An Unexpected Side Effect

[Valerie Nicole]

For those of you that don't know about what's been going on in my life recently, just this afternoon I had to tell my best friend that I didn't think we could hang out or talk anymore. I did this to preserve her relationship with her fiance. She is also the reason I've accepted who I am, and the first one I ever came out to with my CDing. That's just the background information, here's the newest development.

I'm starting to slip backward already, and we just said goodbye today. I have given thought (though not serious yet) to purging. I don't want to dress anymore, ever. The thought of it makes me sick, to be perfectly honest. I feel like now that she's gone I have to start over. I hate this part of me again, despite everything I have already overcome.

I feel like I just want to go back into my shell and just let the world keep going without me. I feel very ashamed of who I am, even despite the selfless thing I did for her. It's almost like my self acceptance was somehow coming from her all along, and now that she's not in my life, I can't accept what I am.

Or maybe I'm just slipping backwards because, on some level, I want to forget her and move on, but I know I only got to where I am because of her. So subconsciously I'm reverting back to what I was like before she and I were friends. I'm going back to being filled with confusion, self doubt, and even self hatred for my crossdressing, something which in the past few months I had come to fully embrace and enjoy. I just feel like without her, I can't do it anymore.

Well that's it. I'm sorry for the rant. If anyone has any advice or comments or something else useful to say, I look forward to reading it. :hugs:

[Holly]

Valerie, it take real courage to do the right thing sometimes. You can't allow others, however, to define who you are. You can't blame your dressing for the parting of the ways with your friend. In reality dressing had little, if anything to do with it. Just what is it that you get out of CDing? Giving it up (assuming that you can) would do nothing to change the situation with your friend... nothing. Continuing to dress will allow you to continue exploring who you are. Self discovery, although a bit frightening at times, can be extremely rewarding.

[Bobbie cd]

Not that I claim to be all-knowing or overly wise. (Most people would be more likely to classify me as a wise-***, LOL). But, I do have a couple of serious comments to make.

One, it is not unusual to feel sad, depressed, or unhappy when placed in a situation where you feel that you are basically losing what you consider a very close friend. It is not easy to get past that, but with time, and hopefully the assistance of other friends, you should be able to gain some degree of emotional balance again.

Two, if it is dependent on someone else, then it really isn't self acceptance, now is it? I am not trying to be flippant, or to downplay the importance of what this person has done for you or meant to you. The fact that she helped you to face up to and find some comfort level with this part of yourself is a fine and rare gift from what seems to be a truly caring friend. But in the end, you have to take some responsibility for and ownership of your own nature. The hardest part of this for most of us is that whole concept of accepting who we are and finding that feeling of being 'comfortable in our own skin', as it were.

I hid from myself pretty much for decades, and still find it difficult some days to be at peace with the duality of my gender sense. Nobody finds that level of inner peace quickly or easily, there are no short-cuts that I am aware of, and each of us has to find our own path through life's bramble patch.

About the only other thing I can offer you is a big hug.
:hugs:

[KarenMichelleLuv]

Valerie,

If I may be blunt, The problem isn't you. It's your relationship with your friend.

Peoples needs change as they grow, and this includes us. Much of the time, one or both friends in a relationship can roll with these changes. You were both close with each other, dare I say even loved each other and therefore the thought of not interacting with her anymore is very painful.

Pain is not an excuse to hide from the world at large. It is a sharp motivator which make us re-examine ourselves and the role we played in the creation of the pain. You've assigned your friend to the role of "Acceptance of you and of Valerie" in all your creative beauty. This is too much responsibility to give to any friend. This role is yours and only yours. You know this. The urge to purge is just a way of punishing yourself because the friendship changed and you had no say in its disolution.

Give her her space. Be available if she chooses to call you again. Move on with your life. Go back to the place where you accepted yourself and all that you are. Use your friendships here and in your real world to find the handle you need to continue.

Acknowledge and rejoice the fact of your friendship with her and how it assisted you in growing. Don't erase all the good things that your friendship created.

:hugs:

[Joy Carter]

You did the right thing Val. This hurt will pass believe me. But don't purge. Your you and that you can't change.:hugs:

[Oddlee]

For those of you that don't know about what's been going on in my life recently, just this afternoon I had to tell my best friend that I didn't think we could hang out or talk anymore.

Valerie,
I'm a little confused. This woman is a good friend of yours, who has helped you accept the somewhat odd side of you that likes to wear women's clothing. She is engaged to another man. You think that your interest in cross-dressing might influence this woman's engagement to her espoused? If this is all correct, I have a number of comments/observations/questions:

First, this seems more like a discussion that should happen with your friend, with questions like "Does your friendship with me, a cross-dresser, jeopardize your relationship with Jack?" Which I would immediately follow with: does he know about my habits, and how?

Anyway, it seems like it ought to be a discussion point about severing a relationship rather than a unilateral decision... As someone else has observed, how is the relationship between this woman and her intended your responsibility? Seems like it should be her decision to enter a relationship with her intended while maintaining (or not) her friendship with you.

Of course, I say all this with minimal knowladge of you and your relationships with this woman or your hopes and desires regarding that relationship.

Lee

[Sheri 4242]

You can't allow others . . . to define who you are. You can't blame your dressing for the parting of the ways with your friend.


The fact that she helped you to face up to and find some comfort level with this part of yourself is a fine and rare gift from what seems to be a truly caring friend.


This woman is a good friend of yours, who has helped you accept the somewhat odd side of you that likes to wear women's clothing. She is engaged to another man. You think that your interest in cross-dressing might influence this woman's engagement to her espoused?

I am not certain that I really understand why you are ending the relationship? Is it you ending it? Or, is it her? Is there a fear of what your relationship might do to her pending marriage?

Actually, my first impression is that maybe you are acting with too much haste. You've told us a great deal, but there still seems to be some crucial pieces missing.

I don't think purging will accomplish anything!!!

If I might be blunt: are you in love with this woman???

[Karren H]

Well my only comment is that you've go nothing to be ashamed about, crossdrressing wise... As Rita is always saying... You got to learn to love yourself... Once you do and accept that what you love to do is not a bad thing, then everything changes for the better... And crossdressing becomes fun!! The way it should be!!

Karren

[Marla S]

For those of you that don't know about what's been going on in my life recently, just this afternoon I had to tell my best friend that I didn't think we could hang out or talk anymore. I did this to preserve her relationship with her fiance. She is also the reason I've accepted who I am, and the first one I ever came out to with my CDing.
Hmmmmm ?????
It sounds a bit like you would make your CDing responsible for everything that doesn't work out in order to be able to not like yourself or to have a handle to manage difficult situations.

It's honorable that you want to preserve her relationship, but it is absolutely not your duty. If, it is her task to send you away if she fears you have a negative impact on her relationship. She is responsible for her relationship not you.

You might want to think about the real reason for your withdrawal.

Probably I am completely wrong, but that was my first impression reading your post.

[MJ]

self acceptance

self acceptance is the key here . Valerie you have been here long enough to know we are hard wired from birth .. don't purge you will be sorry .face it hun you are in this for life please love yourself acceptance is the key here

i wish you well :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

Valerie, you did the noble thing in connection with your friend, which is good and I know you are hurting. Don't destroy Valerie because of this though. You've come a long way my friend and too far to lose yourself now. To be honest, you owe it to yourself to continue being yourself and you also owe it to your friend. How would she feel if she knew that this caused you to destroy the good person that is Valerie? She values your friendship and regardless of what she has chosen to do, you should continue to value yourself. We have very little to say as to what other people choose to do, even our best friends. The best we can do is carry on and continue to be ourselves. A good friend would expect no less and you shouldn't either. You are never alone anyway as all your friends here care about you very much. Just know that whether you decide to continue being Valerie or not, we are always your friends.:hugs:

[Emily Ann Brown]

Am I the only one here who knows that some guys can be real turds about their women having ANY relationship with another man? GEESH. The first person that knew about me and was supportive was also a GG heavily involved with a man. We were gal pals but she saw he was jealous (and no he had no clue that I was TG).....only difference was she told him to grow up or move on.

Valerie, who you are is who you are. You simply need some acceptance in your life that isn't there now since she is gone. Learning to love yourself isn't easy with society telling you how unlovely you are, but you can do it. Look around you. A lot of us got to where we are by accepting ourselves and then not looking back. Find a big sister here that you can connect with mentally and grow from that new friendship.


Emily Ann

[MichelleSanders]

I guess I don’t understand why you want to end the relationship. It is understandable that it would not be proper to keep meeting your best friend in the absence of the fiancé. The part I don’t get is why you and the fiancé have not met and become friends of sorts. I am sure your best friend and you have had some very personal talks over the years and that may come to an end but the relationship does not have to.

Back in younger years I had many friends that got engaged and it never severed our relationship. For the most part the new spouse became common friends with me. Sure, some of those relationships drifted apart over the years as people’s lives changed (kids, moving away), but they never ended so sudden as someone merely getting engaged.

There must be something I am missing from your post. It hurts when you lose someone close and you are definitely feeling the sorrow of that loss. I guess my only advice would be to try to befriend the fiancé thus keeping your best friend in your life, at least to some degree, probably not like the “old days”.

Whatever the case, I am sorry for your grief.
Shelley

[Chiana]

Am I the only one here who knows that some guys can be real turds about their women having ANY relationship with another man? GEESH. The first person that knew about me and was supportive was also a GG heavily involved with a man. We were gal pals but she saw he was jealous (and no he had no clue that I was TG).....only difference was she told him to grow up or move on.

Emily Ann


I would bet this is the real problem. My G/G friend and confidant just told me the other day that she was getting married. But she took the time to tell her fiance that she and I have been friends for many years and that we are going to remain being close friends and that he would have to accept it. He does not know about my crossdressing and never will. But he does know that she and I have a very special relationship and it has endured the years. Hopefully, your G/G friend will be able to stand up to her fiance's jealousy for the sake of your friendship.

[Sheri 4242]

. . . she and I have been friends for many years and that we are going to remain being close friends and that he would have to accept it. He does not know about my crossdressing and never will. But he does know that she and I have a very special relationship and it has endured the years.

I have two extremely close friends that are GG's. One knows about the CDing, the other doesn't, but that's not the point. What is the point is that these friends (actually one moreso than the other) "came with the package" so to speak, when my wife and I were dating and heading to marriage. I know my wife had some jealousy problems early on -- she had never known a man who had close "girl friends" who were truly friends. (In part, I can understand b/c my wife's first husband had many affairs when they were married.) It can be a difficult obstical, but it can be overcome.


There must be something I am missing from your post.

If I am wrong, please forgive me, but it does seem that some element is missing from what you have chosen to tell us. It is obvious that there are many here who want to give you their best counsel, but "if" there is something being withheld, then our advice cannot be on target.

[Valerie Nicole]

I guess I don’t understand why you want to end the relationship. It is understandable that it would not be proper to keep meeting your best friend in the absence of the fiancé. The part I don’t get is why you and the fiancé have not met and become friends of sorts. I am sure your best friend and you have had some very personal talks over the years and that may come to an end but the relationship does not have to.

Back in younger years I had many friends that got engaged and it never severed our relationship. For the most part the new spouse became common friends with me. Sure, some of those relationships drifted apart over the years as people’s lives changed (kids, moving away), but they never ended so sudden as someone merely getting engaged.

There must be something I am missing from your post. It hurts when you lose someone close and you are definitely feeling the sorrow of that loss. I guess my only advice would be to try to befriend the fiancé thus keeping your best friend in your life, at least to some degree, probably not like the “old days”.

Whatever the case, I am sorry for your grief.
Shelley

I have tried for months to befriend him. The fact is (and my friend would agree with this 100%) that he hates me, sees me as a competitor, and has actually told me he wanted me to kill myself. Even yesterday when me and my friend met to talk about this, I suggested the possibility of trying to talk things through with him, and she just shook her head and said that there is no way he'd even be willing to talk.

For those of you who are wondering why it is that I had to terminate the friendship, it's because of what I just said about her fiance. He would not accept my friendship with her, and it was already causing tension between the two of them. Eventually, he would have forced her into a choice, which would have been unfair and painful for her. I didn't want to see that happen to my best friend, someone I care deeply about, so I decided the best thing I could do was tell her that we needed to part ways.

Both Barbara and KarenMichelle have expressed the opinion that I might have been in love with her and/or vice versa. This is a question I have been grappling with for months. My official, public stance is "no." But to be honest, I'm not sure. I don't want to love her. If I did I would never act on it. Even if she weren't in any relationship I would never act on it because she and I have become so close as friends. I know I used to be in love with her, and for a time I was sure I had moved past those feelings.

I think it's also important to add, for those who haven't read the other posts I've made about this, that she and I may only be taking a break from the friendship for the time being, and the ball is entirely in my court. We made an agreement that we can be there for each other in times of need, and that maybe after a little while, we can start speaking online again.

On another note, I guess I was just feeling really depressed and hurt last night. I still am, but I'm also thinking a little more clearly. There's still a big part of me that wants to turn my back on this wonderful life I have now, but I think I figured out the reason. It isn't that my self acceptance was dependant on my friend...it's just that I had so many "firsts" with her as far as my dressing goes, that this part of my life is going to remind me of her for a long, long time. It's kind of like how a certain movie or song can remind you of a close friendship or relationship, so even though you love that movie or song, it becomes to painful to see/hear it for a while.

I'm not going to purge. My clothes are already in garbage bag in my closet (not that I had intended to throw them out, just that that's how I store them). It may be a long time before I can bring myself to dress or shop again, but I'm not going to try and put Valerie out of my life.

Thank you to everyone who's responded so far. At times like this, I'm always amazed by the outreach from my friends here. This is a wonderful community and I really appreciate each and every reply to my posts. Thank you, my friends.

[sterling12]

You realize of course, that the odds of her relationship continuing are pretty long. Even if she marries this guy, it will probably end very badly.

Jealousy is a horrible green-eyed monster that destroys just about everything it touches. I think you are doing the right thing, for right now. If he told you to commit suicide or wished that you would commit suicide, it wouldn't be long before his actions would probably escalate into something much worse. He might just decide to "deal with you," because he thinks you ought to be dead anyway.

You have now changed the game! He won't be able to focus on you, if your not a round. Now, he will have to find someone else to be jealous about. I imagine that pretty soon your friend will get all this figured out.

By the way, don't purge. "Time heals all wounds." Or, "Time wounds all heels," something like that. Soon you will want your pretties back and then you will feel worse because you got rid of them and it solved nothing!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Valerie Nicole]

I decided to do something completely opposite to purging. I shaved my legs...and you know what...it still feels good! I can't turn back. I'm not going to purge...and just because she got me here doesn't mean I can't go on without her. And sterling12, with regards to your comment about her relationship with him...well, let's just say my feelings are mixed.

There is a part of me that would like nothing more than to see her relationship with him break down, just so she and I can go back to being friends, without the stress of dealing with his jealousy. On the other hand, I feel pretty bad about myself for even thinking those things. She's my best friend, someone I care deeply about, and I feel pretty bad for wishing ill on her relationship with somebody she loves.

[rose382832]

i am so happy that you have reached the point where you dont need to lean on someone for support, but i am so sorry that you had to lose your best friend to get there. hopefully, for you, she will soon realise that she is marrying a homocidal maniac and call it of. if she doesn't then i wish her happyness, if she does then i wish the two of you happyness together.:hugs::hugs::love::hugs::hugs::drink:




pm me if you feel the need to run away on the wedding weekend. you cant be that far away.

[racquel]

It's quite amazing how shaving one's legs can help during a tough emotional time:heehee:If experiencing a major crisis one may resort to painting of toenails.
I'm really happy for you Valerie,I hope and pray your friend can deal with the control freak she is starting her married life with.I wish her well.:hugs:

[Rita B]

Valerie,

The hurt will go away. Trust me. You did a good thing and real true friendship never dies. She is still in your heart and always will be.

As far as purging goes. Don't do it. Store everything for a while until you can sort things out. Take it from a pro at purging. I could open my own boutique with all the stuff I gave away in my life. Hey, 15 years in the closet and back out again. What does that tell you. ?

The thing about dressing as I am still learning, is you have to try and control it not let it control you. Put guidelines on it. Get a program. Dear , you are a crossdresser for life even if you never put on a dress again.

Cheer up,:hugs:


Rita B

[Fab Karen]

It's obvious it's about the sadness of potentially losing your good friend.
When you're ready to dress again, you should find some T-girls in your area to hang out with/get out with.

[Kristen Kelly]

Valerie, people come into our lives for different reasons some we have no control over their comings and goings. Looking back I have had GF’s and friends that have shaped who I have become, some I have remained friends with, others that still pop in and out of my life. Others may influence who you become but they should not control who you are. Took me 30 years to accept myself, and no changing that now.

[Kelsy]

I have found that self acceptance is a little like a rollercoaster ride - Highs and lows. I understand that when a relationship ends - for what ever reason, especially one that is accepting and supporting , you are cast off and on your own again making for a very unsettled time. I am who I am and after 41 years I have never been able to escape it. I am learning that life is easier when I just allow myself to be myself. purging is no longer an option. The highs and lows are becoming less severe and I am happier for it.
I hope things even out for you!!:hugs:

Jennifer:happy:

[Chantelle CD]

I'm so glad that you have chosen not to purge!!


Both Barbara and KarenMichelle have expressed the opinion that I might have been in love with her and/or vice versa. This is a question I have been grappling with for months. My official, public stance is "no." But to be honest, I'm not sure. I don't want to love her. If I did I would never act on it. Even if she weren't in any relationship I would never act on it because she and I have become so close as friends. I know I used to be in love with her, and for a time I was sure I had moved past those feelings.

You say you use to be in love with her, and for a time you say you were sure you did, that it is a question you are grappling with for months, maybe the fact her boyfriend has these insecure feeling, is because there IS something there, for you and for her, and his fears are real because he senses it. The very best of relationships are built on friendship, not just lovers, I wouldn't throw out the possibility that you love this woman, because you are to close as friends!!! That is the best kind of relationship. Have you talked with her about her feelings for this man? or ever told you how she feels for you? The fact that you ended the friendship with her, tells me that you do love her, and thinking of her happiness, the fact that you wanted to purge tells me that you do a lot!! What is this man like? Is he good to her? does he make her happy? is he a good man? Does she love him? If she does you did the right thing, so that her relationship will not be troubled. If she love you, is another question. If he is bad for her, she may come to you for help. A lot of these questions would determine what i would do if i was in your heels. But it sounds that there is a connection going on here, that is why it really really hurts so much. A very close friend that you love that you will never see again hurts, but someone you totally love, and never see again, and cant be with, will hurt a lot more. best of luck friend, i hope things work out, i cant give any real advice, i do not know enough of the situation, and it is a complex one at that. <supportful hug>

[MsJanessa]

I have tried for months to befriend him. The fact is (and my friend would agree with this 100%) that he hates me, sees me as a competitor, and has actually told me he wanted me to kill myself. Even yesterday when me and my friend met to talk about this, I suggested the possibility of trying to talk things through with him, and she just shook her head and said that there is no way he'd even be willing to talk.

For those of you who are wondering why it is that I had to terminate the friendship, it's because of what I just said about her fiance. He would not accept my friendship with her, and it was already causing tension between the two of them. Eventually, he would have forced her into a choice, which would have been unfair and painful for her. I didn't want to see that happen to my best friend, someone I care deeply about, so I decided the best thing I could do was tell her that we needed to part ways.

Both Barbara and KarenMichelle have expressed the opinion that I might have been in love with her and/or vice versa. This is a question I have been grappling with for months. My official, public stance is "no." But to be honest, I'm not sure. I don't want to love her. If I did I would never act on it. Even if she weren't in any relationship I would never act on it because she and I have become so close as friends. I know I used to be in love with her, and for a time I was sure I had moved past those feelings.

I think it's also important to add, for those who haven't read the other posts I've made about this, that she and I may only be taking a break from the friendship for the time being, and the ball is entirely in my court. We made an agreement that we can be there for each other in times of need, and that maybe after a little while, we can start speaking online again.

On another note, I guess I was just feeling really depressed and hurt last night. I still am, but I'm also thinking a little more clearly. There's still a big part of me that wants to turn my back on this wonderful life I have now, but I think I figured out the reason. It isn't that my self acceptance was dependant on my friend...it's just that I had so many "firsts" with her as far as my dressing goes, that this part of my life is going to remind me of her for a long, long time. It's kind of like how a certain movie or song can remind you of a close friendship or relationship, so even though you love that movie or song, it becomes to painful to see/hear it for a while.

I'm not going to purge. My clothes are already in garbage bag in my closet (not that I had intended to throw them out, just that that's how I store them). It may be a long time before I can bring myself to dress or shop again, but I'm not going to try and put Valerie out of my life.

Thank you to everyone who's responded so far. At times like this, I'm always amazed by the outreach from my friends here. This is a wonderful community and I really appreciate each and every reply to my posts. Thank you, my friends.

well of course you are in love with her. That's why you feel depressed about ending the relationship and that's probably why jerkoff boyfriend is acting the way he does---btw the Girls who have posted here are right--I suspect that your friend's "relationship" with this guy will be really short lived He sounds like an absolute control freak or very immature---in any event give it a few months and I suspect she will be single again----in the meantime don't purge---that won't help matters and will only make you more depressed--in fact you should never make a major decision like purging etc while you are depressed---wait until you feel better