CDing and abusive relationships

[battybattybats]

I was wondering if crossdressers were more likely to end up in abusive relationships, verbal, physical, mental, financial and otherwise or were particularly vulnerable in them?

If an abusive SO were to know about the crossdressing they could use threats of outing to dominate or try to get their way.
Are CD's particularly emotionally vulnerable?
When there are difficulties in accepting a CDs dressing that could/would cause a lot of volatile tension in the relationship that could lead one or the other or both to abusive behaviour.
A repressed CD in denial is likely to have a lot of issues that could also lead to abusive behaviour from them.
There are a lot of powerful emotions involved and many relationships suffer a lot of strain and for many people those are excuses or justifications for abusive behaviour.. would this mean that many people would see abusive behaviour as valid or justified because of the involvement of crossdressing in the relationship?

I would like to hear everyones thoughts, ideas, feelings or personal experiences on this as well as any research or statistics available.

[Marla S]

I was wondering if crossdressers were more likely to end up in abusive relationships, verbal, physical, mental, financial and otherwise or were particularly vulnerable in them?
I doubt that.
I think it doesn't really matter why one is not happy with the life. We CDs tend to focus on CDing, others tend to focus on the job, other focus on religious issues, or struggle with their body or whatever. There are a zillion reasons why one could become unhappy.

This unhappyness indeed could lead to abusive bahvior, but that's not CD specific.

The contrary. From what I've read here, CDs usually tend to blame themselves, want to protect their SOs and family by hiding it.
That is a passive and submissive way to deal with it, but not an abusive one.


Are CD's particularly emotionally vulnerable?
Speaking for myself: Yes, I am vulnerable and I tend to project any comment, any facial expression or whatever onto my CDing. Ususally I am wrong, but I think a littel bit of paranoia you get automatically being a CD.

On the other side, those who define themselves by their job might be very vulnerabel too. I have to think of all the personal crisis' when the job is lost and people start to feel worthless and insignificant.


A repressed CD in denial is likely to have a lot of issues that could also lead to abusive behaviour from them.
There are a lot of powerful emotions involved and many relationships suffer a lot of strain and for many people those are excuses or justifications for abusive behaviour.. would this mean that many people would see abusive behaviour as valid or justified because of the involvement of crossdressing in the relationship?
Could be, but abusive behavior is NEVER valid or justified.
If one is like that, one hasn't found the right way to deal with problems.
That again is not exclusive to CDs.

[Tree GG]

Sure a CD would have a weak spot not available to non-CD folk, however everyone has a weakness or sensitivity.

IMO, abuse and cruelty are inappropriate & unacceptable in any situation. An eye-for-an-eye philosophy is over quoted, used and I have to believe was mis-translated somewhere along the way. Not exactly the higher moral ground, IMO.

Of course, an individual certainly has the right to consciously choose to be abusive & cruel - it's their right to be the type of person they want to be. I personally would give such a person a wide berth. It's not the type of behavior I want in my life. :happy:

[DonnaT]

Everybody is different. So, just because one is a CD does not necessrily mean they are more vulnerable to being in an abusive relationship. It does happen, however. I think it has more to do with someone being submissive. Like it or not, quite a few "fiction" stories have some basis in reality.

[Sheila]

I have often since entering this cding world wondered if CDR's are somehow .........without being aware of it....... attracted to GG's who have been in relationships in one way or another that are "outside the norm" in one way or another ...... if they are somehow drawn to others that have been suibjected to horrors and therfore far more receptive to understanding of "hidden" fears and insecurities

[Kerry Owens]

Jess, I think you hit a bingo there.

[chucks]

these relationship things seem to mostly get people into trouble. thank god for celibacy. SO relationship is not for me.

[Alice Torn]

You are on to something. I learned many of the same things, at "adult children of dysfunctional families anonymous programs. We tend to choose other "abnormals".

[DeeInGeorgia]

I take it you mean the CDer being abused by the SO.

At least that is my story, though it is not extreme abuse, and not due to my crossdressing. Because it took so long to find a wife, my present SO, my self esteem does not have me believing I could obtain a long term relationship if my wife left me. She has used this fact on several occasions when she has been upset with me.

Dee

[Chrysoprase]

Generally, we view any CD in a domestic situation with a non accepting partner as being in an abusive relationship and try to counsel that CD in a manner parallel to that that of counseling battered women or women that were victims of emotional abuse.
Our #1 concern is the mental and physical health of the client, and that means step one is to get them out of that relationship or at least out of the domestic situation. Domestic abuse has stages and cycles.

Unlike more traditional domestic abuse, the female abuser usually skips the tension building phase and goes directly to the explosion phase.

Explosion (war officially declared)

She may do the following:

* Yell insults, name-calling
* Abusing pets in front of him she considers "yours" and destroying property in secret
* Shift between crying to yelling--insulting to loving quickly
* Flip out if he cowers, crys or begs her to calm down
* Tell him what she's going to do to him in the future
* threaten outing
* Threaten to leave him over the gender identity issue but only destroying him (She will generally adopt the classic control the victim to get control of the assets mindset)
* Tell him it's your fault she treats him so badly, because he's sick, he's cheating, or a bad person, etc,.
*degrading him and threatening that no one but her would put up with the gender identity issue
If she displays any of the behaviors above, she will become violent eventually if she hasn't already. It only gets worse. It never gets better.

The HoneyMoon Phase

This always follows a bout of Abusive behavior. If It wasn't for this phase, men would never stay involved with Abusers to begin with! She will always go back to loving him "like in the beginning" after each bout of Abusive behavior. This keeps him hoping someday "baby steps" will work causing the Abuse will stop and she will display this level of acceptance all of the time. That will never happen unless she gets years of professional help to deal with the deep rooted causes of her Abusive personality.


* She apologizes profusely.
* She will cry or appear very hurt by what she has done.
* She will lavish him with attention and maybe set up some "girl time" (but only on her terms).
* She will buy him gifts. (Do you have a box of "apology clothing", "apology jewelry or makeup" ?)

Fear really holds people in these relationships and is one of the main tools the abuser uses to keep control. Another tool is "crazy making", altering the victims perception of reality as control. By not accepting and treating the issue as something that must be hidden, it builds the mental idea in the victim that "If someone that loves me treats me this bad because of this, how bad will strangers in the outside world treat me?" Its a subset of Isolating.

[Chantelle CD]

I tend to believe that we attract to us relationships that mirror our own belief systems. In other words, if one is struggling internally, from situations that have hurt them in the past, you will attract more abusive relations, this for me has always been a trigger that there is still more to heal within myself. I had a load of abusive relationship, and totally gave up on them, until loneliness was just to much to take, so i went in wards, looked at my belief systems, and did a lot of healing. The old saying, you have to love yourself is so true, until you heal yourself, the old patterns will continue, and is natures way of showing you, what you need to be complete, best way to heal yourself is let the world and your relations mirror whats going on inside. Unless you fill your heart with love, forgiveness of others, compassion, regardless of there situation, you will always struggle with relationships. If you see someone and say this person is totally silly, they make no sense what so ever, why do they do that!! you are focusing on there belief systems, not what they really are, buying into illusion, not really SEEing, Doing this does 2 things, ! hurts them, they will fight it and argue with you, and 2 hurts you!! you will get back to you, what you give out, abuse. I never thought i would find someone that i totally get along with, as my SO now, we never fight ever, and if we do, its short lived. We didn't come together until i worked hard on myself, and refused to buy into illusions of others, if you can do that to others, you can do that for yourself as well. then you find true self love, and a true relationship can happen, and the continuing cycle of abusive relationships is over. ya got to walk the walk and live it. If one choses to judge others for what they see, how they are acting out, you are buying into illusion stemmed from there hurts and pains, people act out wards from there pain, its not what they are, but if you choose to disregard there actions, and see them for what they really are, you heal them, with your acceptance and love, and this is how they see for themselves what they are doing, Do this and what comes back to you is love and acceptance, that is how you end abuse.

[Kerry Owens]

Lucille....I'm not "abnormal"; I'm a survivor.

[Mitch23]

good opportunities for mutually consenting submission/domination games. I think all relationships are constructed like this to a certain extent in that one person will be dominant and one submissive and this may vary according to the situation and may be taken to extremes if either are dysfunctional

Mitch

[Chrysoprase]

good opportunities for mutually consenting submission/domination games. I think all relationships are constructed like this to a certain extent in that one person will be dominant and one submissive and this may vary according to the situation and may be taken to extremes if either are dysfunctional

Mitch

Consensual BDSM relationships have NOTHING in common with abusive relationships. Although they may seem similar to a casual observer, one is based on respect and trust, one is based on manipulation. Abuse is never a game.

[Karren H]

I don't know if you can draw those kinds of generalities... Based on??? CD's are more fem and their SO are more mascaline.... Or the SO holding it over the CD....

More likely that an abusive relationship would be abbsuive with or without CDing issues.... All depends on the individuals involved...

Hell I'm the most stable person I know!! Besides my wife... At least that's what she tells me to say!!! :D. LOL. Between beatings...... Hehe

Karren

[Mitch23]

Consensual BDSM relationships have NOTHING in common with abusive relationships. Although they may seem similar to a casual observer, one is based on respect and trust, one is based on manipulation. Abuse is never a game.
Sorry - that made no sense - please disregard my unhelpful comments

Mitch

[MsJanessa]

My ex-wife tried to use My cding to force more money out of Me when we were divorced years gos(1990)---other than that no I don't think we are inclined to be in more abusive relationships that any once else.

[kathy333]

:love:LISTEN IF YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE THAT IS DOING THINGS TO YOU MENTAL PHISCAL, FINACHAL, MENTAL,OR ANYOTHER KIND OF WAY YOU NEED TO LEAVE GET IN THE CAR, WAIT INTEL HE/SHE IS A SLEEP JUST GET OUT. MY FAMILY IS SO F*#@ up from thinking its my fult.THER HAS TO BE A PLACE IN YOUR TOWN THAT HELPS WOMEN. THEY WILL BE SIMPATIDIC(NICE) TO YOU I WISH THE WORLD WAS A GOOD PLACE.AS WE ALL KNOW ITS NOT :love:


SO ONE MORE THING AND I LIVE BY THIS :love:

LIFE IS TO SHORT TO DEAL WITH ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!:love:

[battybattybats]

I take it you mean the CDer being abused by the SO.


Either or both. I recall one site with SO advice mentioned an unaccepting of self CD who was abusive because of this. I thought the subject needed exploring on all sides.


THER HAS TO BE A PLACE IN YOUR TOWN THAT HELPS WOMEN. THEY WILL BE SIMPATIDIC(NICE) TO YOU

Unfortunatly not always the case. I know a TS who has had some mental health difficulties who was not at all accepted by a womens shelter... they could not see past what she was born with and wouldn't take her.

[sterling12]

Abusive relationships? I reckon it's how you define abusive. No one of my acquaintance has ever told me about physical abuse, but I understand that's not unusual for someone expressing their "masculine side." Males generally will not report physical abuse because they feel ashamed about it, women often do the same thing.

Psychological Abuse? It seems that I know a lot of CDs who have married what I would define as women with "domineering personalties." But, It may be in those person's natures, as many of them are submissive people and submissives will often seek out stronger personalities.

So for many folks, it may be a symbiotic relationship, and exactly what they crave. The line between "dominated/hen pecked," and "abusive" can get mighty thin! At least that's true for The Psych Part. Physical Abuse should never be tolerated....by anyone!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Chrysoprase]

Unfortunatly not always the case. I know a TS who has had some mental health difficulties who was not at all accepted by a womens shelter... they could not see past what she was born with and wouldn't take her.

It's the same here in the States. Womens shelters are very closed to the transgender community.

[DeniseNJ]

[QUOTE=battybattybats;918476]
If an abusive SO were to know about the crossdressing they could use threats of outing to dominate or try to get their way.
Are CD's particularly emotionally vulnerable?
When there are difficulties in accepting a CDs dressing that could/would cause a lot of volatile tension in the relationship that could lead one or the other or both to abusive behaviour.


I am sad to say I fall into this catagory. When my wife was unhappy with me for any reason including Cding, she would start yell loud enough for neighbors and her son to hear. Calling me a queer or faggot and say {So you like to dress like a woman, wearing make-up and high heels maybe I should tell your friends and everyone... I was so fearful I would do anything to calm her down so she would stop yelling and I mean loud. I knew neighbors heard her and I used to hang my head low when walking outside. I know her son knows who is a young man now but growing up she made sure to call me all the names while fighting with her. It still goes on but not as bad as in the past but as in the years pass I don't get as fearful anymore .In the past my wife let me Cd around her and we had playful times, It was her Idea I dress as a woman when we went to a halloween party when we first met, little did she know I was in heaven . No one wants to be outted like this.. Last november after finding this site , I was sorta out of control with trying hard to be Denise, shaving, buying and wanting to go out for a drive as a woman and wanting to look like a girl was a main priority. I took advantage of the times she would get tuned . She really don't want to see me dressed and tells me not to let me see me as denise.. One night she told me to get he something from Mc Donalds and I was fully dressed. I got up the nerve to hit the drive through. She saw me and said DON'T forget your a Man not a woman , I think she saw the real me or the Female me and tried to discurage me , maybe to her I looked like a woman and she didn't like that. still I believe she is affraid I will want to have sex with a man because she believes all women like men ,even CD's It does change how you feel when you feel so feminine.

[Toyah]

Cooo this goes way over the top of normal why do you think CDs cannot have a non abusive relationship that is just so bizarre as for the emotional thing well that's a woman (usually :hiding:) thing why should that apply to CDs, we are not all drama queens or queers, we are married working guys who sometimes dress. There are emotionally stable and darn right flaky people here we are the same as everyone else don't try to categorise us

[Frankie-Dear]

Wow... Denise, that just breaks my heart... I got tears in my eyes, just reading your account. :(:hugs::hugs:

[MeraLehanga]

Sis' Batty,

Are CD's particularly emotionally vulnerable?

Offcourse, as long as we have reservations about our own life style. Only till then, I think.

[battybattybats]

I wonder, are some unaccepting SOs willing to justify actions they normally would never do because of the strength of their feelings and desperation?

I find it particularly concerning as I have heard a number of folk say, over various issues, that people who have 'harmed' or 'hurt' someone else (whether it was by a wrong and criminal act or even a right action that another reacted strongly emotionally to) that the causer of the apparent hurt 'deserves' various wrong things done to them (other than that accorded by fair due legal process where applicable).

If the Cd is considered as 'hurting' the SO, might not many SO's feel justified in retributive behaviour?

[Patricia Danielle]

I agree with the remark there's no I do mean NO excuse for abuse, none nada! My SO is ok with me being a CDer and she doesnt hold it over my head like some sort of weapon. and most of our really close friends know about it and it don't seem to bother them. Like I tell everyone who comes to visit us. Welcome to our little corner of the world, we put the FUN in dysfunctional!! If ya have a problem with it we can talk about and work it out or if your to narrow minded theres the door..Patricia..:drink: I have coffee life is good..