Newbie (told the wife)

[Katie Moore]

Such a great forum. Have been playing with makeup and such the last six months and decided to tell my wife. It was nerve racking and scary but I dec ided that I needed to keep our relationship as open as possible. She is a wonderful woman who I think is open to it but very worried about others finding out. I think sher needs a little more time to digest this. Last night on ebay I put some VS hiphuggers on my watch list and she pretty much freaked saying that this was for women. She's been ok with mens silk briefs, tinted moisturizers and a little freaked about my shaving my legs and chest. She's also ok with clear mascara. I'm thinking I should just cool things for awhile and let her catch up. But I really really really like those hiphuggers. Got any advice for a newbie?


Wishful

[Karren H]

Yes... Go slowly.. At her pace not yours... Otherwise the closet door will swing back and smack you in the face...

Sounds like she's ok with feminized mens products because they are designed and produced for men but doesn't sound like she is a big fan of crossdressing at all which will be a problem going forward I fear.....

Karren

[Tree GG]

I'm assuming you didn't discuss with her the hiphuggers before you put on watch list.

I hate it when the gurls out here say they "ask for permission". I never have nor ever will want him to ask me for permission to do anything. Inform, ask my opinion or if I have an objection, and state his intentions - yes. But "Honey can I?" is a place I don't want to go.

Back to you - IMO, she will respond much more calmly and w/ less knee-jerk fear if you discuss your intended purchases in advance. Something like, "I saw these _______ and I'd really like to add to my collection, so I'm considering this purchase." Unfortunately, even though most CD's have really only hidden the fact that they're CDs, we SOs figure if you're hiding that, what else is being hid? The least little surprise surfaces all kinds of fears and doubts and the initial response is negative, even when the surprise is minimal.

If she sees you being almost ridiculously open with the most miniscule details of your TG activities, it will eventually relieve her fears of the "unknown" and she will probably - and usually very quickly from my observations - get to the place of "whatever". If there are no other issues ($$, over-indulgence, etc), she will give it no more importance than buying a new lawn mower.

Just my :2c:

[JulieC]

Echo Karren. Go slow. Stay open, keep communication up, and go slow.

[aka.laura]

Saim ting... really, in my humble opinion things don't look bad ;o) but go easy! Think months, not days! And above all, stay honoust!

[Karren H]

If she sees you being almost ridiculously open with the most miniscule details of your TG activities, it will eventually relieve her fears of the "unknown" and she will probably - and usually very quickly from my observations - get to the place of "whatever". If there are no other issues ($$, over-indulgence, etc), she will give it no more importance than buying a new lawn mower.

Just my :2c:

Ahhhhhh Depends on if she's the one that mows the lawn or not?? lol

Karren

[Tree GG]

:lol2: You're right. Beings as I mow the lawn (by choice, I like it) I would probably be annoyed if he purchased a new mower without my input. I like my antique riding mower just fine.......

!!!!! I really need to examine these fear of change issues.....:devil:

[Mitch23]

I'm assuming you didn't discuss with her the hiphuggers before you put on watch list.

I hate it when the gurls out here say they "ask for permission". I never have nor ever will want him to ask me for permission to do anything. Inform, ask my opinion or if I have an objection, and state his intentions - yes. But "Honey can I?" is a place I don't want to go.

Back to you - IMO, she will respond much more calmly and w/ less knee-jerk fear if you discuss your intended purchases in advance. Something like, "I saw these _______ and I'd really like to add to my collection, so I'm considering this purchase." Unfortunately, even though most CD's have really only hidden the fact that they're CDs, we SOs figure if you're hiding that, what else is being hid? The least little surprise surfaces all kinds of fears and doubts and the initial response is negative, even when the surprise is minimal.

If she sees you being almost ridiculously open with the most miniscule details of your TG activities, it will eventually relieve her fears of the "unknown" and she will probably - and usually very quickly from my observations - get to the place of "whatever". If there are no other issues ($$, over-indulgence, etc), she will give it no more importance than buying a new lawn mower.

Just my :2c:
Thanks for that advice Tree, It's interesting to hear the point of view of a GG and learn from it as its often not the way we think you'll think (if you see what I mean!)

Mitch

[Lovely Rita]

Patience is a wonderful virtue under these circumstances. I wish you the best.

[Di]

Advice for a newbie?


Be honest...no lies...no mind games. You want her to trust you........go at her pace ( like the others have said). Maybe shop together online for stuff... involve her...and get her some things too. And maybe invite her to this site.....we have an awesome GG section.

[SandyR]

For several months after mine found out I would never bring it up unless she did first. At first she hated the shaved leg thing, but was ok with the rest, now she buys me razors and we are both talking about laser hair removal.

Good luck, but really best things is to go at her pace, having a closet door hit is a baddddddddd, thing.

Hugs.

Sandy

[Michelle 51]

Throw me in with the other girls. Go slow.Its been two months for me and i'm still taking baby steps justabit

[Bridget Fitzgerald]

Speaking from experience if you recloset its harder re-coming out. Go sssllloooowwwwww

[Sheila]

You have had great advice here ..... so all I can do is wish you the very best on your journey ... hopefully together and if your wife is nor alreadya member here she might like to join and after her initial 10 posts apply to join our great GG section

:hugs:

[Sheri 4242]

Yes... Go slowly.. At her pace not yours... Otherwise the closet door will swing back and smack you in the face.


Be honest...no lies...no mind games. You want her to trust you........go at her pace ( like the others have said) . . . involve her...and get her some things too. And maybe invite her to this site.....we have an awesome GG section.

Karren is so right about pace. It could be that your SO has hundreds of questions in her mind -- many times when an SO first finds out they want to know (then be reassured) that you aren't gay or that you don't want to transition (SRS). This can be scarey to an SO!!! Often they know little to nothing about mtf heterosexual crossdressing.

As Di GG so wisely said, now you are in the position where lies and deception can only hurt you: it is time for honesty, clarity, education, edification, and affirmation of trust!


. . . if your wife is not already a member here she might like to join and after her initial 10 posts apply to join our great GG section

Di GG, JessSO, and others have suggested you get her to this website and I agree without question. There are some websites where CDing is supposed to be discussed (by our SO's) in a manner that is hopeful, and that is aimed at understanding, tolerance-to-acceptance, and support -- yet these other websites are "bashers" - run by some bitter GGs. Ask my wife about one of these -- it made my wife so angry. BUT, this site is NOT like that!!! The SO's/GG's here are, in part, well-educated regarding CDing, and, in part, are ones who are earnestly searching to understand, learn, and accept.

Perhaps getting her to this website -- and letting her read uninhibited and without you hovering around -- can be the springboard to some meaningful heart-to-heart talks!

[Deanna2]

Funny thing! About the only thing my wife is concerned for is that other people will find out.

[crimsoncage GG]

Definately take it slow with her but don't let her think it's a phase. I hope you are trying to educate her some. It is unnerving to find out something like this from someone you thought you knew. She is probably having trouble trusting you too. I think maybe showing her this website so she knows she is not alone would be a great help.

[Dixie]

Ditto, GO SLOW!:D

[Katie Moore]

All good advice. My SO is making little jokes about it now so I think slow and easy is the way. I would really like her help. Although I'm a little scared of the day when I do dress and show her.

[Carin's Wife GG]

it really does go a long way with us GGs. It can be overwhelming at times (for both in the relationship) but really worth it IMO.


Louise.

[rata]

Be honest and introduce new, things to her slowly & talk about it before you shoe her new things.

[Katie Moore]

Today we were talking on the phone and I asked her if she deleted one of my items on ebay that I was watching. She said no which one? I said you know the one from VS. She said oh no that expired while I was out of town and she simply removed it. I told her that I really wanted to try them (panties) because the men's silk briefs I had didn't fit right and weren't made very well (china of course). Anyway she thought that was correct cause she washes them but she thought it was wierd I wanted the VS's. I said I still wanted to try them and that Iwas trying to keep the communication open and honest. I then shut up. Finally after an eternity (really about 7.99876 seconds) she says "honey if you want them I don't have a problem with that."

WHOA BABY!!!

Guesswhat I bought today?:heehee::heehee::heehee:

I'm not asking for anything till next week......

[Katie Moore]

Well, it's been a little over three weeks now and I got my hiphugger panties from VS and I am wearing them now everyday. I'm shaving my legs and chest regularly and using an ungodly amount of her moisturizers which btw smell heavenly.My wife is ever so slowly coming round but I am an impatient person. Last night I got really bold and put on some of her purple eyeshadow and some of my brown eyeliner and a clear mascara with some BB's watermelon lip gloss. So then I made my way out back to the deck so we could play some cards together. She did a double take and said pink lipstick doesn't look good on me. I asked to pick a color for me and she said clear. I said I want some color on my lips and then she she I looked too feminime....OMG that's what I want!!!!!!!! So that's what I told her and again we talked and I told her how I was opening my soul to her and to help me. I asked what her greatest fear was and she replied that someone would find out and ruin my career. I told her I would be very careful and not take it out of the house. So.........

Slowly it goes but I really want some clothes, some shoes, more makeup and I really really really want to do my toenails,an and and and and


Sign me,

:love:Wishful:love:

[Valerie]

But there is a real world our there, more friendly that we fear, but more dangerous and complex than we may want to believe. Do listen to your wife! She sounds like a most reasonable person. From earlier wise posts by Tree and Carin's wife I have learned to see this situation from the point of view of my wife (or somewhat). She is unbelievably supportive, but I realize I make life somewhat complicated (even if fun).
With best wishes,
Valerie

[Dixie Darling]

Wishful

From your posts it’s obvious that your wife knows how to use a PC to get around on the internet. With this in mind, let me suggest that you ask her to have a look at my website. It’s a clean site so neither of you would find anything of an embarrassing nature there – just some down to earth information about crossdressing that you BOTH might be able to use.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

When I finally told my wife after 18 years of marriage I made the mistake of saying it was only an on again off again thing and it did not mean that much to me. I should have told her as much as I have since rather than giving her a little bit at a time. That's just my take on it, I'd say let her know that you love her and always will and that you are not looking elsewhere but you really have this in you and need to explore it further. Knowledge has been the differance in my wifes acceptance/tolerance. She knows how much I love her and can live with the clothes, remember what they say, "the clothes do not make the man" or the woman for that matter!