Help please, SO issues…

[Athena]

Where to start… I guess when you read my previous postings, everything seems to be hunky-dory with my SO and my thing for women’s stuff. She buys my panties because I just do not have the guts to buy them myself. Even *if* I was brave enough to buy them, I wouldn’t do it because it would feel like I was hiding something… She bought me a pair of stockings and even a camisole.. Occasionally I have a pedicures at the nail-salon owned by her friend. I will get the full treatment, including my favorite red OPI polish… Most, if not all, of those visits are sponsored by her though a ‘Gift-certificate’…. I think she even likes the shaved legs… All good, and all in the open..

But once in awhile she uses my ‘thing’ against me. Out of the blue she accuses me that only ‘that thing’ would turn me on… Which is not true.. I always separate the two.. I never tried to combine my thing for woman’s clothing with my marital duties… so to speak..

Heck yes, I would love to play dress-up once in awhile (Let there be no doubt), but I can’t expect her to engage in such a game… (only in my dreams)

Why would she do that? And did you encounter this situation as well? How did you deal with it? It is so unfair… On one hand allowing it, and even (almost) encouraging it… but at the same time using it against me whenever she feels like it…

I find it hard to talk about it. It is a very private thing and very out of the norm (for me).. just when I felt comfortable with the situation, she shatters my world with those remarks…

What to do?

Thanks for listening..

Athena.

[KandisTX]

Sounds to me as if there is something bothering her and your cding is at the heart of it. You should sit her down and talk to her, get everything out in the open. That's the only way to find out what's going on. She is the only one that can explain why she says/does these things.

Kandis:love:

[GACountrygal]

Sounds to me as if there is something bothering her and your cding is at the heart of it. You should sit her down and talk to her, get everything out in the open. That's the only way to find out what's going on. She is the only one that can explain why she says/does these things.

Kandis:love:

:thumbsup::thumbsup:

What Kandis said!

Nic

[Sheri 4242]

Sounds to me as if there is something bothering her and your cding is at the heart of it. You should sit her down and talk to her, get everything out in the open. That's the only way to find out what's going on. She is the only one that can explain why she says/does these things.Kandis

It is either what Kandis said (where your CDing is at the heart of whatever is bothering her) OR it could be something else is bothering her and your CDing is somehow part of the equation or is "taking a hit," whether associated or not, through transference. Either way, you need to communicate with her!!! That's a two-way street -- you've got to listen and be responsive to her wants/needs/concerns.

[Holly]

...Why would she do that? ...I don't think we can answer that question. This is one the you and she are going to have to work out.

[AllieSF]

Communication, communication. That is the only way. It is also not just a one time conversation. This is a deep and complicated situation and the communication needs to be continuos, sometimes repeating and always open and honest. It should be a safe zone type of conversation where each can talk and the other agrees to try not to get upset nor interrupt too much. Time should be given to allow each to digest what they have heard and maybe revisit it at a later date. She is probably trying to adapt to this too and maybe having the same problems as you to talk though it to understand her's and your feelings. Good luck.

[Joni Beauman]

My SO similarly is inconsistent and prefers not to talk about it, something I want to respect. I have learned to just be patient with her varying attitude on the topic of my cding. I think it is a lot to deal with and some times are easier than others, thus the occasional pulling back. Progress on the issue is exciting but it is nearly equally balanced by these sort of emotional setbacks. I think that is the nature of being married to someone with gender dysphoria - but as long as it doesn't become obsessive and I maintain a balanced life, things will be fine - and hopefully for you too. Joni

[krisla]

Hang in, my SO knows but never wants to talk about it. There are times I feel guilty just because I avoid telling her what I am really doing. A make-up lesson becomes going to dinner for work. We have always had a great trust and I hate not being upfront. She shuts down whenever the subject comes up and I hate making her feel uncomfortable.

Krisla

[Angie G]

Somewhat when it comes time for bed angie don't go there :hugs:
Angie

[Oddlee]

I'm a great believer in Stephen Covey's work. In this case, seek first to understand, and then to be understood. Maybe the way to apply it in this situation is to explain your perceptions and ask her what she means, or if you have misunderstood what she has said or misinterpreted her responses. Tell her that you perceive a mixed message, on the one hand supportive, on the other hand questioning. In your conversation, stick with your feelings and internal responses to what she says, rather than accusing her of anything. Stick to facts and your feelings/internal responses, without expressing blame. Accept what she says and make sure you understand her point of view by asking clarifying questions. This is a convresation in which your wants/needs/points of view are irrelevant, so don't bring them up. Just be sure you understand her point of view.
After you digest that, and she agrees that you understand, you may get an opportunity to present your own viewpoint/needs/desires... Or maybe not - depends on your SO

Lee

[Sheri 4242]

Maybe the way to apply it in this situation is to explain your perceptions and ask her what she means, or if you have misunderstood what she has said or misinterpreted her responses. Tell her that you perceive a mixed message, on the one hand supportive, on the other hand questioning.Lee

It is much like Richard Nixon once said, "I know you heard what you thought I said, but you didn't hear what I meant." How many times does this happen even in simple conversations? (Not to digress, but this is why I have been an advocate for clear -- well, as clear as possible -- terminology in some discussions on this forum!) What is clear is that often a GG will say one thing, and the GM hears something entirely different -- and vice versa to a somewhat lesser extent (there have been extensive studies on this). This is why it is important that we practice the "art" of conversation, most especially so we can be responsive to the needs of our spouses.

[Sandra]

It could be a number of reasons as to why she does this, but you have to sit down with her and talk it through ask her "why" and then try to work through it.

[DonnaT]

But once in awhile she uses my ‘thing’ against me. Out of the blue she accuses me that only ‘that thing’ would turn me on… Which is not true.. I always separate the two.. I never tried to combine my thing for woman’s clothing with my marital duties… so to speak

Sounds like she needs romancing more often, and the "marital duties" as well. Apparently she feels the only time she is appreciated is when she helps you with your "thing".

The romancing slows in a number of marriages, and is rarely like it was when courting and the first few years after marriage. A number of wives with CDing husbands have voiced complaints that they feel it's all about the clothes, or the clothes are needed to turn the husband on, etc., etc.

Of course, that's what I get out of your short post and from reading posts by a number of SO's on various forums, so I could be entirely off base with respect to your situation.

In that case, when she says something like that again, then sit down with her and discuss whats bothering her, and ask why she made the remark. None of us are psychic, thus it's best to have an open honest discussion rather than guessing.

[Tree GG]

...Heck yes, I would love to play dress-up once in awhile (Let there be no doubt), but I can’t expect her to engage in such a game… (only in my dreams)...

...I find it hard to talk about it. It is a very private thing and very out of the norm (for me).. .

Athena.

What everyone else said plus the above comments in your post set off warning bells in my head.

You are still hiding certain aspects of your dressing desires from your wife. I don't know how we do it, but we know when the whole truth isn't being told or that something is not quite right. I know it's difficult and embarassing to talk about some of these things, but if you can't communicate them to her, there is a trust/faith in her issue yet on your part.

Not pointing fingers here, as she's obviously not 100% direct with you on something also, but the communication has got to start being frank, sometimes unpleasant, but totally honest before you can really find a comfortable relationship with CDing.

Just my :2c:. Best of luck to you both :hugs:

[Di]

What everyone else said.............and we can only guess at the reason..........you need to talk to your wife find out the real reason.

[GlitterGG]

I really have to agree with everyone else on this subject. Open and active communication is the key. You both need to understand what is going on with the other's feelings and address all the issues.

[Gisele]

I agree with the sit down and talk to her thing.

I also think that maybe she is unsure of your situation. She may see how you are about being nervous and skittish with your behavior. If you see someone doing something that is natural in behavior you will feel more at ease cause it seems OK and nothing is wrong with what you are doing. But if you act like you are doing something wrong or out of place it will make people think that what you are doing is totally wrong. She maybe seeing that in you.

That is just my thought.

all my best, Beth

[Sheila]

Where to start… I guess when you read my previous postings, everything seems to be hunky-dory with my SO and my thing for women’s stuff. She buys my panties …



I did for mine as well hun ........... and I was fne with that . or so I thought ........... I was accepting long long before I really knew what I was really getting myself into........... I accepted CDing because I loved the man (or human being if you like). I accepted that Claire was a part of the man I fell in love with unconditionally within 24 hrs (that was the logic bit:D) but logic and emotion sometimes are far apart. I did what I did because I love this guy (not so keen on the fem, but then again due to Family circustance, neither of us really know her as a person ......... we are trying to work on that) ...... it has taken several rough patches for the emotional respons to catch up with the logical response ...... crazy maybe but that is how we/I have dealt with this.


Why would she do that? .

cos she is still trying to balance the logic and enotional responses ........ my best bet.

hope you can work this out :hugs:Jess

[Athena]

Thank you all for the responses. For what I can gather is that the general consensus is that we need to communicate a h*ll of a lot better. This is something I am not really looking forward to. I find it hard to talk about this subject. I am also pretty confused… Does she approve? Or not?
I am afraid what would happen if I throw all my cards on the table. Once someone told me a very wise thing..” If you do not want to know the answer, do not ask the question.”

Athena

[Patricia Danielle]

If you don't want to know don't ask. You might not want to know, but you need to know befor you can find the root of the problem and work to solve it. You don't want it turning in to a major disaster and we don't either.. Patricia..

[Oddlee]

Thank you all for the responses. For what I can gather is that the general consensus is that we need to communicate a h*ll of a lot better. This is something I am not really looking forward to. I find it hard to talk about this subject. I am also pretty confused… Does she approve? Or not?
I am afraid what would happen if I throw all my cards on the table. Once someone told me a very wise thing..” If you do not want to know the answer, do not ask the question.”

Athena

Athena,

In the business world, those familiar with the Fifth Discipline and the Society for Organizational Learning will be familiar with Mental Models. Mental Models are basically the set of assumptions through which we process any communications, and which influence our responses to them. Within the concept of mental models, there is the practice of "the left hand column." Basically, you take a piece of paper and on the right half, you record a (meaningful) conversation you have had, to the best of your memory. On the left hand side, you record what you were thinking during the conversation, or maybe what you wanted to say but did not (and why). This should provide some enlightenment as to your own mental models, and provide further topics for conversation. During any conversation, I would recommend sticking to facts, and phrasing things like "that makes me feel like..." rather than making statements that appear to blame.

In any case, I would suggest you do some research on communication, particularly in the realm of mental models and the left hand column.

Good luck,

Lee

[psion128]

Ick. sounds like your CDing is starting something unexpected. Sit down with her and talk it out. Find out the root of the problem in her PoV. Hopefully that helps. Just do in a tactful manner. I'm sure she's a great SO. You just have to remember sometimes a compromise is what you gotta do to keep the peace. my 2 cents in there for u.

[Valerie]

I would pay a lot of attention to what Jess (SO) writes about the difference between logical speech and emotional response. After all, it is a very amazing revelation for a spouse to know she has married a person who is actually significantly different from what he revealed. That she can still love us is a miracle to celebrate. But it needs time to sink in. And love. A lot of love from all.

With all best wishes,

Valerie