Drawing a line.

[azure]

I doubt if posting this really makes much difference, but I have been a part of this forum for some time, and sharing my recent decision with you is somthing I need to do to wrap things up properly.
I was in the process of transitioning up until about a day ago when I
was hit with a sudden realisation. Im 45 and found myself assessing the foundations(or lack of) that I had put in place for my transiton, and for later life. I discovered that I had not financially provided effectivley(but I had talked myself into thinking that everything "would fall into place") I realised that saving up enough money to but a new place to live, to fund the necessary operations, to become a credible and passable female was beyond my abilty in the time frame I had set, and that to do so later in life would be stupid and would place myself
in too greater danger. I have no support system of friends, and no partner, and I feel that I do not have that inner bombproof strength, or self sufficiency that one requires to see oneself through such a trial. Also the effect on my family and those I know around me would be too destructive, and they dont deserve that kind of treatment.
I really have given this my best attempt, I lived in role for 8 years, and ended that attempt when live became intorerable, I restarted this transiton a year ago and I feel strongly after siginificant meditation and thought that I cannot
continue. I know that these feelings will never go away, and today I have been very depressed and felt that I have no reason to carry on. I didnt think Id feel this way, maybe it'll pass, and that this is a natural process my mind has to go through in order to reallign myself to living in the male role for the rest of my life.
I will not be coming back to this forum, I need to make peace with azure, and agree that she must go away for good. I have lost so many friends, and I have experienced some nice things, but mostly fear and lonliness, and I need to put a stop to things before I leave my life in irreversable ruins, it probably already is. I know that I would not wish this upon anyone.

I am grateful for the girls on here who have been so kind to me. Thankyou.

[Holly]

Azure, I am so sorry that you are feeling so down right now. I won't presume to say you are right or wrong in how you are feeling. All I would suggest is that you give yourself a few days before making a permanent decision. Experiencing highs and lows is not at all unusual but making important decisions when emotionally charged is not wise. For what it is worth, I can emphasize with you. I did not come to terms with my gender issues until well into my mid 50's... much to late to make many decisions without hurting too many people I deeply care for. Instead, I choose to develop as fully as possible the feminine within while providing the masculine for those I love. Sometimes it's a tough balancing act but, for me, it's worth the effort. Best wishes to you.

[Sharon]

Only you can decide what is best for you, and it would be presumptive for anyone to try to get you to change your mind. But I have to agree with Holly -- don't close any doors -- not now.

It is understandable that you are depressed today, Azure, and it wasn't necessary for you to write that you are -- it's obvious. Give yourself time to consider all options, and be prepared for options that have not yet presented themselves to you. You see, I too often find myself feeling pessimistic and full of doubts about many facets of my life, and this leads to bouts of depression just as has happened to you. But then it always occurs to me that things have a way of working out, even though we may get beat up on the way.

Step back for awhile -- a couple days, a couple weeks, or whatever it takes -- and reassess your life and your options when you aren't so emotional. Making life altering decisions when you are feeling an extreme of emotions is a terrible time to do so. You need to calm down and look at things as rationally as possible.

If you want an ear, give me a buzz on Yahoo IM sometime, or write me a private message or e-mail(found on my profile page).

And all the best for you. :hugs:

[Felix]

Hi Hun I feel for you right now and have to agree with the others that you shouldn't close doors but maybe just take a step back and look at things again when ya a bit more settled. I can understand where ya coming from in terms of family and such like. We are always here for ya to talk to so pop in anytime and sound off that's what we are here for. Don't feel you are alone in this, I'm sure many of us here have had similar feeling at one time or another. Look after yourself Hun and I hope ya find some peace for yourself Azure :hugs::hugs::hugs: xx Felix

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Azure,

I know I emailed you, but I'm posting this for both you and the benefit of anyone else.

Jan 11 1998, I posted the following to the the alt.support.crossdressing newsgroup on Usenet:


Donna doesn't live here anymore. (http://groups.google.com/group/alt.fashion.crossdressing/browse_thread/thread/46f4eb53d99815b8/c80829ec18624a8e)

Friday night/Saturday morning at 1:30am, my wife woke me up about a dream she just had. In it, I was no longer the husband she married and her live was a wreck; a common theme. As we talked, it became clear to me that this deluded idea I have about living a peaceful coexistance with myself is just that, a delusion. My wife says that I'll just keep pushing what I can get away with: pants, shirts, shoes... She's right! I want to wear and be what I want, when I want. Yea, right.

She has stated that she doesn't want to have to keep checking that I am dressed in an 'acceptable' manner. She says that I can do my thing when the kids aren't around, or socially once a week or so. Fact: with a new child, the kids will *always* be around. And as for a weekly outing; I get home to the suburbs at about 6:30pm. Where the hell am I going to go and for how long at that point. It's a nice idea, buy I know better.

Saturday morning, we (my wife, daughter and I) went to Westchester to visit some friends. I cried the entire trip there. I've said it before, self realization is a painful thing. It became clear what I must do.

Relativity states the two objects can not exist in the same space at the same point in time. I now know this to be all too true.

I made a commitment to my wife and kids; a contract, if you will. Terms didn't allow a provision for this.

What I want and what I can have are mutually exclusive. I have but one choice:

I'm sending Donna away.

Donna is like a plant, in need of light, caring and attention. Four years ago, she was shut away, but with just enough light and attention that she survived. I shan't make the same mistake again. This time, with the proper space in which to shut her in, the darkest and most isolated I can find, she'll finally whither and die.

I'm starting the painful process of yet again deconstructing myself and building a more 'socially acceptable' one. With a little luck, I'll make it to see my kids get married.

My web site will remain up. People out there seem to get something from it, and as I've paid for the domain name and such. What's one more site eating up bandwidth?

To all who have been supportive of me: A most heart felt thank you.

To all whom I have helped: I'm glad to have had a positive effect on your lives.

To all who have found the balance in their lives to be themselves: You are truly blessed.

To all those who are struggling with who they are: May you find the peace and happiness which you deserve.

To all the SO out there: Don't give up on us. We really are good people and worth the effort.

Thanks for everything,
Gary (Donna doesn't live here anymore...)

Ok, it's a bit melodramatic (I was and still am a bit of a drama-queen) - but the emotions expressed and the sense of defeat I felt were quite genuine: I saw no other option. A good night's sleep and some '2x4 across the head' logic from friends helped to point out the fallacies in my reasoning.

I didn't transition - it wound up that I didn't really need transition as a way to be happy. However, none of this got buried or killed off. It took me time, but I did find a workable solution.

My point (yes, there is one) is that we know, absolutely, that this will not go away. You can try and deny it, fight it, wish it into the cornfield and whatnot... You can try - but you know that will have to address this... one way or another.

As I said in my email, you have friends and support - all you need to do is reach out. When I was dealing with all of this, I had literally no one in 3D for support - I didn't know any other 'transpeople': the online community was my only support and there were two or three people who really made a difference for me. I suspect that you have a few such people you know as well.


Be well and be strong Azure, and don't be afraid to lean on us 'cause some of us have been there before - and we recognize the terrain... We just might be able to help you keep your footing.

Warm regards,
Donna

[GypsyKaren]

I am deeply saddened to hear this Azure, I wish there was a way I could make things better for you so that you wouldn't leave. I used to be on the same road as you, but I kept at it and finally found peace and happiness. I know how hard it is, but you never know what's around that next bend, it could be the end of the rainbow.

Karen Starlene

[Joanne f]

Hi Azure,
I know that i do not know you as a person but i can sympathy with you and i am sure that there are a lot more who go throu a similar thing and it helps to keep things in perspective when they have the courage to share it with others.
It can only help when some one stops and thinks things throu and realise that the journey is to difficult to make no matter how much they want it and it will help others to cope in similar circumstances if they know that there is some one else who is going throu or been throu it so i think i would be very good for you and very helpful for some of us if you would stay on here but as i say i do not know you so i will respect your decision on that .

Joanne f

[Maggie Kay]

Azure,
I can relate to the massive frustration that comes with TG/TS. I all to often come to a similar point. Today, in fact. I'll put my male clothes on again and even start the process of getting a male hair cut. I'll just quit. OH if this were true. I wonder how many of us wouldn't love to be just "normal" in this respect for a change. Not having to fight all the stereotypes and being able to freely wear clothes that NO ONE makes any b***h about. If you can really turn this off and get free from the drive to change gender, PLEASE let us know how you did it. I haven't seen anyone here come back and say "I made it". If you do make it and you don't tell us that it is possible, it is unfair to all those who helped you. I wish you all the best in this. Take care and thank you for all the help that you have done here.

[azure]

I am very grateful to everyone who has replied here and to me by PM, thankyou for your kindness and support.
I have been over this a billion times, rationalising, deconstructing, arguing, and conselling myself, and I know for a fact that these feelings will never go away, I will and have always been transgendered. I have reached the point where time is up, it is "go, no go for launch" and I am replying "no go" on grounds that I am too old, I have little or no foundations in place, I am not approaching this practically and therefore to proceeding any further will be damaging and self destructive. Issue that I cite in my approach to this decision are a gross lack of funds, debts I already am unable to cope with, my age in that if I had continued my transition at 30 then with the correct amount of planning, proceeding would have been a good thing.
I dont really know how to live now, life as a male is alien to me, fullfilling that role, and all the associated behaviours and atributions that society places upon you as "a man". The very idea leaves me numb. Without becoming the person I am meant to be, I have no purpose, maybe finding a purpose will help take my mind of things.

This has to end, but I know it wont, the revulsion will never go away, the feelings of worthlessness when I see other women, and want to scream out"I am not a vile little male, I am a woman, the same as you" .

I just dont want to end up alone in some god forsaken flat, being ridiculed by everyone around me, living on the edge of society. Sometimes I think being transgendered is an illness, and that I wish I could get "treatment", though I know very well that this is a maladaptive method of avoidance. Being transgendered is the product if physical differences in brain areas governing gender and self recognition. It is society that should change, and be taught to understand being transgendered is a natural process, and that this "third gender" is not somthing to shun or demonise.

Im going now, please take care of yourselves, stay safe, and may life grant you that happiness you deserve.

Thankyou for your help and love.

azure.

[Stlalice]

I wish there was a magic wand I could wave to make your problems go away. But neither I nor anyone in this world can do that. In so many ways I'm in the same boat as you - struggling to pay off debt and trying to put something aside for my retirement and transition. Don't know yet if my health will let me start HRT or have SRS - but I've already decided that I'll go as far as I can hormones and surgery or not. While the possibility of living as a non op transwoman isn't my first choice its a damn sight better than not doing so at all. Face it Azure - a great many Trans women end up not getting SRS for reasons of health or finance. And you know something? There is no shame in being a non op!!! Your surgical status does not make you any less valid as a woman or a human being than than any other woman trans or not. Better to be at peace in your own skin than live your remaining years sad and bitter, wishing you had the courage to live as you see yourself. I'll paraphrase the words of my favorite philosopher Henry David Thoreau here in closing. If one advances confidently in the direction of their dreams they will meet with success beyond their imagination. Our biggest regrets in life are for those things we had not the courage to do. I refuse to go to my rest regretting that I never took the time and the chance to live and be at peace with my self. Hang in there girl and PM me if you need to talk, :hugs: