Do I tell her?

[Shawna25]

I am 27 years old and have crossdressed in the past....I somehow think that maybe there is part of me that is still into it but for the most part I think it has died down since I have been with my fiance.... I am scheduled to get married next May to the love of my life but I am kind of on the fence when it comes to telling her or not....if I tell her it might destory the relationship we have plus the fact that I live in a small town and news travels fast....if I don't tell her it might be safe to assume that everything will be okay....what do I do.....if you have any thoughts on this situation please let me know.

[Marla S]

Tell her.

If you don't, it might as well destroy your relationship later ... when it's too late.

When you have no desire to CD now, the better, you can discuss it from a more objective point of view.

Anyway, she should know ... the more that it is not unlikely that the "desire" will come back some day. Maybe when you have settled job wise, have children etc.

I'd guess there is a good chance that it'll come back in your 40's the latest.

[Kate Simmons]

I didn't tell my wife until two years after we were married and it led to nothing but problems. Knowing what I know now and reading the experiences of others(and their SO's) and their heartfelt feelings, which I value greatly, I realize now I should have told her up front. It's your decision Hon but those are my feelings now. My best wishes for you in whatever you decide.:happy:

[Sasha IN]

I've always been very open about my desires with anyone that I felt had the chance of becoming a significant other. It has caused some immediate breakups, but it has also "weeded out" those that were unaccepting before the relationship got too intense. In my opinion it's better to get it out in the open before you make a life-long commitment.

I completely agree with Marla. This is the perfect time to objectively discuss the subject.

[Janailene]

Before marriage my wife knew that I wore girdles and nylons to anchor them from "riding up" the crotch. However once married I told her that I dressed fully as a woman and she was mad! She wanted to know before! Whether we would have still married - Not sure.

[rose382832]

yes tell her now. if she cant handle it and the urge comes back for you then life can turn into a living h..l for both of you. it can also be very expensive with legal fees and support payments and...

[Raychel]

No question, tell her everything NOW. Don't wait, the longer you wait the more damaging it can be.

:2c:

[Sheila]

from a GG point of view............... I think you should.

As I undersatnd it, dressing can and does sometimes go in phases ......... sometimes you do and sometimes you don't ..... there is more than a good chance that your desire to dress will return and if you are able to discuss this with your fiance before your marriage and she can take the time to mentally adjust and learn before your next dressing phase returns so much the better for you, your fiance and your relationship.

:hugs:Jess

[Jodie Wexler]

If you belive your relationship is base on trust the you have to tell. IF she found out later, eveything before that point would be considered a lie. I know because I ask mine what would of happened if I had not told her. She said
"I would of felt like you cheated on and lied to me for every day of our marriage". My wife is a great person and if you feel you future wife is one too be honest with her.

[Amanda Shaft]

I didn’t tell my SO until recently: we have been living together for about eight years now. I used to justify to myself not telling her by thinking I was protecting her from the trauma, saving her any anguish etc. In the end though I knew those were empty arguments: what I was protecting was myself, my relationship, my home, my image! Self, self, self! In the end I decided that by not saying anything I was doing her such a great disservice: did I trust her or not? Didn’t she, as the women I love, deserve to know!? Yes telling puts it all at risk but it’s not a gamble: if she is the person you think she is then it will be okay, better than okay. If she’s not then you will have learned something about her that you needed to know! So tell her.

I hope what ever decision you take proves to be the right one, for both of you.
Love Amanda x

[Sandra]

If you don't tell her and she finds out later it will cause a great deal of heart ache and upset.

Tell her now

[Holly]

Shawna, the fact that you are a current member here tells me that you still have some level of interest in cross dressing. Perhaps you are not actively dressing at the moment, but honey, I can tell you from experience that the chance that you will again in the future is extremely high. Heck, at one point in my life I went nearly 20 years without dressing! The other girls have given you some excellent advice... tell your fiancé NOW. Be ready to answer any and all questions that she may have. One is likely to be, "Why do you do it?" You might want to give that some thought and be prepared to share with her what drives you to dress (or what has in the past). Is it sexually stimulating? Part of a desire to explore the feminine traits of your personality? A feeling of being "at home" in the right clothing? Do you feel like you were born with the wrong body? Shawna, I know this may seem overwhelming and quite frightening but trust us who have been down this path already, BOTH you and your fiancé can only benefit from having this talk now.

One last note- make sure that you reaffirm your love for her. One thought that may be running through her mind may be that she feels that she is not woman enough for you. Let her know, under no uncertain terms, that SHE is THE ONE! The less threatened she feels, the higher the chance that she will be able to embrace the fact that you cross dress at some level. Please let us know how it goes.

[christina marie]

tell,tell,tell! there are amountain of stories of pain and heartache on here from people who have hid the truth from their SO's. please dont add yours. be honest and up front with her. if you truly love her, you owe her that.

[Tina Dixon]

Your young, and if your here your crossdressing is still a part of you, you have a chance to make a diffrence now, tell her now before you have to much to loss in the future.

[Sharon]

I assume that you are not sure if your fiance loves you enough to accept this relatively(I assume) small part of your life. Is she not mature enough to understand? Is she prejudiced against alternative lifestyles or other minorities? Is she unwilling to accept anything but preconceived perceptions of people?

If so, what exactly is it that you love about her?

[Di]

Another GG point of view.....it will be a part of you your entire life...............sometimes not so much...but it will have it's highs and lows......you need to tell her.........her finding out in the future.....she will feel betrayed and lied to. It is totally your call.....I do not know anything about her...is she immature?...is she open minded.?...............but for me....finding out later would be a total betrayal...........but this is me.....I do not know your g'f.

[Corrine GG]

I got married in October, found out 12/30. I am still trying to deal with the hurt that I am feeling about the 'secret' he hid from me. It's not fair to hide so much of yourself. When you marry someone you need to go into it with no secrets, from both sides. I told him EVERYTHING...it hurts more that he couldn't do that for me.

Don't expect her to open her arms to you after lying to her. IMHO Omissions are betrayals

[Oddlee]

The first is an ex-lover, still friend, who appreciates as I do the feel of nice lingerie, even when I'm the one wearing.

The second was a woman I dated several times, had a wonderful sense of humor, and could have been a potential partner. She wanted nothing to do with it, so we no longer date. Too bad, but I have to think the pain was much less at the level of involvement we reached than it would have been in 6 months.

The reason I'm responding, however, is that she brought up a point I do not recall seeing in any of these threads: that she would know there was a part of my life that she could not share, and she would always be aware of that. Her email explaining all this was very kind and gentle, with no blame, only a little hint of impropriety, but still some respect for having told her. So, I also think you should tell.

Lee

[Marianna Julianna]

Oh yes tell her, otherwise it's only storing more trouble up for the future, get it done now, if she really loves you she'll stay.

[Sheri 4242]

Yes!!! Absolutely tell her!!! To not tell her would be you making decisions that are her's to make! If she finds out down the road, she WILL feel betrayed and deeply hurt!!! A marriage MUST be based on a solid foundation of truth, honesty, TRUST, and mutual respect!!!

Also, as has been indicated by others, sometimes crossdressing does go in phases. What is important is for you, as well as your fiance, to gain full knowledge of what "male to female" (mtf) heterosexual crossdressing is all about. She needs to be calmly educated and edified. Boundaries need to be established when necessary, and moved as she feels comfortable. Make certain she knows that just b/c you are a CD, it does not mean you are gay (a very common first misconception), or that you want to transition (SRS). Many times a GG will think along the lines that a man's CDing has something to do with the GG not being enough of a woman -- dispell that myth immediately!!!

Finally, if necessary, find a psychologist who specializes in gender issues -- the two of you BOTH might benefit from some counselling on this, as couple and as individuals.

[prettywithsideburns]

I have not been on here long, yet I have read a great many horror stories here about spouses waiting until years or decades down the line before telling their SO's (or getting caught), only to find out that they aren't accepting of it. if what you have to tell her is going to be a problem for her, you both need to know that BEFORE you get married to someone who will not accept you for who you are. finding out that the marriage won't work before it happens is a damn sight better than finding out after you've already tied the knot. and if it's not a problem for her, then all the better.

yeesh, learn from the mistakes of others here, willya?

[Chantelle CD]

I agree with every reply here, you should tell her.

What i would do, is tell her you have something to talk about, be totally honest, and tell her, tell her when you first started doing it, how often you have done it over the years, your feelings for it, and how long it has been since you have done it. just be honest with her, and let her know if you feel a need to do it now or not, and that you dont know for 100% if the want will come back or not. make sure she knows where you stand as far as gender goes, how you feel about who you are, this is a big fear our SO's have over this, because it is how they are going to lose there man they fell in love with. #1 make sure she understands this point clearly!!!

Good luck if you decide to tell her, if you dont, i think you may stand a greater chance of losing her then for not being honest and open enough with her. Do you think she is open sort of person to accept this? if no, and you think you can nip it in the bud and never do it again, that may be a option, but I'm betting, since you had a taste of it, you wont be able to, but then i dont know you, and your strengths.

good luck friend, what ever your choice is :)

[Mitch23]

I didnt tell my wife of 13 years before we got married because I 'didn't think it would be an issue' - and it wasn't at the time. It is a big issue now, it has caused lots of pain and heartache and these are more because of dishonesty than the crossdressing.

I suspect that if I had told her then we may not have got together but in hindsight I can say with absolute certainty that honesty is the best policy and trust is everything. Tell her its dormant but tell her because if you don't it will come back to bite you. And as someone else said, you are a member of this site aren't you ....

love

Mitch

[prettywithsideburns]

I got married in October, found out 12/30. I am still trying to deal with the hurt that I am feeling about the 'secret' he hid from me. It's not fair to hide so much of yourself. When you marry someone you need to go into it with no secrets, from both sides. I told him EVERYTHING...it hurts more that he couldn't do that for me.

Don't expect her to open her arms to you after lying to her. IMHO Omissions are betrayals

I propose that to counterbalance the myriad of pre-marital traditions that use pressures both social and financial to discourage the airing of important secrets there should be a very particular ceremony to take place at some point prior to the big day. here's how it should go: both partners enter a plain white room with only a table and two chairs. they are each only allowed to bring one item into the room - a list of extremely personal questions designed to root out any major secrets. some of the questions are standardized, while others were chosen by the partners themselves in secret before they entered the room. then they are both injected with sodium pentathol (aka, truth serum), the door is closed and locked and they are not allowed out for 5 hours. at the end of the five hours they will hopefully have no profound secrets from eachother, and then they can decide if they still want to get married.

I'd wager that this would cut divorce rates by at least half.

[renee99]

You have no choice but to tell her, because the only alternative is to gamble that she won't divorce you or retaliate later when you do tell her. There is no known cure for the crossdressing desire except repression and resignation... does that sound like the kind of married life you want?

[Dee Talbot]

As someone who just found out now (a week ago), I would have preferred the upfront method to finding out on my own and assuming something much worse was going on. My SO has had urges for most of her life, but only gave into them furtively and with a lot of guilt until recently. It's really sad to think of all the pain that could been avoided for both of us.

Dee

[AllieSF]

I believe that not all secrets need to be shared with others including SO's. However, you are enterring into a contract with each other. In this case and due to the nature and potential negative impact that your secret may have to a contractual long term relationship, truth is called for. That truth as stated in some of the posts above, is not only that you have cross dressed in the past, have stopped for now (or is it almost stopped?), and that you may have some future desire to dress again. Yes, it may be a deal breaker for her, but for you it could also be a saviour to you in disguise. If she over reacts negatively, your secret may not be that anymore to your friends, family and those that you love. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[AmandaM]

I don't think you should tell her. Wait until you have three kids, and she wants alimony, child support, and the house, and she hates you so much the whole town not only knows, but she painted you as some depraved sicko! Then she can bring it up in court and to the newspapers. :eek:

Tell her.

[Bernadina]

Told my wife early when we were dating. She was accepting and it has worked out well. She now has a part time girl friend to go shopping with etc. Tell her, the sooner the better. Its been said here before, no secrets.

[bobi jean]

Shawna
You DO NEED to tell. Knowing first hand what can happen if you wait,,, lets just say "IT AINT PRETTY". My SO and I are still married, but even after about 15 years of knowing that has and will not erase the first 20 years of deception.
TELL HER, it will not hurt as much now(either of you), as it will if you wait.
Be ready for several hundred questions within about a 3 second time frame tho.

[Emily Ann Brown]

I like amandachick's advice......been there done that one !


I can't believe this still comes up. If you ain't married yet TELL her ..... no brainer here. (Which reminds me of the time I told my ex of a car for sale at a ridiculously low price..."Honey, anyone one with half a brain would buy this car immediately" to which she replied "What would a person with a whole brain do?" )


Emily Ann

[Angela d'Evial]

I agree that you should tell and not wait 33 years like I did , but what about education of what exactly crossdressing is and why we doing it ????

The fear of the crossdresser is that she walk away saying " I am not marrying a freak on heels !!!!" Not willing even to discuss this because there might be enough candidates waiting for her. It is all depending on the character of the SO how the reaction will be.

Nobody tells de SO that mostly the crossdresser is the best candidate for marriage because you can be sure he is not a control freak, not a wife beater, not a pedofile and mostly not gay.
A CD is a person with eye for beauty , sensitive , kind for others, open minded, knows how it is to walk on heels and understand how long it takes to put on the make up.

Most important is the CD respect women and also , if heterosexual, he is good in sex.

What can you have better than this ???

[GlitterGG]

My husband told me many years before we were ever able to think of getting married. I'm so very happy that we got married without ANY secrets. Big secrets are bad and have a HUGE tendancy to ruin a relationship, and for you this is a big secret. Put the high heel on the other foot sweetie. What if the situation were reversed? Wouldn't you want her to trust you enough to tell you?