GGs. Your thoughts, please. (how to tell your SO)

[Lawren]

We have seen much debate about if, how, and when a CD should tell his SO.

This is an ongoing subject but, as far as I know, no one has gathered all of our GG's thoughts in one thread. I am attempting to do just that so we all can see the issue through your eyes.

Should he tell you and, if so, when and how?

GG responses only, please. Let's hear their side of it.

[Corrine GG]

We have seen much debate about if, how, and when a CD should tell his SO.

Should he tell you and, if so, when and how?


Early, VERY early. before you get your hearts into it. I think that would be the easiest on the CD. Just tell her...then "next" if she doesn't like it.

I was out in the awful meat market for a while before meeting my new husband. There are so many awful men out there that if a woman has been out there dating and a really nice guy comes along who happens to CD, it probably won't be a big deal.

Since all this is new to me and I found out (the most HORRIBLE way to learn) I think that most ggs agree that the worst part is the betrayal when you find out later. I never hid anything that was so much of a part of me from my SO.

Omissions are betrayals. :2c:

[Country girl]

I have to agree with Corrine GG. If a GG is going to be accepting then she will be. But if not, it is better to know before you both have your hearts deep in the relationship. A lie is a lie, whether it be a lie of omission or any other kind. Everyone knows that in a relationship once you have lied, rebuilding trust is one of thr hardest things to do. Sometimes you can never get that back. So tell her early on. If you have gone out 3 or 4 times and you feel that there is a chance that it could turn into a relationship, that's the time to say something. Before it goes any further. In fact I would go so far as to say if you make it to a second date, then that's when you should let her know.

[Di]

As soon as it goes from friendship to a steady relationship............I think it would stop alot of heartache all the way around on both sides really. Alot of s.o.'s I have talked too feel betrayed and deceived and left out a part of their partners life...and sometimes that hurt destroys a relationship, more so that the cding.......just my pov.

[loveaCD GG]

I would agree very early on in the relationship. As my CD put it he would rather me know up front than have me come home and he's sitting on the couch in a dress. I thought this was very thoughtful and kind and i'm glad he did it. So yes i think you should let them know early on.

[Kerry Owens]

Absolutely I agree with the above. Lawren did the right thing, and told me honestly. If he had hidden this, and I walked into seeing him without any idea, I would probably be in a nice happy little ward.
Folks honesty is the best policy!

[crimsoncage GG]

Ok so I'm kind of an anomoly here, Natasha told me because he knew I was planning on moving all the way across country to be with him. I still asked the same question most of you others asked..."are you gay?"
The answer was no, so there was no problem. Until I learned what it meant, It meant that I was always going to feel guilty when I found the perfect dress and shoes and He only found what fit. It meant him spending in the bathroom playing with makeup and hair when I just wanted to "get busy".
It meant being educated in how women are when I happen to be one.
It meant choosing to spend my life with a wonderful, compassionate, lovable, sensuous MAN who just happens to wear stockings. I wouldn't change my decision, I love him more every day not less. Every time I have someone to talk to just because I rolled over in bed. THAT is rare, I cannot imagine how angry and hurt I would be if he lied to me. I think that before you invite these wonderful women into your lives you need to think and be honest.
Trust us and tell the truth,we're full of surprises.:love:

[Carin's Wife GG]

as soon as the CD knows. Carin really did not *know* about her own need to be Carin until well into our marriage.



Louise.

[Stacy GG]

I would say as early on in the relationship as possible. I don't know about the going "steady" part but if at all possible before getting married. I know some do not completely understand cding themselves for quite a while and are not sure how to explain it to others. I say even if you don't completely understand it your self be as open as possible.

[GACountrygal]

Ok so I'm kind of an anomoly here, Natasha told me because he knew I was planning on moving all the way across country to be with him. I still asked the same question most of you others asked..."are you gay?"
The answer was no, so there was no problem. Until I learned what it meant, It meant that I was always going to feel guilty when I found the perfect dress and shoes and He only found what fit. It meant him spending in the bathroom playing with makeup and hair when I just wanted to "get busy".
It meant being educated in how women are when I happen to be one.
It meant choosing to spend my life with a wonderful, compassionate, lovable, sensuous MAN who just happens to wear stockings. I wouldn't change my decision, I love him more every day not less. Every time I have someone to talk to just because I rolled over in bed. THAT is rare, I cannot imagine how angry and hurt I would be if he lied to me. I think that before you invite these wonderful women into your lives you need to think and be honest.
Trust us and tell the truth,we're full of surprises.:love:



same for me!! well everything cept the "are you gay" part, since he'd also just enlightened me to the fact he was bisexual...but yup, the same as in moving across the country and all as Crimson said!!
:hugs:

[Sheila]

As soon as you think this relatioinship is going anywhere, I was angry that he did not trust me enough to tell me before we started living together, in my case I had kids living at home the youngets was 7 I didn't get a chance to make an informed choice for myself let alone my kids and that was unforgivable of him ........... having said that it will be a year on July 24th since I discovered his cding and we are still together but and I mean BUT it has been the source of a whole lot of conflict if only he had been truthful from the start and afterwards as well.

I have some great kids and they have already met, a dressed super Woman, and at our home with her partner, and neither of them raised an eyebrow, that visit has actually encouraged him to seriously think about telling my daughter (21) and son (11) ...... (something I was wanting to do for a long long time) ...life has just been so mad here lately that we have not had time to sit them down and tell them.

I hope that we can sit down tonight and talk about telling them:D

[Ema1234 GG]

I'd say as soon as you know that this is something more than just a casual fling. Now I'm not saying you have to come out with it within a few minutes of meeting someone, but certainly when things are looking like they are becoming more serious.

In my opinion it's only fair to let someone know about such a significant part of your life before they get in too deep. That way, they can make the choice about whether they still want to be in the relationship. I found out much much later when I'd already given my heart and soul to this person. Now I'm not saying I love them any less, or that I'd ever consider ending it, but I guess the part that hurt the most was the lies and deceit.

But, I do think it's important to be prepared for a lot of questions on their part. Are you gay? Do you want to become a woman full time? Why do you do it? Have you ever worn my clothes? How do you get your clothes? Are just a few of the many that spring to mind. No matter how insignificant or "stupid" you may think the questions are, be prepared to answer them as they are important to her or she wouldn't be asking them.

And if it doesn't work out, well there isn't that much lost if you've told her early enough. But I think that by getting these things out in the open early on, it saves a lot of problems and heartache later.

[Dee Talbot]

as soon as the CD knows. Carin really did not *know* about her own need to be Carin until well into our marriage.

I agree with this totally. My SO didn't even know how important this was to her until very recently. I "found out" before Barb had a chance to come out to me. We are in agreement that it would have been better to sit down and share this with me from the beginning. It took me a little bit to "get up to speed" and find myself just as in love with Barb as I am with Barry. I would be sad now if I hadn't been given the opportunity to know Barb.

Dee

[Tree GG]

...Should he tell you and, if so, when and how? ...



Yes;
As soon as the relationship becomes intimate and serious;
Clearly, directly and with as much honesty as possible.

Would I have married a CD if I'd known before? I cannot say with any certainty - that was 27 yrs ago. Who knows how I would've reacted. Of course he didn't know/believe he was a CD then either.

[crimsoncage GG]

same for me!! well everything cept the "are you gay" part, since he'd also just enlightened me to the fact he was bisexual...but yup, the same as in moving across the country and all as Crimson said!!
:hugs:

Natasha is very straight, just likes to be pretty. A friend of mine mailed me racy pics that her husband took and Natasha was disgusted by the ones that included her husband. I'm the one riding the fence in this relationship, he doesn't care for that either told me he'd like to be my husband and my girlfriend.

[mylitta]

I'd say as soon as you know that this is something more than just a casual fling. Now I'm not saying you have to come out with it within a few minutes of meeting someone, but certainly when things are looking like they are becoming more serious.

In my opinion it's only fair to let someone know about such a significant part of your life before they get in too deep. That way, they can make the choice about whether they still want to be in the relationship.

:iagree:

I wouldn't jump in on the first date: there are things in my life that I would like a long term partner to know, but wouldn't want to share with just anyone. In the same way, especially if it is something you keep secret, you need to know that the person you are confiding in can be trusted. On the other hand, it is only fair to let someone know about such an important part of yourself before you make a commitment to each other.
Like the others have said, there is an awful lot of damage repair to be done if/ when we find out the hard way- and no-one deserves that!

[Just Rachel]

I would agree with everyone who says to tell as soon as the relationship is getting serious. My ex-husband told me before we were married. I was very, very young and didn't realize that it involved more than wearing panties under his clothes, though. I wish I'd understood that he truly wanted to be a female and it was the biggest thing in his life. Perhaps I'd have been more compassionate. I think it's important to let her know the total extent of your CDing.

Hope this is helpful :)

[GACountrygal]

Natasha is very straight, just likes to be pretty. A friend of mine mailed me racy pics that her husband took and Natasha was disgusted by the ones that included her husband. I'm the one riding the fence in this relationship, he doesn't care for that either told me he'd like to be my husband and my girlfriend.

I wasnt implying your SO was gay or bi or anythin like that

[Sandra]

A lot of SO are not so much hurt by the dressing but the lies and deceit that go with it, so as soon as it starts to become more than friendship then hopefully a lot of heartache and hurt will be avoided.

[crimsoncage GG]

I wasnt implying your SO was gay or bi or anythin like that

I know that shweetie!:ld:

[Bev06 GG]

Yes the more women you talk to the more you realise that those who have taken it the worst are the ones who have been kept in the dark for years and sometimes have found out by chance. The betrayal element is a huge factor to consider when your starting a new relationship.
However, some guys dont even realise that they are a CD until later on in life. My partner didn't do. Infact he was 46 when he tried some of my stuff on and decided that it felt really nice. We had only just got together and he was as shocked as I was at how much he enjoyed it.
For those synics who think that he was aware but just didn't want to admit it, I can tell you that isn't true. If he had been doing it for years he'd have had some sort of a clue as to how to do it, and he didn't. Infact he looked Goddamned awful until we decided to do it properly, he didn't have a clue in the desert what to do and because I gave him a free rein he carried on looking very amateurish for months.
I guess when he met me he had more time on his hands and no other distractions. I wear lots of very nice matching underwear and he reckons thats what started him off because he used to like the feel of it.
However, yes I appreciated being in on it from the very beginning and would have felt very betrayed and used had he not shared it with me.
Bev

[GlitterGG]

Yes, I think it best to tell as soon as possible, even if things are still in the early stages. Kandis told me within a week of our meeting each other. Granted, it took us 7 years to finally get together in a relationship, but when we got married I was very happy that there were no surprises waiting for me. He's been very honest with me about everything, and I couldn't possibly begin to put into words how much I appreciate that.

[dancinginthedark]

I think at the same time that we all would normally start to disclose those things that may influence how another feels/thinks of us. You know, all those things that make us who we are. Big and small.

I had that talk with my hubby when I knew things were getting serious between us-- a few months after we started seeing each other. I wanted him to make an informed decision in other words. He had the real talk with me 17-1/2 years later. That's when I found out I had gotten the condensed PG rated version. :rolleyes:

So yeppers, I'm right there with the tell em' when things get serious between you or seem to be headed that way. As Sandra points out many of us are hurt/bothered/disillusioned by the secrets/lies NOT the fact he dresses.

How to tell? With as much honesty and compassion as you can. Get your facts and information ready. Think about what she may ask and have those answers or be willing to think on them and answer as soon as you can reasonably do so. Don't leave it to her to figure out things you haven't yet or to leave her to try to find some place to try to figure it out on her own. [Any idea what I had to wade through to find this site? :sick: So not what I wanted/needed at the time. ]

And after you have the talk please try to remember if you still have confusion/doubts/fears/I don't know where this is going attitude then try really hard to not to belittle/criticize/back off if/when she does feel all those things on occasion as well. -- You may have been living with this since childhood [years] and if you still have all those mixed feelings imagine how she may feel when it is all brand new. I see that so often I have to shake my head. A thread titled: My SO rejects me etc etc when the poor woman only expressed her own doubts/fears/confusion. Instead of a panic and/or rejecting her why not offer some answers or at least some reassurances? [Comments are meant in a general way and are not directed at the OP or anyone else in particular. I do know not everyone does that, but more than enough do that it leaves me amazed by it.]

dancin

Here are some links that may help those of you thinking of telling and those who have and are now dealing with the ups and downs.

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/pendulum.html
One of our members wrote an excellent thread on acceptance you should read that explains all those ups and downs might go through when they find out. It's called Understanding the acceptance pendulum. Marla GG first posted it here on the site. Have a look around while you are there, lots of great information to be found at this site.

How to Tell Your Partner
http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html
Another article written by Marla GG, on how to tell the woman in your life about yourself.

[EmmaB GG]

Wow - well done, Lawren, on getting so many of the GG's in one thread!

In my opinion, as early as possible whether it's when the relationship turns the "serious" corner, or when during the relationship you realise there is something not run-of-mill about your thoughts.

The sooner its in the open between you, the better - the questions might not be any easier nor the emotions any calmer but at least you can both get on with trying to work it out together.

But, remember, every couple is different - and the GG's on here are the one's who are looking to work it out positively, so if your SO isn't here, maybe it would help her if she was?

[Tamara Croft]

Might I just remind NON GG's of this forum, that this thread is for GG's ONLY to reply in!!!

[GACountrygal]

I know that shweetie!:ld:

my bad :bonk::bonk::blushing::heehee:

Yanno... I wonder if this should be stickied since theres always a lot of new folks on the site and the question gets asked often??? Just a thought

[Kerry Owens]

good point, because so many of the new comers to the site do ask the same question..."should I tell....?"
it makes sense to let them see this, the advice from many of the GG's all speaking as it were, to the question that seems to keep cropping up every couple of weeks or so.

[Lawren]

Thank you very much for your replies, ladies.

So far. the answer is unanimous. Tell her up front. Sooner rather than later. I was quite sure that this would be so but I wanted everyone to see for themselves.

I know this little survey is biased just by being part of this forum but I don't believe that the answers would change significantly if this were to be done amongst women in general. Women place honesty very high on their priority list when selecting a partner.

[Princess Peach]

:iagree: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!!
Honesty above all else.. Dont be worried about what they say or how they react. Even if its a somewhat negative response. Most women cool down and will want to talk about things. I know thats the way I am. And you can go from there. My SO told me before we even started dating so I was prepared and it has made things a whole lot easier.

[morrisworful]

The whole reason I am with my boyfriend I'm with now is because I was looking for a crossdresser. It is the hugest turn on for me, even though I had never been with one. Telling someone right off is the best way to go. Why play games, it leads you nowhere.:love:

[JamesAlan]

My girlfriend hinted at the fact she wanted to dress enfemme. She's a subtle person, doesn't like to come out with things outright. I've gotten used to it, and it wouldn't be her if she didn't. So I figured it out from her subtle hints. The next day I took her shopping for feminine stuff. It was a couple weeks later talking to her that I figured out she doesn't just want to look like a woman, she wants to be one. I'm fine with that, but I'm glad that this has all come out in the beginning of our relationship. For us this has strengthened our relationship. She knows now that no matter what happens, she can tell me. It was hard for her to tell me (even subtly). I'm proud of her for telling me, and she's very happy to be able to be female with me (I'd use her feminine name, but I don't know how she wants to spell it :rolleyes: I know, bad girlfriend lol). It would have hurt later not knowing and finding out by mistake. If a CD's or TG's SO is an openminded and supportive person, it could possibly strengthen the relationship telling them. I know it did for my girlfriend and me.