Tired of the split ends

[Nicole]

No, not my hair, my life. Living a dual-life sucks. I hate the deception. I hate having to hide myself at work and from my friends. I feel like everyone will think I am a lying hypocrite once my true identity is revealed.

"Dare to dream" they say. "Be yourself and screw what anybody says". Yeah right. Watch what happens to my life once I do just that. Whoops... where did everyone go? Where is the gung-ho support?

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." ~MLK Jr.

The friends who know about me have been very supportive, but not all. I sense chilly air at the fringe of my social hub. Hopefully I won't freeze to death once the facade implodes.

I'm in a crappity foul-arse mood this morning. Pardon and thank you. It's no fun living 50% of your life 100% of the time.

Yes, I'm repeating the good old "Crossdressers Lament" whose carcass has already been pulverized by thousands of other frilly-attired horsefloggers. Hasn't someone written a depressing country song about this yet? "I got one foot in my boot, and one foot in my high heel. Won't somebody tell me where the road is goin', cause it's time to turn the wheel..." :whistling:

[Karren H]

Guess so!!! Bad weekend or something? I actually enjoy the whole secret life thingy.... Kind of fun on a wierd way.... Guess it's all how you look at it! Hope your week improves...

Karren

[Wendy me]

OK true this can suck ... hiding and not being open to every one and the back lash if you do...you know how your thinking and feeling i don't think there's been one of us that haven't felt that way before...

[Nicole]

Guess so!!! Bad weekend or something? I actually enjoy the whole secret life thingy.... Kind of fun on a wierd way....

It was a great weekend except for the lack of an opportunity to dress.

I guess if I cared about keeping my guy identity, I'd enjoy the occasional undercover mission as 007 Jane Bond. :D But I'm already to the point where I don't want to switch back.

[Nicole]

OK true this can suck ... hiding and not being open to every one and the back lash if you do...you know how your thinking and feeling i don't think there's been one of us that haven't felt that way before...

You are right about that. I guess I'm getting grouchier about it lately because dressing "occasionally" isn't working so well. I am favoring a more full-time approach which is a lot more complicated when you have to keep it under wraps.

[Joy Carter]

OK true this can suck ... hiding and not being open to every one and the back lash if you do...you know how your thinking and feeling i don't think there's been one of us that haven't felt that way before...

Karen my phone hasen't rung since my social group found out three years ago.

Gets kinda lonely on a Friday night with just a dog being there.:o

[battybattybats]

Sometimes, though it's hard, it can be time to find a new social group. Living in a rural uni town most of my friends were students and most of them have moved far away. It's hard to have a social life when disabled (CFS) at the best of times but I'm slowly building it back up again.

I suppose it depends on the greater drive, the drive not to disrupt the social life or the drive not to hide.

[prettywithsideburns]

transgender country music? sweet mercy, that would be awesome!

[Wendy me]

see sometimes we see pics of people here going out .... we read story's abought things people are doing ..... and we feel we want or need that for us.... be careful my sisters .... is what you want relay what you need??? changes to one's life in any way can be a wonderful thing or it can be the beginning of something terrible ....just make sure your doing what is right for you and not something you never relay wanted.....

[MeraLehanga]

""I guess if I cared about keeping my guy identity, I'd enjoy the occasional undercover mission as 007 Jane Bond. But I'm already to the point where I don't want to switch back."


There is more fun in secrecy than in something which becomes common knowledge (a CD dressing openly) and we would take it for granted like women do whilst they get into their prom dresses. The touch of satin endlessly generates electrical femme impulses in CDs like us, wherein they forget what they are wearing after a little while. I consider myself fortunate to have this absolute desire to be within a petticoat, prom dress and bra at the same time be my usual self too when I am answerable to my family and pals. Best of both worlds.

Nobody can let go of femme mode desires once its fangs gets into you.

So please get a hold onto yourself, you sounded so desperate, losing your mind. Please take it slowly

[Sheri 4242]

Jane Bond?!!!?!!!? :rofl:

Sorry, Karen, but I needed that!!!

And, PLEASE understand that I am not trying to minimize your angst and despair!!!

The truth is, as Wendy said, our life as CDers can absolutely suck -- and it is understandable that any one of us will, from time-to-time, need to vent. I read a book not too long ago that, in essence, said that of gays (and that subdivided into the drag queen group), lesbians, transsexuals, and "mtf heterosexual crossdressers," it is those in the latter group who have the greatest problem with tolerance, much less acceptance.

Fair??? Not in my opinion!!! There are times when I see a GG out in public in a great outfit and instead of thinking, "wonder where she got that?" (which IS what I tend to think a lot of the time), I'll find myself getting angry, SCREAMING to myself, "it isn't fair that she can wear that and it is ok, but if I did, it wouldn't be ok." In fact, at those times, I'll get upset looking at a GG wearing a man's shirt and jeans -- and she is considered chic, en vogue, stylish, and sexy, not someone who is aberrant!!! At other times, I feel we have progressed a great deal from 20-40 years ago. Maybe we have, maybe we haven't.

The bottom line, though, is that we all have felt the way you are feeling at one time or another. I guess we have to find satisfaction in the victories we each have -- and keep sharing them here so that others will, hopefully, have the courage, guts, or whatever you want to call it, to take another step forward. Each step any of us takes is a step for all of us!!! I feel when my wife and I walked out onto Las Vegas Blvd with me in a wedding gown, it was a step in the right direction for all of us!!! The group that gets en femme and goes for dinner each week (or each month) are making a move for all of us in the right direction!!!

So, vent when you need to vent, gf -- we are here!!! And, make a move in the right direction whenever you can -- within your comfort level and the constraints of your personal life!!! We are paving the way!!!

[MeraLehanga]

.[/QUOTE]I guess if I cared about keeping my guy identity, I'd enjoy the occasional undercover mission as 007 Jane Bond. :D But I'm already to the point where I don't want to switch back.[/QUOTE]

Dear Sis, There is more fun in secrecy than in something which becomes common knowledge (a CD dressing openly) and we would take it for granted like women do whilst they get into their prom dresses. The touch of satin endlessly generates electrical femme impulses in CDs like us, wherein they forget what they are wearing after a little while. I consider myself fortunate to have this absolute desire to be within a petticoat, prom dress and bra at the same time be my usual self too when I am answerable to my family and pals. Best of both worlds.

Nobody can let go of femme mode desires once its fangs gets into you.

So please get a hold onto yourself, you sounded so desperate, losing your mind. Please take it slowly, sis

[sandra-leigh]

Karen my phone hasen't rung since my social group found out three years ago.


One of the reasons I Went To Europe was to meet new people, because I was getting anguished about always having to be the one who made the "Let's do something" calls. That was in 1990. And the situation with my old social circle has only gotten worse since. True that I moved 1500 miles away in '92, but I only stay in touch by phone with one of them; the others have called me at most twice in 15 years. Some of them only see each other now when I go back to visit and get everyone together. And not one of them knows about my dressing (which is only in the last 3 years), so it isn't that.

The city I live in now... a fair number of people move away to Big Cities around university age for opportunities, and move back when their children are small so their kids grow up someplace decent. So it's a city of generations and of friendships handed down through the generations, and if you come from outside you pretty much have to live in the same place for a decade before it's socially acceptable to say hello in passing to the neighbours. It's not that people are snooty, but that they have their social lives already. The saving grace is the Arts Scene, which is very active, and lets pretty much anyone with talent in (unfortunately, I have no talents for the Arts.)

As a result, I've gone to more social events and had more invitations since I became a crossdresser than in the decade prior. I wouldn't say that I know people well, but for example when I missed one of the monthly club meetings, at the next I was teasingly scolded, because although I don't say a whole lot at the meetings, I am part of the community and they are glad to see me. I talk to more people now than before I dressed.

I didn't set out to create a circle of cross-dressing in-person friends, but I can tell you this: It's better than Nothing! Much better.

[TxKimberly]

:hugs:
Pretty sure there is only one acceptable response to a rant like that - and its a hug!
((( Karen )))