Coming out (as bi) to my future roommate

[bi_weird]

Hey guys and gals, I've got a question. I'm heading out to grad school in a couple of weeks and rooming with a girl I've never met before. (FYI I'm ftm.) While I feel fine waiting discussing my gender issues with her until she sees me because I present as female most of the time still, I'd like to tell her I'm bisexual before I get out there. Thing is...that's just awkward. I've only spoken to her once on the phone, and now I'm emailing her. I want to come out to her in this letter, just to make sure that she's alright with it, but I don't really know how to put that. "Hi I've got three brothers, I'm from a small town, and I like both boys and girls"?!? Any suggestions as to a good way to do this? I know almost nothing about her, so I have no clues about how cool she'll be, but I do want her to know before I get out there.

[Sarah Rabbit]

I would not be to quick to tell your new room mate. She will find out in due course.. Let her get to know you first, so there is no question of an ulterior motive (If I may use that term). I feel that such disclosures in the second or third communication may send the wrong message.


Sarah R. :bunny:

[Dasein9]

I'm with Sarah. The first things we know about someone are usually the ones that are hardest to shake and that we define the person by. Unless you're really intending for her to think of you as "My bi roommate," I would wait until she sees how fabulous you are.

Make her brownies; then you'll be "My incredibly generous roommate" first. :D

[Cai]

I second what Sarah says. It's not really any of your roommate's business what gender you're attracted to. If you want to start bringing female dates home with you, I'd mention that to her so she's not blindsided with it.

[Kieron Andrew]

I dont think its the sort of thing you send in an email, more to the point i dont think its any of her business untill you get to know each other and maybe you want to start bring girls back to your dorm.......I think its the sort of thing that is talked about face to face, you never know she might be lesbian or Bi herself........you'll find out about each other as you get to know each other face to face, i dont think its relevent for a first meeting

[Laurie909]

I agree with all of the above. I had several roomates in college and I never discussed the fact I was a crossdresser with any of them. They all seemed fairly opened minded but I didn't go prying into their private lives, so why should they be in mine.

[Felix]

Hun I agree with everybody here, she don't need to know yet get to know her a bit first xx Felix :hugs:

[Di]

I agree............let her get to know how Fab you are.......and really unless you become very very close friends......I wouldn't say...it is your business really.

[CaptLex]

I know almost nothing about her, so I have no clues about how cool she'll be, but I do want her to know before I get out there.
The decision is yours of course, Bi, but I'm just curious about why you want her to know it before you "get out there". Are you giving her a chance to reject you as a roommate before you get to be friends? Or is it important to you to get awkward things out in the open as soon as possible? Or maybe there's another reason.

My :2c: is that being bi is just one of many things about being Bi (that is, you), and it's not anything you have to reveal before she gets to know you better any more than one should have to reveal that one is left-handed, has freckles or can dance a polka. If, however, it's really important to you to come out to your future roomie ASAP for whatever reason, then you should.

Kind of bugs me, though, that no heterosexuals ever feel the need to come out to anyone . . . :p

[Kieron Andrew]

Kind of bugs me, though, that no heterosexuals ever feel the need to come out to anyone . . . :p
lol i do! Im a hetro male! hehe!! there ive said it! ive got it off my chest lol

[Andrea Nicole]

In Ann Arbor, the norm is not the standard.
So, tell her...

[bi_weird]

I just hate the idea of not being out in my own apartment. Like, it's supposed to be MY space, so it should be a space where I feel fine being who I am. We're sorta stuck with each other as roommates (we can technically apply for a swap, but there's no guarentees there) so it's not like she has a choice in living with me. I do feel like she has the right to know though. Oi I dunno. Maybe I'll just leave it because I have no idea how to do it. I'm so not excited about having to come out to a million people once again. So far there's one person who's going to be out there who knows I'm bi. And I was just getting comfortable here with almost everyone in my life knowing that, and most having some idea about my gender explorations. Coming out has always seemed like building this safe space of people who're cool with it, and now I have to start over. Ugh.

[Frankie-Dear]

Live with her for a while. Get a feel (no pun intended) for how uptight she is. The topic may come up in a later conversation, and you can see what her feelings in general are, before you decide to come out to her. This seems the most prudent course of action, and the one I would take, were I in your shoes. Good luck!

[Kimberley]

Okay maybe I am a bit forward here but why does she need to know your sexual orientation? Is it really relevant?

If she were to question you about gender or sexual orientation then you could talk about it but otherwise what is to be gained?

Just a few thoughts of questionable value.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Dasein9]

lol i do! Im a hetro male! hehe!! there ive said it! ive got it off my chest lol

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Don't worry, Kieron, we like you, even if you have chosen a strange, heterosexual lifestyle! ;)

- - - - - - -

Bi, I wouldn't suggest not being out in your own apartment at all! What I would suggest is actually meeting her first. Once y'all have moved in, talked about the main stuff, like which toothbrush will go where, and maybe gone out for a beer might just be a better time.

Oh, and get a look at her books. You can tell a lot about a person from her books. If she has the whole Left Behind series proudly displayed prominently on her shelf, then you'll know that she's probably pretty religious, and will be prepared for the discussion to go in that direction. If, on the other hand, she's got Stone Butch Blues and Rubyfruit Jungle on her shelves, then you'll know the conversation will probably go in a different direction entirely.

[CaptLex]

I just hate the idea of not being out in my own apartment. Like, it's supposed to be MY space, so it should be a space where I feel fine being who I am.
I think I understand what you're saying, and you should definitely be free to be yourself and not in the closet - same as everyone else. I was just wondering why you felt the need to share this info with your roomie before you got there. But if it's easier for you or you're more comfortable doing it this way, then do what you feel is best for you.

To answer Kimberley's question, if I may - although it's directed at you, and please feel free to answer it for yourself: Kim, you're right that one's sexual orientation is nobody's business, but usually if we don't tell people we're anything other than straight, people will assume that's what we are (the default orientation) and letting people assume that is the same as being in the closet, in my opinion. I, for one, don't want people assuming anything about me - not even who I'm attracted to. I hope that made sense.

[happyfish]

I sort of agree that you should wait until you know your room-mate a bit better before disclosing anything, but I can also see why you'd want to tell her right away. Um, so all I can really say is if it would make you feel more comfortable to come out right away than have to do it later, and maybe to have her assume that you're straight, then go for it. I don't know how you'd go about it exactly, though. So I don't know if I'm much help at all. >.>

[Cai]

My suggestion (and my plan for the fall) is to be out without explicitly telling people. I'm planning on telling my closest friends about being TS, and then dressing and acting the way I want. People can make their own assumptions, and if I'm questioned I'm not going to deny it, but I'm not going to go around to everyone and say "Hi, my name is Cai, I'm a biology major and I'm a transsexual."

Be you. Date who you want. Be out in whatever way you need to be in your apartment. But you don't need to say the words to her just yet, especially if you won't be bringing dates home right away.

[Kieron Andrew]

Cai, I'm a biology major and I'm a transsexual.".
Hi my names Kieron, im a lazy ass and a transsexual, please to meet you lol

[Kimberley]

To answer Kimberley's question, if I may - although it's directed at you, and please feel free to answer it for yourself: Kim, you're right that one's sexual orientation is nobody's business, but usually if we don't tell people we're anything other than straight, people will assume that's what we are (the default orientation) and letting people assume that is the same as being in the closet, in my opinion. I, for one, don't want people assuming anything about me - not even who I'm attracted to. I hope that made sense.
***************
Agreed that the assumption will be made but how is it really anyone's business; especially when the living arrangements are for the convenience of school. If it were to come down to overnight guests then I could see the need for disclosure. I wonder though about the being closeted thing. If one is hiding out of convenience to avoid social issues then I think your point is well made but I see a difference between nondisclosure and being closeted. Again, just my perspective twisted or not.

I like Das' suggestion about the reading materials though. Just be careful if it is a box set of Superman comics.... (I have another really bad comment but it would tick Joy off.)

:hugs:
Kimberley

[bi_weird]

Agreed that the assumption will be made but how is it really anyone's business; especially when the living arrangements are for the convenience of school. If it were to come down to overnight guests then I could see the need for disclosure. I wonder though about the being closeted thing. If one is hiding out of convenience to avoid social issues then I think your point is well made but I see a difference between nondisclosure and being closeted. Again, just my perspective twisted or not.

For me, it's that I hate being taken for something I'm not. I don't feel like I connect with anyone anymore unless I'm out to them as bi, and it's getting to where I need to be officially out as trans (as opposed to 'unofficially out' which involves wearing guys clothes and letting people draw their own conclusions). I don't feel comfortable sharing anything real about myself, and I don't feel like spending too much time around people I'm not out to. It's like wearing a mask; I don't do that anymore. I wasted too much time being closeted to myself, so I'm done with that now.

[caderemington]

I sympathize with you. I didn't tell my last roommate about being lesbian until over a month into the school year. We never really got along, we just coexisted until March, when I couldnt take it anymore. I knew that sooner or later she would find out about me being tg, and I didn't want to be around when that happened. So I ended up moving out. Hopefully it will be a completely different story for you. I wish you luck. :happy:

[Taylor105]

lol i do! Im a hetro male! hehe!! there ive said it! ive got it off my chest lol


LOL Kieron. Same here. I'm a hetero male and you have given me the courage to get it off my chest too!! :)