Confused

[Steff26]

Hi everyone I need help. I have started seeing my therapist, and things are going great. She actually thinks, I am a girl.(duh) Anyway, I have a lot going on right now, and I am posting this to vent, and get advice. I was fine until I started seeing her. Now, I am actually opening up to someone, ad the more I reveal, the more I learn, and the more confused I become. Kinda like the "Ignorance is Bliss" thing. Although I know in my heart that this is the best thing to do, it resurrects some really deep emotional scars that I have concealed with the "make-up" of extreme masculinity. You see, I come from a background of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse (three different people) and I have been masquerading as if there was a perfect past in my life. Now that I am open, and up front with her, I really feel that I need to take action. I am so scared. I have a daughter, lots of friends, a long time ggfriend of five years, who would be crushed, and an extremely conservative family. I feel like everyone would be let down, and I would be disowned.
If there is advice out there, that would be great. Or, if somebody could tell me that they have been where I am.
xoxoxo,
Stephanie

[Sharon]

One of the values of seeing a good therapist is that they force you to ask yourself the relevant questions, which, until you arrive at the right answers, are bound to confuse you.

The only advice I have is to hang in there and be patient with yourself in finding the ultimate answers that you seek. When you decide to proclaim to the world, especially your loved ones, that you are transsexual, it begins a domino effect on all your relationships and your life in general. Hopefully, most things will be positive, but you need to be prepared for those that are not. You just want to be sure that you don't do anything until you consider all the ramifications.

Good luck to you no matter what you do, Steff, and I hope you continue to post how things are going for you. :happy:

[GypsyKaren]

Hiya Steff, and welcome to our neck of the woods.

I unfortunately have the same background as you, so I can easily relate. Talking to someone about it was probably one of the best things I've ever done, because getting it out into the open put me into a position to deal with and conquer it, so I have ghosts no more. A therapist won't have the answers for you, but instead will get you to talking things out so that you can find them. Just try to be patient, because it will get worse before it gets better, but better it will, you just have to give it time. Abuse such as ours over a long period of time will need more than a little of it to heal, so just take one step at a time, you'll still win the race.

One other quick thing, YOU are the victim here and no one else, and you most certainly will not be letting anyone down, so stop that kind of talk right now!

Karen Starlene

[brean1975]

I have some of the same feelings. I started to face this a year ago and am more confused now than ever. Every time i think i have found the answer to something I find a new issue to deal with. I still don't know who i am but learning more is a good thing for me. I have no abuse to deal with and its still hard. Accepting myself in the future will worth it.

Best of luck to you.

[AmandaM]

Just because you may find out you are a TS, doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. Sometimes, admitting it is enough. I admit that I may be TS. But, I'm not giving up my day job. :)

[Stlalice]

Steff,

It often takes a long time to work past the feelings of pain, guilt, humiliation, and hurt that go with being a victim of abuse. Quite often a poor self image is also a result of that abuse too. Working through these feelings takes time and there is no way to rush through it. It can literally take years to do. As for coming out to your family - this to will take time and the first one that has to accept you for the beautiful person of worth that you are is you. Once you have done this then it may be time to "come out" to others and you may be surprised by the positive reaction of the people closest to you. One thing that will help is to build a support structure of people who know you as Steff - I don't know your feelings on religion but if you can find an "open and accepting" church of some sort close to you it might be well worth looking into. The Metropolitan Community Church, Unitarians, and at least some of the Episcopal churches and others are a place to start. There are a lot of supportive, caring people out there who will help you once you start looking for them. Another on line resource is abuse survivor networks/boards at Live Journal as well as this forum. Hang in there kid - we are here for you when needed. :hugs: