Instinct And Other People

[Dasein9]

Do you sometimes meet people who just set off alarm bells for you and make you want to avoid them at all costs?

I do, occasionally. There's one guy, and he comes to the FTM support group I go to, and he really makes me want to keep my distance. The problem is, he's taken a shine to me, and tries to be near me. Last night, at the bar after group, he kept coming up to me to talk. I would wait until the group had gotten into something and then join another, or else go outside for a cigarette. He kept touching my arm, and at one point told me that he'd been admiring the colour of my hair throughout the support group. I found that highly inappropriate.

We've spoken before, and it's my impression that he's a very bitter and angry person. I even had the impression that he was angry at me for not being Jewish! I also know I'm not the only person who feels this way around him.

Now, I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable about coming to the group. He certainly has the right to be there, and probably needs the group a great deal. I also know that my avoiding him may make the situation worse. But I also have to acknowledge the alarm bells that make me feel I'm in danger any time this person is too close.

Any advice on how to effectively set boundaries with such a person? So far, all I've done is move away, reply in a monotone if he speaks to me, and grab a friend's hand, as though we were dating, when he got to close. Heck, the friend and I even made sure he saw us leaving together.

[Evert]

That guy sounds creepy!!! :eek:

And I know the 'hold hands with a friend' tactic.. :heehee:

Once I was in a gayclub with another ftm friend. There was a guy constantly looking at us and when D. went to the toilets he made a gesture like 'come here'. So I came and he was asking about me and d. Like how old we were, why we were here and such.. god what a creep! so I said that he was my bf and that we were here for a drink. When D. came back I quickly explained it all and he laughed. But he also had a bad feeling about the guy so he thought I said it well.. We acted like a gay couple fot the rest of the night.. :heehee:


So yes.. I can be gay.. :tongueout

And just ignoring the person seems to be the best (for me)..

[TracyH]

I would definately let some of the people in charge of the group know about his behavior. It's a support group and not a pickup joint, after all. As for dealing with him personally, I would be direct, with a line like, "I would appreciate it if you stayed the hell away from me. Put your foot down and keep it down. Definately don't worry about hurting this person's feelings.

[John]

aww. If I have to be around someone that makes me uncomfortable (i.e. sets off the alarm bells), I tend to ignore or avoid them workes for me (and I live with someone that makes me uncomfortable).

Yeah, I was used in a 'damn there's that guy again. Pretend to be my boyfriend!' stunt a few weeks ago. twas funny...

[Kieron Andrew]

hmm id tell the people in charge of the group to have a quiet word with him.....maybe he actually doesnt realise what he is doing is freaking people out, he might be lonely and not know how to interact with people, but trying to too hard to make friends that its coming out all wrong, he might look up to you so is trying way too hard to be a friend......definitely talk to the group leaders about him

[Dasein9]

I already have. Part of his anger and bitterness has been directed toward the group facilitator, before he even knew the guy, and I felt it was necessary to warn the facilitator about that.

[Kieron Andrew]

I already have. Part of his anger and bitterness has been directed toward the group facilitator, before he even knew the guy, and I felt it was necessary to warn the facilitator about that.
oh ummm i dunno then...... *me baffled now*

[Lovely Rita]

Do you sometimes meet people who just set off alarm bells for you and make you want to avoid them at all costs?

I do, occasionally. There's one guy, and he comes to the FTM support group I go to, and he really makes me want to keep my distance. The problem is, he's taken a shine to me, and tries to be near me. Last night, at the bar after group, he kept coming up to me to talk. I would wait until the group had gotten into something and then join another, or else go outside for a cigarette. He kept touching my arm, and at one point told me that he'd been admiring the colour of my hair throughout the support group. I found that highly inappropriate.

We've spoken before, and it's my impression that he's a very bitter and angry person. I even had the impression that he was angry at me for not being Jewish! I also know I'm not the only person who feels this way around him.

Now, I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable about coming to the group. He certainly has the right to be there, and probably needs the group a great deal. I also know that my avoiding him may make the situation worse. But I also have to acknowledge the alarm bells that make me feel I'm in danger any time this person is too close.

Any advice on how to effectively set boundaries with such a person? So far, all I've done is move away, reply in a monotone if he speaks to me, and grab a friend's hand, as though we were dating, when he got to close. Heck, the friend and I even made sure he saw us leaving together.


Could you feel comfortable with discreetly having a nice talk with this person and just explaining how uncomfortable you feel if it would not upset things for the group?

Some times tension in a group can be healthy when dealt with wisely.:D

[LisaRose]

Boy that's one for the books. I was approached by a lady SA at Wlly Mart yesterday. We have had other conversations that went OK. Yesterday she hit me up with the "Jesus Loves You" stuff. I'm not sure I'll go back there anytime soon. To each there own but how do you stop something that really sets you back?

[Felix]

Hi Das,what an awkward situation Hun. Yeah I do get bad feelings about people all the time. It wares me out lol!! If I feel like that I tend to avoid them if it's a really bad feeling but if I feel not to bad I will be pleasant to them but keep my personal distance. Good luck Hun. If he keeps gettin in ya space tell him nicely that ya don't want him that close cos it makes ya feel uncomfortable xx Felix :hugs:

[ZenFrost]

Be really boring. When people creep me out or try to hit on me when I don't want them to, my strategy if to be really boring and make my personality look as flat and dull as possible. I don't know if it will work in this instance, but you could try to make yourself really unapproachable and uninteresting and that might disuade him.

[TG-Taru]

I'd lean towards letting him now in a friendly way he's behaviour is making people uncomfortable and nervous. Not accusingly, but in a helpful tone, and ask him for a straight answer of his intentions. And remind him to respect people's personal space. It might be because he's nervous himself and doesn't know how to approach. - That is, if you want to try to help him or the group. Or just tell him to respect people's space and tell you straight whatever it is he wants, in non-confrontational wording, give your answer and be done with him.


Yesterday she hit me up with the "Jesus Loves You" stuff. I'm not sure I'll go back there anytime soon. To each there own but how do you stop something that really sets you back?

Mmm, "I'm flattered, but he's not really my type - nice enough guy though."? :D Try just telling, thanks, I'm fine, and don't want to talk or listen religion? An SA doing that, especially if she tried to persist, could be considered to pester clients - not good for her continuing employment prospects...

[CaptLex]

I'm not really here, so consider this a message in a bottle.

I've met Mr. Creepy too, so I feel that I could add a little perspective here. Das is right, the guy is not just annoying, he's downright scary - and I've personally seen how he follows Das around. His stalkerish behavior and off-the-wall rants are not only unwelcome, they make people very, very uncomfortable (to put it mildly). Also, I personally think he's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic and has the potential to be dangerous, so reasoning with him probably wouldn't work and may even set him off. We usually just keep walking away from him every time he tries to come near, and keep wishing him gone. :alien:

[Kate Simmons]

Yeah, sounds like a "Who invited him?" scenerio. Just keep doing what you are doing Das. Some people are pretty dense but just avoid him and stay aloof and maybe he will eventually get the hint. Don't let him spook you though and show that you are in control at all times.:happy:

[Dasein9]

Thanks for the confirmation, Cap'n. Sometimes it's hard to know when we're misinterpreting something, and to know it's been observed by others as well can be a big help.

I've been practicing saying "You're invading my space. Back off." and "I find that remark inappropriate." in a firm voice.