CDing and monogamy

[battybattybats]

Because of talk in another thread I thought it would be a good idea to bring this up.

Society is set up for monogamy which is fine for many but has for others led to serial monogamy. Many cheat. Others have embraced polyamory.

I wonder, Does CDing have any particular relevance to the issue? Are CDs more or less likely to be promiscuous, polyamorous or unfaithful?

Do CDs pick especially faithful partners or are the SOs of CDs 30%-50% unfaithful like the rest of the population?

[Sharon]

I don't believe I have ever read any statistics about whether crossdressers were more or less likely to be faithful to their spouses. I would hazard a guess, however, that the numbers wouldn't be any different than what they are for the population as a whole. After all, what does crossdressing have to do with monogamy or faithfulness?

[Bobbie cd]

I can only speak for myself. Personally, I do not feel that CD in and of itself should have any bearing on issues of monogamy. I don't think it should really be about monogamy vs any form of polygamy either, for that matter. If a group of consenting adults of any number wish to enter into some form of intimate relationship, I believe that should be their business and no one else's. What I do not approve of is the issue of infidelity, regardless of one's sexual orientation or proclivity. If you make a commitment to enter an exclusive intimate relationship with another person, I do not believe that it is moral or ethical to then engage in clandestine sexual encounters with other people without the knowledge of your declared S.O. As others have stated, this exposes the other partner to increased risk of STD's without their informed consent. That is simply wrong on the part of the person engaging in the behavior, regardless of their gender.

That's just my personal opinion on the matter.

[Alice B]

Based upon what I read in this forum I would suspect that CDers are more likely to be true to their wife or SO tan the norm. To take on the field creates greater exposure of being discovered. Plus, if you have an undrestanding wife or SO why would you even want to consider anyone else.:hugs:

[Chrysoprase]

I'd have to say its about the same as the general population.

[marie354]

I'd think that the average CD'er would be less likely to cheat on their SO because of the fact that an understanding SO is such a rarity, who would want to take a chance on losing them. Just my opinion, but I think a CD'er would be more faithful.
:hugs:

[Stephenie S]

I'll bet the statistics in our community are no different than for the general population. I can't imagine what there is about CDing that would influence the desire to cheat on one's spouse.

There seems to be a general moral consensus on this site that monogamy is the standard and that cheating is wrong. I would be willing to guess that that this is the norm for the general population, also. I have no statistics to back that up, though.

I am also willing to guess that many, many, of us have cheated on at least one occasion in our lives. I know that, although I would NEVER cheat on my wife at this point in my life, I have cheated on past loves and thought (at the time) nothing of it.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Sandy1967]

Talking from my own experience now, I and have always been faithful to my wife. She accepts me for who I am, gives me encouragement, let's me dress in what ever clothing I want to go out in and puts up with me shopping for clothing more than she likes to do, just to see me happy.:2c:
There is no reason to look elsewhere or ruin the great relationship we have.:hugs:
I know I am fortunate to have a wife like this and I send out hope that all of us can find a woman like this.

Love,
Allison

[RebeccaLynne]

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm a firm believer in monogamy. I practice, and expect, exclusivity in intimate relationships. Once I've moved past the "dating" stage, and progressed into the boudoir, the commitment to my partner is absolute. I ask no more of her than of myself. And if our needs aren't being met through our lovemaking, than we're not right for each other. My :2c:

[Holly]

If we claim to be no different than the general population except for the fact that we like prettier clothes, then logically we would be no more, nor no less faithful in our relationships.

[Chantelle CD]

I think affairs and monogamy fall under moral standards, weather your a cd or not. If one would find it in there heart, to hurt there mate is such a deep way, shows lac of respect and selfishness. You could say that because we as Cd's mtf, are more aware of the female attributes, we would be less likely to be unfaithful, but on the other hand, i was hurt by a mate that cheated on me, and it hurt like hell!! There are a lot of woman that cheat as well as men, so i think its a moral thing myself, if its in your heart to hurt another is such a way, total lac of respect.


Do CDs pick especially faithful partners or are the SOs of CDs 30%-50% unfaithful like the rest of the population?

Damn Batty!!! are the numbers really that high????? uggg so much for evolution :(

My mate would have to have very high morals, but thats not because I'm a CD, because i dont like to play games, and dont want a mate that does either.

[Chrysoprase]

Damn Batty!!! are the numbers really that high????? uggg so much for evolution :(



I'd venture to say the 30-50% #'s are conservative, with an equal split between genders.

[Marla S]

I wonder, Does CDing have any particular relevance to the issue? Are CDs more or less likely to be promiscuous, polyamorous or unfaithful?

Do CDs pick especially faithful partners or are the SOs of CDs 30%-50% unfaithful like the rest of the population?
Lacking any statistics, my question is:

Why should it be any different for CDs than for the general population ?

Are there any indications that it could be different ?

[yms]

Hi

I'm going to go out on limb here (where I can usually be found)...

I've met and exchanged emails with many CDers over the years who expressed "curiousness" about what it would be like to "be a woman with a man." Now it's true that many of them do not act on this (as far as I knew), but it would seem to me that there may be an additional pressure on some CDers to explore a side of their sexuality that their marriage/relationship can't satisfy.

Some of the people I've discussed this with believed that if they had sex with a man while crossdressed, they weren't really cheating on their partner, in part because their was no emotional investment. I'm not arguing that this is right or wrong, only that CDers, because of gender issues, may be influenced by factors not affecting the larger population.

That's all.
Yvonne

[Sheila]

Hi

I'm going to go out on limb here (where I can usually be found)...

I've met and exchanged emails with many CDers over the years who expressed "curiousness" about what it would be like to "be a woman with a man." Now it's true that many of them do not act on this (as far as I knew), but it would seem to me that there may be an additional pressure on some CDers to explore a side of their sexuality that their marriage/relationship can't satisfy.

Some of the people I've discussed this with believed that if they had sex with a man while crossdressed, they weren't really cheating on their partner, in part because their was no emotional investment. I'm not arguing that this is right or wrong, only that CDers, because of gender issues, may be influenced by factors not affecting the larger population.

That's all.
Yvonne

got to say that cheating while dressed as a male of female, with a male/s or female/s, outside of the committed relationship you are in with your partner, is Cheating no ifs, no buts . (cheating being defined as, your partner not knowing and consenting to you sleeping with other people) but just my :2c:

[krisla]

I can only speak for myself, and I don't find myself attracted to men. I might like being treated as a lady by a male, but I can't see it going beyond casual platonic contact. I would feel terrible if I ever cheated on my wife in male or enfemme mode.

Krisla

[TVStevie]

Damn Batty!!! are the numbers really that high????? uggg so much for evolution :(

I don't understand your point - are you claiming that the human race should automatically evolve toward strictly monogamous behaviour, or that evolution is a fallacy because some people are still promiscuous?

[Angie G]

I dress alot and my wife is the only one I want to be with I don't think it higher or lower with us :hugs:
Angie

[Tree GG]

I think affairs and monogamy fall under moral standards, ...
...Damn Batty!!! are the numbers really that high????? ,,,

IMO, monogamy is a lifestyle choice. It's morality is a judgement based on philosophical baseline. Judeo Christians consider it moral; other cultures practice polygamy just as well (not always based in religion). I believe the number, variety and frequency of sexual partners is no one's business but the parties involved. However, a SO/life partner should be considered an involved party whether they are engaging in said activities or just aware of them.

The statistics I've read actually estimate 60% of partners in a committed, supposedly monogamous relationship, have engaged in extra-marital intimate activity. Where the heck do they find the time? :devil:



...I've met and exchanged emails with many CDers over the years who expressed "curiousness" about what it would be like to "be a woman with a man." ...

There is definitely an added "incentive" for many CDers to stray from their committment - a dimension that the non-TG person does not have. Does that make them more likely to not honor their committment? That's really an individual choice and I would suspect has much to do with how much that individual respects his/her partner, what their agreement/committment to that partner is, and how intense the curiosity/desire.

I do not proclaim that CDers are destined to go outside their relationship, but it is difficult to accept "gender does not equal sexuality" statements for hetero-CDs in general when you see/read all the stories about femme dating/relationship fantasies from CDers. Dressing started as a fantasy, right?..............

[Chantelle CD]

I don't understand your point - are you claiming that the human race should automatically evolve toward strictly monogamous behaviour, or that evolution is a fallacy because some people are still promiscuous?

Because when you commit to someone, it also means you vowe to be faithfull, haveing an afair is an outright sin in my eyes, and hurting this person you swore faithfulness too to the fullest. If they know, and are ok with it <swingers> thats ok, do you really think its ok to hurt people, disregard there feelings, or do you think its ok if they never find out? pfft evolution should be moveing towards respect, love and harmony, hurting your partner this way doesnt equate.


IMO, monogamy is a lifestyle choice. It's morality is a judgement based on philosophical baseline. Judeo Christians consider it moral; other cultures practice polygamy just as well (not always based in religion). I believe the number, variety and frequency of sexual partners is no one's business but the parties involved. However, a SO/life partner should be considered an involved party whether they are engaging in said activities or just aware of them.

I guess i should have stated that to have a lot of sexual partners is ok, its not moral if you commit to someone, and break that, go behind there back and act on breaking this trust, imagine how that would hurt, this is not a moral behaviour, it is selfishness, and shows total lac of respect, if you do it behind there back, if they know and are ok with it, then have at it.

I would want to know if my mate thought it as a lifestyle choice when commited.

[Devon James]

I don't know if I'm allowed to answer here..
I'm very polyamorous, always been, there are so many beautiful and sweet beings around this planet :)
But if it has to do with CD-ing, it's possible. The cd-people I've met in Holland are into polyamory.
I noticed that many gay/lesbian people around Holland are into polyamory as wel, for the rest of the world I couldn't tell of course.

Are you? ;)

[Eugenie]

I don't know if "cheating" on ones wife is related or not to x-dressing.

I would tend to say however that x-dressing without telling one's wife or SO, is a form of cheating on her, in my view...

But I can understand that life isn't a piece of cake and that every one is doing for the best with the situation they live in...

My situation is rather complex. I've already said it in other discussions but here this is even more relevant to the discussion.

My wife and I have what is called an "Open mariage". We have had and have affairs with other people outside our marriage. Yet, we are faithful to each other, that is we don't cheat, we tell each other about the encounters we make.

This has lead us to a soon to be 38 years of mariage life.

For other reasons, it happens that we have now a relationship that is mainly based on friendship, I mean, we sleep in separate bedrooms, but we have great tendernes in that relationship, even if sex is no longer part of it.

For information my wife, who is not worried if I have an affair with another woman, is far less happy to see me x-dressing... In a recent situation she learned that I had been coming out to a GG friend of ours and she let me understand that she would have prefered that I had an affair with that friend instead of talking to her about my "femme side"...

My wife has recently changed her attitude about my x-dressing. She is now far more tollerant. She know I see other X-dressers and said to me she didn't mind but she didn't need any details...

That's the balance we have built over the years.

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Sheri 4242]

I would hazard a guess, however, that the numbers wouldn't be any different than what they are for the population as a whole.

My first impression is that Sharon is absolutely right -- that it is the same as with the general population as a whole.

PART of me thinks that maybe CDers are MORE faithful -- how vitally important have we seen it be to so many CDers to find acceptance with their SO, that it stands to reason that they may be more faithful. BUT, logically, that only accounts for those with accepting SO's . . .

Then Yvonne brings up another dynamic that can't be ignored:


I've met and exchanged emails with many CDers over the years who expressed "curiousness" about what it would be like to "be a woman with a man." Now it's true that many of them do not act on this (as far as I knew), but it would seem to me that there may be an additional pressure on some CDers to explore a side of their sexuality that their marriage/relationship can't satisfy.

Some of the people I've discussed this with believed that if they had sex with a man while crossdressed, they weren't really cheating on their partner, in part because their was no emotional investment. I'm not arguing that this is right or wrong, only that CDers, because of gender issues, may be influenced by factors not affecting the larger population. Yvonne

THEN AGAIN, I've heard CDers discuss that they would never be with anyone but a woman -- and that, indeed, where they to become a woman (although those discussing this were not TS) they would consider themselves to be lesbian!

Sans any hard and exhaustive research, this is a difficult one to call. Which, in turn, leads me back to what Sharon first said in that it is probably no different than the general population.

[battybattybats]

IMO, monogamy is a lifestyle choice. It's morality is a judgement based on philosophical baseline. Judeo Christians consider it moral; other cultures practice polygamy just as well (not always based in religion). I believe the number, variety and frequency of sexual partners is no one's business but the parties involved. However, a SO/life partner should be considered an involved party whether they are engaging in said activities or just aware of them.


Absolutely. Whereas morality is often culturally or religiously determined ethics (depending on definitions) are not. Exposing someone else to increased VD risk unknowingly is definatly unethical.

Now what if polygamy is a sexuality rather than a 'choice'? Would a polygamous person in a predominantly monogamous society be able to be open and honest about their needs? Its still the ethical thing to do but the courage and strength required to do so would be at least, maybe even moreso, as much as needed to come out as a CD or gay.

And bisexuality? I really expected the film Brokeback Mountain to have brought the subject of bisexual cheating into greater public discussion considering its popularity.

Personally I respect ethical polyamory but am currently comfortable with monogamy. I would definately not go outside the relationship without the knowledge of my partner. If such a huge proportion of people are not capable of monogamy however then clearly there is a big problem.

I noticed something interesting amongst the men and women I have known. For the men love is most important, for the women it's sex. Now let me explain. Almost all the men I've known will not require strong emotions to have sex. Sex is less important. However they generally require a sexual relationship before they let their guard down and express their emotions. The sex is one of the keys to unlocking the real treasure.. love. On the other hand the women require the emotions first before unlocking the sex, the sex is the treasure. Also I've known men in private to go on for ages about how much they love a girl and if the relationship fails they pine for a long time, often years over the lost feelings. Some of the girls I've known pined over the lack of the sex!

A further example. A close male friend was taken advantage of by a woman while so drunk he couldn't do anything to prevent it. Around the same time his girlfriend kissed a guy and liked it. Each thought the other had done the worst thing. (Which is rediculous as he clearly was a victim and had not done anything wrong).

I realise that this may not be a representable standard of course. I wonder if these things are cultural or biological. according to an interesting documentary I saw recently in the animal kingdom almost every supposedly 'mate for life' animal has been discovered will often cheat. Generally, against common 'knowledge', it is the female that is most likely to cheat and the male more often tries to prevent this. It seems humans are particularly unusual for the balance of the sexes.

From the views expressed so far it seems totally straight CDs might be less likely to cheat while bi or curious CDs might be more. It's all speculation of course.

It'd be interesting to hear from some of those that have cheated as to why. In theory there should be plenty amongst the SOs at least but with the amount whose partners are here and with the swift judgement that might occur on those who have I could see most being unwilling to share their story. I wonder if that effects our capacity to support everyone here? On the (recently cancelled) show The Catch Up Mary Moody confessed her past affair on a segment on cheating on the show and how she healed her relationship after. I thought that was a truly courageous act.

This is a very interesting discussion.

[Erinn]

Faithful to one girl for 37 years. Crossdressing has never tempted me to bring home disease. LIke it or not many lives are at stake in any foolishness we might attempt.

[Patricia Danielle]

Erinn you hit the nail on the head. I'm totally in LOVE with my SO and I believe the vows I took when we got married! To have and to hold, to honor and cherish in sickness and in health for as long as you BOTH shall live with god as your witness. So I have no problems with that! Beside you want drama buy one of them slezzy tabloids or watch soap operas. We all got our own problems to deal with, and yea I'll ask for advice from time to time. Most problems get resolved by two people sitting down and talking about it, not yelling and screaming and acting all stupid..Patricia..:drink: I have coffee life is good..

[Chantelle CD]

This is a interesting thread Batty :)

I myself still dont think that outside sexual relations while in a married or committed relationship is a lifestyle choice, in fact that scares me a lot, unless the couple are swingers and both are OK with this. To sneak around, lie and cheat, do what it takes to do it, is just as wrong as not telling your SO you cross dress. Acully worse, you risk there life for one, totally disregard your mate, and there feelings, and is so selfish in my eyes.

I have never cheated on a mate i was committed to, i was in a 8 year relationship, cross dressing at this time was not in my life, though i was very much in tune with my femme side, while in this relationship, there was months that went by, even 3-4 month spans that we never had sex, i wanted it with her so badly and had to resort to pleasing self, she on the other hand had some problems sexually. All this time i had many chances to be unfaithful, but never done it, even though her withholding sex hurt me badly, i couldn't do it to her. Maybe it is a religious or ethical thing, but to me, i live my life trying my hardest to not hurt others in anyway, be it moral, ethical, religious, or otherwise, hurting others is not an option for me.

I was however cheated on in a another relationship, and it hurt a lot, i chose to forgive her, because she told me right after it happened, had i found out about it instead, no chance of it working out at all. Why she did it? i dont know, other than she was a sex addict, i mean literally, and had feelings she had done it again a few times, that she denied. we only lasted almost 2 years. Once that trust is broken, its very hard to trust that person again, and they have to be really careful to never lie or give reason for distrust, until you have fully healed the hurt, and can trust her again. Why someone would want to go out and hurt another in this way, goes beyond my comprehension, i just dont understand it at all.

We <my SO now> have played with the idea of bringing others into our bedroom, but both admitted that the jealous feelings would overtake us both, and would end up a problem, for others swinging is OK with them, and thats OK, myself i also see it as to risky with all the STD's its comforting to be committed and faithful to just one.

[GACountrygal]

Now what if polygamy is a sexuality rather than a 'choice'? Would a polygamous person in a predominantly monogamous society be able to be open and honest about their needs?


(this is my opinion based on my experiences with alternative lifestyles-I'll elaborate on that in a bit)

Polygamy is having multiple wives (emphasis on the WIVES as in being married to more then one woman through some form of commitment ceremory or the like). Not, IMO, related to ones sexuality (although I would wonder how in the heck the husband keeps up with all those women :eek: ). Polygamy is centered on the man being married to multiple women and having only heterosexual sexual contact and only with the women he is married to.



Personally I respect ethical polyamory but am currently comfortable with monogamy. I would definately not go outside the relationship without the knowledge of my partner. If such a huge proportion of people are not capable of monogamy however then clearly there is a big problem.


Polyamory is NOT having multiple partners with the knowledge of ones SO when there is no emotional tie to the extra partners, ie;its just sexual.

Polyamory is the love of more then one person. And its really tough to discuss polyamory because there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many entities that fall underneath polyamory.

We have been in a poly relationship, and would do so again if the right situation and people arise. There are few that can truely love more then one person without developing stronger feelings for the "new" person where they end up disregarding (to some extent) there initial or original SO.

If there is an open marriage and either one or both partners develop an emotional connection with the "extra" person while still having a strong emotional connection with their SO, then THAT is true polyamory.

Its really hard to explain, and if theres any questions yall have feel free to ask. We'll be more then happy to explain.


In keeping with this thread.. I think that there would be about the same monogomy problems with the CD community as the General Population, although it might be a bit higher with CD's that have non accepting SO's, and lower in CD's with accepting or supporting SO's. :2c:

Nic


edit to add-just because folks are in relationships that dont go along monogomous guidelines does NOT mean they go around willy nilly without using some form of protection. In fact, your more regular swingers and those of the like will use protection throughout a whole "event". Just because people are in a non monogomous relationship doesnt mean they arent safe and responsible enough to use protection. And yes we've been involved in this lifestyle as well and know from experience. j

[nataliecd77]

Just to add my veiws onto Nics,
Just because someone is involved in a Non-monogamous lifestlye does NOT by defintion mean they ARE involved in a promiscuos lifestlye.

Just my veiw on this.
Natalie

[Lovely Rita]

I'd have to say its about the same as the general population.

Yes I agree it is probably the same.