Identity

[Maggie Kay]

I think a lot about identity. I mean the core part of who I am. How do I define myself? Who am I most like? Who can like me?
I have been the odd one in every crowd all my life. I have never fit in. I have a crazy desire that eventually, I'll find that place or group that I can finally relax with. This one is the closest that I have ever found but I know that I do things differently than most here too. Wanting to fit in to a group is really important to me because I think that there is some magical benefit from acceptance and approval. However, I am who I am and that means that I do listen to a different drummer. Inevitably, I get called to another direction and bingo, on the outs again. I have had five careers and moved twenty or so times. I'm not finished yet but sometimes I am amazed that, in spite of being an intelligent sort, I am so darn slow to understand who I am. Now that TG/TS has become front and center in my life I can expect even more of being "out there".
SO the key question for me in Gender Identity D....... is: Who the heck am I anyway? it seems that being a female inside answers a lot of the questions I have had. Unfortunately, not all.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Kay

I used to worry a lot about such things myself, because like you I march to my own tune and always had trouble fitting in. I simply put it all to a stop, and I'm much happier for it. I accept and approve of myself, and I just don't feel the need or desire to get it from others. I'm Karen, and if people don't like who I am, then it's their loss, not mine. The funny thing is that since I stopped worrying about it, I have more friends than ever, and they are true friends indeed because they know I'm genuine.

So who are you? You are Kay, a good person with a kind heart with a lot to offer to those who care to see it, and trust me, there are plenty looking for someone who is genuine, you'll see.

Karen

[Kimberley]

Hi Kay,
This road to self acceptance is a rough ride and the real key to it is understanding that you are one person, not two. A lot of us try to separate our lives according to the gender role of the moment. Oddly enough, we really arent separating anything because we are reacting to situations as one person. We dont stop and think that we need to react a certain way because our life experience is what guides us.

Now to the discovery of all this. It just becomes an awareness that we dont have to put on pretenses. We dont have to dress for a role. We just are.

I too have always been on the outs. For me it is just my personality. Okay, well I do have a habit of occasionally leaving people wondering what I just said in the course of conversation. I can count my friends on the fingers of one hand. Plenty of acquaintances but real friends are very rare.

All of this has caused a lot of problems in the work world as well. I am not one who can be a corporate minion. I see things differently than most people (read: managers) and am usually a couple of steps ahead of them so I am often percieved as a threat. The result has on more than one occasion been a polite Buh bye.

So, I have learned to rely on those who matter most and that is myself and my family above all. We can be remembered by a few for what we have accomplished but only those closest know the real us, the person who had an impact on their lives. If we look at our children we see our reflection.

Keep questioning hon.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Ms. Donna]

I think a lot about identity. I mean the core part of who I am. How do I define myself? Who am I most like? Who can like me?

Congratulations! You have wandered into the philosophical realm known as Existentialism - who's central theme is the question: What does it mean to be?


I have been the odd one in every crowd all my life. I have never fit in. I have a crazy desire that eventually, I'll find that place or group that I can finally relax with. This one is the closest that I have ever found but I know that I do things differently than most here too.

One thing I have found in my life is that people usually don't 'fit in' somewhere because they don't want to fit in. We come up with hosts of reasons as to why we don't 'belong' in that this group or that - effectively not giving ourselves the chance. This is largely a product of our own insecurities more so than it is of others 'excluding' us.

I am, IMO, very different than most of the members here. I do not identify as either a 'man' or a 'woman' - and my presentation to the world is not so much 'feminine' as it is androgynous / gender bent. My crossdressing doesn't cross the line dividing gender so much as it blurs it. As far as 'fitting in' goes, I don't really fit in with either camp. But here I am.


sometimes I am amazed that, in spite of being an intelligent sort, I am so darn slow to understand who I am. Now that TG/TS has become front and center in my life I can expect even more of being "out there".

In my teens, I had no idea what was going on with me. Right before college, I contemplated suicide. After college, I spent ten years operating under the idea that this was all just some 'kink' I had. A solid twenty years and I didn't understand anything about this stuff.

In 1998, it all came to a head and I had no choice but to deal with this stuff. It took me a good two years to sort myself out to the point where I could make some informed decisions with respect to what I needed to do. Those decisions would set the stage to put me 'out there' in a way I hadn't expected.

Fast forward to now. I present as 'myself' 24/7: this is not a 'weekend princess' thing. I get looks and double-takes - and the occasional comment. I am, by action - out as a transperson.

I also work in corporate America: in IT for a prominent investment bank. I am 'out' there as well: making my androgynous / gender bent presentation by following the women's dress code (excluding skirts and dresses.) I am the only person in my building (most likely the firm) presenting as I do. For all my 'gender variance' and difference, I do fit in. I have the respect of my management, my peers and my users - so much so that I was promoted last year.

I am not the poster child for corporate America, and yet here I am - an out trans / genderqueer person in a corporate environment. It may not be a perfect fit, but I not on the outside with my nose pressed up to the window either.


So the key question for me in Gender Identity D....... is: Who the heck am I anyway? it seems that being a female inside answers a lot of the questions I have had. Unfortunately, not all.

So, who are you? How do you define yourself? This is an existential exercise which is likely to yield more questions than answers. It is not something one ever really answers like one solves an equation. It is more a continued journey of discovery - and in that respect, there is no 'answer'. Not that you shouldn't keep questioning. Just realize that frustration is very much a part of the answer.

At some point, you need to accept that the questions are largely irrelevant. Assuring you got some definitive answer to the "Why am I like this? Who am I?" questions, it still doesn't change the fact that you need to find a way to make this all work in your life. Answering the why doesn't make it go away.


I ultimately 'worked things out' by asking a lot of questions, listening to a lot of other people's stories - and subsequently taking in all I could: good and bad. I revisited philosophy I previously didn't understand and read new texts which were admittedly over my head - but I read them until I understood them. I ultimately integrated all of this into a working philosophy - something I previously never had. I finally reached a point where - as I mentioned above - I was able to make some reasonable decisions.

It's not easy, by any stretch of the imagination... But it is worth the effort.


Please don't misunderstand me here: I do not think for a second I have all (or even some) of the answers... 'cause I don't. What I do have is what has worked for me - what makes sense to me. That said, feel free to have a look at my essay: Donna's Philosophy (http://wanderingaloud.wordpress.com/donnas-philosophy/) - which summarizes most of what I worked out. If nothing else, perhaps it can act a catalyst for your own continued self discovery.


Regards,
Donna

[Marla S]

I agree with Karen.

My view:


I have been the odd one in every crowd all my life. I have never fit in. I have a crazy desire that eventually, I'll find that place or group that I can finally relax with.
On this stage of my journey I came to the conclusion that nobody in a crowd does fit in the crowd. All make compromises, try to adjust, partly deny themselves, not to stand out. Maybe this is more pronounced for TG folks, but it most likely is not an exclusive TG problem.
The sad but necessary conclusion is, that there is no group where someone (TG or not) can finally relax. Groups and group memberships are temporary in general, one's overlap with a particular group is always limited. That starts with the family and doesn't end with marriage.
The only group you are a member your whole life is you, and you can finally relax in yourself only.


Wanting to fit in to a group is really important to me because I think that there is some magical benefit from acceptance and approval.
Approval is a necessary essence of life, but here again, no group is able to give you approval in every aspect of your self. The most that you can get is a general acceptance of your personality (again it's not exclusicve to TG folks). Expect realistic approval only and you will be less dissapointed, but you will be surpised about some unexpected approval.


I'm not finished yet but sometimes I am amazed that, in spite of being an intelligent sort, I am so darn slow to understand who I am.
Again I think this isn't exclusive to TG folks, the difference might be that normal folks might be less forced to think about that question.
Like Hermann Hesse said: The own self is the last treasure to be dug up.


SO the key question for me in Gender Identity D....... is: Who the heck am I anyway? it seems that being a female inside answers a lot of the questions I have had. Unfortunately, not all.

Listen to the quiet moments of life. Those moments that are not influenced by labels, peer pressure, philosophy, dreams, urges. They are short, come along unexpected, often pass by without being recognized, but if anything in the world can tell you who you are these moments can.
Thinking nothing and trapping yourself being your self shows a spot of your self. Try to nail this moments down in your mind. A lot of those spots will show your identiy and your identity within the group of human beings.

Take labels, groups, philosophy etc. as an inspiration to dig up your own self, but don't become a slave of them.

The own self is a lonely thing but the best we can get.
Family, friends, SOs, groups can be a strong support and inspiration, but they are not you.

[Maggie Kay]

Oh yes, I do remember my philosophy courses and the meaning of life discussions of my youth. One thing I believe is that when it comes to survival, you live your philosophy. When it is life and death you find out what you are made of and what you really believe. On these questions I have been though those having been in too many life or death situations.

Rather, my identity comes down to a more practical matter. I want to live the rest of my life in harmony with others and to enjoy it. This is seemingly not an outrageous request but given the extremes we face today, it actually is! We try to be PC but we know under the surface lies deep seated harsh feelings. In this post 9/11 world we are encouraged to distrust each other. The fear factor meter is pegged. We freak out now if we buy a jar of jam and the lid is not sealed.

I realized just how far this fear reaches recently when I went to Canada on vacation. It was like going back in time when people liked each other, talked to each other, strangers meeting on the street smiled and said "hello". I was asked four times for directions in Vancouver. People came up to me and asked me, an out of towner, for directions. When we got back to the USA, immediately we felt back in that pressure cooker. Road rage, rudeness, cold and angry again.

OK, I am wandering a bit off topic. The point is that given the current climate, expressing ones personal identity is not as acceptable as it was only a few years ago. For me, this caused a reevaluation of just what my identity means to me. Is it better to hide one's gender identity in the US now? When people are ready to accuse each other of terrorism at the drop of the hat, is is safe to be different? Then I ask, do I really have to be different? Gee, it sure would be great to be lost in the crowd.

[Marla S]

OK, I am wandering a bit off topic. The point is that given the current climate, expressing ones personal identity is not as acceptable as it was only a few years ago. For me, this caused a reevaluation of just what my identity means to me. Is it better to hide one's gender identity in the US now? When people are ready to accuse each other of terrorism at the drop of the hat, is is safe to be different? Then I ask, do I really have to be different? Gee, it sure would be great to be lost in the crowd.
Another know-it-all

“What could I say to you that would be of value, except that perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find.” H. H.

Is there THE climate in the US ?
Are there THE people in the US ?

Is it the right way to seek for individuality by generalization ?

Aren't there microclimates worth living in ?
Aren't there some people that are nice and friendly?

Wouldn't it be enough to find such a microclimate and these people, and adjust for the rare occasions when safty becomes more important than expression?

[Rikkicn]

All of us here are part of an online community and it could be that what some of need is a real time community. To me community is a group of people, getting together for a common purpose. It's a place where we can be our total selves and be completely accepted and we must in turn be as open hearted with others.
When I moved to San Francisco I looked for that by attending various support group meetings. I didn't connect with any of them so I kept looking. I tried three different religious organizations and one bdsm club.
Some find home in the Pagan community because they are so loving and open about gender.
I have found mine with the Radical Faeries.
Keep looking and you'll find what you need.

[Kate Simmons]

All I know Kay is that we are "different" by definition and out of necessity. That in itself makes us somewhat unique. It is possible to fit in but "lost in the crowd"? I doubt it. It depends on how we view the gift of who we are and how we use it that makes all the difference.:happy:

[Ms. Donna]

The point is that given the current climate, expressing ones personal identity is not as acceptable as it was only a few years ago. For me, this caused a reevaluation of just what my identity means to me. Is it better to hide one's gender identity in the US now? When people are ready to accuse each other of terrorism at the drop of the hat, is is safe to be different? Then I ask, do I really have to be different? Gee, it sure would be great to be lost in the crowd.

I submit the following for your consideration:


How much more valuable an actual man is compared with any sort of merely desired, dreamed of, odious lie of a man? any sort of ideal man?

The above quote is by Nietzsche and I think it speaks volumes not just to transpeople, but to everyone. There will always be those who oppose others for political, religious or other idealogical reasons - that is something which hasn't changed for as long as there have been people. In short, there is no 'right time' to be true to oneself.

I live in New York and commute through Penn Station. I pass police and the National Guard with their assault rifles every day, twice a day. I do not 'hide' who I am. I have been stopped - as are others - for our 'random baggage checks'. They look at me - sometimes quizzically. I show them my backpack, I show them my purse. I look at them, they look back at me, say "Thank You." and I'm on my way. I'm a person - a transperson: I'm not a terrorist.

The climate for transpeople is no worse now than before 9/11. If anything, it's better. We have had a lot of press lately - good press. We are no longer the 'tranny-wackos' on the Springer show. The climate is likely more in our favor now than ever before.

In real estate, the answer to the question, "When it the best time to buy or sell a house?" is almost always, "When you need to." You cannot wait forever for the 'right time' because ultimately, how will you know? Maybe the market goes up, maybe down. If you have the luxury of time and can wait, wonderful: most people, however, do not.

My point, I suppose, is that it's easy to come up with reasons to not do something - and sometimes those reasons are very compelling and warrant serious consideration. I submit to you that fear of being considered a terrorist is not one of them.

You need to do what it right for you - whatever that is.

Memento mori.

Regards,
Donna

[Felix]

Great thread Kay and I love your philosophies Donna :happy: As for me I often get these feeling of not fitting in but I do think this is partly my own insecurities and partly other factors like how you are treated by others. I too have a great need to fit and be wanted and loved. Thing is I try not to let these feelings consume me too much cos they would stop me functioning if I did so on goes the lid :heehee: I've always felt different from a young age so there's no change there and I've always coped to a greater or lesser extent. Now I think to myself if people don't like me that's there loss instead of being inward and gettin all down about it. It's like a fail safe mechanism. It usually works.

Over the past year and a bit I have been discovering my masculinities and have bent gender in the way that I present. I am happier and feel more confident in the way I am now. Lesbian in spirit I still feel but manly in mind I think and present. I feel I have reached some kind of balance be it a strange one. Queer really because of how I am but I don't care cos it's me and that's how I am queer as 'F***' :heehee: and do ya know what I like it too it's fun and it makes me who I am :thumbsup: The words to a famous song spring to mind 'I am who I am' do ya all know it? So World bring it on cos this is me Felix and I like it, like it, like it :p xx Felix :hugs: