otters there are extremely cute as well.

[Dasein9]

Yeh, my vote was for the koalas only because that's where I'd like to go, being on the other side of the world and all. But you choose one you like. Maybe even go dressed, since you'll have a hotel room... ;)

[battybattybats]

Koalas are cool in their way.. their smelly growly just sit there sort of way... sounds like some friends of mine actually :)

The asian river otters were vastly more cute I thought. But these things are subjective after all..

...as I've spent half a dozen dusks this autumn till it got too cold running up and down the road outside my place chasing a tiny bat that lives somewhere nearby and flies back and forth along the street just above head height right after the sun goes down as the light is fading.. sooo cute!

Of course this bat was mouse sized.. not like the huge ones you get up north.. last time I was in Brisbane I saw one with at least a 4 1/2 foot wingspan, much bnigger than the fruit bats I used to see in the central west of new south wales.

[Dasein9]

Yoiks! Someday I just have to visit y'all's part of the world! I like bats, koalas, otters, and squid. Just not anything with more than four legs...

[Princess29]

Yoiks! Someday I just have to visit y'all's part of the world! I like bats, koalas, otters, and squid. Just not anything with more than four legs...


Where I live, we occasionally see Kangaroo's just in our property. In our yard over the years we have had a kangaroo, koala, dingo and echidna. If an emu would just turn up, we would pretty much have the whole set.
And over the years I've pretty much done all the touristy stuff although there are new things popping up all the time. I've lived in the same town, in the same house my entire life (except for my trips overseas I guess).
I will be tied up from 9am till at least 5pm on both days. I just mentioned to mum that I reckon I will stay in brisbane just on sunday night, she asked why and I just said "I just feel like chilling out". She made a comment about wasting money but pretty much left it at that. So I reckon I will try to sort out some accomodation while I'm in brisbane tomorrow anyway for sunday

[Dasein9]

Cool. I'm glad to hear you're making this happen.

Let's see... what can I tell you about my "yard?" Since I live in a Bronx apartment, there isn't one, but the Empire State Building is visible from my fire escape! And there's currently a street fair right outside my building. There are pigeons and lots of street cats.

[Princess29]

Cool. I'm glad to hear you're making this happen.

Let's see... what can I tell you about my "yard?" Since I live in a Bronx apartment, there isn't one, but the Empire State Building is visible from my fire escape! And there's currently a street fair right outside my building. There are pigeons and lots of street cats.

That's not counting the birds, spiders, bugs and snakes though. I think of the 10 most venomous snakes in the world, I think Australia has most of them or 10 out of the top 15. There are so many ways to die in Australia (slip my tourism hat on for a second). If the spiders don't get you, the snakes will, if they dont get you, the mosquitos can carry nasty stuff and if they don't get you we have many species of sharks in our waters too and I guess if that doesn't get you we have the hole in the ozone layer right over us and I think queensland has the highest occurrence of skin cancers in the world (I think its out of us and brazil)-
I'll take off my tourist ambassador hat now.

[Dasein9]

Spiders. Right.

No offense, but I won't be visiting.

I spent my early childhood in Panama. Some kids at school chased me through the hall with a spider that was about 8" in diameter. It hissed.

[Princess29]

Spiders. Right.

No offense, but I won't be visiting.

I spent my early childhood in Panama. Some kids at school chased me through the hall with a spider that was about 8" in diameter. It hissed.

I don't think we have big spiders but size isn't necessarily what you have to watch out for. There is a bird eating spider but I don't think its one of ours.
I paint a bleak picture but its really not that bad, snakes are pretty rare for the most part, spiders are pretty common but if you just smack the bloody thing with a shoe, kill it before it can kill you, then its not a problem. If you're out in the sun, cover up as much as possible and use decent suncream and you'll be fine.
More people should come and visit australia, we're a long way away from pretty much every other continent (about 15 hours flight from Brisbane to LA)but its worth the trip. We're a great country.
I guess we've gotten a bit off topic. PM me if you want anymore info

Melissa

[Dasein9]

I will. For now, it's mostly dreaming. I'm a grad student, and kind of poor. :D

The main point of this thread, however, seems to have been fulfilled -- You figured out a way to do what you need to do to get to that ball!

So... YYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYYY, MELISSA!

[battybattybats]

Well... the bird eating or whistling spider is found in the Northern Territory and Western australia.. it gets the size of a dinner plate :) Not so dangerous though, the Sydney Funnel Web spider is much worse and they sometimes come into houses (I woke up with one inches from my nose at age 3 or 4.. it took me a while to be ok with spiders after that). Shark attacks get a lot of publicity but they are really not that frequent. Lots of things are more likely to kill. Even at the beach.. stone fish, blue ringed octopus, box jellyfish, crocodiles... Snakes are a real issue though with several deaths this year from Brown snakes including one young girl in a town nearby to here. The taipan is pretty bad with it's love of laundries, red belly black snakes can be nasty if they feel threatened. The King Brown is the real bad one though and it's darn common. We even have giant ants.. not quite as big as in the film THEM! but an inch is pretty big for an ant. Google bulldog ant, they are cute! I was attacked by crazy ants north of the whitsundays once, that really hurt!

In backyards (in the central west and later northern NSW) I've had blue tongued lizads a plenty, shinglebacks, some sort of foot long skink (that my cat brought into the house which is part of why she's an indoor cat now) a nest of brown snakes, a wedge-tailed eagle, black cockatoo's, hibernating frogs.. I've had roos run down my street, possums fighting on my roof, I've nursed a juvenile bat back to health when its mother died around the corner and more little critters than I can easilly remember, that's all in town!

[Princess29]

Well... the bird eating or whistling spider is found in the Northern Territory and Western australia.. it gets the size of a dinner plate :) Not so dangerous though, the Sydney Funnel Web spider is much worse and they sometimes come into houses (I woke up with one inches from my nose at age 3 or 4.. it took me a while to be ok with spiders after that). Shark attacks get a lot of publicity but they are really not that frequent. Lots of things are more likely to kill. Even at the beach.. stone fish, blue ringed octopus, box jellyfish, crocodiles... Snakes are a real issue though with several deaths this year from Brown snakes including one young girl in a town nearby to here. The taipan is pretty bad with it's love of laundries, red belly black snakes can be nasty if they feel threatened. The King Brown is the real bad one though and it's darn common. We even have giant ants.. not quite as big as in the film THEM! but an inch is pretty big for an ant. Google bulldog ant, they are cute! I was attacked by crazy ants north of the whitsundays once, that really hurt

In backyards (in the central west and later northern NSW) I've had blue tongued lizads a plenty, shinglebacks, some sort of foot long skink (that my cat brought into the house which is part of why she's an indoor cat now) a nest of brown snakes, a wedge-tailed eagle, black cockatoo's, hibernating frogs.. I've had roos run down my street, possums fighting on my roof, I've nursed a juvenile bat back to health when its mother died around the corner and more little critters than I can easilly remember, that's all in town!

Have you had the pleasure of cane toad's though? They're such lovely creatures

[carolinebrookes]

Hi Princess,

I think at 31 years old, it's up to you what you do away from home and is really none of your parents business. You are an adult.
If mum won't accept this, then it is her problem and not yours. Don't feel guilty about it.
That's the bold and blunt answer to it.

[Sharoncd]

For gods sake your 31 years old. Tell your mother that you will be meeting some ladies and that you are staying the night. Plain and simple. Your not lying, its the truth.

[Stephenie S]

I don't think any charade would be helpful. Just be firm, don't explain or excuse yourself.
'Because I want to' is a valid reason. If they can't accept that, just repeat the sentance.

It's your life. Respect for them is one thing, explaining your every action is another. If you don't feel you can come out to them then just be private. There is no need for lies or excuses, even though they might seem easier you'll benefit more from just being firm.

:hugs:

Dear Princess,

Read this quote from Batty. Then read it again. Then print it out and put it in your purse, or pocket, or where ever and read it some more.

Please don't lie to your parents. They are your parents. Also your mother will probably see through any lie you can come up with (she is your mother, after all). And if she knows or suspects that you are lying she will imagine the worst. So don't lie, dear. Relationships based on lies are doomed from the start. Don't do it!

Just be firm about your life. You are staying overnight in Brisbane because you want to. It's your business. Just keep repeating that over and over. "Because I want to"! That's it. That's all.

I am sure you have heard the expression, "What part of NO don't you understand?" This is a very usefull concept, and you need to learn this if you want to grow up. Your parents will respect you more when they discover that you have your own life to live and that you still love them anyway. This is just part of growing up, and it will serve you well for the rest of your life. Whenever you give someone an elaborate excuse why you can't do something they will figure out a way for you to overcome this. Just say no and stop. It's no one's business why. Just say no, it's not possible, it's not happening.

The same concept applies here. Just tell your parents when you will be home and leave it at that. You are spending the weekend in Brisbane and you will be home after the weekend. You never have to explain every detail of your life to anyone, even your parents. Learn this and prosper.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Denielleinheels]

I would just say there is a party at the close of the conference and you don't want to miss it. But it will be over late.

[stormrider]

You're 31 girl, they don't need to know your every move. I had a mother like that at one time (I was 19 at the time though). Once I decided that she no longer had the right or privilege to know my every move, she came to the same decision. Bear in mind though she is still your mum and she will still ask.

Michelle

[EricaCD]

Don't lie. Say that you have a social occasion to attend there. If they press, just tell them some acquaintances are getting together. Your parents do not need to know it's a crossdressing event, and frankly you are old enought that, even if you live in their house, you are entitled to your own life.

[battybattybats]

Have you had the pleasure of cane toad's though? They're such lovely creatures

I've only met one once, recently at a relatives yard when visiting Qld. It was certainly a cool critter. Shame about the damage it's doing to the environment though.

[Princess29]

I ended up just saying to her "I just feel like staying in brisbane" and she pretty much left it at that.
She doesn't need to know my every move (and there's plenty I don't tell her) but doesn't stop her from trying to find out.
I know its time to move (its been that way for years). I need a job first (the training course in brisbane should take care of that) and then its full steam ahead.


Melissa

[Sheri 4242]

Just be firm . . . Because I want to' is a valid reason. If they can't accept that, just repeat the sentance. It's your life. Respect for them is one thing, explaining your every action is another.

Respect for your parents doesn't mean they are entitled to run your life -- there comes a time in every person's life when they have to, "start cutting the apron strings." (Don't know if you have that saying where you live, but it is a saying I have heard all my life where I live. Bottom line: it is a true saying!!!) Living in the so-called "bible-belt" of the States, we often hear of controlling and/or manipulative parents say (to their adult children), "the bible says you're supposed to honor your mother and father." BUT, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have your own life -- and you are not dishonoring them by having your own life -- and your not dishonoring them if you you, as an adult, refuse to be subservient to them.

You know, if you are sensitive about lying to your mom, then just tell her outright: "mom, I am staying over b/c I want to -- I want a day away, and please don't think of this in any way, shape or form as disrespectful, but at 31, I don't really think I need to explain my every move, motivation, or action. This isn't about love and respect; it IS about each of us having and needing space -- space to think -- space to become all that we can become."

Or, as someone else said, tell her you've got an opportunity to socialize with some lady friends -- and since you are looking to gain employment and move out, you can tell her that such "networking" could lead to a great job!!! (And, maybe it could!!! It doesn't matter if it does, the mere fact that it "could" makes it a plausible statement.)

Listen, don't take this as being too crtical, b/c I have true empathy for your situation!!!!!!! I just think that, at your age, it is time to get the message across that you love your parents, you respect them, you care about them, and that you value all they have done for you -- BUT, you are old enough to pursue interests (etc.) without having to gain permission or explain your every move. I have seen a number of people in your situation who didn't become proactive for themselves, and they ended up miserable -- and tied to one or the other (or both) parents for 50-60 years -- and they were miserable. Their lives weren't their own!!!

Take charge of YOUR life!!! Respectful - yes!!! Adamantly - yes, absolutely, with respect.

[Kelsy]

Princess,

IMO I think the real dilemma is that your living at home with your parents. You might consider looking for a place of your own and with that comes your freedom to dress when you want to and to go anywhere you want to without being questioned.:happy:

Jennifer

[Princess29]

Princess,

IMO I think the real dilemma is that your living at home with your parents. You might consider looking for a place of your own and with that comes your freedom to dress when you want to and to go anywhere you want to without being questioned.:happy:

Jennifer

Yeah, Jennifer I know. For years I've been just kind of plodding along and being content to grab times to dress when my parents went out for a long enough period of time. Since going overseas on the most recent trip, I have had an awakening of sorts and want to take things further than ever before.
Up until a few months back, I didn't have a femme name, didn't refer to myself or other males in female terms, didn't have a wig or any makeup and wouldn't even consider going out in public just yet (although I reckon I wanted to) and I want the freedom to do that whenever I want.
I guess the money that I could have spent on investing in a house, I spent seeing the world and now I have to start almost from scratch, rebuilding my finances. One good thing about living with my parents is that I am able to save lots of money (when I'm working especially).
So even if I moved out now, I would either have to live by myself and unless I can get a decent paying job, then that's going to be rather expensive or share a place with someone but then unless I tell them about melissa, then I'm right back where I started.
So I guess you're right jennifer that is the main dilemma now. That and what am I going to wear to the ball?
I realised that with the cold weather snap that has just come through, I have a hoodie that I bought while in vegas and should come in very handy. It fits perfectly and says on the front "you say I"m daddy's girl like its a bad thing".


Melissa