Need advice on staying with bf

[Wendy A]

My bf of 4 yrs now dresses in female clothing, skirts seems to be the favorite and pantyhose and bra.At first I was open minded I went to store with him and bought him thongs when I bought mine.I think I did this out of selfishness, just to make him feel like I was the only one who would ever support him, but I was very confused at the time, but I did get a great deal of satisfaction seeing him so happy and relived that someone finally got it. His ex wife came home one day early from work and caught him in her clothes, in the divorce she demanded alot of money or she would tell his friends and family.After the novelty wore off I got more and more displeased seeing him in womens clothing. But yet for X Mas I still would buy him a ton of womens clothes,I was enabling to do exactly what I didn't want him to do.The clothes don't bother me so much as him trying to show affection for me, hugging, kissing, for some odd reason it is easier to just have sex with him.I'll try to hurry this up.....This is my concern......what if he is gay....I know, not all cross dressers are gay but he started doing make up which i admit i help him put on then wigs....then what really scrred me he shaved the top of his legs. He insists he is not gay yet he had me buy a.....well this is suppossed to be a clean chat so I'll try to follow while you still understand what I am taalking about....It had straps to go over my hips, and he would like me to kneel in back of him, anal sex.We have done this with vibrators and I don't mind it is a scientific fact men have sexual feelings back there and pleasing someone else is the biggest turn on for me maybe thats why I keep allowing it to happen, but I also know he would do it behind my back. As far as the strap thing Im confused, I do think about other women during romantic encounters but I have no interest in becoming involved with one its just a fantasy. So the strap thing I dont know if it is him working up to being Bi or what he, he also has a goatee and mustache so he doesnt look very convincing lol.He even want to wear cotton night gowns to bed "b/c they are comfy".THe problem is I must love him I have been with him for 4 years but I dont want to waste my time on someone that may turn gay Im 35 and would like to have another child and have a solid family. He says the thrill for him.....he feels sexy, he never feels sexy in mens clothes. But the problem with this is masculinity is a huge turn on for me, and sometimes during making love we role play and I ask him if he wants me to be a woman or man, and he picks man. But I fantasize about women everytime I have sex but I am not gay I dont scope the girls out at the mall.So I'm very very confused.He asks me first before he dresses, it is about 2x a week but I;m sure it would be everyday if I said he could, Plus my 13 yr old daughter is around and she has no idea, but she stays with her dad on weekends or longer.My point is I guess am I wasting time, as I said Im 35 I want a child I would not exactly be a young parent so time is of the essence. I'm just scared....that if another man approached him the right way, maybe another cross dresser, I cant say he wouldnt experiment or even go all the way.....after 4 years I should be able to answer that question confidently. And when he puts on the clothes he does get aroused....ummmmm smalller parts get bigger, but he doesnt want sex at that moment.....I'm sorry for how long this was It's hard cramming 4 yrs into one letter....I would be very thankful if anyone could give me some insight or opinions into this situation. I dont want to regret it down the road.......Thanks for listening, Wendy................I'm new here I hope this isnt spamming the same message several times

[prettywithsideburns]

as any regular reader of Savage Love knows, lot's of straight men like to receive anal from their gf's. it's almost vanilla nowdays.

[Tamara Croft]

Hiya and welcome to the forum :hugs:

I think you need to slow down, take a deep breath and try to put a few things into perspective. One thing that jumped out at me was 'will he turn gay'... simple answer to this is 'no'. You don't turn gay, you either are or are not... I have to agree with prettywithsideburns ;) and I don't see anal sex being associated with just gay people. Your SO is a CD, one of their fantasies imho (from learning things off this board), is they like to pretend they are being made love to by a man... which is probably why your guy asks for this. However, if this makes you uncomfortable, you should say something to him, tell him how you feel, that you want to be made to feel like a woman ;) bit of give and take in a relationship.

I hope that helps a bit :hugs:

[Robin Leigh]

Welcome to the forum, Wendy A!

Your bf may have bi feelings or fantasies, but that doesn't mean that he'll act on them. It sounds like you are satisfying his desire to be treated sexually like a woman, so why would he stray when he's got it so good at home? :D Many members here would love their wives to be even 1% as supportive as you are, Wendy. :thumbsup:

I think you do need to have a relaxed but serious talk with him about these issues. He has to realize that it's only fair for him to respect your desires & attractions. You two need to work out a balance of girl time & boy time that you are both comfortable with. Let him know what makes you comfortable, and what you have difficulty tolerating. This should be something that is fun to share, not something we merely tolerate out of love.

You both need security: you want stability for your family, and he needs a safe space to experience his CD/TG side. You are providing him with this safe space. Let him know how important it is for you to be assured that you are secure with him, and that he's not going to run off in search of sleazy sexual escapades.

I hope this helps,

:hugs:

Robin

[Frankie-Dear]

Wonderful advice, everyone. Wendy, I just wish you and your beau, the very best of luck, clear honest communication, a good balance, and LOTS of sexy fun!! :thumbsup:

[Chantelle CD]

Lot of good advice so far Wendy, i suggest you read more and more on this site, but remember what is for one isn't for your man, in all cases, but in some. My SO started reading on a site like this one, and even posted a few, until she understood better, what all this means for us, now she doesn't need to at all, and totally understands. But she still doesn't want me to be mushy with her dressed up at all, and i totally understand this, she voiced her opinion, and i respect it. If he wants to do things you are not comfortable with, then talk and express yourself with him, if he is understanding at all to your side, he will understand, and conform to help ease your being, or he should anyways. Sometimes we feel so pretty when dressed up, we get carried away with the emotions, and yes, they are real emotions, even if we are men, doesn't mean we cant feel these emotions, god gave us free will, so we can feel them, and there a part of us anyways, some just choose to awaken them and intensify it, some dont. It doesn't mean he is gay, but may be feeling his female energy's strongly and wanting to act out in a fantasy, and even include you in them, you can choose to if you want, or not, thats up to you, if he tells you he is not, do you feel as though it is the truth, coming from his heart? or do you honestly feel he is lieing to you and himself? The one that can tell you honestly, besides himself , is you, you are the closest to his heart, and have the best chance of seeing the truth, just try not to let fear, interfere with what it is you see!! Open your hearts and talk openly, without fear, OK :)

Good luck dear, the fact that you want to try, puts you waaaay above most for being an understanding soul!!

[Dixie]

My wife would really love it if I were Bi. We have experimented and for me I get more turned on by the fact that I am recieving anal sex from a woman than I did from a man, However I have a deep fantasy about being taken by a man while I am dressed, We haven't done this yet but it may happen soon enough. I can say that I love anal sex when it is given to me by WOMEN! It is a major turn on! This may be the case with your husband, don't be too quick to jump to conclusions. Keeping an open honest dialogue is the most important thing.

[Sheri 4242]

Wendy A,

First, let me say welcome!!! I think you have come to the right place to help you get sound advice!!! If I may say so, you sound very distressed!!! That is, IMHO, very understandable. Your bf has thrown at you several different things, from crossdressing to certain sexual components, all of which can be daunting and quite perplexing!!!

On this site you will find a caring community of people who understand exactly what you are experiencing!!! (By the way, once you reach 10 posts, you can apply to join the GG-only forum -- GG stands for Genetic (or Genuine, depending on who you are talking to) Girl. Sometimes you will find that conversations with other GGs may be beneficial, and at other times you will find that you might recive very helpful advice from a crossdresser. At any rate, welcome!

Second, let me put one subject to rest quickly: the majority of mtf crossdressers (mtf = male-to-female) are heterosexual. Hard figures are difficult to come by because mtf crossdressing is shrouded in deep secrecy and outright fear. Many mtf crossdressers go an entire lifetime hiding their secret!!! Many so-called experts say that 1 in 10 males in the U.S. are crossdressers; other research suggests than percentage may be higher. The truth is, nobody really knows b/c mtf crossdressers frequently live with extreme fear and guilt!!! If you like to read and do research, I can give you numerous cites to follow up with -- and I am talking about cutting-edge, respected medical and psychology books! There are a number of websites that can also help. They may not always be scholarlly, but they are sufficient for a quick read. Check out Tri-Ess (the Society for the Second Self, an organization for crossdressers, their SO's (significant others), and other family members. You are already way ahead of what is often normal: many SO's do not learn about their husband's CDing until after years of marriage, which brings into play a tremendous element of deceit!!! (Can you imagine the sense of betrayal you'd feel if you didn't learn about this until after 10-20-30 years of marriage?!!!) I haven't dealt much with Tri-Ess, but they do have support for people such as yourself -- you may not be married yet, but you are your bf's SO. It is better that you deal with this now, fully and completely!!!

The next thing I'd say to you is that a healthy and vibrant marriage must be built on a foundation of trust and honesty. It sounds to me as if you and your bf need to do some clear and unambigious talking -- at a time and place when you won't be interrupted. You deserve to know the facts about
his CDing. True, some CDers are gay, but to help alleviate some fear, most gay men are attracted to men, not men emulating women. From what you have told us, my first instinct is that he is not gay, but you are going to have to talk to him about this!!!

In the main, I think you are going to find out that a majority of mtf CDers have known they were CDers from an early age. I knew from my earliest of memories (like age 4). Some didn't know until they were 8-9-10, etc., but we, for the most part (but not all of us) have known for a long time. Most of us have gone through serious episodes of guilt -- swearing we'd never do it again and "purging" (throwing away all of our feminine clothing). Then, the internal urges would return and we'd be CDing again. It is my position (and not everybody agrees; we all have different theories and ideas, but that isn't what is important right now -- your problem is much more immediate) that I have within me a maculine side (or aspect) and a feminine side (or aspect) . . . and crossdressing is the visible expression of my feminine side. In the main, it is what I am -- and at fifty-something, I am now quite happy -- I feel good about who I am and what I am!!! I feel good, too, that I have a wonderful accepting wife who is my life partner, split-apart, and soul mate -- she accepts my CDing, encourages and supports it!!!

Maybe this might be of help to you: when my wife and I were dating and I came out to her about being a CDer, she realized that a good part of what she really liked about me probably directly extended from me being a CDer!!! Many crossdressers are more nurturing and loving -- and many deeply desire to have a soul mate to share this apect of themselves with -- it completes them!!!

Another thing: if you and your bf are going to make this work, you must learn to esablish and respect boundaries. Boundaries are moveable as time allows comfort levels to change -- as you both grow. My wife, for example, early in our relationship had a problem with my wearing bras. I, on the other hand, really wanted to wear them as it made me feel more complete when dressed. I was patient and explained this to my wife after some time, then dropped the subject. After she had thought about it, she said okay, I get it, go ahead and wear bras if you want -- the only thing I ask is that you not wear them when we are making love. I said okay, and that is how things went for a long while. After some time, it became okay for me to wear a bra even when making love -- kind of depends on how we get things started (ahem - LOL)!!! Boundaries, give-and-take, compromise -- they all come into play and what I'd like to tell you is that "if" there are times when you need your bf to "be your man," then establish this with him as part of the boundaries. You'll find you have a certain comfort zone -- you'll find that it might change -- you must start with can you accept the real him (as long as he's being totally honest and forthcoming).

As to the (*double ahem*) sexual devices, well, let's just say that some people like this and some don't -- "if" you enjoy it, fine if he does, too. If you don't, then consider possible alternatives.

Well, I am sure you will get plenty of responses, so let me end by suggesting that you go through many of the old threads on this site. You'll probably find some (many?) that apply to you, so take the time to read and learn.

I wish you the best!!! Once you reach 10 posts, you can PM (send private messages), so feel free to ask me any questions you might have!!! Usually my wife reads what I write and I will often give her opinions along with mine.

Barbara

BTW, I hate to add anything b/c I've gone on for so long already. BUT, some CDers "dress to the nines" -- IOW, they dress all the way, including wig and make-up. Some CDers only dress all the way some of the time, and partially dress at other times. Some CDers only "underdress" -- which means they might wear just one, two or three articles under their male clothing. This is just FYI. For example, one CDer I know is quite content just wearing panties -- he does it all the time and doesn't even own any male underware any more. When my wife and I were dating, I introduced my CDing to her by telling her I loved the feeling of "silky against silky." She asked what I meant, and I responded that I loved the feeling of us both wearing silky nightgowns and thigh highs. She was fine with that -- and we even threw in matching MMFMP shoes, which was also okay with her.

This might help: I know several GGs who are most comfortable wearing a man's t-shirt to sleep in. Society thinks that is fine -- even chic' and en vogue, but let a man put on a nightie . . . Well, you get the double standard.

Back to the sexual toy he likes: just b/c he likes anal stimulation and gets it by what he likes you to wear, does not necesarily mean he is gay or bi -- many men love the stimulation that comes from their prostate being stimulated. This aspect all boils down to whether or not you enjoy this!!!

[Sandra]

Hi Wendy

You've had some good advice already, if your SO wants to do things you are not comfy with them tell him so he maybe doesn't realise it. As for the "turning gay" Tamara is right you don't turn gay and just because he wants anal sex doesn't mean he's gay.

Hope this helps a bit, you may also find it use full to join the GG forum where you will get a lot of advise and support from the rest of the GGs.

[Julie York]

You did say....

"I do think about other women during romantic encounters but I have no interest in becoming involved with one its just a fantasy."

If you applied that same thinking to him, you'd be less stressed. Maybe he feels exactly the same way about his own fantasies and feels lucky that he has someone to explore them with and wouldn't dream of doing them for real.

It is what you think, and assume, and presume, and worry about 'maybe' etc...that is causing you worry. So you've made a very astute move asking for information here. Even better would be asking for information from him.

Kind loving caring supportive reliable fathers sometimes wear high heels now and then.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Wendy,

It sounds to me as if you are a very broad minded and accepting woman. Good for you. The worry that I hear in your post seems to be over your idea that your BF will "turn gay" and experiment with other men or women.

As others have said already, your BF is not going to become gay. He is either gay already or he's not. He's probably not. He's a crossdresser. Very few crossdressers are gay. Gay men are attracted to other men. Gay men are not attracted to women and they are not usually attracted to men who want to look like women. So I would relax about this fear if I were you.

Your other worry, that he will stray from your relationship and have sex with others is where you need to set some bounderies or limits. If this is unaceptable to you than he needs to know this upfront. My wife made this clear early in our marriage. If I were to stray even once, she let me know that the marriage would be OVER. This is an issue that you both need to talk over. Make your bounderies known. It's unfair to worry about this without letting him know just how you feel.

That's my 2 cents worth. I think you are on the right path.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[az_azeel]

Hi Wendy and welcome.. you have had a lot of advice so far and I agree with what people have said.. you have done well in encouraging your partner by buying him clothes and bringing out his "fem side" I was shocked when my so pursauded me to shave my legs.. but that didnt turn me gay... lol... im sure if you continue to support your partner everything will work out fine and trust me enjoy the fun.. and probably my guess he enjoys going shopping with you.. some men hate that... I would count your blessings and keep reading why not Join the GG part and talk to other wives and partners.....

Take Care :hugs:

[Dixie Darling]

Wendy,

The folks here have given you some very accurate and very GOOD advice. What I’m curious about (and what might end up being an asset) is a statement that you made in your post: “But I fantasize about women every time I have sex but I am not gay I don’t scope the girls out at the mall.” It would seem that you could use this to your advantage as well as to the advantage of your boyfriend. I say that because most CDs would LOVE to have intimate relations with their partner while dressed enfemme. And regardless as to how the CD might be dressed, the SAME male reactions to stimulus will happen. In simple terms, his ‘equipment’ will still function in the same way it always does.

I can’t elaborate on the strap-on issue you have since I’ve never been inclined in that direction, but from the replies you’ve already seen here it seems that it’s not as uncommon as it would appear to be.

Now, as far as his turning gay or bi-sexual, as others have already mentioned here in the forum, that just doesn’t happen. A person is either gay or not – just like a person is a crossdresser or not. It’s something that they are BORN with and consequently had no choice in the matter. A couple of other things to consider about this is that he’s apparently sexually attracted to YOU. . . . a female. A gay person is attracted to those of their same gender so it just doesn’t make sense that a male would go to all the trouble of presenting himself as a woman in an attempt to attract someone who isn’t LOOKING for a woman. Obviously, since your boyfriend is sporting a goatee and moustache, he’s not going to look like a real woman anyway, but at the same time he’s not going OUT dressed enfemme trying to attract other male’s attentions. He is simply enjoying wearing feminine things when the two of you are together or when he’s by himself.

Finally, you didn’t mention in your post whether the two of you had sat down together and expressed your concerns with each other. If you haven’t done so, this is something that you definitely need to do as soon as possible. You seem to be accepting (to a degree) with the fact that he crossdresses and from what you’ve said he doesn’t seem to be embarrassed to talk to you about it. This is an ideal situation considering that both of you are open-minded enough to be able to intelligently discuss things with each other. He needs to know what YOUR concerns are in regards to the direction he seems to be going and at the same time you need to know what his future inclinations and plans might be. It might be advantageous to both of you to make a list of questions you’d like to address with each other and set a specific time when you can be together to discuss things and not be uninterrupted while you are doing so. This could be a way to clear up any misunderstandings and help both of you decide what you may want to do in the future.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[danielle_from_cal]

I think that if you have so many questions about someone, regardless of whether they are related to sexuality, you should consider moving on. The questions in your mind will never go away. There a plenty of other fish in the sea.

[Wenda]

Welcome to the site. Glad you came. The other gurls have already covered most points very well, especially that your don't 'turn gay". My little addition is that he is probably thrilled by your support (as the others have mentioned, most members here would kill for half the suppport your have shown). I doubt he has a clue about your feelings and fears. Talk. Talk. Talk. All the best, w.

[SandyR]

For a ahwile I thought I might have been BI. I think my wife might like that but, I really enjoy the ladies. For me dressing is a sexxy thing, but not sexual.

Does that make sense...

Big hug Girls.

SandyR

[kittypw GG]

Wendy,
Liking your gf to perform anal sex on you and recieving it from a man are not the same and does not make you gay. You should decide wether or not you trust your bf and give him the benifit of the doubt. Maybe he needs to slow down a little for a while. You need to tell him about your feelings. This fear of being gay is holding back the relationship. Once you allow yourself to trust him your relationship could be mutually satisfying. If you have fantasies about being with women but don't consider yourself gay well what is the problem here? You have a unique opportunity to act out a fantasy and remain true to your professed sexuality. It's a win win situation.

Ask your bf if he is gay. If he says no, and he has given you no reasons to mistrust him then BELIEVE him. Allow him to help you with your feelings by sharing them. Good luck Kitty

[Glenda]

Most men who are gay have known they were gay since they were very young. This doesn't mean they actually acted on these feelings. Years ago many felt these feelings were wrong and got involved with a woman in a marriage or relationship only to find the gay desires never went away. Sort of like many men's desires to crossdress.

Other men, like me, have always preferred women, never thought of having sex with another man, but at some point developed some bisexual tendencies or curiousities. These feelings may have never really been acted on or even acknowledged. I think this is a character trait of many (certainly not most) crossdressers. Certain threads on this site which ask about fantasies with men seem to bear this out as well. You even admitted that you fantasize about women sometimes as well. Will you act out these fantasies? Maybe not but given the right person at the right time.....who knows?

Another group of men have no gay or bisexual tendencies but do have desires for anal stimulation. Again, I would think the majority of men do not have these desires, but for those who do, the feelings are real. If they have an open minded partner then bully for them....or their partners. I think it would take an incredible amount of honesty for these men to be open enough with their partners to admit these desires.

You and your boyfriend would be well advised to discuss his feelings and desires honestly. Don't forget that your feelings and desires are just as important as his. If you can accept and participate on terms in which you are both comfortable then you may form a great bond with him.

The world has changed. What was once taboo is now accepted by many people.......at least in the privacy of their homes. Many young people don't even date anymore. They just hook-up. Men sharing certain desires is much more likely today that it was decades ago.

Having said that, I think there is a basic question you need to ask.

Does he want to commit to the relationship and have another child with you. If he doesn't then nothing else matters. If this is your priority then he needs to be onboard with it as well.

[Sheri 4242]

Most men who are gay have known they were gay since they were very young . . . Years ago many felt these feelings were wrong and got involved with a woman in a marriage or relationship only to find the gay desires never went away. Sort of like many men's desires to crossdress.

Very well stated, regarding gay men and crossdressers!!! With either you usually know, but many think the feelings will go away, or that you can control the feelings (or actions based on the feelings). Then, you get married only to learn that the feelings are still there!!!!


(Some/many CDing men) have no gay or bisexual tendencies but do have desires for anal stimulation. Again, I would think the majority of men do not have these desires, but for those who do, the feelings are real . . . I think it would take an incredible amount of honesty for these men to be open enough with their partners to admit these desires.

Again, extremely well said!!! Without doubt, honesty is the key!!!


You and your boyfriend would be well advised to discuss his feelings and desires honestly. Don't forget that your feelings and desires are just as important as his. If you can accept and participate on terms in which you are both comfortable then you may form a great bond with him. (Emphasis added by Barbara)

I said it earlier -- and Glenda has said it again (and perhaps said it much better) -- that honest and open communication between the two of you is an absolute must!!! If you both enjoy the anal strap-on act, then that's great. BUT, if even one of you has a problem with it, it becomes an issue that must be settled before your vows!!!!

At least his Cding and the sexual activity preference are out in the open before the wedding -- before your lives are changed forever!!!! You have the opportunity to talk about it, as well as important issues like future children -- and I think you two really need to have a serious heart-to-heart with open and complete honesty!!!! This IS an essential foundation for a vibrant, committed marriage!!!!!!!

[Alice B]

I think everyone here has pretty well coverd the subject and that he is not gay. The feelings he expresses and the sexual desires are pretty common for cross dressers and the fact that you have allowed yourself and him to explore these is to be praised. Even your own dreams about being with a woman are common and nothing to fear. But, you do need to sit down, talk and establish ground rules as to frequency of dressing, what is acceptable and not,etc. Also, you mentioned wanting to have a child. Has this been discussed with him because I see this as the real issue. He has had children from a previous marriage and I assume that you have not. A child changes a lot of things and you both need to be on the same page. If he is OK with another child he will have to, over time, slow down and restrict his dressing. If he can't or is unwilling to do this and you are strong about having children your relationship could be in trouble. Sit down and talk and if this does not work, get outside help. I wish you all the best. You have already shown that you are indead a truly special person.:love:

[Sheri 4242]

A child changes a lot of things and you both need to be on the same page. If he is OK with another child he will have to, over time, slow down and restrict his dressing. If he can't or is unwilling to do this and you are strong about having children your relationship could be in trouble.

Very wise advice!!! Changes in the family dynamic do alter things. My wife and I had finally reached the point of being "empty-nesters." (We both had been the custodial parents of two children each.) With the empty nest, I was able to dress all the time. Then, one of my step-daughters (who lived in another state) got pregnant, and from the get-go it was clear that not only was her fiance abusive, but that he had no intention of providing any child support. We felt she was living in a dangerous situation -- and that our grandchild would be in a dangerous situation along with her mother. After getting used to an "empty nest," it isn't easy to have a child move back home -- and, as joyous as a grandchild is, having one live with you 24/7/365 (and for whom you are 100% financially responsible) isn't an easy proposition, CDing being involved or not.

This is where a couple has to communicate clearly, b/c our family dynamics changed dramatically with two new heads in the house (and one being a newborn for whom we had tremendous responsibility for the day-to-day care). We took on the responsibilities, though, b/c it was the right thing to do! My CDing has had to be reduced, but you do what you have to do -- and as long as a couple are in agreement, it can work!

So, while our situation is different with respect to family, having children, and CDing, the principles are the same!!! You have to communicate with your spouse and make adjustments to lifestyle as needed!!!