Telling Others about CDing

[sobe1ove GG]

I was wondering what everyone (and I mean everyone, you FTMs) thinks about the act of telling people about the CDing.

Let's take some scenarios:

- If you, as a CDer, want to keep it to yourself, but your SO wants to tell people, what do you do? Do you ask her to only tell certain people and spare others?

- Do you feel that you should be able to tell anyone without asking your significant other?

- If you are in a relationship, and one person wants to tell everyone and the other doesn't want anyone to know, how do you handle this? How do you compromise?

- As a CDer who wants to tell everyone, do you consult your wife/girlfriend? If she doesn't want you to tell everyone, do you oblige?

- What about work? Should work be offlimits? If your SO doesn't want you, as the CDer, to tell your work for fear of getting fired, do you oblige?

- Should the choice of telling others be a group decision between the both of you?

- If you disagree about who should know, how do you handle it?

- As CDers, do you feel an urge to tell the world? If your SO doesn't want you to, do you feel stifled or that you are hiding your true self or lieing?


I know that was a lot of questions. You don't have to answer them all. I'd just like to know how telling others, like coworkers or friends, or new random people on the street, affects you and your relationship.

Sobe

[Tree GG]

- Do you feel that you should be able to tell anyone without asking your significant other?

- Should the choice of telling others be a group decision between the both of you?



I'd say these 2 are pretty much to ultimate goal, but we're not there yet. IMO, the perfect scenario is that all the people we interact with would be aware that Darlene is just as likely to be out as not and would not react any differently than when D was about. That way it matters not who does or doesn't "find out".

I wonder if having that utopian scenario would be as wonderful for him/us as expected? You never know.........

[Di]

Decision should be made between the couple. Neither has the right I feel to disrespect the other others wishes on this.If there is a disagreement between the couple...it needs worked out between the couple.

[Marla S]

The questions boil down to:

If I have to hide it, it is degrading.
If I don't hide it, I most likely become degraded.

So, yes in principle everybody can know, but it is not necessarily a wise decision. Hence in a relationship one would have to balance risks and chances, depending on the specific circumstances of life.

But in general as open as possible ... that's simply a question of human dignity.

[sobe1ove GG]

Do you think, if the couple can't agree on the telling of others, that that is an acceptable deal breaker that ends the relationship?

[Kate Simmons]

That Sobe is a decision only the couple involved can make.:happy:

[Marla S]

Do you think, if the couple can't agree on the telling of others, that that is an acceptable deal breaker that ends the relationship?

Assuming CDing is the expression of a part of ones personality, of the self respectively (I believe it is), yes, not being able to agree on the way to deal with it can and probably will end the relationship on the long run.
One is able to bite the bullet one time, two times, three times but not continuously (that holds true for the SO and the CD).

BUT: I think it is not only the responibility of an SO to agree on it, but to a good part the repsonisbility of the CD to find a way that can be acceptable for both. That requires that both are open minded.
But what do I know ... How can CDing be integrated in a "normal" relationship ? I just don't have an idea there. Sometimes it seems to work though.
I should leave the answer to that question to those who succeed.

[Karren H]

Agree that the couples must agree..... Bur if they can't agree on telling, then you maintain the current conservative status quo.. And don't tell anyone.... Not a deal breaker that would end a relationship umless the one that wants to tell sees it that way...


Karren

[joann07]

I've never been married or been in a relationship so I do have some freedoms. However, it would be difficult for me to tell my family, especially my folks since they come from a very old world conservative upbringing.
A lot of my relatives are the same although I think my cousins might be ok with it.

I remember a short conversation I had with an aunt sometime last year. We were eating dinner and somehow we got into the subject of a man wearing a dress. She chuckled said that if she found out that I wore a dress, that she would disown me. She may have sounded like she was joking, but thats a risk I don't want to take.

I've only told two friends, a childhood friend (who's gay) and a GG (long time friend from college), and I selectively chose them because of my gut feeling.
And you know what, I was right. They were very accepting and supportive. I felt that I owed it to my male friend, since he came out a few years ago, and he's been totally cool about it. I'm hoping that I can visit him, one day, and ask him to volunteer to take me out on a date. We'll see.
As for my GG friend, not only did I choose her because I knew she would be accepting, but also because she always wears really nice dresses and outfits. I thought she would be a great fashion consultant, and what a great asset she has been. She has given me all kinds of tips which has helped improve my appearance, especially my makeup, as you can see in my avatar and profile photo.

[KimberlyS]

Sobe, I almost did not read this post, because my wife and I have agreed that it would be best to tell no one. Ok, done deal right. But I began thinking, NO we have told others. Yes there are parts of me that want to put on a nice skirt, blouse and pumps and go and tell everyone that I am a guy that like feminine clothes. But the reality we live in a small conservative, very clicky town. Life would be hell for my wife and kids. My parents, yea right would go over like lead ballons. And my brother gave me a huge ear full just over the earrings. So for lack of a better word I am realistic and agree telling no one is the best and my wife agreed even more so. That said, she has told 2 of her friends, one of her brothers, a sister-in-law and her mom. So considering she was even stronger about not telling others than me, I am behind on the telling others. I must add tho that she had good reasons for telling them at the time. I just did not find out until after the fact and for her friends way way after the fact they were told.

We also have told two other couples that we know that we had close relationships with. Neither of those couples understood and we have drifted apart.

The others that know are within the CD/TG community.

[Leah B]

The couple should definitely agree on who should be told, it's the means of finding agreement that complicates matters. If the CD wants to tell and the SO doesn't, there's a disagreement. "Status quo" isn't a consensus decision.

Being considerate goes a long way here. Personally, I'd like to tell the world, but wouldn't in many cases for the usual reasons, and wouldn't talk in many more cases because Sobe doesn't want me to. This sucks, because especially beuing currently unable to go out, I feel like my options for outlet are limited (BTW, there are plenty of folk I can tell, but not necessarily TALK to about in ways that matter to me). On the other hand, putting her through misery because I might want to gab isn't right either.

There are no easy answers here I suppose. Like so many other CD-things (and so many non CD-related ones), either option (tell or don't) sucks in some way.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Outting is a joint decision in my opinion. One my ex violated big time before and after the separation (not that I really cared after the first couple knew from her....out is out). Funny thing is she kept saying she wanted it to stay quiet for her benefit, then ran out and told more people. Go figure.

I agree with Karren....if the 2 can't agree then the more private side wins by default. I don't see disagreement as a dealbreaker, but to some any excuse I guess is better than none.


Emily Ann

[Angie G]

I'm out only to my wife and keeping it that way ad my wife won't tell :hugs:
Angie

[sandra-leigh]

When my wife asked (after finding a stash) and I answered, I told her about the meetings I go to, and she didn't mind. We didn't talk about telling people or not telling people, and she didn't ask me to keep it a secret or anything like that -- she was just concerned about me being careful when I go out so that I don't get "bullied". We didn't talk about Who Knows (possibly she asked whether I told my family; I don't remember for sure), or about Who Should Not Know.

I've been pretty open with SAs right from the beginning. Some of the people associated with the club know my first name (they held some parcels for me); at the clubs I sometimes go to, some people know I dress and know my first name, with some knowing my femme name as well. Very few people who know where I work know that I dress; the people who held the parcel for me could research and find my work but they are deeply involved in the club and wouldn't do that unless they had a very good reason (e.g., urgent need to contact me.)

A couple of weeks ago, when an ex-co-worker and long-time friend was back in town for the first time in over a decade, I went noticably trans-gendered (e.g., wearing skirt) to have dinner with her. As I already "knew" would be the case, she was very accepting; she's the first "old friend" that I've "come out to". But I didn't even think about consulting with my wife about outing myself to my friend.

But then my wife still has supper from time to time with her ex-partner, who still (a dozen years later) tries to convince her that she made a mistake by breaking up with him (even after he already had found a new partner, he was still trying to convince her to go back to him.) She would never think about asking me for permission to see her old friends, doesn't expect me to ask for permission to see my old friends. We trust each other's discretion.

[marie354]

It should be a joint decision, but I don't think that it has to be all the time.

I made the decision to tell my two brothers and Regina was there beside me when I did.
She didn't want me to tell any of her kids and I agreed with that until we broke up, and then I told one of her daughters.
Her problem was, as I'm sure it is with a lot of us, is how to bring it up in conversation in a favorable light.
Her other daughter asked her why I sat and stood like a girl, and she explained it to her then.
Now it's just her 2 boys and her older daughter's husband that have to be let in on it and then everyone on both sides of the family will know.

It takes time though, and you have to be patient so the timing is right.
:hugs:

[angelfire]

Well, I've never been in a relationship that lasted long enough for it to come out, but if I were to be in a relationship, and I was out of the closet, there are certain groups I would want to know, and other groups I would not want to know. Co-workers would be out. I would not want it affecting my work. Close friends who I think would be accepting or my SO would think would be accepting would be people I wouldn't mind knowing. I woudn't want anyone and everyone to know though.

And I almost came out to a friend today. It was on the tip of my tongue, but I decided against it.

[battybattybats]

- If you, as a CDer, want to keep it to yourself, but your SO wants to tell people, what do you do? Do you ask her to only tell certain people and spare others?

You have the right to privacy! You can ask her to tell no-one but preists,doctors and others legally bound to respecting privacy.


- Do you feel that you should be able to tell anyone without asking your significant other?

Not anyone, as if in doing so you significantly impact her relationships with her family or friends.. unless you are coming out totally, but even then you should give her advance warning.


- If you are in a relationship, and one person wants to tell everyone and the other doesn't want anyone to know, how do you handle this? How do you compromise?

Well a fair compromise could go along the lines of: Each decides who of their own family and friends are told, mutual friends should be mutually agreed on. No obvious blabber mouths.


- As a CDer who wants to tell everyone, do you consult your wife/girlfriend? If she doesn't want you to tell everyone, do you oblige?
I've only told some of my own family members and very dear long term friends. She has no right to a say in those relationships. After that I have to consider any impact telling others may have.


- What about work? Should work be offlimits? If your SO doesn't want you, as the CDer, to tell your work for fear of getting fired, do you oblige?

If the family depends on the income you should have a very good reason if you might act in a way that could cause financial hardship on the family. Still The SO doesn't have the right to keep the CD in the closet.. but the CD should give fair warning to the SO before going out. And by fair warning I mean enough time to move out if they choose not to live with an out CD.


- Should the choice of telling others be a group decision between the both of you?
As I said before, it depends on who is being told.


- If you disagree about who should know, how do you handle it?

Well if the person is a mutual friend etc it should require mutual consent. Without both consenting they shouldnm't be told. If the person is a friend or family member of the SO it should be up to them. If they are a friend or family of the CD it should be the CD's call. If the person is a gossip they shouldn't be told untill everyone's ready to come out.


- As CDers, do you feel an urge to tell the world? If your SO doesn't want you to, do you feel stifled or that you are hiding your true self or lieing?
Yes. Absolutely on both counts.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

When you are in a relationship that matters I believe it should always be a give and take and things that affect the relationship should always be agreed upon.
If it were just my decision I would be out to the world, but would never do it since it is also my wifes decision and she would not be pleased with it if I were out and about.

[Roberta Lynn]

I don't think someone in a relationship should tell anyone without the consent of their SO.
Telling someone always effects your SO to some degree. The decision should be mutual.
As far as being a 'deal breaker', that depends on the couple. If it does end the relationship it probably means the relationship was on the rocks to begin with. :2c:

[Chantelle CD]

- If you, as a CDer, want to keep it to yourself, but your SO wants to tell people, what do you do? Do you ask her to only tell certain people and spare others?

For me this would be a problem, not that i am ashamed of it, I'm not, i do not like how judgment feels, If she had to tell people as a way to accept it, i would try to quit, or keep it from her, either way the closet doors would now have a key that only i would have.


Do you feel that you should be able to tell anyone without asking your significant other?

Not at all!! you should communicate who you should tell, if anyone. Sure it seem like living a lie, or hiding, but that is a way of life, as long as judgment rules peoples minds. Judgment effects your standing with people, at work, friends, everyone, why submit yourself to being rejected when being a part of the whole is a key to happiness! As an SO i think he/she should respect the other, if there is conflict over this, it will spell trouble either way. The CD should respect the SO if he/she doesnt want to tell others, and again if there is conflict here, its because there is a real gender issue at hand, and that may equal a split up.


- If you are in a relationship, and one person wants to tell everyone and the other doesn't want anyone to know, how do you handle this? How do you compromise?

If the CD wants to tell everyone and the SO does not, i think there is a real gender issue at hand, to want to tell everyone you are basically saying to the world hey I'm a girl, accept it!! this is what i am!!! To keep it hidden for the CD would mean continue living a lie, and i dont think they can do this and be happy. If its the SO that want others to know, and the CD wants it to say hidden, i dont understand this one, i mean, why would you want to humiliate your partner??? they dont want to change, they dont feel that there a woman in heart, thats why its a big secret, its not accepted unless you are a woman in a mans body, and a CD isn't that, they just want to open up more of there feelings/emotions. People dont have to know about your emotions and feelings, other than a special someone.


- As a CDer who wants to tell everyone, do you consult your wife/girlfriend? If she doesn't want you to tell everyone, do you oblige?

Again there is a gender issue here, If he wants to tell everyone, he wants to become a she, or he just does not care if anyone knows, i dont understand this, if that is the case, why tell everyone? once that is out of the way, you can basically be 24/7 and what has happened you became a woman, like i said a gender issue here, but yes you should defenatly talk about it, if she doesnt want you to tell anyone and you do, there is a problem happening, and its a gender issue. i dont think you can oblige.


- What about work? Should work be offlimits? If your SO doesn't want you, as the CDer, to tell your work for fear of getting fired, do you oblige?

Gender issue, if he wants to tell his work, he defenatly wants to become a woman, cause a good portion of your day is at work, and if you want to go dressed at work, chances are he defenatly loves being a woman more than a man, and is changing as you speak.


- Should the choice of telling others be a group decision between the both of you?

Yes for sure


- If you disagree about who should know, how do you handle it?

If its a gender issue, you either accept him as a woman, or you dont, and if you cant, you need to leave, you cant hold it back from him changing, and have him happy. I'm trying to think hard about this, and being a CD myself that doesnt want to change at ALL, i cant see wanting to tell anyone, other than the SO, because she is the closest person to me, and we share the same living space. I only ever told other people as a way to try to understand it, and when i was fighting it inside of myself, now that i have totally accepted it with in me, i have absolutely no want to tell anyone. So how to handle it? Start by asking and talking, and finding out EXACTLY what they want for there gender.


- As CDers, do you feel an urge to tell the world? If your SO doesn't want you to, do you feel stifled or that you are hiding your true self or lieing?

I have no urge to tell the world what so ever. my SO doesnt want me to tell anyone either, and I'm just fine with that! Is it a lie... NO its not, i dont have to tell anyone what is inside of myself, only one that needs to know is me, and my SO if she wants to be closer to me. My true self? Is spirit, void of gender neither male or female, bound to this earth for experience, expression,and growth, to use the term "true self" to being a male or a female is limiting.

[Leah B]

Wanting to tell people isn't the same as wanting to be a woman. There are people I'd tell that I wouldn't want to be en femme around. Part of being "out" for me is about personal pride, part is about not having to pretend or hide who I am, and part of it is to be an example of a CD who isn't crazy or ridiculous (I guess, to advance the image of CDs).

[MJ]

this is difficult to answer it is not fair on the S.O she did not want this secret.. now she as to deal with lies and the hurt and the "shame " how can you ask her to out your self to the world as she is tied to you and you both that the heat and if kids are around they do too .. but i think it's all or nothing

[Chantelle CD]

Wanting to tell people isn't the same as wanting to be a woman. There are people I'd tell that I wouldn't want to be en femme around. Part of being "out" for me is about personal pride, part is about not having to pretend or hide who I am, and part of it is to be an example of a CD who isn't crazy or ridiculous (I guess, to advance the image of CDs).

I myself do not understand why a CD would want to tell others, if they were not interested in changeing there sex, or being femme 24/7. you say part of being out to you is about personal pride...pride in what? being femme? and you say that part is not haveing to pretend or hide who you are, What are you then? and who are you pretending not to be? Why tell someone you dont want to be enfemme around? To find out witch of your friends are judgmental so you can lose them as a friend? WHY??? How would telling everyone make you a CD that isnt crazy or rediculous? The negative reactions would MAKE you feel more crazy and rediculous!!! Even if they are wrong for judging. Why would a CD that loves bing a man, what to tell everyone that he likes to ware dresses??? if you say because you dont want to pretend or hide who you are, then i say gender issue here!! especialy if being a CD and passing is important to you, other wize, just dress at home, enjoy it, and keep it hidden, if you want to go out, and be accepted as a woman, what does that tell you??? your wanting to be one!!!!! If a man just loves to ware womans clothing, feel pretty, and lady like, at times, but is a man and love there idenity as a man, then he would not want to tell the world. This would degrade there maleness in my mind anyways, and increase there female power.

Im going to say this, and i dont care, who likes me or doesnt for it LoL, im just in one of those moods tonight :)

There are people that are male, and feel there more female <TG> and then there are people that are more male that like to express there female side.<CD> It is my beliefe that the CD <me included> obsess!!! in it, meaning we are addicted to it!! and that is why we cant quit it, this obsession will lead to wanting to be femme 24/7 if you dont get a handle on it. Yes the female body, and there expression, and emotions are beauitiful, but reality is, SO IS THE MALES!! just ask the CD and TG FTM's out there <right guys ;)> Your eather wanting to be femal or male, ask yourself, what is it going to be?? If you choose female, then you are going to start takeing steps towards this, and they are??? going out trying to pass as one, telling people you know, so you can be accepted as one, and becomeing one. If you say its just for kicks, to see if you can fool everyone, dont kid yourself, look deep at your emotions and feeling while getting this acceptance, what is it telling you??? most of you are saying in your posts, that you never felt more female. If i had 1/2 the guts as the TG's do, i would go for it, but i am way more male than i am female inside, mostly due to the fact, that i am a male. I will obsess, i admit it, and so what, i dont care, and i dont care if i die and the only one that ever knows it is myself and my SO. I got a taste of it eairly in my youth, seen there beauity so young, so..i obsessed then too!!! Crossdressing is an obsession, it will lead to wanting to become a female full time, especialy if you are depressed as a male. I cought it happening inside of myself for pete's sakes! The female feelings, emotions, movements, and clothing, is powerfull indeed, and it will pull you in, and even make you fantasize about being a woman, and haveing a man make love to you, that is how strong it is!! If you dont want to become a female, all i can say is ya better start remembering how to love being a male, or it will happen to you!!! if you are a female in a mans body, thats a different case all together, and your prolly on the road to changeing, and have accepted this, lost your SO to in most cases. But knowing myself, how this has made me feel inside of my self, the power femme has to transform someone is real.

[battybattybats]

Wanting to tell people isn't the same as wanting to be a woman. There are people I'd tell that I wouldn't want to be en femme around. Part of being "out" for me is about personal pride, part is about not having to pretend or hide who I am, and part of it is to be an example of a CD who isn't crazy or ridiculous (I guess, to advance the image of CDs).

I really understand and empathise with your view here. As I am proud of both my male and female sides, of being sometimes in between I totally get what you are saying.

Once you start to accept that there is nothing wrong with what you are it becomes hard to justify let alone feel good hiding it.

[Chantelle CD]

I really understand and empathise with your view here. As I am proud of both my male and female sides, of being sometimes in between I totally get what you are saying.

Once you start to accept that there is nothing wrong with what you are it becomes hard to justify let alone feel good hiding it.


When i first told my So about my cross dressing, one of the first questions she asked me is,," why do you have to get dressed up to feel femme, why cant you just feel this side of yourself without the cloths?" Fact is you can, the clothing just makes it all the stronger, The emotions are real, the feelings are real, the dressing is an obsession, what we are is the emotions, not the clothing!

[sandra-leigh]

I myself do not understand why a CD would want to tell others, if they were not interested in changeing there sex, or being femme 24/7. you say part of being out to you is about personal pride...pride in what? being femme? and you say that part is not haveing to pretend or hide who you are, What are you then? and who are you pretending not to be?

Your posting is predicated around the idea that one should appear to be publicly male or publicly female ("passing"), with no middle ground. As someone who is in the middle ground, there is not a lot of what you've said here that I agree with.

You define TG as "someone who is male and feel they are more female". Usually that's 'TS' (transexual), not 'TG'. 'TG' is usually someone who expresses a noticable mix of characteristics of what is traditionally considered "male" and what is traditionally considered "female". The aspects of personality that are in play may vary over fairly short periods of time.

For example, I could be in an automobile service center asserting my male side more strongly to avoid being taken advantage of, and a couple of children might run in, and in seconds I might temporarily switch to "mothering mode", "Oh honey, it's not nice to pull on someone's hair", smooth the kids down, and then turn back to the mechanic and continue on, "WTF do you mean by telling me that my carburator gasket is worn out? Hello?? Did you even -look- under the hood? This is an electric car; it doesn't even have a carburator!" (Purely an example story, as I don't drive and I'm not good with kids.)

But as a TG, if on one day I feel like wearing a skirt out grocery shopping, then I go ahead and wear a skirt out grocery shopping. So what? It's about being myself, a fluidic mix, instead of having to rigidly conform to old-fashioned expectations of "what a man is" or "what a woman is". Saying "this would degrade their maleness" is to have a false view of how people must act. You said, "Your eather wanting to be femal or male", and that's wrong: I'm wanting to be me, and "me" isn't pigeon-hole-able as clearly male or clearly female.

Going TG is about integrating yourself into a whole, not about having to think about how you "need" to react by first remembering whether you have your wig on or not.

The corner grocer -- they didn't care last week that I had quite noticable nail-polish on. They weren't concerned about my appearance, they were concerned about my (temporary) health difficulties. They were concerned about the person (me), not about the clothes.

Interestingly, I don't seem to have encountered anyone yet who was surprised that I crossdress. Not in the "Oh, you've always looked effeminate" sense (which isn't the case): more like people take me as "moving to the beat of a different drummer" (doing as I think is best, rather than what society expects.) If I ever get around to telling my sister, I think she'll be surprised for about 12 seconds and then adjust and say, "Oh yeah, I can believe that about you!".

Why tell people I might never dress in front of? One of my good friends back home, I don't know if I'll ever do anything with him while I'm in dress and wig (but me in a denim skirt and women's top and no wig seems plausible). He'd want to know because he knows I've gone through some rough times, a lot of time with a really bad work/life imbalance and depression; he's concerned about me, and he'd be pleased to hear that I'm settling in to a more complete life.

Some of my Old Friends I know wouldn't mind or would be interested to hear that I'm not as boring as they thought I was. One of them I'm pretty sure would not understand. That fellow and I aren't really what you would call "close", but in a way he needs me, the guy me, not the TG me. But he's surprised me before.

[battybattybats]

When i first told my So about my cross dressing, one of the first questions she asked me is,," why do you have to get dressed up to feel femme, why cant you just feel this side of yourself without the cloths?" Fact is you can, the clothing just makes it all the stronger, The emotions are real, the feelings are real, the dressing is an obsession, what we are is the emotions, not the clothing!

I agree with much of what you say here, and Tess-Leigh's comments too.
The bit i disagree with is

the dressing is an obsession,

Not for me it's not. It is the objectified and tangible series of sensations that maximises the feelings. Like the scent and the sound of dry leaves in autumn as they crunch underfoot is part of the emotions of nostalgia and happiness that accompanies autumn for me. It is not the case that the mind and emotions are divorced from the body... they are profoundly interconnected. So my dressing is not an obsession, it is part of the experience which includes my emotions.

[Stephenie S]

I was wondering what everyone (and I mean everyone, you FTMs) thinks about the act of telling people about the CDing.

Let's take some scenarios:

- If you, as a CDer, want to keep it to yourself, but your SO wants to tell people, what do you do? Do you ask her to only tell certain people and spare others?

- Do you feel that you should be able to tell anyone without asking your significant other?

- If you are in a relationship, and one person wants to tell everyone and the other doesn't want anyone to know, how do you handle this? How do you compromise?

- As a CDer who wants to tell everyone, do you consult your wife/girlfriend? If she doesn't want you to tell everyone, do you oblige?

- What about work? Should work be offlimits? If your SO doesn't want you, as the CDer, to tell your work for fear of getting fired, do you oblige?

- Should the choice of telling others be a group decision between the both of you?

- If you disagree about who should know, how do you handle it?

- As CDers, do you feel an urge to tell the world? If your SO doesn't want you to, do you feel stifled or that you are hiding your true self or lieing?


I know that was a lot of questions. You don't have to answer them all. I'd just like to know how telling others, like coworkers or friends, or new random people on the street, affects you and your relationship.

Sobe

I do SOOOO wish that someone would explain to me how to quote individual parts of a post so I can answer each part in turn. I just can't figure this out!

So, I will answer your questions in order.

These are examples from MY life. So far this has been working OK. Will it continue? I don't know, but for now, things seem to be moving along without too many problems. So remember these are personal examples.

1.) Well at first I thought that my SO (wife) was just telling all her friends, but it turned out when I questioned her that she was being quite selective, and only telling certain friends that she felt would be OK with it. She didn't ask my permission. I don't ask her permission before telling my friends. I just tell them.

2.) Almost all the time, we do not ask each other's permission first.

3.) We really are not in this situation. Neither one of us wants to tell everyone, and neither one of us wants to tell no one.

4.) My thoughts are that I will eventually have to tell everyone. However, my wife does not want me to tell her children. Rather, my wife wants to be the one to tell her children. She feels she will know when the time is right. I respect her decision. (I had better respect her decision) LOL

5.) Work is my resposiblity. I go there. I have to work with these people. I control that area. In general, I tell anyone at work who asks. I do not volunteer any info. I answer any question truthfully and in a relaxed, matter of fact manner. I do this for my own protection. In other words, if I am open and relaxed and treat this situation as if it is normal and not something to be ashamed about, it will be impossible for people to hold it against me.
"Yes I wear women's clothes."
"Yes, I am exploring my feminine side."
"SO???"
If I don't feel guilty about it, It's harder for others to turn it against me.

6.) No. I don't see how you can have a group discussion every time this situation comes up. You have to depend on your own discretion and common sense, and take each situation on an induvidual basis.

7.) If we disagree about telling someone, we respect the other's wishes. To do otherwise would be relationship suicide.

8.) You know, it's not that I want to TELL the world about me. It's just that this is how I want to dress. So if I want to be able to interact in the world dressed this way, people are going to have to see me. When I TELL people, it's mostly for self preservation. I tell them calmly and in a relaxed manner so that they can see that's it's not a shamefull and guilt ridden secret. For instance, I knew that my next door neighbor would eventually see me, so I told her all about Stephenie in a sort of "preventative strike". It worked very well. When she finally did see Stephenie, we were able to stop and chat and her only comment was, "My, you look very nice."
Another example. I stop every day at a convenience store for a sandwich on my way to work. I have gotten to know the male cook and the female clerk pretty well. Not socially, but I do stop there every day. As I am appearing more and more feminine, I thought I should say something. So the day I showed up with my first perm, I told them both. The cook, a tattooed skinhead type was interested and semed to care and the clerk was excited for me. Now there is one more place where I don't need to worry, and where I can feel safe.

9.) Because both my wife and I have told others, I do not feel stifled or represed about this. I still have aprehensions about the course of my life, and of course this whole thing may blow up in my face at some point, but it's my life, and I am going to live it the way I want for once. I have spent FAR too long living my life the way I think others want of me. NO more.

As perhaps you can tell, I feel that one must take resposibility for one's actions in life. Hiding a shameful, guilty secret can not help but hurt your overall quality of life. Since I "came out" to my wife and others I have been so much happier. I tell my wife it's like a song in my heart. Of course, you have to exercise a bit of common sense, but in general, I feel that if I want to wear women's clothes, I had better get used to how people will react to me when I do it. It's sort of like "sh*t or get off the pot". So far, most people seem pretty OK with my case of "gender confusion".

Remember these are examples and thoughts from MY life. Do any apply to yours? If they do, take 'em. You're welcome.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Marcie Sexton]

For my wife and I the discussion of Cd ing comes up often...We discuss among other things how her discovery of Marcie made our love so much deeper...She is also the voice of the CD in our area...On numerous occasions I have seen her discuss the plight of the Transgender/sexuals...voicing her support :thumbsup:

We do make mutual decisions in regards to how we approach the discussions and how we support our group. :hugs:

For us its the only way, mutual agreement and support...:love:

[Leah B]

you say part of being out to you is about personal pride...pride in what? Pride in ME. Pride in being trans.
Why tell someone you dont want to be enfemme around?
Why hide it? I'm not sayin g there aren't good reasons to hide it, but I don't feel that "they won't see me enfemme" is one I would use. My mother knows I play Role-Playing Games (like Dungeons and Dragons) but I don't think I'll ever play one around her. She doesn't need to know I killed an Ettin last week with my level 7 Elf Wizard, but I'm not going to lie about it (I might not bring it up though because it would bore her to tears).


Why would a CD that loves bing a man, what to tell everyone that he likes to ware dresses???

Because a CD knows especially that men wear dresses too. These aren't mutually exclusive.


This would degrade there maleness in my mind anyways, and increase there female power.

In my mind it would not, and I suppose that's the root of our disagreement. My maleness is as much a part of me as CDing. I can't purge my maleness either.


Your eather wanting to be femal or male, ask yourself, what is it going to be??

I choose both! Gender isn't binary Chantelle.

* * *
Steph, if you want to quote chunks, select the text you want to quote, then hit that little button above the text field that looks like a word bubble. That will wrap the selected text in the necessary BB code.

[Chantelle CD]

I agree with much of what you say here, and Tess-Leigh's comments too.
The bit i disagree with is


Not for me it's not. It is the objectified and tangible series of sensations that maximizes the feelings. Like the scent and the sound of dry leaves in autumn as they crunch underfoot is part of the emotions of nostalgia and happiness that accompanies autumn for me. It is not the case that the mind and emotions are divorced from the body... they are profoundly interconnected. So my dressing is not an obsession, it is part of the experience which includes my emotions.

It is not the case that the mind and emotions are divorced from the body... they are profoundly interconnected. This is true, but in a good way? If i was to walk with you on that fine autumn's day, i would hear the sound of the leaves under foot, and feel sad, knowing that the trees are going to sleep, and cant wait until spring, for them to awaken. The same place, the same situation, two different experiences. The mind interprets things threw all that it knows, life experiences. There are many that write <Depack Chopra for one> the the ego is the thing that stops real perception from seeing what is real and what is illusion. the fact that judgment is wrong is just because of this, individuals minds interpreting differently because of different self experiences. Self expression is only a way to show what it is that our minds have chosen to obsess over. What your mind views as truth and what mine does, are two totally different views, as is everyone else's, made real because of your and everyones own experiences. Everything one acts outwardly to is an obsession created by our minds interpreting from what it knows. The mind only knows what it knows from the day it was conceived to the day it dies, we have to learn how to speak and talk with words, but the feelings and emotions are there because there real, a baby feels everything, but doesnt know how to explain it, it's mind is so young, and knows nothing. until it learns, and has experiences, and those experiences will determine what it thinks or explains to self what is what.

I never said that self expression should not be, i totally love that, in fact if i had only one wish for anything in the world, anything, i would wish for world wide judgment to be erased off this planet!!! This is slowly happening, as people realize that judgment comes from our own minds telling us what is what, made of our own self experiences. How many are there? as many as there individuals in this world!!! Cant hide that there is TRUTH, like 1 plus 1 = 2 the mind holds information due to what it sees and interprets communicatively, this is truth, and we act outwardly because of this, others disagree to how we want to express ourselves, because of this fact, and we also dress because of this. and judgment is just wrong, because it belittles someone eles ego.

[battybattybats]

Hmm. it would be very easy to run this way off topic so perhaps we should start a new thread in the lounge to discuss metaphysics, Jungs ideas about reality, Gudjief and Ouspenskys ideas, bhudist toaist and zen philosophy etc, free will and neurobiology and how that all relates to crossdressing....

Stephanie makes some good points.. if someone asks you "Are you a crossdresser" and your SO is nowhere nearby do you lie, dodge the question or answer honestly? Would your answer depend on who was asking or why?

[Stephenie S]

I answer truthfully. The extent of my answer would depend on my relationship with the person asking the question. Good friends get longer answers. Strangers get answers short and to the point. I used to lie and hide myself. A few relationships ago I made the decision not to hide any more. It has freed my life.

Stephenie

[Chantelle CD]

I would dodge the question, make light of it with a joke or something, It wouldn't matter who asked it either, simply no one needs to know, and is none of there business at all. I dont see how telling anyone would free me, i dont need acceptance from others, only self acceptance, anything that comes from anyone else's is coming from there own beliefs anyhow, totally separate from my own purpose, and reasons.